What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Read most of this thread. He reminds me a teeny bit of my first real boyfriend. I was young too but we split thank god or I might have been in your situation now. I'm so hoping you continue to find the strength to get away from this man for yourself and your daughter 💐🍫

FindingSmeagol

What can MN do for you at the moment?

I would like to hit him.

Oh my God you poor thing.

Another one here who is extremely angry at the utter, monumental selfishness of a man who would deprive his wife of a climax just so that she can be available to him next time he wants to have her. How bloody dare he? It really puts you at the status of a sex doll, not a person with feelings. And I suspect he very deliberately targeted you at the age of 16 because he hoped you were inexperienced and naive enough not to walk out on him for that alone - in fact the reason he got so upset that you had previous sexual experience was probably because he was worried that you might already know that you were entitled to a climax. The man is a total cunt.

OP, have you read the thread about the DH not respecting his 12 year old DD's boundaries and refusing to knock before he enters her bedroom? The DD is very, very upset. This will be your DD and DH if things carry on as they are.

We're here with you smeagol.

Nobody has any expectations of you... Emotions get so heightened on here because the "sisterhood" don't want for any other to be hurt or exploited.

Happened I don't think that is helpful or relevant to smea right now.

There is a decade before smea needs to anticipate that situation - & I really don't think pressure is going to help her at all.

Smea has already demonstrated that she is devoted mother so I don't think bringing in any potential consequences for her DD is warranted.

Fair enough. My apologies OP.

I'm sorry. I didn't flounce off with my fingers in my ears last night. I found people's last posts near on impossible to read and just couldn't take anymore on board.

I've been reading through this morning. Things seem more manageable in the daytime. I feel utterly miserable about the whole situation.

It's not easy to have people make you think your entire adult life has had abuse at its core. I've made an effort not to excuse him throughout this thread as I originally posted in anger. I think most people who have been helping me on here appreciate that of course he has lots of redeeming features otherwise I wouldn't have been in this relationship for so long.

Please can people stop calling me a 'fuck puppet' and 'sex doll'. I feel broken this morning.

I'll do my best to answer the questions people asked last night that I didn't reply to.

Only answer what you feel up to answering but please make plans to leave. This is all kinds of wrong and if you don't value yourself I'm sure you value your DD. Take care.

Bless you. The rug has been pulled out from under your whole world. I'm just so full of admiration about how you've been coping.

Of course it's hard and of course he's not horrible 100% of the time. If it was obvious he was treating you so badly you would have been out of there long ago. He has become an expert at treading that fine line of keeping you in your place without alienating you too much that you would leave him. This is your normal. You have nothing to compare it with, as his external persona is exactly the same as you see in other people's external persona/relationships. You had no way of knowing that what goes on in their relationships behind closed doors was in any way different to what goes on in yours.

Your last posts have provoked such a strong reaction from people because it has gone from bad to worse. People recognised it for what it is before, but with the new sex revelations, it is even more obvious that he has no respect for you, your feelings or your needs. At 16 he knowingly, or even just fell into a pattern, of being able to manipulate you. He thought you were pure and that has been a theme ever since. There is something so inherently screwed up about not accepting a life before him, that I'm struggling to find the words to explain. It does seem as if he views you as his perfect, pure property for him to do with as he likes.
Oh, dear op, please please get some counselling to help you unravel your conflicting emotions. Please don't blame your self in any way. Your frame of reference is so off balance, due to him warping your sense of reality. Rome wasn't built in a day but please let today be the day that you resolve to change your life for the better. You just have to.

OP, just for clarity I absolutely was not calling you a sex doll. My whole point is that you are 100% not that, but that this man is treating you that way. I'm still gobsmacked that a man could possibly think he has a right to dictate that his partner mustn't climax just because he believes that will make her more willing to have sex at his beck and call.

I'm really sorry, this whole thing must have shaken you up in a big way. Can you see your GP about being referred for counselling?

Oh Smeagol I have found this so heart-wrenching to read. It must be so difficult to see the scales fall and to see him for what he really is. The fact that he actively PREVENTS you from experiencing pleasure during sex rather than simply doesn't care is all kinds of fucked up. Imagine it was your daughter confiding in you, what would you say to her? You seem to be a wonderful and caring Mum, I think you know what you'd say.
Also please remember that none of it is your fault - abusers push the boundaries over months, years even and are often very charming - that's how they get away with crossing the line. Also you can be intelligent, independent, strong and feminist and be abused, they are not mutually exclusive.
Best of luck Smeagol, I really hope you find the strength to leave in time. Please don't let your daughter use this as a model for her future relationships. My shock and anger is real, this is far from what a loving and respectful relationship looks like.

Denying you orgasm so you are readily available next time he wants sex is wrong on so many levels..I think thats been the saddest post I have actually seen on this thread.

I agree though about the harsh language used to describe you. I do not think posters mean anything by it but its easy to get carried away when we are all sat infront of a screen sending messages to strangers.

It must be very very hard to read smeagal, particularly because the information people are reacting to is the black and white truth of one aspect of your relationship, whereas you have the rounded picture of all the times when he was/is wonderful, all the good memories etc.

I posted a similar thread on mumsnet and got the same kinds of responses. I was angry and wanted validation when I wrote it, but by the end of reading the responses I felt quite defensive. It did sink in slowly though, and I felt much more bolstered to challenge him. I limped on for about another five years after that original thread, and actually, at some point he actually did stop the pestering/sulking (I suspect because I stopped giving a fuck about his feelings), but by then the damage was done. And I really did/do feel very damaged, and LTB. I also regret not leaving sooner. And one of the most hurtful things is that when I did leave, and cited the abuse, he couldn't accept it at all. Why didn't I challenge him more? Why didn't I make him understand and just put a stop to it? Like I hadn't tried! And then later, re-writing history - in his mind, he did no wrong. In the end, the dysfunction ran too deep and the scales fell completely from my eyes, so that even the good times were just not enough to balance this one thing, this one small thing that became bigger and bigger until all I felt when I looked at him was disgust.

