What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

I think he's just trying to headfuck you. He pestered and pestered and then got what he wanted, and made out that actually it wasn't that important. He wasn't being considerate or he wouldn't have pestered you in the first place.

Smeagol, if you were 'clearly not up for it', then why do you think he pestered you until you gave in before telling you you didn't have to do it after all? It's still all about control.

yy venus and papa

OP could he have read this? I don't want to cause concern if that's unlikely but I've had headfuck moments and think that is what was happening.

What the others say.

He is trying to control you and his access to your body.

You clearly did not want so he kept pestering until you gave in. Once you gave in he had won so didn't actually need to have sex with you because he had won the right to your body when he wanted it.

That he then joyfully admitted he had a wank earlier when you are not allowed shows his double standards.

Hi Smeagol

I've been following your post since the start and can identify with some of it myself, having been on the receiving end of a lesser degree of emotional abuse. I think you're doing really well, and think it would be great if you didn't have to go home after this weekend! But I know that small steps are still best at this stage.

I wanted to comment about the thing that happened last night - I agree with PP that he has indeed sensed a change of some kind, and is upping the control a little to see if he's still the boss. Normally, having talked you into it he'd then get his way, right, but this time he didn't? This is adding in a new factor to see how you'd react, i.e. getting you 'ready' then further dominating you by withholding the action. I think that if he'd really wanted to appear caring about you not being in the mood, he'd certainly not have laughed and walked out of the room. That is showing contempt for you, as well as the statement that he'd had a wank earlier, i.e. he doesn't need you (tonight) but you need him (because you're 'ready' for it). Has he ever cared if you're not up for it before?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you need really to see his behaviour for what it is. You said it made you doubt yourself, but that is what EA does to you. You doubt yourself, you lose confidence in your own judgement, you depend on them to be 'right' about everything as you no longer trust yourself, and all the while your self-esteem drops through the floor. It really is the Death of A Thousand Cuts, as your self-worth is chipped and chipped away until there is hardly anything left of the real you.

But you are lucky, you have caught this in time and are actively doing something about it. I know you have had good advice on here, and you have been speaking to all the right people, so the only thing I would like to add after your last post is to ask you to please not question yourslef based no anything that he has said or done. If he does something out of character, ask yourself what he is up to now, rather then doubting your reading of the situation. You will be right.

Enjoy your weekend of 'freedom'.

Dear God OP, I've just read this thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth, I'll add my voice to those saying this is not normal, it's not right, it's not your fault, and you deserve much, much better.

This makes me so sad

Nobody has any expectations of you... Emotions get so heightened on here because the "sisterhood" don't want for any other to be hurt or exploited

^^ This. THIS! This should be a sticky at the top of every support fred.

Hope you're doing OK Smeagle.

No judging- none at all. It's called doing what you feel you have to to get you through. It's just heartbreaking that you feel you still have to

You're doing so well, resisting drink and starting one of your books already. You should be damned proud of yourself

His refusal once you "relented" is control, op. He spent the week/end pestering you, then once he had you where he wanted you, he "let you off" with concerns of you "not being up for it" ...

He is playing the "nice guy" to cover over the shit one who pestered you non stop.

It changes nothing in who he is.

The way he put it is very telling too - still all about him. It's one thing to start fore play then say , "oh, you don't seem that into it today, shall we stop?" Or similar. But his comment about "having a wank earlier" makes it clear that, again, it's only his view on sex that really matters.

Wow. He's so horrible.
it's another arrow in the same quiver of power games and entitlement and control though.

x
I hope this makes you feel more entitled to say 'no' now. You were always entitled to say no, but ykwim

Oh well that incident COMPLETELY exposes him IMO. This narrative he had built up about not wanking to save it for you and him 'needing' sexual service and 'having' to have it from you and that he doesn't notice that you are not consenting is total bullshit.

He has noticed that you are standing up to him a bit more.

