Oh smeagol I've just read through your whole thread 
4 years ago I ended an abusive, controlling relationship, I was only with him 18 months so it was very different to your situation, but the tools he used were similar and there's a couple of things I felt I could add.. The narcissism is typical, as is the underlying low self esteem, talking themselves up big (you're lucky to have me, I'm not like other men..) they tell you they need you to keep you, my ex threatened (and did) harm himself if I left during arguments, it was far more effective than shouting, and i was completely under his control until I was able to see that his feelings were his responsibility, not mine. He had a very complex past that he tried to blame and use. He also pressured me into sex when I didn't want it, and denied me it when I did- as he liked to keep control.
I expect that as things escalate as you stand up for yourself again after him being used to manipulating you in a very set manner, that he may well go to the blame/hurting his feelings route rather than shout/screaming/throwing things and onwards, my ex did that only if trying to use my own guilt, that he manufactured to destroy me, didn't work..
No one around me knew anything of the manipulative side of him, just the besotted, dedicated man that stood beside me through everything. It was a big shock to them that I "suddenly" left him (I'd been at my parents for 3 weeks incredibly ill and he'd not been to see me once as I couldn't meet his needs, sexual or emotional as I was so poorly) having spent the previous couple of months thinking it all through and realising things weren't right.
My mum found me this very useful video that explains a bit about abusers. I still find it very hard to admit to myself that I "let" myself be controlled, I still live with shame and disgust at myself for falling for his lies and giving up my rights and parts of myself... It took me a long while to accept that it was in fact abusive- he never hit me!- and I got so caught up in "I would never let that happen/it doesn't happen to strong, confident people like me"... My husband can't see how it happened as I'm feisty and stubborn but I know that if he was the type, he could control me too, they know how to get past all the defences, they learn how to batter you down until you're a shell to do their bidding. There is no shame, it is not your fault.
It can, and does, happen to anyone. It becomes normality and of course there are good bits too, the bits you look at when you feel hurt by them and justify their behaviour with... You've survived, with enough of yourself intact, look forward to the future, think about what you want for yourself, get your hair cut and something pierced! You can rebuild yourself without leaving until you're ready, you'll be getting stronger again each day you think about how YOU want your life to be.