What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Strongly recommend women's aid and the freedom programme too. It gives amazing support for abuse. I agree that deeper counselling might not be best yet, only because you need to have established some level of safety in daily life first, to benefit. But that's not to say stay until the alcohol issue is resolved - no way, because that might never happen if you prioritise it over getting away from the abuse.

In the freedom programme they talk about how often women do drink more when still with the abuser and how many really think they have a problem - yet, surprisingly often, it dissolves by itself once away from the abuse. In fact judging themselves for drinking (and not seeing the connection with abuse) is one more thing affecting self esteem day to day.

Glad absolutely - continuing with Womens Aid & AA ( apologies if I missed out Womens Aid they are an excellent resource).

Votey - nowhere have I said that achieving total abstinence is more important than escaping the relationship ( if that is what smea wants).

Lynda I have not said smea needs to be teetotal before leaving the relationship

Lynda mental health help is very different from undergoing therapy .

Lots of our ladies receive mental health help and can receive it any time you are right.

*But to be clear it may not be in smea 's best interests to start therapy while she is still trying to achieve abstinence - therapy can be very de- stabilising & smea needs to be sure she feels strong enough to undergo this.

Many women do not start therapy for abuse trauma until months sometimes years after they have left .*

And to the person who stated I victim blame please have a .

You have absolutely no idea. I devote my working life to people who have mental health difficulties ( including excessive alcohol ) through having been in abusive relationships. I am qualified to deliver not only mental health care but psychological therapy to people like smea.

Which is why I was concerned that she access therapy at the right time. There have been many calls for her to access counselling which would not be in her best interest either as counsellors are only trained to listen - this can leave many survivors feeling raw . Therapy would be a much preferred option as it would support smea to recover from her experiences .

Smea do enquirer through women's aid as to whether you have a local trauma centre near to you that you can be referred to.

Finally smea do hope you are ok

I completely see where nomud is coming from. I was advised strongly against therapy for some time by health workers after a suicide attempt and a drug/ drink problem.

Therapy can be very very traumatic and is a long hard road to go down. You need to be as stable as you can be in the offset. When I finally began therapy I realised that it would have sent me straight in to another suicide attempt had I tried it before I was ready. Some BIG wounds and feelings get opened.

When I finally began therapy I realised that it would have sent me straight in to another suicide attempt.

It did not send me straight back, but yy to the opening up stuff. Hence my comment about an experiment professional. Mine wasn't. It did not end...erm...therapeutically? No harm was done but it was...dramatic...

I have a more experienced therapist now, and am better connected to the right people. I am in the middle of the process, hence the 2am posting situation.

Sorry I misunderstood you NoMud. And yes I agree that proper on- depth therapy can be very traumatic.

Thanks for the ongoing advice. I feel wrung out today. The first week of sobriety, I was full of positivity and felt I could take on the world. Now I feel like the last umpteen years of my life and relationship haven't been what I thought they were and I'm exhausted with thinking about it. Feeling disgusted, disgusting, stupid and picking it over in my head and endlessly having to think and assess and evaluate. I just feel like shit today. So given this and what you said lotus from a professional point of view maybe I'm not ready for therapy. Drink would quieten the evaluating and the nagging doubts that things aren't quite right. I miss that. I'm not saying I regret this thread and everyone's advice and support has been overwhelming. I'm just not sure where to go from here. It's very sad to come to terms with the fact I don't think I love my partner anymore (I was thinking this before the hospital and period incident anyway) and I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. I just want me and dd to live together. No man, not this one and not another one.

Yesterday I came across a couple of books from the Freedom Programme in a charity book shop whilst looking in the self help bit. I've bought them and stashed them under my bed. When the times right I'll have a look at them.

You take care of yourself Smeagol

Oh smeagol I really feel for you, this must be a hellishly difficult situation for you to be in, your whole world has been shaken up and you've had a masdive life changing conclusion from what started as a (kindof) lighthearted rant thread for you.

Try not to beat yourself up (and I know that's anything but easy) too much. You sound like a great person who loves her daughter very much and has more strength and resillience than I think you know.

I am not experienced in this area at all but maybe speaking to women's aid again and seeing if they can help you work out an exit strategy will help you to have something positive to focus on and a plan to distract yourself from the temptation to lapse into the comfort to drink again?

I don't know you but (and I hope this doesn't sound weird or condescending) I am so proud of you and having read this whole thread through am really rooting for you. You are awesome and you can do this!

