What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Day by day is good. It doesn't matter what he thinks. You are an adult with the absolute right to self determination and the sole owner of your body.

And the letter idea that someone mentioned is a no. It won't do anything to help you safely disengage from the relationship.

So, last night he was in a bad mood, wanted sex, and you went along with it so as not to antagonise him further?

In the light of your thoughts this week, how did that feel? Same as usual, or worse?

Nobody should underestimate the power of a sulk or a bad mood. Unless you're really cold, or have stopped having any feelings for that person, it affects you. Particularly when you live with them.

I think day by day is a good plan, but in relation to him, can it be long lasting?
I'm afraid for you that he will make it very difficult for you to say no.

Can you start working on a leaving plan, or at least have a get away plan, should you need to?

dowhat yes it may be that it's unknown territory. Being the mother of a toddler there have been times where dd has 'pushed his buttons' and I haven't approved of the way he talks to her and tells her off so for her sake I've had to speak up against him when he's already angry. This doesn't happen in other areas of our relationship and I don't like the way he responds in these circumstances. A lot more shouting and anger than usual.

clam it was a little worse because I felt like I knew it wasn't normal but I was letting it happen anyway.

lweji yes I think he'll make it difficult too. I'm only just becoming more resolute in the fact I want to leave so it'd be a long term plan.

Your toddler DD 'pushes his buttons'! That is what kids do.

He is an adult. He should be able to control himself and his actions. Especially towards a vulnerable child.

I am sorry I hit you but you pushed my buttons is classic dismissal and refusal to accept responsibility for being abusive.

Your DD is being trained that if she pushes a man's buttons she will be responsible for making him angry and vile to her!

Yes, look at how he treats the most vulnerable (your DD), and those who work for him (BTW, how does he treat waitresses?) or he feels superior to.

He hasn't hit her! Ever. He gets massively frustrated when she wakes up early and makes noise and that's when he loses his temper and that's when I'm forced to stand up to him because I don't think she should be shouted at for being a toddler. She's just awake ffs, not misbehaving. That's when in anger terms he's at his worst because I'm not going along with him and I'm telling him he's wrong.

At work he has to tell people off and I think he enjoys it. He also loves teaching people at work, imparting his wisdom. He's not a teacher btw.

Sorry I realise was your post was hypothetical. margola

Of course, her waking early also narrows the window of opportunity for him to have sex on you.

God, my 4.5yr old daughter has always been an early riser. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times she has slept in until after 7am, and she is nearly 5! I am not a morning person, never have been, but either I or my husband will always get up with her when she wants to get up (providing it's at least 6:30, as that's when the sun comes up on her Groclock, we have tried to instill some level of decency ) because that's what we have to do. I may grumble about it to myself as I pour myself a bucket of coffee, but that's part and parcel of being a parent. Not your daughter's fault, bless her.

I'm starting to wonder if there is an element of narcissism about his personality, especially with what you have said just now about him liking to tell people off and 'imparting his wisdom'. Does he like to feel superior to others? I wonder how many of these traits he would tick off?

www.bpdcentral.com/narcissistic-disorder/hallmarks-of-npd/

Shouting at children, particularly if they are just, you know, living (waking up) can be worse than hitting them.
Your DD will be confused about what she did wrong.

My own mother reports that the worst she remembers from her mother are not the beatings (which she says must have occurred), but the emotional abuse.

My ds mostly sleeps in the middle of us. That might drive your dp insane if your dd slept in between you two. When I went to get thw implant the nurse asked me how I avoided getting pregnant. I didn't tell her my secret sometimes people get judgmental.

Are you worried he won't bother with DD if you leave? Is that making you reluctant to leave him in a way too?

Kids wake up early, it happens. Unless she's screaming her head off he has no reason to be angry. I agree with clam it makes it harder for you to be available for sex for him.

So sad.

He's huat an all out manipulator who loves a power trip.

I feel like I have lost control of my life. I am trying to sort my self out. Is there anything you want to do like going to night school or do a course at home. Have you thought about taling up a sport. If you decide to leave the relationship then you can reinvent your self. Not everyone knows how to parent why not buy parenting books and put that in front of him. He might learn something.

Oh sweetheart this is a really difficult time for you. I remember starting a thread about my exh a few years ago and everyone was telling me he was abusive and I should leave him. I wasn't expecting that.

