Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Excellent advice a few posts up from Nicenewdusters.

Like loads of posters on here, I admire your integrity, your strength and the way you're handling this.

You must though stop reacting to him. It's his choice to rush along with his new rental. He will have to fund that and it has no bearing at all on your situation. He will stay on your mortgage until the time it is transferred to you. He will be liable for his share because if you can't pay it, the lender will go to him. Regardless of his rental, he's duty bound to pay the mortgage. So please stop worrying about this.

The kids situation, I nodded and sighed when I read about the inevitable crash. It brought tears to my eyes actually because I remembered dealing with the same reactions. Different kids, same reactions. My DD desperately wanted a dog, for years and years. I was neutral, but ex adamant that we would never get one. He sets up home with OW, he gets OW a lab puppy. DD in tears, because in her mind dad loves OW enough, but he didn't love her enough. As a 15 yr old she couldn't see that practically OW had the time, because she mainly works from home, to look after it, she saw rejection. Anyway we had tears, then we had rage, then withdrawal. And naturally I had to deal with it. Like you, it's really hard, when you're emotionally on your knees, to have one more thing to deal with.

I coped, you will cope. I stayed consistent, listened, supported her. That's all you can do. The 'puppy' incident raised its head in different guises for all three over the next few years. All I could do was rage inwardly at the selfish, thoughtless behaviour of their father whilst plastering on a smile and being there with cuddles and support.

It's hard, it's unfair, but it's the way for countless mums in our position.
And it doesn't last forever. Remember this. Mine are all young adults, they totally have the measure of their father, and he's paying the price. A litter of puppies wouldn't make his DD closer to him. He really was the loser after all.

Hope you got some sleep, hopefully took advantage of the extra hour.

And I agree about a SHL, make sure you are completely happy if you have one. If not, your homework this week Miss, is to get one.
Take care.

These are the hard yards op. And it's awful because you feel like you are getting better and then it hits you again.
Hang in there op.you've done so well-really.

Just read this thread through, came to it late. Just sending to you Alec - you are doing brilliantly. Wishing you so much luck with the finances.

Very good posts here, just to add that I find sometimes it is better just to think this a bad day, I'll ride it out, tomorrow will probably be better. As if it were the flu.

Alec - I am so very sorry that you are going through a bad patch. PLEASE do not give any thinking time to him (can't bear to call him husband) and ow snuggled up. It won't last long believe me. He went to her with a gold plated CV stating he was a cheating, lying, destructive specimen of manhood. What woman would be truly happy to take on a man who had caused so much sadness and destruction? He has done it once and he will do it again. When he starts telling her he thinks he "needs a break" and scuttles back to his parents perhaps this make her realise "once a cheater always a cheater". He thinks he got away with it this time, next time it will be even easier. It is all very well getting the children excited about going to Ikea for new beds and buying things for the happy new home I bet they have told all their collective children what fun it will all be, we can all be together, do things together - how we will all get on........NO. He could not make it work with you and your lovely children. He had a wife to be proud of - hard working, capable, faithful and a real home maker who made him and her children feel safe secure and happy. He will not be able to reconstruct this scenario with the ow. The whole of their relationship is based on lies and cheating. She should be ashamed to bring this man into contact with her children - what a pathetic role model he is. Having access to his children at his parents' home was never going to be a success. Believe me Alec, I have been there know only to well from bitter experience how difficult grandparents feel in this no win situation. They must be dreadfully ashamed of him, breaking up a lovely family in the way he did it - lying to all again!!! But no doubt they have told him they will "always be there for him" - but the rapidity of his moving out and as you imagine via their finances makes me think otherwise. Trust me Alec they are well shot of him. Their role now is just to be available when the inevitable happens and they once again step in to pick up the pieces of his bad behaviour. I do not see them being so accommodating a second time. Please do not stress yourself thinking about him and ow being together. Those of us know only too well that once the heady fun of illicit romance wears off - or indeed this happens even in happy contented relationships - the day to day running of a household, two full time workers, debt, financial strain etc etc etc then add into the mix unhappy children certainly makes the going harder. Ow must surely be dealing with the fallout of her own bad behaviour too - plus dealing with troubled unhappy children - it cannot be otherwise. Put a blended family together under the happiest conditions is not easy but when there is all this underlying sadness and unhappiness things start falling apart soon enough. He could not cope with two of his own children how is he going to handle stroppy teens and younger children wondering what the hell is going on? I do not see this relationship sailing into the happy sunset - just wait and see. In the meantime I am indeed sorry for your situation. You are clearly a very caring person and having all this thrown at you is horribly unfair. It is easy for me to say keep strong but take it just "one day at a time". Listen to the wise words of wisdom from MN's re SHL and your financial situation. Think again about the financial split you plan. As he is still on the mortgage he is legally bound to pay up - don't rush this - may this be just another boil on his sorry ass! We are all here for you Alec, if one of us is down we are all down! Please remember too......When you walk through a storm hold your head up high. You can do it Alec. Please take care of yourself too and cut yourself a little slack.

How are you doing op?

