Contacting the OW

[user1471855583]

A few months ago I found out that DH had been having an affair. Our marriage was in trouble l and I understand the reasons why, and we have both worked really hard on our marriage, been to Relate etc and our relationship has massively improved.
However I still have huge feelings of RAGE towards the OW - I have never met her but I expect to bump into her at some point as she is relatively local to us. I am pretty sure she has been stalking me on social media - I have blocked her on everything but before I blocked her on instagram she was doing this weird thing of mimicking my posts and hashtags. DH is no longer in touch with her but I don't feel like I can move on completely until I have confronted her. I don't feel like I can let go of my anger until I have done this. My friends all say that this is a bad idea and that I should just move on. Has anyone who has been in a similar position done this, and has it made things better, or worse?

HappyJanuary I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having anger towards the OW. In fact I'd feel some very strong feelings towards a woman who KNOWINGLY had an affair with a married man, whether she was fed lies about them sleeping separately or not (because come on, who doesn't realise that's a standard line by now?).

HOWEVER I do believe that much of the of anger the OP feels towards the OW is misplaced, only because she's attempting to reconcile with her H. If she had vented all her anger and rage towards the H, left him, and then still felt this anger, then totally fair enough.

When someone has kids, is attempting to reconcile or has some other reason they can't totally vent their anger, they DO bottle it up and try and find a "safe" outlet. I can tell you that I've never been (knowingly) cheated on, but I do very very often have to bottle my anger or sadness or any other emotion for the good of keeping my job, or keeping my in-law and family relationships functioning. Another way to explain it is the the "kick the dog"/ or "kick the cat" theory (aka rumination/displaced aggression): www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200509/learning-not-lash-out

Ultimately this woman is nothing. She was simply the outlet for the cheating, just like alcohol is the outlet for an alcoholic and casinos are an outlet for a gambler. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else and the OP needs to see this woman as nothing, because that's what she is, and instead focus on whether her DH can be "fixed" enough that the OP won't worry he'll find another outlet again... Easier said than done

I always say don't confront. Not unless you're ready for opening a Pandora's Box.

Are you ok with finding out that your DH has lied to you about a lot you didn't know about? Are you ok with hearing all the things he said to OW during their affair? The promises he made, the things he said about you? Are you ok hearing about their sex life? The details of the betrayal? Are you ok with everything to say to her being passed into the public domain? Your husband may be motivated to be discreet, she might not be. Are you ok with her potentially contacting your DH again, either to tell him what a bitch you are or because you've told her more about the lies and bullshit he fed her and she wants to vent at him? Maybe her turning up at your house and making a scene?

Are you ok with opening the door to having her in your life again? Right now you've both blocked her. She's out. This makes her a factor again. And she won't let you say all the things you've got in your head, admit she's an awful person and go away in tears. People don't work that way. She may well just be angry and horrible to you and add a whole load of new hurt.

There seems to be a certain expectation about how contact with the ow would go. A grief stricken wife pleading for details from the ow , or the ow informing the wife of their sex life.

Are you ok with finding out that your DH has lied to you about a lot you didn't know about? Are you ok with hearing all the things he said to OW during their affair? The promises he made, the things he said about you? Are you ok hearing about their sex life? The details of the betrayal?

Ow usually do not want a confrontation. They are also risking being informed of all the above, along with all the unpleasant things men say about the woman they cheat with.

Trust me, you will kick yourself later if you confront her.

It will not give you the satisfaction / closure that you imagine it will and you will have lost your dignity and moral high ground in the meantime.

Learn from my mistakes!

MatrixReloaded - well, yes. But the OP is talking about forcing a confrontation on the OW. At which point it's happened. What I'm saying is that once you've done all that and told the OW your side of the story, she's got nothing to lose by fighting back with hers.

What she won't do is say "yes, I accept I'm a horrible person" and go quietly away. Well, maybe she might. But odds are she won't.

I've certainly never seen it happen.

What goes around comes around in life and I do believe cheaters and their OWs/OM get their comeuppance in life one way or another.

After all they more than anyone know what the person is capable of.

Once the mistress becomes wife, a vacancy arises. For OWs who are now the wife, just remember that the way your husband loves you now, is the way he loved the wife he cheated on.

Exactly, in your mind, you imagine the confrontation going a certain way: you are magnificent and imperious, the op is a snivelling horrified mess.

In reality it won't go like that.

And even if it does, I doubt very much indeed that you will feel any better. You certainly won't suddenly feel all calm and centred. Chances are you'll feel worse.

And, on top of that you'll have lost your dignity

Honestly, it seems great in theory. But in practice it's not that brilliant.

There's no way DH would have told her that you still saw yourself so as happily married. He wouldn't have sat there saying 'gosh she loves me so much, she'll be gutted beyond belief because she thinks I'm faithful and love her as much as she loves me. No, he would have stacked it to make him look okay. He would have told her you effectively 'live separate lives' and are just friends. So you'd open yourself again to the lies he had to tell her (and himself) to get her in the sack.

You ok op?

Amber you've justified your behaviour against the things that your H wife did. You got everything you asked for so please don't whine about it now.

I don't know how people manage to be happy when they based their happiness on the misery of someone else.
Oh and your blind faith made me smile. After all, isn't that exactly the same faith that your H first wife had? Men like yours compartmentalise. I wouldn't trust yours as far as I could throw him. You've seen first hand how easy lies come to him, how he deals with anything not going his way in the relationship, the lies he told you about his wife to justify his actions. Do you think she believed for one second that he'd do all that?