I felt like I'd just woken up in the lion's den. It felt like my life was worse because I'd had my eyes opened to how bad it was, but I was still so locked into not doing anything to upset him that I felt paralysed. Those few months until I left were the hardest and I wish I'd been able to leave sooner. But I didn't feel I could.

I did leave a few months later and it was the best thing I ever did. I felt like I could breathe again and I didn't need to rely on coping mechanisms so much because I wasn't walking on eggshells every day.

Get as much support as you can. (I called womens aid a few times before i left and they were brilliant.)
What helped me was to see his behaviour for what it is: read the Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that". The Freedom Programme book (course if you can manage). The chapter on the sexual controller will sound familiar when you feel ready to read it.

This didn't happen to you all at once. He's not a monster and he isn't all bad. But you were very young and he's gradually ramped this up and used everything he knows about you to keep you controlled.

You can do this. You don't have to do it today. Keep yourself safe and make plans

It's hard to say if he has narcissistic traits because to me he is just Dp. He does seem to think he is the best person ever at his job and comes home ranting about everyone else there but that's just him. Also he is the favoured child out of a few siblings so that would inflate anyone's ego from childhood. But I know he is also insecure. He'd never portray that to anyone else though.

I'm not worrying about him not bothering with dd. I think he'd always make an effort to see her. I'm not afraid in the slightest of being a single parent. I'm close with my family and would get support there.

I do not want him to psychologically damage dd. He's not always shouting at her and she is a cheeky handful! He thinks she walks all over me and gets away with anything under my care. He thinks I've been too soft on her and not disciplined her enough but I just see her as a typical, if slightly wild toddler.

Not trying to upset you. Just pointing out how his behaviour comes across.

It is very scary for you to have all this thrown at you and you are very brave to still be posting and taking all the shocking stuff we are throwing at you.

It is not you it is him.

We are all shocked and want better for you and your DD

If he thinks he is thr best at his job isn't a bad thing to say. Someone has to praise him and who else but him self. Parenting books can give you and him some ideas. My partner thought I was weak at controlling the children. I done things differently to him and vice versa.

Your dd will groe up and you will be left with him. Can you see your self spending the rest of your life with him.

It's hard to say if he has narcissistic traits because to me he is just DP.

I cannot emphasis this strongly enough: trying to find a label for behaviour is not constructive and it is not a job for a lay person who is not an appropriately qualified professional.

Someone treated me badly; this does not change who they are to me. What changes is how I relate to them, which is the thing that I can control. If the personality traits that your DP exhibits need explaining or diagnosis, this will happen, and the appropriate professionals will be involved in this process.

It's so understandable that you're disorientated. Imagine that you're standing next to the sun with a blindfold on. When you take the blindfold off and try to see, it hurts. You want to put it back on again. You're disorientated and feel sick and don't know where you are. Its scary.

But your eyes adjust slowly, and you start to become familiar with where you are.

I know it's pointing out the stonkingly obvious, but your whole being- mind, body and soul- needs time to adjust. You have spent years thinking something is normal, and now the blindfold is off. There is no going back, and I'm sorry that this realisation was so unexpected.

Re the alcohol- wow! How good are you?!! You're doing so well, you should be damned proud of yourself

Is it worth talking to a close family member or friend? You say you are close to your family. I think you could do with some RL support.

Did you manage to ring Womens Aid?

know it's pointing out the stonkingly obvious, but your whole being- mind, body and soul- needs time to adjust. You have spent years thinking something is normal, and now the blindfold is off. There is no going back, and I'm sorry that this realisation was so unexpected.

^^ this. It really fucking hurts. So badly. Ow ow ow.

I agree: RL support, or Women's Aid.

I called women's aid but it went to an answer machine that's full

foxache yes! So well put and now I hate not being able to unsee especially as he's being decent tonight. Now I'm reading into everything and obviously acting furtively as he's asked me about what I'm looking at online. I'm only posting on my phone and getting a bit paranaoid.

I've stupidly isolated most of my old friends as they got bored with being put second in my plans and I don't make new friends more than superficial work type friends. Family, as close as I am to them won't understand as they've known this 'devoted, loving man' for 15yrsband I've never said one bad word against him.

Oh and booze wise I've already failed once since trying to go sober and everything inside me tonight wants to drink again. So not so good but I'm determined to get there.

Why is it no surprise that he's isolated you from your friends. Such classic abuser behaviour, it's untrue.

No alcohol. No alcohol. Stay strong. You can do it.