Hi, still here. I'm doing ok thanks. Thanks for thinking of me Nigel.
It has been a busy week this week and a bit of a tough one with dd who is struggling again with her emotions at the mo.
Things are moving with the mortgage decision but very, very slowly.
The other night I made the decision to block exh on Facebook. He doesn't post much on it nowadays but there is the odd photo and I don't really want to see pics of her. It is more though that I don't want him looking at every little thing I do. It felt good to press that 'block' button.

Just spent an hour or so reading the thread; just wanted to say that I think that you're fabulous.

Well done on blocking. Sounds like the right thing to do.

Just read your thread Alec. Wish you all the best in looking after yourself and your children. You sound like a lovely generous person and it sounds like you have good support from family and friends. However, don't let your generosity allow you and your kids to get ripped off by your ex and ow who are selfish, scheming liars. They are rushing into a rental the families can't afford. They will try to get more than their fair share of everything. Please protect yourself and your kids. You need legal advice.

Don't agree to any financial settlement without legal advice. Get a solicitor on your side.

Stop trusting him about the financials. He has been lying to you for a long time about the ow. He will be lying to you about his financial intentions too.

The dacbol blocking is quite cathartic.iwosj I could block mine from rest of my life sometimes
Sorry to hear dd is a bit fragile...it's all just so hard.

Just wondering how you are Alec.

Hi, I'm still here, thanks for thinking of me.
Things are still plodding along here. I think the mortgage is moving forward but nothing concrete yet. They just keep asking for more and more paperwork, it is driving me mad. I just want it sorting so I can relax over Christmas knowing that I am in my own home and it is just mine.
I heard today that I will be getting some child tax credits which is a nice surprise. Every little into the pot helps.
We had a lovely visit yesterday from some old uni friend and their kids. Obviously they were joint friends before but they don't want anything to do with him now. Another set of friends he has lost.
I feel settled most of the time now. The future still scares me but I have to think about now, not what might happen.

Hurrah for friends like that! Lovely to have other people see him for what he is.

All my friends do, and their husbands who were good friends with him before. Everyone has been so lovely and helpful. I've never had so many handy men at my disposal!
I was worried about joint friends and how they would react but they are all undoubtedly in support of me. The thing is I am the one maintaining contact and I am also the one who hasn't done anything wrong so I guess it is easier for people to 'side' with me.
I know it isn't about sides but I am so grateful for the support I have had.

That's so good to hear. People are supporting you because you are clearly a very good honest decent woman who did not deserve to be treated so badly. We all knew from the start that "he" was so very wrong and deceitful - friends don't need persuading to support you or "take sides" - they see the situation for how it is and how badly he has let you and your children down. He must realise his former friends want nothing to do with him. He is wandering off into an eventual very lonely time. As your children get older they will realise the havoc he has wilfully caused you all and he must face the consequences of this too. Keep strong Alec. It must be very hard for you at times but much happier times our not too far away for you.

Hi,just letting all you lovely people know I am still here.
Things still moving very slowly with the mortgage bit they are moving as far as I know. It is frustrating me so much that it's taking so long. I just feel in limbo and I don't feel like I can relax in my own home.
Exh continues to annoy me every time I see him. He was really snappy with tonight when I picked ds up for no reason at all. I just wanted to rip his head off! I had forgotten how arsey he could be so it actually made me feel better that I don't have to put up with that every day. Twat!

There will be lots of little incidents like that AleC which will make you see the silver lining in this. I feel for you about the waiting and uncertainty - that's the hardest to bear. You're having to put up with that because of him and he's being snappy with you?

Arse.

I know, unbelievable isn't it?
He moves into his new place on Monday so I will finally be rid of all traces of him. He is coming here with his dad on Monday to get all his stuff I have packed. I will be at work thank god. I've told him he needs to list the key back through when he is done. It feels a bit weird that he will be walking round my house when I'm not there and he could help himself to anything without me realising. I'm hoping having his dad there will ensure he just takes his stuff and goes. There's no way round it, it has to be done like this.

Well at least by the end of monday that's it-it's done.
Try and ignore him being snappy. Mine lost all semblance of manners on top of everything else-it seems fairly common. It was bloody hurtful at first. Now I just try to ignore it and put it down on the list of evidence of just what an unfortunate sort of a person he is.

That's horrible.
I would consider putting away anything very personal / precious to you - either hidden where you know he won't find it , locked away and you take the keys or give them to a friend / family member to look after for the day. Jewellery, letters, special momentos. photos that you would hate to lose.

(and I wouldn't be averse to doing the old 'sew some fresh prawns into some linings' of a couple of things that you know he will take with him )

Could you stick his stuff in the garage, AleC4?

If not then too bad. It will be the last time he is in the house hopefully so just try to get it over with.

On Sunday I think it would be a good idea to round up any paperwork, special family photographs, small valuable items and maybe take them to a friend's house. And then get them back when you are sure he no longer has access to your house. You don't want him rifling through your stuff. Even if he wouldn't take anything, it does give you a little bit of control.

You are doing really well, I think. Keep on keeping on.

Cross-posted with Louisa.

I do think it is a good idea. He might just decide to take some family photos or something on the spur of the moment. And you don't want to be in the position of having to ask him nicely to get copies.

Maybe leave out some crappy photos instead that you don't mind him having.