He had a wank, think about what kind of guy that makes him, he's noticed that you are not up for sexual activity SO he has had a wank but he still continues with his pestering until it is clear you are prepared to cow tow and then he humiliates you.

It is not even about sex, it is about having power over you.

He is deeply fucked up and this was about bringing you into line 'don't try and put me off next time or I'll humiliate you'

Do you think a guy who cared about you and had noticed you were feeling under pressure to perform sexually would go and have a wank and then use it to humiliate you like that or would he be deeply upset and concerned that you would ever feel that way?

yeh, it's not even like wwith my own x where he was unmoved by my distress. That was bad enough. This guy enjoys your distress.

Smeagol

It's definitely not because you are more resistant now! You still relented. It must have been pretty insistent.

The others are right. He noticed a change.
And he was a major arse in the way he conceded.

Notice the slap to the arse.
Does he do that often?
Was it hard?
Because that seems like physical punishment. Not exactly playful.
Beware of escalation.

He knows something has changed and is playing mind games. Disgusting little man that he is.

Ive read right through in shock and horror at your plight Smeag. I've got nothing to add but my hugs and best wishes.
My first bf had the hallmarks of a future abuser. Id had one sexual experience before him and he'd vary between taking the piss as I was still a virgin(so he cant been much of a man) and berating me that I knew what turned me on as I masturbated and could only climax with clitotral stimulation. Luckily he showed his hand so I could dump his arse, but I could see myself slipping into his way of thinking. Stay strong Smeagol, do it for you and your Dd, fuck him and his pandering family.
And everyone else, this is why I stay in mn, support, advice and solidarity. You all rock.

I hate coming to these conclusions. It's deeply uncomfortable.
Thanks though for everyone's insight.

mathanxiety my parenting often comes into scrutiny. Your post was very interesting.

lweji The slap on my arse and laughing were not sinister. It was sort of playful and the laugh was not sneering. Yes he's slapped my arse plenty of times before sometimes painful, sometimes not but not, I thought, done in a nasty way although of course I'm questioning that now.

The whole incident a couple of night ago was humiliating and confusing and I can see how it may have been punishing me in some strange way. Why get someone to the point that they're naked and in a sexual position on the bed before then saying 'I can see your not up for it'?

Thanks for the unjudgemental responses.

Smeagol, I just want to say I couldn't see what was happening clearly when I was in an abusive relationship. It took a long time for me to realise how much he'd fucked with my head, and I'm still dealing with it now. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

Why get someone to the point that they're naked and in a sexual position on the bed before then saying 'I can see your not up for it'?

To humiliate them.

It's very different to choose not to do somrthing, and to be let off your duty with a slap on the arse from your boss/rapist.

Why get someone to the point

Because they are a cunt. An abusive cunt.

Why get anyone anywhere? In a non-abusive relationship, you don't get your partner to any point and then pull out, you have a mutually consenting encounter which is about a joint experience.

Sorry if it hurts but really, you need to get your ducks in a row and start working out what your next plans are. Because if he senses a change, and manages to get you back under the spell; that's when he will punish you.

So you being ready for sex simply involves you taking your clothes off and assuming a position? You do know that that's not entirely normal? Most sexual encounters tend to start with kissing and foreplay to ensure both partners are fully aroused before penetration- not with one just getting into a position to be used to satisfy the other.

Do you ever actually want to have sex with this man? As in, omg I love you so much I need to tear of your clothes and have you inside me right now? Or is it always just something you do to service him?

Many abusers hit and hurt in a "non sinister", "playful" way.
It's their way of getting away with it. It's similar to the groping they do "playfully", even when we don't like it.
Also similar to hurtful comments in a "jokey manner".

I really don't think that slap was innocent, but part of whole abusive setting.

I am only mentioning this, not to make you feel worse, but to point out that the physical abuse is already there. Mostly bubbling under the surface, but it's there, and for me it means that there is a risk that it will escalate if you keep defying him or if you decide to leave.