What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Good steps there, Smeagol.

Well done, OP.

Great news. Keep it up. We are behind you all the way.

FindingSmeagol

Give yourself all the space you need.

Well done OP. I've been thinking about you today. What did women's aid say?

Much the same as I've heard on here. She was reluctant to put words in my mouth and asked me how this and that made me feel and did I think it was wrong. She did re enforce that his behaviour was not normal in a loving relationship.

It's odd posting on here because obviously I'm not going to post all his better traits so he ends up sounding like an abusive arsehole. I'm just not sure I want my future to contain him. Not just because of this thread but because of the clarity sobriety gives you. It makes you face up to those thoughts in your head you can usually drown with wine.

Smeagol you are so strong. Congratulations on how far you've come.

Ah well done smeagol, sounds to me like you are a fantastic woman for handling this so well, your daughter will thank you for this one day and you will be happier than you can imagine right now, good luck, keep strong and keep putting yourself (and dd) first

FindingSmeagol ex used to refuse to let me get piercings and cut my hair. First thing I did after I kicked him out was cut my hair very short and dye it pink, a few years later I also got my nose pierced.

The sheer pleasure of having full autonomy over myself has never left me.

My DP now, I sometimes ask his opinion about a hairstyle or clothes his answer is always 'go for it'

I wish I hadn't spent my entire twenties pandering to and tiptoeing around ex terrified of upsetting him.

Well done. Of course he will have lots of better traits, that's exactly why he's got away with what he has for so long.

Conman also get away with what they do because they are charming and seem like lovely people. If they weren't they wouldn't get away with their cons.

The nicer these abusive people appear, the more they can get away with their mainpulation because their partners think "oh they are so nice it must be a fault of mine - hence the feeling guilty"

Well done op. Do you have a sponsor to support you?

Well done.

It's so hard to look at a situation and see someone you've known and loved for years, isn't showing love to you.

It's all you've known and it's like pulling the floor from underneath you.

But you are doing the right thing looking at this- I'm sure he has good qualities otherwise you would never have been interested in him.

The question is - do his good points outweigh these very bad ones?

I really doubt anything could be that great to put up with this.

But like I say it's a stark reality and it's like people are talking about someone else, not you.

Glad WA woman was able to just listen. Hearing a real life voice can be such a comfort in a situation like this.

I hope he doesn't give you too much grief- you're a caring woman and don't deserve the mind games.

Sounds like a really positive day

That's great op. It's totally shit having to face up to realities without a lovely blanket of substances. But once you see things you can't unsee them. You deal with things and ultimately life gets better

Well done OP. Wishing you strength.

How are you today Smeagol?

I'm ok, I re-read parts of the thread on my way to work this morning to keep myself thinking about things.
I'm worried about how I'll feel next time we have sex. Even the nicer sex we sometimes have might feel a bit weirder now let alone the not so nice, degrading sex. I don't think I'll be able to switch off as much. I felt a bit odd talking to woman's aid as there is no physical violence but she reassured me. Dp is working tonight so another evening of not seeing him which is
fine by me.

Remember that while you're doing all this deep thought and soul searching, all that really has to happen is for him to open his eyes to what a creep he is being.

I'm sure he doesn't want to be a creep, right? You'll compile a list of irrefutable points to make to him about what goes on and how fucked up it is, along with the fact that it's killing your marriage...and because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, he'll listen and understand that it can't and won't continue as it is.

Or...he'll be a dick about it.

Whichever way, you'll know what to do. x

alice I don't have a sponsor but lots on mumsnet support on an alcohol thread. It's wonderful.

sarcasm I don't know if the good points outway the bad anymore. When a relationship has been rumbling on for so long you stop evaluating it.

dowhat yes to the conman analogy. People, family especially don't see how he can be with me. He's always had a cheeky chappy persona which his family encourage He's the golden child and used to always getting his own way since childhood.

swim yes I do think drink was 'helping' me to ignore certain issues.

Well I'm definitely not sold on him now. I can't abide a cheeky chappie.
With the obvious disclaimer about exceptions to every rule, in my 40 years experience they usually turn out to be intrinsically arrogant, unpleasant, seething balls of selfish rage.
But that might just be me.

Same here, Pictish. 'CHeeky Chappy' my arse. Anything but, under the skin.

I'm worried about how I'll feel next time we have sex

There doesn't have to be a next time. You never have to have sex with him again if you don't want to.

Well said, Fatal.

Look back at the words you just used, Smeagol.

Even the nicer sex we sometimes have. Sometimes?

let alone the not so nice, degrading sex. More usually?

I don't think I'll be able to switch off as much. Think about that. You have to "switch off" when having sex with your husband?

FindingSmeagol Is there anything else that MN can do for you? Re-evaluating one's relationships can be exhausting. I remember someone exclaiming to me, when I was trying to describe one relationship, "why are you still in contact with this person?!" That was a particularly jarring moment.

There are people who are able to hold in their head the notion that every story has two sides and who will not take sides when a relationship falls apart. I say this to say that it is not inevitable that everybody who knows both of you will be lost to you, should you decide to change something about your relationship. There are people who understand that one never knows what goes on behind closed doors, and who will be able to be with you through this. The ones who side with your DH, you may decide, are not the most useful people to surround yourself with right now.