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Relationships

Christmas issues

118 replies

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 21/08/2016 21:18

I have recently separated from h, and though at first it was very amicable, that soon altered when it transpired he had been seeing my best friend for the year and a half before the break up and that they had both been acting in ways that were highly manipulative and unpleasant during that time.This has continued in various forms since I found out and there have also been some horrible discussions with h about money,which have been stressful and during which I feel he has attempted to screw me over a bit.
I have had some pretty bad anxiety/depression issues since finding out about this in March.I eventually lost my job, which Id started the day I found out and which was something I had worked so hard for.Im still finding it all quite hard to deal with.
Our two DD's (9 and 10) are unaware of the situation with h and my former best friend (though I think they have worked out that something is going on-small town, lots of gossip, and of course said friend is no longer in my house every few days as she had been-and the kids aren't totally oblivious to that kind of thing).h does not want to tell them and I haven't-against my better judgement really and also because her kids are friends with mine-so it would be something that would affect them too-as they are also apparently none the wiser.
The situation is very strained still and I am nowhere near back to being myself.
The girls are now asking what will happen at christmas. They have expressed a preference to go to my parents-a 3 hour drive away (as my dad is old and ill and they have a very good relationship with him and are concious that after a recent health scare he is not invincible).My parents do not want anything to do with ex h, (whereas in the past it might have been possible-it isn't yet and may never be, for him to come with us to spend Christmas at their house).
H and I have had some brief discussions re Christmas.he thinks it would be 'unreasonable' of me to say that we are not all four going to spend Christmas together 'as that's what we always said we would do' (which we did, even post split-but that was when we were friends, before his behaviour had become apparent and before he consequences for me had occurred).
I don't feel I can spend any prolonged time with him at the moment.we are polite in front of the kids, and other than stuff around the kids I am trying not to engage with him at all. The thought of spending Christmas with him is not Inspiring.However of course I also don't want to spend it without the girls-especially this year after all that's happened.
The added issue is that it's dd1's birthday on Boxing Day-so it's not even really possible to trade one day off for the other in our case without it being awful for her.
I just don't know what to do, so any advice would be welcome. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to go to my parents? This will be our first spilt up Christmas and I'm so sad that we arent even friends enough to spend it all together as we might have done. It was important to me that we were friends still-and all that is now screwed up really.But I'm still a bit shattered by it all and I can't see how I can do it at the minute.
Sorry this was so long.

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 26/08/2016 09:08

One of her kids was dd1's best friend. They aren't as close as they once were ( inseparable from nursery onwards) as they just sort of grew apart (thank actual God). They didn't fall out, but both just started spending time with other people at school.nej kids was bothered really.She on the other hand was devastated at the time and kept asking me to ask dd1 to make more effort with her dd, to the point where our other friends had to tell her, gently, to stop going on about it. Of course I now see why it upset her so much. The girls are still friends but mercifully not glued to one another anymore.
Her dd and both of mine play on the same football team.
I told the the girls class teachers at school soon after I found out as I wanted them to be able to keep any eye out for the girls when I wasn't there. I felt they needed to know who was involved as it was relevant to the issue. I informed her h (and mine) that I had done so. Her h was ok about it. Mine is a governer at the school and he wasn't pleased.His sister accused me of 'trying to make as much trouble for him as possible'.
I will talk to the girls about it before school starts.

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