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Original poster

Contacting the OW

151 replies

user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 11:01

A few months ago I found out that DH had been having an affair. Our marriage was in trouble l and I understand the reasons why, and we have both worked really hard on our marriage, been to Relate etc and our relationship has massively improved.
However I still have huge feelings of RAGE towards the OW - I have never met her but I expect to bump into her at some point as she is relatively local to us. I am pretty sure she has been stalking me on social media - I have blocked her on everything but before I blocked her on instagram she was doing this weird thing of mimicking my posts and hashtags. DH is no longer in touch with her but I don't feel like I can move on completely until I have confronted her. I don't feel like I can let go of my anger until I have done this. My friends all say that this is a bad idea and that I should just move on. Has anyone who has been in a similar position done this, and has it made things better, or worse?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 16:07

Yep matrix that is very true! I think that has been what is making me so angry - in any other situation, with family member, colleague, friend, parent of other child etc - I would have it out with them. And yet this person has been fucking my husband (which is probably the worst thing another person has ever knowingly done to me) but I need to keep a dignified silence and not confront. I am not saying am going to confront - at this stage think it would do more harm than good - but think that explains the rage we feel. That we have been wronged but are advised not to confront when in all other situations when wronged we would deal with it directly.

OP posts:
adora1 · 22/08/2016 16:09

But remember OP, the OW did not sit and make a plan to hurt you, she made a plan to sleep with your OH yes but it's not quite the same as someone else directly hurting your feelings or doing something upsetting to you, especially if you know them.

You also don't have a clue what lines your OH was feeding her.

headinhands · 22/08/2016 16:17

And yet this person has been fucking my husband (which is probably the worst thing another person has ever knowingly done to me)

No, that award goes to your husband. I agree that it seems like you're pushing your anger at him towards her, which isn't unusual when a couple stay together. And I think as the days go by and you are fully appreciating what you have lost forever, even if you remain married, I think that you are directing the anger at her in a bid to stop it affecting your attempt to forgive your DH.

Whether you stay together or not things will never be the same and you are now effectively getting used to a new marriage.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 16:18

I know she didn't sit and make a plan to hurt me, no - but she was well aware of what she was doing and consequences for me and my DC. I know he is the one who is responsible for hurting me more than she is - but knowing that doesn't stop me feeling angry. I have known for months but am still reeling from the shock of it tbh. I knew things werent good in our marriage but I thought I could trust my DH - and I couldnt. It makes you reconsider everything in a whole new light.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 16:19

Yep head you are right.

OP posts:
Ineversaid16 · 22/08/2016 16:21

I think a lot of these posts are anger about losing control of said husband. You can't control what another does in his or her life but you can control your own life and what you will and won't put up with. The choice is there for the taking.

headinhands · 22/08/2016 16:21

Personally I would not be smiling at someone who had played a part in ruining my family.

Like her husband? The problem with all this 'she doesn't even deserve acknowledging' is that her DH has let her down even MORE than the ow and yet she's trying to be in a relationship with him, have him touch her etc.

headinhands · 22/08/2016 16:23

people like her just wouldn't give a shit. If they did, they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

And people like her DH

tralaaa · 22/08/2016 16:26

I confronted the OW who my 1st H had an affair with I wanted her to know that I loved him and he had loved me and I wanted her to hear my pain. I rang her the day I found out. They stopped seeing each other for a short while but then he did leave me and our 3 C for her. He married her and she said my phone call and the hurt she caused will always stay with her but karma got there. After they married she had an affair and left my XH.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 22/08/2016 16:37

I don't know. I had one conversation with the woman in my situation,which is different as she was also meant to be by best friend. She asked to meet me and I said no, but that I would speak to her on the phone if she had something important to say.
I was so angry and upset that I didn't articulate what I wanted to say properly at all and that annoyed me all the more. It was quite soon after I found out however. I often think what I would like to say to her now and maybe I could get through it better. I actually don't think she'd give a fuck though tbh, so maybe there would be no point. My biggest fear is running into her in town or on a night out. Not sure how it would go.as a consequence I now try not to go out much. School run and kids football I can nearly cope with as I can plan not to see her with some careful management.but we live in a small town so random meetings are likely at other times.
Maybe it would be better to have had it out-properly-before now. It's difficult to know op.i agree with the pp who said why shouldn't you be angry at the ow though, as well as at your h. It's a person who has contributed to you being massively hurt. You are hardly going to feel warmly towards them, unless you are some sort of Saint!

