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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

909 replies

FindingSmeagol · 21/08/2016 15:12

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

OP posts:

Original poster

FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 22:22

Well, he actually hasn't been as persistent as last night oddly. More crude 'get on your knees ' type things but he hasn't started touching me. I really laid it on thick with the period pain stuff, it has too be fair, been a nasty period. I think this has allowed me to put it off. He's just started telling me if he doesn't get some action it's going to be x amount more days (due to work commitments) till he can. I'm trying not to feel guilty. A clear head certainly helps.

OP posts:

BroomhildaVonShaft · 22/08/2016 22:25

Can you not just tell him you don't want to? Do yoI have to have a reason?

fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2016 22:30

Ffs why can't he just have a wank if he's unable to live without ejaculating. He sounds worse than an animal in heat. Utterly unattractive, I'd rather join a convent than fuck someone that pathetic.

clam · 22/08/2016 22:30

More crude 'get on your knees ' type things
He's just started telling me if he doesn't get some action it's going to be x amount more days (due to work commitments) till he can.

That's not being persistent?????
Sorry, smeagol but you have a warped idea of normality there.

And whilst I totally get why you did, using spurious period pain is not the answer to this.

erinaceus · 22/08/2016 22:32

Do you know why it is that you feel guilty? You do not have to answer.

Darcychu · 22/08/2016 22:32

I could never be with someone like that, total lack of respect.

HornyTortoise · 22/08/2016 22:37

I really laid it on thick with the period pain stuff, it has too be fair, been a nasty period

Ah hun you shouldn't have to do this. No excuses. Just a 'no'. Don't blame it on the period or he will be badgering you even more when you come off it

Just read this whole thread and I feel really bad for you. You should not be feeling guilty because of this dickhead.

If I am not in the mood, DH accepts it without question. I cannot imagine being badgered and expected to blow him if I didn't feel like it. Actually I HATE blowjobs and DH knows this so no longer asks, last time I did it was about 8 years back and he has lived without it fine so far. Also when I had DS it took 6 months before I felt like I wanted sex again, DHs balls did not explode like your partner seems to think his will do. God, if he is that desperate why can he not just have a bloody wank?

RhodaBorrocks · 22/08/2016 22:45

OP I've been followingthis all day and feel so sad for you. I was also in an abusive relationship which included this kind of thing and escalated into groping and eventually, violence. At which point I left. I thought I could keep him happy through sex, but even with that, and multiple wanks a day, it wasn't enough for him. There were plenty of other areas he thought I failed in too. Happily rid of him for the past 6 years and he us currently NC with DS.

I'm glad you're starting to see this with fresh eyes. Stay calm, but do seek help and support where you can.

Mc314 · 22/08/2016 22:47

Yeh, he's made you lose all perspective. A woman should not be apologising to the man who is supposed to love her. I couldn't put a man's penis in my mouth unless he was showing me the utmost respect, affection, consideration... and you're apologising for having your period to somebody who's deliberately capitalising on that misplaced guilt.

After my x (my kids' dad) I apologised to a man I really liked for being so crap at oral sex and luckily he said that he if he was lucky enough to have my lips around his penis he would be happy and he certainly wouldn't dream of complaining.

erinaceus · 22/08/2016 22:55

To flip it on its head, if I want sex when my DH does not, I might tell him that I feel rejected, but I do not tell him that I will get some later somehow.

DesolateWaist · 22/08/2016 22:59

I really laid it on thick with the period pain stuff, it has too be fair, been a nasty period

You shouldn't need to do this. You shouldn't need to make excuses. No should be enough.

He's just started telling me if he doesn't get some action it's going to be x amount more days (due to work commitments) till he can.

Well tough shit. He won't die. If he cannot cope without ejaculation for a few days then he really needs help - preferably long after you have left him.

Memoires · 22/08/2016 23:00

Seriously, Smeagol, you should just be able to say no without apology or explanation, more like being offered a cuppa when you don't want one; further, you should feel no obligation at all, ever. You could even say "maybe later" but that's not a contract, an undertaking, or a promise, and shouldn't feel like one or be taken as one.

