Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

909 replies

FindingSmeagol · 21/08/2016 15:12

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it Hmm. I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 25/08/2016 10:38

jaquetta no he has bought sex or cheated on me. His previous partners were about his age.

madinche he was at the birth. He was decent and respectful with all things birth related. He was also supportive about my choice to breastfeed but did make disrespectful remarks about dd just borrowing my breasts from him and that he'd get them back soon Hmm. He said this as 'banter' in front of other people and it was embaressing.

mrsTerry I fully agree with those
Principles.

bomfunk your post is amazing . That's just what it's like

5cats I'm so, so sorry you had to
endure that. What an awful thing to go through. You didn't upset me any more than I am today. More pertinatly I'm sorry that this thread must be very triggering for you and others.

Not for one moms am I defending my partner but on the withholding my orgasmns it's not always and he says he does like to see me enjoy it but if he wants it more in that day he knows I'll be more resistant if I've already come.

I'm going to look into counselling if only to give me clarity. Thank you all for the help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2016 10:39

Yes, please seek (individual) counselling and tell them everything you have said here.

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 25/08/2016 10:39

Not for one moment

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2016 10:39

and don't tell him that is what you are doing

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 25/08/2016 10:43

I won't, he doesn't think much of therapy anyway. I've
Suggested various therapy over the years couples, bereavement etc. He thinks problems can be sorted out without it. I've never had any therapy either. The closest I've come to that is very resentful joining AA.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 25/08/2016 10:44

It sounds to me with the orgasm thing that he knows full well you often aren't interested in having sex with him so he's trying to control what he can. I'm sorry, it comes across as deliberate coercion.

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 25/08/2016 10:44

Very resently, not resentfully!!!

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 25/08/2016 10:49

Clearly his problems can be sorted out without it. He just has to be a controlling arsehole to get you to do what he wants and it's all fine for him. Not yours though.

dowhatnow · 25/08/2016 10:56

I forgot to say that no wonder you've turned to alcohol.

if he wants it more in that day he knows I'll be more resistant if I've already come. - Sometimes more than once a day you have to go through this? Oh op.

5cats · 25/08/2016 11:22

Oh Smeagol please do what other posters have said and get counselling for yourself.

As for him sometimes allowing you to orgasm, well thats awfy big of him isn't it! HE likes to SEE you enjoy it if HE LETS YOU. Again its about him and his needs not yours. HE gives you that little bit of pleasure then removes it again for HIS pleasure. All about him over and over again. He's conditioning you darling, and has been for years Sad

coconutpie · 25/08/2016 11:31

This thread is just dreadfully sad. It gets worse with each bit of info Sad Go to counselling by yourself - do not suggest couples counselling. Couples counselling is not appropriate when there is abuse going on because it gives the abuser the platform to further abuse their victim but in another setting.

Tell him no today and see his reaction.

5 - that is just horrific. I'm glad you're away from that monster now Flowers

erinaceus · 25/08/2016 12:00

nthing the suggestion of counselling.

If cost is an issue, there are ways and means for people in your sitiuation. If I were you, I would show this thread to a professional, because if you work with a counsellor or therapist who is not appropriately experienced in this area, it can make the practical steps more difficult instead of easier.

If he suggests that you do not go to counselling for yourself, I suggest that you make your own decision on this. FWIW, I have a therapist, I trust that my DH has one, although I have never been in contact with his therapist, and no couples therapist would work with us as a couple until such a time as we are able to agree to go together. The therapists whom I know who work with both couples and individuals do not work with both the individual and the couple.

NotYoda · 25/08/2016 12:08

Smeagol

I wanted to say, that no matter how it's transmitted to us, insights into our lives that are disturbing or unwelcome are bound to provoke a defensive reaction and profound discombobulation. I experienced this in psychotherapy

As bomfunk says, this is a process, and i wanted to say that you owe nothing to us,, nor to you owe it to us to keep posting if you need time.
We are all on your side.

venusinscorpio · 25/08/2016 13:23

Just want to agree with pp in saying definitely don't go for couples counselling. You need to process these feelings without his input.

robindeer · 25/08/2016 13:25

Smeagol I couldn't read all of this without posting. You have been brutally honest and you are already far braver than you realise.

