Contacting the OW

[user1471855583]

A few months ago I found out that DH had been having an affair. Our marriage was in trouble l and I understand the reasons why, and we have both worked really hard on our marriage, been to Relate etc and our relationship has massively improved.
However I still have huge feelings of RAGE towards the OW - I have never met her but I expect to bump into her at some point as she is relatively local to us. I am pretty sure she has been stalking me on social media - I have blocked her on everything but before I blocked her on instagram she was doing this weird thing of mimicking my posts and hashtags. DH is no longer in touch with her but I don't feel like I can move on completely until I have confronted her. I don't feel like I can let go of my anger until I have done this. My friends all say that this is a bad idea and that I should just move on. Has anyone who has been in a similar position done this, and has it made things better, or worse?

They are trying to fix things.

I meant if OP gives her anything she will be happy now not when her H was cheating.

Op of course you feel like a bereavement.
Your dh and the ow haven taken a knife to your heart and sliced through it.

You have nothing to forgive , your dh should be making an extraordinary effort to please you, is he?

I don't want to sound like I'm having a go at you as I'm not and I hope your marriage works out.
However in reality I have encountered many similar scenarios and in every one the adulterer has cheated again.

No doubt there will be someone come along and say their oh cheated and hasn't done it since. How do they KNOW that? They don't know for sure. They can only say they aren't aware that their oh has cheated.

Don't be hard on yourself. Rage at your dh if you have to and know that he has to take it.

I would be very tempted too op but it could backfire horribly if she then chose to plaster it all over social media.
Maintain your dignity, it's not easy but revenge is best served cold and she's got her comeuppance.
It's DH you should be angry with, he's the instigator of the whole miserable mess.

You say you are working on forgiving him

How is that even possible?

Surely the offender does all the work, at making themselves worthy of forgiveness? The victim waits for enough time to pass to be convinced that the offender is genuinely worthy of forgiveness. How do you work at that?

Do you mean that you are working on suppressing your frequent anger at him?

I think contacting her would be an awful move. Your anger should all be at your DH. Not her

Daenerys2 do you feel proud of yourself? Do you ever think Of the impact of your actions? My DH had an affair 2 years ago and I'm not over it, never will be. It's affected my life hugely. And yes DH is to blame but so is the ow

I'm not proud at all. I'm devastated. I have split with my H but he is 'making a go of it' with her. Yet, he is still messaging me. I don't get it. Why would he do that? Part of me wants to text her to tell her but she wouldn't leave him anyway so what's the point

I'm not proud at all. I'm devastated. I have split with my H but he is 'making a go of it' with her. Yet, he is still messaging me

So block him.

I'm in love with him and hurt by him. He has told me he wants family life but also me.

The OW set me up for a confrontation, and like a fool I walked straight into her trap. I understand your feelings OP, I loathed my husband for what he had done to me and the DC, but I felt positively murderous about the OW. Like the OW in your situation she did the social media stalking etc, and she also worked in the same place as me and my H so it was hell on earth.

She began going to the same gym I went to and would smirk whenever she saw me. I kept it together for about a month of this, changed attendance times etc but she always seemed to be there when I was. Of course my H was still in touch with her, despite his assurances to the contrary, so she knew my every move ..

I lost it one day in the changing room - didn't lay a finger her although God knows I wanted to. But was pretty blunt about my opinion of her. She laughed and I realised my idiocy - I had given her what she wanted. She went straight to the police, claimed I had pushed her hard and threatened to kill her. I had done neither of those things but I still ended up being arrested by appointment. I was bloody lucky; a woman who was elsewhere in the changing room confirmed my version of events, and I was able to show the police the taunting emails the OW had sent me in the weeks leading up to this. But I still formally warned against 'harassing' her (albeit she too had the same warning from the Police). I cannot begin to describe the humiliation of being in that bloody police station.

Mine is an extreme case, OP, but please, please don't go down the route of any kind of confrontation. Don't give her any door into your heart or soul. Don't be me because all it does is allow her to think that she matters in some way. She doesn't, she is irrelevant and the only important people in this are you and your DC.

And incidentally, I don't believe you have to forgive your DH either at this stage - yes, you can move on and build a different relationship with him, if that is what you want, but forgiveness can take a long time coming, if ever. A friend of mine whose DH has a very long-term affair says that she has to forgive him every day when she wakes up, and that affair ended 15 years ago. For you

You don't get it, I am always perplexed by these statements, you have been having an affair with him, you are his bit on the side, his extra slice of cake - what do you not get?

You do have a say in what happens with your life and who you share your body with; he will continue to contact you as long as you are prepared to be his sloppy seconds for however long he fancies it.

Hard when I have feelings for him and fell for the not getting on, seperate beds crap. I've ended it with my husband cos I have feelings for OM. Why is he back with her and still messaging me?

OP

This OW wouldn't have a single bit of guilt or remorse. She will likely tell you things your husband said about you to her. Things you never knew he said. You won't know if it's true because your husband will deny and say she's just bitter. But you'll never truly know because he's lied to you already.

You don't know if your husband future faked her. You don't know the extent he confided in her. I'm truly horrified by what some MM tell the OW. From issues with inlaws and kids to your own health problems.