OP you will tie yourself up in knots and contort your soul to make things good with this lying cheating arsehole who cheated on you. He just doesn't deserve the effort you will put in: wearing nice underwear, being better in bed than 'her', looking fantastic at all times, being a Stepford wife... it's exhausting.
This OW is nothing but your anger is directed at her and not your H because your love is mixed in with all your emotions when he is concerned. You feel like you can make this all ok with him. But it's not your job. It's his job to make this right with you. And even if he managed that he can never make it go away. It will always have happened.
If I was you I would kick him out and start again in life.
You will feel so much better if you do.

The anger directed at Amber on this thread seems slightly unfair to me. She has been clear that she feels guilty and that she regrets how her relationship started. There were no children involved and it sounds as though the wife was genuinely irrational (even committing criminal offences in retribution) - we have no reason to believe that what Amber says is untrue in this regard. I can quite easily believe that a man would fall in love with somebody else before being able to end such a difficult relationship in the amicable way that seems to be envisaged on these threads. He was wrong, but that doesn't mean that he will inevitably cheat on the woman he fell in love with .

I know it is an unpopular view on MN, but I think that there definitely is a spectrum of "wrong" when it comes to being an OW. The OW who knows the wife or who sets out deliberately to disrupt and destroy a marriage IMHO deserves far more blame and anger than the OW who simply happens to fall in love with the right man at the wrong time, or who is lied to repeatedly by a deceitful man who tells her that he is separated.

I have been cheated on and it bloody hurts. I was angry with the OW for a while, but that was largely because I knew her and she was under no illusion that our relationship was over or that we were separated. Even so, I am sure that she was fed lines that were not the whole truth and that the man who made promises to me was by far the more culpable. Ultimately he was not my property. She did not "steal" anything from me. They both behaved badly but he was perfectly free to make his own choices and frankly I am glad that he showed his true colours before I wasted any more of my life with him.

andintothefire, because there were no children involved in Ambers case doesn't make it ok does it though. Infidelity is about husband and wife, although it affects the children and others.

When you are involved in the break up a marriage, you shouldn't be suprised about what comes next whether it's against the law or not.

If I had an affair and the wife came and physically attacked me of course it's against the law, but if I wasn't fuc*g her husband it never would have happened. So I must blame myself and myself alone for bringing it on.

Affairs are deadly and I don't know why anybody risks it. The majority of betrayed spouses will hurt and cry, but every now and then you'll find one who just flips out ... like Betty Broderick. I value my life and would never mess with another woman's husband it's so not worth it.

OWs are by and large afraid of any contact from the BW. They know they did wrong and don't want to see the human face of the person that was betrayed. They really don't, because that makes it all real.

Up till then you were just 'my MMs wife'. Yes that's what they call your husband ... 'my MM'. I've had OWs spew hate at the BW from a distance and it's usually based on what they've been told by the WH/MM.

You may have more luck if you just wanted to talk to her about the A. To hear her side, but she may be petrified like this OW.

Recently I got a text from his wife begging to tell her the truth, asking are we still ''together''. She has contacted me a few times before asking the same. It made me really ill, I tried to brush it off, but it stays with me all the time. Because I have finished it, I tried to be brave. I've done what I could. I can't answer her, cause I'm not going to lie about everything like he (exMM) did. She has him there to talk to and ask questions. I feel terrible for not being able to tell her what she wants.

Why is she trying to get me talking to her, why does she even want that truth if she is there and I'm just someone on the side. It's been a long time he went back to her.

I'm so broken down I don't believe it will ever get better, I think about them being happy all the time. I know it's stupid, but my heart is in pieces.

Sandy I disagree. They don't call them "my MM". They call them their bf, or DP or in my case, just "my man"

And they also largely aren't bothered about being confronted by the wife. They may even welcome it because it brings the prize closer to them. Or, as in my case, they simply don't care about the wife's feelings

The confrontation never ever gives the satisfaction or closure that anyone thinks it will

Well I disagree as I said earlier I got two written apologies, they both fucking crapped themselves and they both despise my ex now which was the aim of the game

These are weak pathetic women not devil wears prada types please remember that ... Who else would stoop so low and accept the crumbs

I didn't. I got a "fuck off he's mine now"

I would have pissed myself if she'd said that, what a catch 😂😂

I went to the OW house after it was over. It had been snowing. I wrote CUNT in the snow on the doorstep, just where she'd see it as she came out. Then I went home. Not very dignified, I'll grant you, but I felt a bit better.

I never understand why ow think they've won if they end up with mm.

80% of the time he's there because his wife threw him out.

Of the ones that go from choice, a lot regret it and end up begging their wives for another chance.

Even if you genuinely bag one, you will always know how the relationship started and what he's capable of. When people ask how you met you will have to lie or watch their fixed grin as they pretend not to be appalled. At family events you will always be ow. What on earth do these people think they have won?

Bit

You just need to read on the OW boards online o see that my MM is commonly used by the OW. They know that they are 'the Other'.

I'm sure they don't say it to their friends and family, because the affair is a dirty secret. I've also heard 'my married boyfriend.'

And it goes ...

"The relationship with my MM started 5 years ago when I was interning at the office he worked in."

"I met my MM on a dating app. I knew he was married, but it he was just looking for a friend."

"I have read a lot of posts where it is said when you finish with your MM they will keep trying to get you to break NC"

"But my strength had been taken away by a loss and once I was involved with xMM"

I wasn't talking about here. I was talking about RL.

And we all refer to people here in ways that we don't in rl in order to make things clear. I mean, if I started calling the kids DD1 and DD2 to their faces I think they'd be a bit non- plussed

In reality, no OW calls them their MM anywhere but here

MN doesn't actually have a load of OWs from what I've seen. Those references aren't from here at all.