Confused about breakup want him back :(

[Gracey1231]

First post lol!

6 weeks ago my boyfriend of 11 months and I had a huuuuge argument, where I said something nasty just to hurt him, I have done this before and said I'd stop but as usual it flew out. Anyway, we didn't speak for a week to cool down and he eventually text me like I don't want to end it I love you blah blah blah, on numerous occasions we arranged to see eachother again and he said to me he just wants his own space at the minute, he is scared his feelings have changed towards me, he doesn't feel the same as he did, he feels bad about us because after the arguments and this massive bad one has taken his toll on him.

He left me on Friday (26/08/16) officially and said he had to let me go because he isn't ready to see me yet and can't keep me waiting any longer as it's cruel. Me being a total girl was pleading etc and I said how can I get you back and he said it's too late, I asked him after that if it's forever that we aren't together and he said "I don't know" and that he doesn't want me to just disappear and still wants to talk. I spoke to his mum about us splitting up and she said to me that he said he needs to see if his bad feelings change and doesn't want me hanging on to a maybe, and that he hopes we can stay friends and talk still but is unsure whether he is ready to be with me right now but still has feelings for me.

I messaged him the night he left like "do you still love me" and he read it but didn't reply, I changed my whatsapp photo as it was us two and as soon as I did he messaged me saying "I'll keep our picture just I don't think being together isn't a good idea at the moment" but he doesn't want to be with another girl.

He asked for space and I pushed him like begging to see him etc instead of playing it cool and taking it slowly. Apparently he still has feelings for me. He still has me and him as his whatsapp photo and has been online since just not messaged me.

I love him to pieces and I'm changing my ways, I took him for granted and I really want him back haha :(

Gonna try not to contact him and let him message me first because me "spamming" him with texts caused us to bicker abit in the relationship anyway.

What are my chances of getting him back? And will no contact work maybe make him think of the good instead of the bad, (he still has feelings for me) whilst I sort myself out and become less needy and strong.

I'm gonna not text him until he texts me but I'll send him a birthday card next week, just a simple one.

Help me :( Is it too late?

Indeed it is.

There are no Huns here op. How old are you? 17?

As for no regard for him? I do have regard for him. I really do care for this lad, our relationship was wonderful but the arguing was shit. He made me happy and I made him happy too. We are friendly now with eachother and I want to be with him because I love him, I want to show him I have changed and be the girl he fell for again. With respect I haven't had the easiest background, not that it justifies anything, but I'm not willing to put too personal issues out there, you cannot judge someone before you know them. I want him back so we can work on what we had and make it even better and I can treat him how he deserves. He's wonderful. And by me being a girl I meant like just pleading with him. It's my first proper relationship after being physically and sexually abused by an ex boyfriend and I brought the past in to it.

I asked him if there's hope for the future and he says he doesn't know. He wants to see if his negative feelings change but can't keep me holding on to a maybe

Leave him alone!! He has asked for space and you're being totally selfish not giving him space. If he doesn't come back then take it as a lesson and be less selfish in your next relationship.

our relationship was wonderful but the arguing was shit.

Do you not see how contradictory these two statements are.

He wants to see if his negative feelings change but can't keep me holding on to a maybe

Him telling you this means in the nicest way, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He is letting you down gently. He now feels negatively towards you.

That's the idea of not talking but we had a friendly chat today and he said my new hair looks nice and I'm happy and greatful he doesn't hate me. Ps I love your username:) brie yum

He didn't actually tell me that himself, he told his mum and she told me because he had spoken to her about me

He didn't actually tell me that himself, he told his mum and she told me because he had spoken to her about me

That is even worse. She has no right breaching her sons confidence and you shouldnt be talking to her about it either.

He is done with you.

We are speaking as friends and he has kept his whatsapp photo as me and him. He left because he wasn't ready to see me and didn't want me waiting forever.

I don't understand why some of these comments are so rude and cruel like I used this forum because I thought there would be people giving me advice not being rude and unkind over the Internet. It's just uncalled for Id rather see hate mail.

The problem is, Gracey that no one who is emotionally abusive thinks they are. They're not evil, or rotten to the core.

They are usually people who haven't had the easiest backgrounds who feel vulnerable and threatened and lash out when they feel their security is threatened in some way. Either their emotional security or the security of their self esteem/worth/image. People who are trying to control their lives and what is happening around them and that includes getting the people around them/close to them to do what they want and be where they want them to be. People who are lovely most of the time until they don't feel 'safe' (either because they feel they are losing someone or someone isn't behaving in a way that they want them to or because they no longer feel in control of what is happening around them) when they try and regain control. People who are brings their past into their current relationship.

Everyone who has been in an abusive relationship will agree that it is good some, even most, of the time, otherwise people would get out of it sooner. They might also say they were happy 95% of the time. But that means that 5% of the time they are not. And as the sticky thread at the top of this boards says, The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Of course all people argue, but emotionally healthy people don't lash out and say deliberately cruel/unkind things deliberately intended to hurt the other person when they are angry, and then keep apologising for it.

