What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Does it? I'm not a stereotype. We've only just had a child in my late twenties, didn't get married and went to uni and got a good job. I haven't succumbed to an 'older man' and lived in his shadow. What does it explain other than we are probably a bit naive when it comes to relationships.

Sorry that sounded confrontational and defensive it wasn't meant to be.

I consider men who go after children of 16 to be dodgy.

He is still dodgy.

I think four years is nothing if you meet as independent adults but if you were only sixteen when you met and he was in his 20s and earning and more experienced, it kind of would have set the tone.

When I was 20 I had a bf who was 25 and although he was basically a kind guy he often used to explain things to me, impart his wisdom, etc... I tolerated it until I was about 23 then I started challenging him, then it all fell apart of course.

yes. I agree. Plenty of young women his own age but a 16 year older is more malleable and controllable.

Can you sort out some proper long term counselling for yourself? I think it might really help and it should help you to get all your thoughts and feelings straight as well as helping with your confidence and self esteem.

findingSmeagol I think you are extremely good at reading people's posts and digesting what they say.

if you ever have psychotherapy (i did after leaving my x) you will be extremely receptive to growinng and learning and you will be one of the ones who benefits enormously and gets back on their feet.

The age gap wasn't 4 years though if he was "early 20's"

And I agree that the lower age is the one that sets the tone.

Had he been in a sexual relationship before you? I'm assuming you hadn't before you met him.

As others have said 4 or 6 years difference in an adult relationship, no problem but with a 16 year old, no.
You have no frame of reference for relationships. As you have said you simply didn't know this was not normal.

It reminds me of a girl I knew of who only realised that she was being abused when she stayed over at a friend's house and the friend's dad DIDN'T come into the bedroom in the night.

Early 20s, dating a kid he can train to put up with his sexual abuse.

Delightful.

I thought you were both 16 when you got together.

If you had both been kids the "we grew up.together and tbings got messed up along the way" might stand.

But he was an adult who targeted and groomed you for this.

It was and is my first relationship of any kind but as I said, I'm really no inexperienced idiot.
I wasn't his first fuck but I think his first serious relationship. We don't talk about 'before us' relationship wise as he gets upset that I wasn't completely pure. I was a virgin but had done other stuff with boys and tbh it has worried me that he hates that fact so much. I haven't brought it up for years. It's never spoken about.

Yes, the fact he "hates" you having had sexual contact before him is a huge waving red flag

At 16, you would not have been equipped to recognise that

That was your first indication he sees you as a possession, not a human being. His subsequent behaviour only proves the point further

Oh Jesus Christ
More indication of his sense of ownership over your body. Can you see that?

Yes, that was why I was worried about his phrasing of not liking the idea of you tattooing or piercing your "untouched and pure" body.

The fact that, what, ten years on, he doesn't "accept" that you had a sexual life (and a life in general) before him is a red flag.

It interesting that he's so hung up on your "purity" (re. past relationships, no tattoos) but thinks nothing of using your body for a quick, perfunctory orgasm before he goes to work in the morning.

I'm not going to psychoanalyse that, but it's interesting.

He's always struggled with my having a small sexual past. I remember getting quite drunk and stoned with him when I was about 18ish and
Felt I had to confess that I'd once given a boy a bj before I met him. He almost broke up with me over that and I spent the next week doing anything I could to make it up to him. Now, years down the line I know I hadn't done anything wrong but it felt like I'd cheated on him at the time (even though it was before we'd met).

God, I haven't thought about that time for years!

Don't answer if it's TMI, but do you get anything like the same level of reciprocation for the times you give BJs?

"He almost broke up with me over that and I spent the next week doing anything I could to make it up to him"

Holy crap. How dare he? Given he'd had sex before you met. Hypocrite.

He almost broke up with me over that and I spent the next week doing anything I could to make it up to him.

Yeah, that's what they do. Pick up on any 'slight' to make you feel as if you have to make things up to him. It's part of the training.

He doesn't like giving oral and I don't like accepting it. We tried many years ago but I just found it awful to the point of wincing.

He will occasional use his fingers but doesn't like to make me come to often as it satisfies me too much in his eyes and that means I'll be less on for sex next time he wants it. He doesn't like me to do it myself for the same reason. I pretend I don't masterbate ever as once again, it hurts his feelings but occasionally I do

Can you substitute purity for youth? Does he want you to stay looking young and youthful?

It occurs to me that he was a young adult who went for a young girl, who JUST had turned legal...

Hmm, that bit about him hating that you have a 'past' doesn't bode well.

You're probably not rubbish at talking either, just he's rubbish at listening. Truth is, when someone turns what you're trying to say into something else, gets defensive or aggressive (you say I do X? Well, you do Y! So ner!) tends to mean they are self-aware, are lying in one way or another. That sort of response tends to mean that they simply don't want to pay any attention to what you're saying or feeling, and fully intend to continue to live in exactly the way they always have. They don't want to be challenged, want to continue to feel in charge, to continue to be in control.

It is fundamentally dishonest.

So you are not allowed sexual needs and urges?
But you need to succumb to his all the time?

What is his relationship with his mum?

His daughter?

Oh my fucking God. I want to cry for you now. He doesn't like to make you orgasm too often so you will be more sexually frustrated and provide him with more unsatisfying sex? That is disgusting and so, so wrong. I'm so furious for you.
Of course you think you don't like oral because you're with a controlling, sexually abusive selfish cunt who makes you feel ashamed for being sexual (yet simultaneously uses you as a human sex toy)
Please, I'm begging you, open your eyes. This is so fucked up.