Would this statement irritate you too?

[Wheretheresteqthereshope]

"Men fancy 20-24 year olds"

This is what my new partner of mere months said to me. I'm 34, the same age as him.

Threatening to kill himself if I left, isolating me from my friends, trying to make me dependent on him, wanting me to have children when I wanted to go to Uni

Horrible, but this happened because he's a cunt, not because of your respective ages.

Yes but if I'd been the same age as him I would have had the maturity and confidence to see it for what it was and walk away from it.

Having common ground has nothing to do with intellect.
I'd think 20s and 30s would have plenty of common ground, as it happens. The gap isn't so huge.

Er.... It is biologically programmed. That's why in the animal kingdom, females go for the biggest, strongest males, and the males go for the young, healthy females.

And although we have evolved differently, and society says we should now behave differently, at the end of the day, we are just another animal species

seems a bit unfair to say that categorically, given all the women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, forevers, who suffer abuse.

I don't think that saying men find younger women attractive is really a revelation, but if it makes you feel shit you should tell him that.

My DP once thoughtlessly proclaimed that "obviously Pamela Anderson was hot, blonde hair, big tits, what's not to like?" to me...with my black hair and at the time, before a steady diet of cake small boobs.

However when I pointed out how this has made me feel he immediately apologised for being such a dick and said he just hasn't thought that I would take it to mean that I (the opposite of Pammy & also his Barbie-esque ex!) was NOT attractive. He has proven every day for the last 4 years that he really does find me irresistible.

You don't need to LTB if you can talk to him about your feelings and he gets it. If neither of those factors are true then bin him.

Er.... It is biologically programmed.

When you say that, what do you mean?

What does "programmed" mean in that sentence?

What about "biologically"?

Horrible, but this happened because he's a cunt, not because of your respective ages

Agreed.

The horrible thing is destiny, getting into crap relationships with twats is not exclusively a 20-25 year olds issue. It's nice to think you will be wiser in your 40s but these guys are quite good at presenting themselves as a decent human being for a few months.

I don't think a man pointing out that men are attracted to 20-25 year olds makes him a twat. I wouldn't dump a man for it unless he added something like "it's a shame I can't date them anymore - pity you are past your prime" etc

I know for a fact that at 25 I'm more beautiful than I will be at 35.

Planning on letting yourself go?

Or just one of those unfortunate women who peaks early instead of getting more beautiful as she approaches 40?

Either way, sucks to be you.

It was a flippant, careless comment made when defending his friend. It was a hurtful comment to you because of your history and sensitivity to such situations.

Look, I'm at a similar stage in my relationship. It's not the early, head-over-heels falling in love stage. It's the nitty-gritty, rubbing up against each others' sharp edges, a few months in, stage. I don't know about you, but a few months in and I'm starting to see this relationship getting serious. It's getting risky and I'm getting over-cautious. I'm on hyper alert for 'red flags' because I don't want to get hurt. Seriously, there are times I've almost driven myself crazy from over-analysing. And not once have I over-thought myself in to happiness. I only think myself in to mistery.

Writing that down makes me realise how creepy it is. So it's ok to sleep with a 20 year old but you wouldn't marry one.

He didn't say "sleep with, but not marry" he said "fancy". Don't extrapolate what he said to what he didn't say and don't look for bad motives for what he didn't even actually say. He probably said a few stupid things that week, but this is the comment you've started a thread about. Are you a little worried that he's only after you for sex but not the commitment you'd like?

(I hope that this whole post doesn't come across as patronising and I hope I haven't projected my own situation too much!!).

*"Planning on letting yourself go?

Or just one of those unfortunate women who peaks early instead of getting more beautiful as she approaches 40?

Either way, sucks to be you."*

Strikes me as a way more harsh, and gendered, attack than what the OP's boyfriend said.

Your DP is right, sadly.

There's a graphic you can find if you Google, about dating app use. Men consistently try to select partners significantly younger than themselves. Even when their selected age category looks fairly reasonable, they actually message much younger women if they can.

There was also a brilliant graphic in a gossip mag about Leonardo Dicaprio's girlfriends. They've got younger as he's got older.

Most of us are happy with our similar age partners. But in a 'sweet shop' scenario ie online dating or being rich and famous, men choose younger women.

Shit, innit.

Morris

Yes, this exactly. OPs DP was likely just quoting something he read somewhere, without realising she would take it as a personal slight.
To be honest, I'm starting to feel sorry for the poor bugger.

I started to feel sorry for the poor bugger from the start. Try telling my mates with age gaps their long and happy marriages are creepy

I'd have been straight on the defensive if my mate too if some like the OP had waded in with her assertions that age gaps are creepy

Its a bit of a weird thing to say to your partner that isnt that age, even if he thinks it.

Fresh faced men and women of that age can be very good looking, but if youre older than that, and finding that youngsters are the ONLY people that you fancy, then youre creepy

If he was just referring to a study he read, why would he have greater access to the truth?

He told her that he knew this was true because he was a man.

Not because he was the kind of hard of thinking bore who thinks "science" from the newspaper used to prove "common sense" is worth more than chip wrapper.

That's utterly insulting, even as someone who is 24.

The statement is:

1. internalised misogyny
2. mean - Especially being said to you, OP, who is not 20-24.
3. directly influenced from the media showing older men ALWAYS with younger women (if the relationship if the other way round there is always a fuss).

This man sounds like an idiot, I would leave. Sorry, OP. Ugh.

the fact that it's true isn't that nice, but him saying it in and of itself doesn't seem a reason to leave him. nor does being 'directly influenced by the media' - who isn't?!

Blimey! From what OP said, this comment came out in a normal flow of conversation regarding his mate. How so many people can attribute this to an innate misogyny, and put words in his mouth that he didn't say,
and impute thoughts in his head, which they cannot know, astounds me! I wish I had a penny for every time I said something, and then realised it hadn't come out right - or not realised someone had a particular sensitivity. From what OP has said, she has had no cause for concern thus far. What happened to the benefit of the doubt? Sheesh!

Does he realise that he seems old to them?
It doesn't sound as if he has thought for a second that a 20-24 year old would have an opinion on whether he and his friend might find them attractive or not, in looks and personality. More that it's a one-way interaction where the woman is an unfeeling object.
I hope his comment is an indicator of fantasy rather than entitlement.
Personally I think a lot of men think this and suspect full well what they might unleash if they voiced it to partners, so keep it to themselves.

"I hope his comment is an indicator of fantasy rather than entitlement"

He said it in the course of a conversation about his mate messaging younger women. It was something he read somewhere. It was an observation of something he once read somewhere which was applicable to a conversation he was currently having.
It wasn't a bloody confession.

Only he will know for sure either way.

My DP is 35 and I'm 25 and we have been together for years and have 2 kids it's not creepy and we have a lot in common seriously why is it "creepy"??

Proudmummy, you say years. Can I ask how many?

it's not creepy. you're an adult, he's an adult. it affects nobody else.