And by me being a girl I meant like just pleading with him but that's not behaving like "a girl". That's behaving like someone who is emotionally unstable. Who isn't respecting another person's autonomy or boundaries. That is not how women or girls behave. It just isn't.

It isn't normal to behave the way you have described. It is good that you are seeking counselling and I strongly suspect that if you returned to this thread at a future point, then you would see what other people can see now.

As for your EX boyfriend and what he is saying, your damage has now become his damage and he will need to process how he is feeling. He has become accustomed to your outbursts and cruelty and now needs time to emotionally detach from you. If he wanted to be with you, then he would be, he just doesn't feel confident enough to tell you this at the moment because his experience of you is that if he says something you don't like, you lash out at him and he is trying to minimise the risk of that happening. That's how it works.

I hope you get the support you need for your past experiences, but you need to leave this man alone. Whatever decision he does come to, he needs to come to without you hounding him. And you need to address your past so that you can move forward in an emotionally healthy relationship.

It was said in the heat of the moment. He doesn't know if he is ready to be with me because of our argument resulting in him slapping me. I'm sorry I refuse to be called emotionally abusive by people who don't know me when I've had a counsellor who's saying different. We're talking as friends and I hope we can move forward slowly so I can show him I have changed. Neither of us were perfect but if he has something to say he'll say it, he always has and I don't always lash out. It's rare I do

People are giving you advice. The advice they are giving you is to leave him alone and get some help. You obviously know there is a problem with your behaviour, which is why you are getting help. You want people to advise you on how to get him back.

The fact that everyone is saying the same must mean something to you.

And he may well come back to you. It's a well known fact that people will often return to unhealthy relationships many times before they finally break free and sometimes they never do.

I lurked on here a long time before joining as I saw the harshness of some of the posters and it put me off a bit.

But sometimes it is a bitter pill to swallow and it needs to be said.

You have come on here saying you have not been especially nice to your ex boyfriend, he has told you he wants space, he has told you he doesnt know if he wants to be with you...well he told his mum that, not even told you direct.

And yet, you come on here asking us how you get him back. What do you expect people to say? Encourage you? Give you tips to get round someone who doesnt want to come back? No one is going to do that here.

The absolute and total truth is you cannot get anyone to come back to you unless they want to come back. It really is that simple. No one can tell you anything of use here to patch up your relationship unless he decides first that he wants to.

It is actually very telling that you have come here seeking advice as to get him back, using no contact, reverse psychology, etc because it just shows you dont really care about him or respect his wishes. He wants to be away from you right now, but it's all you you you.

You are violating his boundaries by continuing to push yourself on him when he doesnt really want you right now and may never want you back.

If nothing else, have some dignity and stop pleading for someone who doesnt want you.

If you truly cared for him, you would respect his wishes and withdraw quietly from his life.

God, OP, did you put about the slapping earlier and I missed it?

I very nearly wrote, "how long will it be before you slap him?" but didn't because it felt unnecessarily inflammatory.

But you are describing an emotionally abusive relationship that has escalated into physically abusive.

Oh and counsellors aren't always right.

BTW when I said harshness of posters, I meant in a no nonsense, kick in the bum for your own good harshness. People arent deliberately cruel most of the time from what I have seen.

My relationship was hardly unhealthy because of a few arguments, they were usually over nothing anyway. I want him back to treat him well, he isn't bad nor am I.

advise isn't calling someone names or being downright nasty. I didn't initiate contact, I asked him yesterday if he was okay and he replied to me and we had a friendly chat. He has said some kind things today to me. I am working on me and I paid out for counselling two days after this argument which did start over something so silly but escalated beyond control. We were happy.

I have deliberately not been rude, cruel or unkind in my posts.

What I have said might not be what you wanted to read, but that is not the same.

So you were verbally abusive and he hit you.

That is IT.

Game over. It is not fixable.

It has escalated into physical abuse. Cut contact right now. Send any property back. You cant be together.

So what advice were you looking for then?

So "oh god how long before you slap him" isn't rude?
I haven't ever hit anyone in my life never mind someone I love. That's literally so patronising it's untrue

There's comments of no nonsense but some of these are just nasty. I have sent him a message today telling him about the reflection I have done and he said to me "I don't hate you, please don't be disgusted"

No asking "how long before you slap him?" isn't not rude. But you will also note that I didn't say it until I read that it had become physically abusive too. When I told you I was going to write it but didn't because I didn't want to be unnecessarily inflammatory.

You are not reading people's posts in the way in which they are intended. And you are getting angry with us/me/others because we are not saying what you want to hear.

Why did you send him a message today when he has asked you to leave him alone?

My relationship was hardly unhealthy because of a few arguments, they were usually over nothing anyway.

I am working on me and I paid out for counselling two days after this argument which did start over something so silly but escalated beyond control.

Ummm arguments starting over nothing and escalating out of control to the point where you say nasty things and he slaps for it: it that isn't an unhealthy relationship then what is?

We were happy.

No, you weren't. You only think you were.