What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Because of time constraints it is more often a 'quickie' and my mind will wander although I try to seem enthusiastic. We do have nice, mutually pleasing couple sex too. That's the sort I'm worried about these new thoughts ruining.
I just can't believe I've ended up in a position where I'm always available to him. It's just not who I thought I was and sets such a bad example to dd. I don't know how I'm going to turn this around without ruining our relationship. I really thought I was so much stronger and intelligent than this.

AGree, there doesnt have to be a next time. I remember leaving my x knowing that I'd never have to have sex with him again. Phew.

So do you plan to stay in the relationship? How do you think that's going to work out?

How has he reacted to you refusing to give him a blow job this week?

Sorry erina I hadn't seen your post . I whole heartedly believe that if we were to split his family would side with him wether they knew what was going on behind closed doors or not. He is the child that can do no wrong. In fact the worse behaved the better.

As far as what can mn do I'm not sure. It's been really validating to hear some of my deepest feelings that I've kept hidden are justified. I don't know what will happen next. I won't be leaving him straight away but I will try to start saying no to him and deal with the fall out that will cause. People are always nice when they're getting there own way so perhaps I need to evoke his nastier side by saying no more often. That may make it easier to make long term decisions.

I don't know how I'm going to turn this around without ruining our relationship.

What exactly do you have to ruin?
How is this a relationship?

You feel you have to yield to sex.
You feel you can't change your appearance.
You can hardly go out when he's at home.

You can't turn this around because you are not causing it.

You can refuse to continue the way it's being. It's HIS responsibility to act like someone who loves you, or even a decent human being.

He still believes it's going to happen tomorrow. We haven't spent any time together yesterday and won't today either. I still don't want to piss him off by saying no but as my above post says, I thinks saying no will allow me to see his other side and base my decision to stay or go on that. I hope that makes sense. It's a bit rambly.

Yy to Lweji's post.

It isn't you ruining this relationship.

Ok, good luck tomorrow OP.

Smeagol, my ex prided himself on not being like his DV dad, but with the help of hindsight, distance and some excellent Women's Aid counselling I was able to see that they were equals in DV, just had different ways of administering it.

So while your OH is not as openly misogynistic as his dad, fundamentally as you'll start to see, they will be quite alike.

I think you are doing wonderfully. It took me a few months from the point where you are now, to fully process and pack my bags. Takes most of us a while to wake up and face it. So well done!

I left in similar circumstances and it took me much longer. You think this thread has made you realise you're weaker than you thought but you are so much stronger. I know that sounds trite but believe me, it's true.

Also agree with Lweji, you are doing nothing wrong here.

I'm not strong. It's easy to type out words like 'he's a prick' and 'I don't know if I want to be with him anymore' on here but in reality I can't imagine having the courage to say them to him or actually leave.

The hospital issue really made me look at him and our relationship differently not least because I stood up to him and said 'no I'm not rushing home to you, I'd be doing it for you and not for dd or me'. Then when he was pissd off with me for having my period I felt angry as well as guilty and agreed he'd get a blowjob to tide him over.

Cheeky choppy has always been one of four things to me.

1. An excuse to behave like a pervert.

1. An excuse to be rude to people to hise behind banter.

1. An adult who never grew up.

1. A combination of the above.

You wouldn't be ruining the relationship, he would.

Write down some examples of the way he treats you and sit down with him and get him to explain how he meant them/ why it isn't degrading to you.

It will be very telling what he says.

But you don't have to have sex until you want to (if you want to).

If it ruins your relationship it's by how he's behaved, not you.

I always look at "cheeky chappies" and think that, whilst I might tolerate their company in the pub for an evening once in a while, I sure as hell wouldn't like to be married to them.

Your plan sounds good. Say no, and see what he's like in the medium term. Does that mean saying no for a week, or longer?

Good luck. Hope he realises what a twat he's being and thinks about how he is. Sometimes, that's all that's needed, a bit of honest self-reflection.

If he's a basically decent bloke but has learnt how to behave from the bad example set by his father, then he'll take on board what you say and maybe, just maybe, you can salvage the relationship. Would he agree to counselling (on his own as it's not supposed to be a good idea in abusive relationships to go as a couple)?

If he genuinely can't see that he's in any way, been unreasonable - then you have your answer.

Beware short term changes that then fall back into the normal pattern.

I look at "cheeky chappies" and think "irritating manchild"

I shudder similarly at "charming" men.

Both of these types are cunts in outwardly reasonable clothing.

You don't need more bad behaviour from him to justify leaving. He's already done more than enough to justify it to be honest.

I'm hoping honest, self reflection will make him change memoirs We really need to start talking but I'm rubbish at getting my point across without me feeling bad about what in saying and then changing it to what I think he wants to hear.

dowhat based on passed experiences I don't think he'll see his behaviour as wrong. I'm also to blame for this. I've spent years reinforcing his rights to 'needs'.

Glad to be having another evening alone. And yes to everyone cringing at cheeky chappy. It's a cover, of course it is and it excuses a whole manner of shitty behaviours.

I'm rubbish at getting my point across without me feeling bad about what in saying and then changing it to what I think he wants to hear.
based on passed experiences I don't think he'll see his behaviour as wrong. I'm also to blame for this. I've spent years reinforcing his rights to 'needs'.

Oh, dear.
You're not responsible.
He's the one not listening. He's the one who's spent years reinforcing his rights to "needs". He's the one pushing you.

You are in no way responsible for him changing.
You are in no way responsible to make him respect you.

He is responsible for his actions and how he acts towards you.

You haven't needed to be told to treat him well. To listen to him. Or to think of him. Have you?

Domestic abuse isn't just a fist.

It is also that you must perform sexually even if you don't want to just to keep the other person happy.

This is an incredibly abusive and degrading relationship.

I am glad you are finally waking up to the fact that it is wrong on so many levels.

He knows what he has done all these years. Don't think self reflection will change that.

He believes you are there to service him whenever & however he likes. He is happy to have this relationship how it is.

I agree with you on almost everything there but

he knows what he's done all these years

I'm not sure if he does. Yes I was very young (16) but he was only early twenties when we got together and I don't think he has the devious plotting streak in him. More that we both grew up in a relationship together with no knowledge of how relationships should actually be.

You were 16 and he was early 20's ?

That explains a lot

There isn't a rule book to tell you how relationships should work, but common decency should play a big part in getting it right. He's lacking that.