I just wanted you to know that there is a whole world of support waiting for you and your daughter whenever you're ready to ask for it. Until then, this community is here to listen to you and I know I'm not the only one sending you strength and love.

Flowers
mineallmine · 25/08/2016 15:18

I also want to post just to say you're amazing, OP. At the start of your thread, I thought maybe, just maybe, if you were able to make him see that what he is doing is so horrible that your relationship might be salvageable but the more you've written, the more awful it sounds.
You seem so insightful and I wish you strength for the road ahead. Stay sober please, otherwise it will be too easy to stay where you are and ignore the awfulness of your situation.

As I say to my daughter every day, you're brave and you're strong and you can do this. (((Hugs)))

FancyFlaps · 25/08/2016 18:17

Op, this is one of the saddest thread I've read. I've got no advice to add, but couldn't read and not comment.

SENPARENT · 25/08/2016 21:06

Smeagol

Talk to Womens Aid again. My friend had loads of support from them including counselling. She had been subjected to so much abuse and misery over the years she had no confidence at all and was a complete emotional wreck. It took a long time, but with the help of WA she has come through it all and is a really strong and happy person now. She says leaving her husband was the best thing she ever did. Take care Smeagol. Stay strong.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 25/08/2016 21:10

This thread is horribly sad and only sadder with each new revelation but I've never been more sure that a poster on here will eventually leave. It may not be tomorrow or next week or even next month, but OP clearly has her head screwed on, real courage is strong. She won't put up with much more of this. I can see the scales falling from her eyes. She has a bright and happy future ahead, I just know it.

Wishing you all the luck and strength in the world, OP.

VoteyMcVoteFace · 25/08/2016 22:05

How are you tonight OP? Thinking of you.

NoMudNoLotus · 25/08/2016 22:43

Smea I'm a mental health nurse who works exclusively with women & alcohol issues, abuse etc.

Please by all means consider therapy as a long term solution but this would not be safe or appropriate for you at the moment .

Your priorities are to continue with AA to achieve total abstinence.

Therapy can be extremely difficult & painful process. There would be a risk that starting therapy before you are abstinent , & before you have resolved in your head with the support of womens aid what you want to do re the relationship - that your drinking could increase, that your physical & mental health could be harmed, & that you could make yourself vulnerable to his abuse while intoxicated.

So for your psychological safety please take baby steps - this has been a long term issue , so it is going to take a while to resolve - please don't pressure yourself or allow others to pressurise you into taking steps too soon. Flowers. Counselling yes - but not yet X

glad2016 · 25/08/2016 22:43

Smeagol
Just want to offer a hug xxx
I am in awe of your strength and am sure you will soon get your life back, 'so it will be yours, not his, very very soon

glad2016 · 25/08/2016 22:48

nomud wouldn't smeagol getting to woman's aid and taking back control of her life be a prime priority, even more than the alcohol stuff? After all the alcohol is likely to be self medicating as a result of the abuse ....

VoteyMcVoteFace · 25/08/2016 22:55

No Mud genuinely interested in why achieving total abstinence is more important than escaping daily coercive, abusive sex? I drink. I probably drink too much. If my husband was doing this sort of thing to me, would you advise I continue to submit to it until I'm sober? You say that OP risks making herself vulnerable to his abuse while intoxicated - how much more vulnerable could she be?? I genuinely don't mean to take issue with you, I am sure you know what you're talking about, but would honestly like to understand why OP's priority shouldn't be to get the fuck out of there as soon as she feels she can?

LyndaNotLinda · 25/08/2016 23:15

NoMud - some of that reads really victim blaming to me. The OP (or actually any victim of abuse) doesn't need to be sober before leaving an abusive relationship. Her drinking isn't part of the problem - it's her solution to it. Not a great one, admittedly, but it's a way out.

But she can seek mental health help at any time. She doesn't need to be teetotal to do so. That is not a prerequisite for therapy.