You absolutely are not stupid OR disgusting, Smeagol, and please don't think you are. This man found you when you were young and inexperienced and effectively groomed you to think the way he behaves is normal. On the evidence of this thread, frankly you are a brilliant person who deserves a happy life free from him..

It does look as if your next step should be contacting Women's Aid so that you can fully think through your options.

Thinking of you too Smeagol. it's a lot to get your head around on such a short time.have followed this thread since the start and am really impressed with your insightfulness

This realisation you've come to will make it more difficult to live with him.
What do you think will happen if you tell him you want to split up?

Bless you op. It's going to take time to come to terms with what you've found out. The most important message that you've got to take on board from this thread is that
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You must not feel disgusting etc. You are a victim here. Please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for being taken in by such an expert master manipulator. You were 16, just a kid. You was a child and you were taught this was how relationships work. How could you have known any different? You wouldn't know what went on in your parents relationship just as you can't know about other peoples behind closed doors so you had nothing to go on except what he expected from you - a naive impressionable 16 year old. You have to feel sorry for yourself, not be hard on yourself.
Time will make the decision easier for you. I know you crave drink to take the feelings away. Please stay strong and recognise the cycle for what it was. Drink helped you cope with your life but he drove you to it in the first place. Use AA and the freedom programme. Concentrate on ignoring the drink.

How did last night go? Don't feel bad if you caved into the sex pressure. You've been conditioned for so long that you may not feel strong enough to say no. Resolve to solve the problem by getting out of the relationship as soon as you feel strong enough. In the meantime you have to allow yourself to do whatever you need to do to make your life as easy as possible. Take the pressure off yourself. Know that you will get out when you feel strong enough. Use women's aid for support and us if it helps.

Oh Smeagol

I'm so sorry to read your updates- I've lurked up until now but I'm afraid I have to post.

I really feel for you. None of this is your fault and, somehow, you need to come to terms with not blaming yourself. Like others, I'm not surprised you turned to alcohol- it can have a marvellous (and dangerous) numbing affect.

Without wanting to boss you around or anything like that, I think you should think about asking for this to be moved to relationships. If it stays in AIBU then subconsciously it could make you question whether you are justified in feeling the way you do and compromise how far you've come - and it is so, so clear that yanbu

I really don't know what would happen if I told him I'm leaving. He says I'm his absolute world and I think he wouldn't accept it. He'd agree to change I imagine but I don't think he's capable of change for long. I've never brought up the subject of splitting up and not has he.

I will call woman's aid again today.

Last night didn't go to plan. He was pissed off about something else and I didn't want to exacerbate that.

I'll ask for it to go into the relationships section.

Last night didn't go to plan."

Do you think you can keep it up if he keeps being in a foul mood (i.e. pushing you for sex)?

How do you think your dry plans will work out?

Hi there FindingSmeagol. We'll move this over to Relationships for you now.

I don't know if it would help but could you get all your thoughts and feelings down in a letter and give it to your husband? Sometimes it is easier to make sure you cover all of your thoughts in a letter so you don't miss anything and maybe it would give you both a starting point to seeing if you can work anything out. (If you want to even try that is)

He would have to accept it though wouldn't he. This is where Women's Aid can give you the practical and emotional support in dealing with the fallout from leaving him.
You've admitted you don't love him, know that you would like to leave him but now you are frightened of the repercussions from him and the reality of being on your own. Perfectly normal reactions and worries. It's a very scary thought to be on your own after having someone in your life controlling everything you do. But you have shown on this thread how very strong you are. I know you can do it. Maybe not right now but you can do it. I just hope you don't succumb to the drink. Yes ring Women's Aid today.

As far as my dry plans go I'm taking the advice to keep it day by day rather than looking at the terrifying prospect of never drinking again. So in that sense, I'm confident I will not drink today and tomorrow I hope I'm confident that I will not drink then and so on.

He is never ever physically abusive and never calls me names so I don't know why I react so sensitively to his moods but I just don't want them to last or be exacerbated. I would like to think, a bit like the drinking plan that today I won't have sex I don't really want and take it from there. Day by day.

Good for you. I think although he has never been physically abusive, the reason you are so sensitive to not exacerbating anything is you are wary of what he is capable of. You've never tried to deny him. You are not sure of his reactions. Of course you are going to be sensitive to his moods. It's an unknown area. Protect yourself. Don't worry if you give in there. Don't beat yourself up. Concentrate more on not drinking. That's more important at the moment.