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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contacting the OW

151 replies

user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:01

A few months ago I found out that DH had been having an affair. Our marriage was in trouble l and I understand the reasons why, and we have both worked really hard on our marriage, been to Relate etc and our relationship has massively improved.
However I still have huge feelings of RAGE towards the OW - I have never met her but I expect to bump into her at some point as she is relatively local to us. I am pretty sure she has been stalking me on social media - I have blocked her on everything but before I blocked her on instagram she was doing this weird thing of mimicking my posts and hashtags. DH is no longer in touch with her but I don't feel like I can move on completely until I have confronted her. I don't feel like I can let go of my anger until I have done this. My friends all say that this is a bad idea and that I should just move on. Has anyone who has been in a similar position done this, and has it made things better, or worse?

OP posts:
faffalotty · 22/08/2016 11:08

I think this is generally considered to be a bad idea (but I can understand your rage)

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:10

Everyone says it is a bad idea but how can I let go of feelings? Keep playing over and over in my head what I would say to her and how much I hate her (and I know my DH was as responsible as she was etc but I have expressed all those feelings to him). Even dreaming about her ffs!

OP posts:
cantshakeitoff · 22/08/2016 11:10

I think it's a bad idea.

But if you think it will make you feel better - do it.

FreeFromHarm · 22/08/2016 11:13

I was advised not to contact the OW, my situation is a little different to yours , the feelings will pass eventually . So you are staying together is the affair definitely over?

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:16

Yes we are staying together and yes the affair is definitely over. I know the feelings will pass eventually - I have known for a few months but they have not passed yet. But I know they will eventually - cos everything passes eventually. So don't know whether to just sit tight and wait for it to pass or act on them - I don't know if it would make me feel better or worse.

OP posts:
Crispsheets · 22/08/2016 11:21

I would remain dignified. Ignore her.

legotits · 22/08/2016 11:23

What good are you expecting?

Even if you get it of your chest there will be the comparison to live with.
If she's younger/older slimmer/curvier prettier/uglier whatever way she differs will be stuck in your head.

You will beat yourself with it, unnecessary because you lack nothing it was your DH who did.

If you are working at it, forget her.
Concentrate on being with DH on your terms because we are powerless while we blame ourselves.

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 11:25

Nothing good will come of it.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:28

That is what my friends are saying - to not give her the satisfaction of confronting her. Without going into any detail, I know that since DH ended it with her everything has collapsed around her and she is in a pretty shit situation. She was under the impression he was going to leave me for her and they were gonna set up home together with her DC (she didnt know my DH at all if she thought he would want anything to do with her DC). She is completely in the dark with regards to what is going on with me and my DH and my friends say the best thing is to leave her in the dark and not give her the satisfaction of knowing that I am even still giving her any thought.

OP posts:
Kione · 22/08/2016 11:29

Would you try to write it down? In a letter form directly to her, saying everything you feel towards he and then bin it -or keep it if there are no secrets on it, and you feel better keeping it-. It sounds like a new age thing but it really really worked for me when I was younger and my then BF ex was doing my head in.
You can even write whatever in the Facebook messenger and then delete it before you send it - which is more dangerous in case you press send by accident - but I have a friend who does this on the phone.
The old getting it out of your chest works.

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 11:30

I don't think it will be satisfying for her, but I don't think it will help you in any particular way either. If anything, your DH will be the one to have the satisfaction of seeing that you are still threatened by the OW and - depending on the type of man he is - the ego boost of seeing two women who love/d him scrapping over him.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:30

I have done the whole letter writing thing - several times!

OP posts:
tosto · 22/08/2016 11:31

Her version of events will be different from your H's. If you trust your H and want to work towards a happy marriage then you would be mad to invite her back into your marriage by contacting her to have a go at her. The only reason to contact her would be to get the full lowdown on her version of events if you don't trust your H's version.

She didn't cheat on you, your H did. Concentrate on yourself and your own happiness - if your H continues to step up and does everything he can to make things right your relationship and to care for your happiness, great; if he doesn't then you must think about how you can improve your life. She is irrelevant.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:32

I don't think my DH would get any satisfaction out of it. I do think though that if I did get in touch she would take the opportunity to go whining to DH (I gather whining is something she is v good at) about what a psycho I am - and obviously don't want to give her any reason to do this!

OP posts:
glitterwhip · 22/08/2016 11:32

I would definitely advise against it. Many years ago I confronted the other woman, it didn't go how I wanted it to, she didn't care and I just felt foolish and in the end I gained nothing from it
Keep your dignity. I know it's hard when you have so much you want to say to her but trust me in the long run it's not worth.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 22/08/2016 11:32

Leave her be. She has been dumped by your catch of a husband.

Looks like she is getting payback, you don't need to add to it.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:33

Thank you tosto - I know she is irrelevant. My H is working to make things right again and I am not angry with him anymore (much). Just with her. I hate the fact that she has so much hold over me!

OP posts:
tosto · 22/08/2016 11:34

she didnt know my DH at all if she thought he would want anything to do with her DC

I don't expect you to feel sorry for her, but she has been treated badly too.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:34

And I don't think my H is a catch - far from it.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 22/08/2016 11:35

Why are you so angry at the OW? She's not the one who broke her vows and promises. She isn't the one who deceived you. You're transferring your anger from where it should be and until you deal with that, you won't move on.

(And I say that as someone whose husband left her with two kids under 3 for an OW.)

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:36

I have thought that tosto - she has been treated badly too. But then she engaged in an affair with a married man so really couldn't give a fuck about how she feels. But I have no doubt she was devastated when my (catch of a DH) broke it off with her.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/08/2016 11:36

I know my DH was as responsible
Sorry, but he is fully responsible!!
He is the one married to you.
He said those vows.
And only HE broke them.
Your anger is directed towards the wrong person.

I know how you feel. I really do.
But I never wanted to confront the OW.
I hated her, yes.

But soon realised it wasn't actually her fault.
If it hadn't been her it probably would have been someone else.
In fact definitely would have as he's done it twice more to new partners!!

She's done nothing wrong (if you know what I mean)
This is ALL down to your DH and his betrayal of you and his family.
Don't kid yourself otherwise.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 22/08/2016 11:36

OP I was being sarcastic Hmm

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:37

I know it was my H who broke his vows and promises and have dealt with (or am trying to) my anger towards him. So don't know why I am so angry with her.

OP posts:
Kione · 22/08/2016 11:37

Ah ok. In that case I agree with everyone else. Stay above.
But I know I would probably struggle too.