PickledCauliflower · 22/08/2016 16:42

I wouldn't contact her.
It won't make you feel any better, you will be angry if she responds and angry if she doesn't.
I understand the feeling that you would want to, but I don't think it will help.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 16:43

I am def not some sort of saint :)! I know I am bound to run into her at some point - she is not on our town but nearby - so more than likely the DC will be present as I imagine at some point we will attend same event or something. And obviously would not acknowledge her in front of my DC. Their dad may be a lying cheating scumbag but they dont need to know that.

OP posts:
Bambooshoots14 · 22/08/2016 17:07

2 years later I still wish I could confront ow. I did FB message her at the time but not sure if she ever read it.

Original poster
user1471855583 · 22/08/2016 17:10

I sent her a message on the day I found out - she never responded.

OP posts:
willconcern · 22/08/2016 17:25

No, no, no! Don't contact her. By doing that you give her importance. Far better to ignore her completely. If you see her in the street, ignore her.

I never confronted OW. So glad I didn't as they are now married, and we get on fine.

The answer is time. Just give it time to heal.

MatrixReloaded · 22/08/2016 17:53

I've been betrayed twice. Both times I contacted the ow. It wasn't to compare notes or ask questions. I wasn't interested in anything they had to say and I didn't care what they thought about me. They were left fully aware of my feelings on the matter.

Nothing much happened after that but they knew full well there wasn't going to be any smirking when they saw me with me scuttling around feeling ashamed and uncomfortable. That's why I did it.

MotherOfROC · 22/08/2016 17:56

It's not worth it she will just lie .....

Daenerys2 · 22/08/2016 18:05

I don't think she'd necessarily lie, but she would tell you things about him you'd be better off not knowing.

MotherOfROC · 22/08/2016 18:07

She will trust me .. In my situation she was a snake and wanted what was mine

Ineversaid16 · 22/08/2016 18:12

'Wanted what was mine' HmmConfused

HappyJanuary · 22/08/2016 18:13

I've been in your position OP, and I didn't contact the ow although I thought about it constantly.

Not because of the 'misplaced anger' shit often spouted on here, but because I knew she wouldn't react as I needed her to.

I fantasised about her crying, apologising and telling me she couldn't live with the guilt. But any woman capable of fucking a married father for a long time has already overcome any guilty feelings surely?

No, I expect the reality would have been defensiveness, passing the blame, and juicy affair details designed to hurt me.

Instead I was dignified and stayed away. I took pride in showing my kids and the rest of the world that I wouldn't stoop to her level. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a new bit of drama, or a bit of gossip about his psycho wife that she could share with her friends. It sounds cheesy, but I focused on 'winning' by building a great life so I could feel utterly superior if I ever met her on the street.

Diamondsandpurls · 22/08/2016 18:13

Why don't you do some lovely new hashtags on Instagram #notsuchawinnernow #dumped #nomorehappyfamilies. She will never know if this was aimed at her...

MotherOfROC · 22/08/2016 18:16

Ineversaid16 yep that is what she told me !!!

andintothefire · 22/08/2016 18:17

I agree with most of the other posters. There is a point in contacting her if you are not sure what to do or what to believe, and genuinely want to know her side of it. But as PPs have said, it is highly likely that she was spun a lot of lies and exaggerations - that you were separated, that you had a sexless marriage, that you had agreed you were only staying together for the DCs and would separate when they got older, that you had mental health issues that meant he couldn't leave you immediately, etc etc. I am not saying these excuses were used in your case, but it is amazing how many men seem to betray and lie to both women when they have an affair.

Since the OW didn't know you, she may very well have believed him (or chosen to believe him). In the first flush of an affair, it is amazing how much people are willing to trust the other person. And while these lines are usually made up, there are some (rare) situations in which men are genuinely separated but living in the same house, so it is not too difficult for a woman to convince herself that in her case the lines are true.

I think contacting her in anger serves little purpose. It might be different if you knew her, and knew that she had deliberately betrayed you too, but unless you genuinely want to engage with her and find out the truth of what your husband has been doing and saying, I think it may turn out to be a mistake to jump in with angry accusations at this stage.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2016 19:07

Matrix I agree with what you say and it is annoying for people to say OW owes you nothing.

How about common decency by not f**king a married man. Another woman's husband. Why would you do to someone what you wouldn't want done to you.

Then what really gets my goat when the BW exacts revenge is the OW saying why doesn't she face her husband and leave me alone.

Well you don't get to insert yourself into another person's marriage and expect to get off scot free. The WH has his consequences and any one who is the 'other' deserves whatever they get.