Like you, I had other things going on in my life that stopped me from fully facing the abuse and seeing and treating for what it was. Some were outside factors, but some were internal - I didn't feel very strong, had some MH issues. It's only now I can see though that those things would have been far lessened if I hadn't been putting up with his predatory crap the entire time: i had a bad year of bereavements, and although it seemed like I had all the support - there were times I didn't seek his comfort when I needed it because it would end in subtle pestering for sex.

There are so many examples like this, where basically my entire life was permeated by this constant bloody pressure. He had me believing there was something wrong with ME - I'd be googling sex therapists etc. And when I 'made the effort' it was never enough times per week, never varied enough and on and on. If only he'd taken his bloody foot off the accelerator!!!

Please don't put up with it. It's not right, and you deserve better.

OP (not read the whole thread yet on P.12) I jut wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said he is an awful man.

You come cross as a strong women, a strong women in denial that this could ever happen to her.

Some men pray on the vulnerable women, those with difficult up bringings a and mental health issues. BUT some men choose to pray on STRONG well rounded women who they get a kick out of slowly grinding down and pushing their boundaries. I fear you are one of these (I was too). Honestly life will be so much easier without this twat.

You deserve so much better than this. You are young with a young dd. get out and build a new life for you both, on your terms. It won't be easy, but putting up with this shit for another 20 years will be much worse.
He's disgusting.

I don't have much more to add to the previous posters other than to add my support. Stay strong and take your time letting this all sink in. Have you considered asking your GP for a referral for some counselling?

I would also suggest The Freedom Program.

Just been reading this whole thread Smeagol and and my heart goes out to you. I could have written your post word for word 20 odd years ago. My ex was exactly like your DP is but i couldn't see it at the time. The only difference with me ( and i sincerely hope this never happens to you or anyone else) is that my relationship ended with him violently raping me.

I didn't know the coersion, the constant demands, the sulks constituted as abuse. Even a cuddle to him meant sex. I wasn't allowed to orgasm either only him. Even when Pregnant with my twins feeling utterly sick, sore and utterly unatractive he had to have sex or a blow job as to him it meant i loved him

The defining moment for me realising i had to get out and away from the marriage was when one of my twins was stillborn and on the night after her funeral ( two weeks after giving birth ) he raped me saying that as i had had a cesarian i " would be nice and tight not like after my dc1 was born where i was loose for ages ".

Took me a few months after that to finally leave and oh the freedom and space was brilliant! Not only did i not have to walk on eggshells all the time, my kids were so much more relaxed cos i was, and i now had full control over my own body and no more dreading bedtime, or someone coming home and making me feel degraded by wanting sex all the time.

Now i'm not saying your situation will turn out like mine did if you stay, but if i'd known then that the comments, the coersion and the making me feel as if i was the bad one for not giving him what he wanted sex wise was rape and not just the forcing himself on me latterly i would have left him long before then, but i was worn down and made to believe by him that i was in the wrong for refusing him.

Please please please do not stay with this man. Listen to the advice the others have given on here and to womens aid, and make the break, get councelling, anything. Your DP is a vile excuse for a man. You deserve much much more out of life

5 what a disgusting man.

I hope his children never see him as I'd hate for any of his vile opinions to filter through.

What an amazing woman you were for leaving.

You too are an amazing woman Finding. I am sorry if anything I said upset you - I just really don't want you to have to put up with this.

I have just read this entire thread and up til around p22 was thinking his behaviour (appalling behaviour) towards you may well be the product of the two of you being so young when you met and maybe, not excusing him, but maybe he doesn't realise how bad it is. I was thinking perhaps if you love him, counselling together would be worth trying.

But you revealing that he was years older than your 16 when you met, flipped coz you had at one stage given someone a blow job and controls your orgasms in an attempt to ensure more orgasms for himself has left me stunned.

This dawning realisation of the reality of your situation must be extremely difficult for you. Please continue to talk to woman's aid and if at all possible, confide in a friend or family member.

You are still so so young and have so much of your potentially wonderful life ahead of you, please don't doubt yourself anymore. Be strong for yourself and your daughter and start the process of leaving him in order to get the happy, independent and FREE life you deserve.

I have been at your story smea and I am just in awe at the strength that you are demonstrating here.

SARCASM Thankyou for saying that. No my boys don't see him now, or at least very rarely and funnily enough he only contacts them if he wants something! Luckily my boys were so young when i left him that they were brought up by me to respect not only women but people in all walks of life and are praised for being polite friendly happy to help young men ( sounds like i'm boasting but they are the total opposite to their father i'm proud to boast a little bit ).

Smeagol i hope my post hasn't upset you but i had to say what i said for you to understand you are not alone and myself and other posters who have been through or are going through similar, are here for you and that there is light at the end of the tunnel when things become straight in your head

I'm in tears reading these latest updates op. I think sometimes mn can be guilty of winding each other up in to a mob mentality and go ott on the 'leave him he's a bastard' front but I have to agree that it doesn't sound as if you should stay with your dp.

But do what's right for you and if that means taking a little time to remove yourself in a way that you can continue to not drink then do that. There doesn't have to be big fireworks this evening, you do what you consider the best for you and your dc.

Don't feel embarrassed about not realising what was happening, please go and seek further counciling too, you're going to need support.