OWs are often broken people with no regard for other people's marriages. If she had any regard, she wouldn't have had the affair. You can't expect morality from someone who doesn't have them. She didn't think about your DCS, but neither did your DH. If their father didn't think of the ramifications to them, this desperate OW isn't going to either.

I don't sympathise with OW who knew the man was married. If they fall for the lines of my marriage is bad, she's horrible and I'm only there for the kids then that's her problem. When you play with fire..... you know what happens.

Rather than confront, I much prefer consequences. Without consequences she'll do it again.

Just be glad she's in the place she is.

Daenerys: Because that's the way it has always been, he's been with her and had you on the side, what's changed?

Until you actually love yourself and believe you are worth a hell of a lot more than his sneaky texts then it will carry on for as long as you allow it to, he does not love you, sorry, I'd guess he doesn't love his wife either, he's just playing you both and will probably eventually fuck off himself as I don't think either of you have a real place in his life.

Op it's perfectly normal and ok to be furious with ow. I'm sick to death of hearing how ow or om owes you nothing. After all they made no vows ect. What rubbish.

On that basis should we not be angry with a nasty colleague?What about that Bully who bullys our kids ? Should we not be angry about that because after all they don't owe us anything and made no vows? Why do affair partners get a free pass ? Why shouldn't people be angry at them? It's a perfectly normal reaction.

There is endless support on here for people upset by the actions of colleagues, friends, family or strangers. Not once will you see a reply stating that the colleague , in law or stranger owe you nothing .

Infidelity is the only event where it's not ok to be angry at someone who has caused you intense pain. So much so that when wives consider informing the ow husband they are urged not to . It seems that while ow owe betrayed wives nothing, the wife owes ow dignified silence, she's not to confront, be angry and she's expected to collude in keeping the affair secret. Not a bad deal if you can get it.

Yes your husband is the problem. But that takes nothing away from her actions. You've also had the opportunity to express your hurt and anger to him. Not so with her. Personally I'd have no concern telling her face to face exactly what I thought about her. After all, it seems you owe each other nothing.

I know I'm allowing myself to be treated badly. I just don't know how to get over him. It's ridiculous. The no contact thing lasts a day or two then I unblock

Matrix: I get what you are saying but for me, I'd not lower myself, I am sure the OW knows exactly what the OP thinks of her - in fact for me, meeting up now and shouting names at her would only probably hurt myself - of course she can be angry at her, I would be too but facing up to her to verbally abuse her I don't think would make a bit of difference, it's happened, it's in the past now, OH has decided to forgive OH, she will unfortunately have to do the same to the OW but maintain a wall of silence.

Daenerys: you will get to the point where you will think fuck this, you are just not there yet.

Personally I'd have no concern telling her face to face exactly what I thought about her. After all, it seems you owe each other nothing

Which is why OW will not hold back from telling her all stuff her H hasn't.

I'm not suggesting the Op should verbally abuse her. The point I'm making is its ok and normal to feel that anger. Being told ow has done nothing wrong and owes you nothing is insulting. What people choose to do with that anger is up to them, but the anger is very real and very justified.

Deanerys2 I wouldn't be holding back if she came at me.

I think this is typical attitude of many ow towards the wife. Do you imagine she would come crying to you in a vulnerable state tearfully asking for your version of her marriage ? If so you have clearly never been confronted by an extremely angry wife.

The thing is, although you and I and most decent people would feel bad about having played a part in upsetting someone, people like her just wouldn't give a shit. If they did, they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

They're cunts, but I doubt you'd get them to admit it.

I just don't think it would help the OP, she'd possibly lose it and become verbally aggressive, that will just show the OW that she is still hurting, I'd not want her to know that, in fact if I bumped into her and smile as broadly as I could and simply ignore (bit like the cat that got the cream).....I guess we all have different ways of dealing with our anger, I don't think for a minute she should not be angry at the OW but if she's put it behind her as far as her OH is concerned then why rake it all up again.

I also agree, anyone embarking on an affair is indeed a cunt of a person and wouldn't care anyway.

OMG Dancing that is terrible - my friend did say that to me - if I went round to her house and confronted her she could call the police and all sorts and that would just make a crap situation a million times worse. How awful for you - are you still with your H now? And yes think I will be forgiving him every day for years to come if I do stay.
Slightly paranoid now that Daenerys is my H's OW though :)
And Matrix all the points you make are very true.
I don't know the woman at all (although yes she is a cunt) and don't think anything she had to say to me would either help me or contribute to healing my relationship with my H at this stage.

Personally I would not be smiling at someone who had played a part in ruining my family.

In all other cases of outrageous behaviour people are encouraged to assert themselves with the perpetrator. Nasty stranger or colleague? No one ever suggests smile and ignore otherwise they'll know they've upset you.What is so terrible about someone knowing they've upset you ? Why is this dynamic only applied to ow? Surely the stranger or colleague also knows they've upset you. After all that's exactly what they hope to achieve with their nasty behaviour. Yet they still get confronted.

I'm not at all suggesting that you should confront Op. Just that your feelings are valid.