Your body is your own and no one else's.

PapaverSomniferum · 22/08/2016 23:30

He's considerate as in making sure I have pleasure too if it's a romantic one. If he just needs a quick fuck before work then yes it's just him quickly doing it from behind and yes it can feel a bit degrading but not to the point of abuse.

This is really, really disturbing to read, Smeagol. Would you want your DD in a relationship like that?

I really laid it on thick with the period pain stuff, it has too be fair, been a nasty period. I think this has allowed me to put it off.

Why did you lay it on thick with the period pain, rather than just telling him that you're not in the mood to give him a blow job? When he makes crude 'get on your knees' comments, do you ever tell him that he's being revolting and disrespectful? How does he react?

AnyFucker · 22/08/2016 23:38

You say you are not scared of him, I don't believe you

What is making you use excuses to escape having sex with him. Why do you not just say "no, not happening sunshine"

I don't think you have been taking on board anything that has been said on your thread at all.

This is your life. Using stuff you used to wangle out of PE with. "Please, Sir, I have my period. May I be excused?"

Listen to yourself.

CrepeDeChineWag · 22/08/2016 23:40

Urgh. He's a fucking bully

Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 23:55

I'm not a violent person but I have thoughts of your partner being abusive and me hitting him for you. I don't go around hitting anyone, I just feel so angry that you are being degraded.

NoMudNoLotus · 22/08/2016 23:56

Smeagal.

You are so brave to have stuck with this thread.

Just take one day at a time - for now focus on your psychological safety - that means not having sex when you don't want & includes getting some professional support through your GP to manage your drinking.

Keep with the thread - what you take on board is your choice you certainly don't need to feel that you should agree with everybody.

You may not have a long term plan yet & that's ok - it might take a while for you to decide what you want & how you want to do it.

What is important that throughout you find some real life support - I have worked with many survivors of abuse and as the posters on here are demonstrating - you can recover be happy, & you deserve to be.

Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 23:56

I'm very petite BTW so it probably wouldn't hurt him, but I really want to stop him bullying you!

iknowimcoming · 22/08/2016 23:59

Op, this has made me so sad for you. I think you have been living like this for so long that you have got used to it and it's normal to you. Please believe me this is not normal, it's not how a normal marriage or relationship is. Is there a close friend or family member that you could show this thread to, I suspect you wouldn't be comfortable talking about it, show this to someone you trust and let them help you get away from this man, for your sake and for your dc. If there's no one like that you can talk to please see your gp and tell them about your husband and the drinking and they will help you with both issues (I'd put money on them being the same problem though). Good luck

SarcasmMode · 23/08/2016 00:08

Oh Smeagol please don't let yourself be treated like this.

My ex was ... Similar in that he expected sex often and didn't want me to be with friends too unless he was there. He would also cry / become moody if he didn't get his own way.

I only initially had sex with him as he started to hold me down so I said I'd do it next week and give oral then.

It wasn't the last time he was forceful.

I was also very nervous about speaking to other males either him being aggressive to them or him accusing me of liking them.

He was also very crude with his words.

Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you should have to put up with this.

Well done for being sober but honestly although at first it would be hard your not having this manipulator around will make you feel better.

Short term pain for long term gain.

Also you have an amazing little girl. Use her as inspiration to both leave this cock and to keep off the alcohol when doing so.

What's his father/father figure like?

I hope you take that plunge. Tomorrow will always be another day but today is action.

It's awful to feel like an object - you are amazing and deserve to be safe in your own boundaries.

Stay strong

molyholy · 23/08/2016 00:20

Oh god OP. I commented on this thread early on. Your updates have been more and more disturbing. He is coercing you so much. It is horrible. I hope you decide to look after ypurself and protect your well being. This is such a fucked up dynamic. It has become so normal to you. It is not normal. Please imagine future possibilities. What do you see when you picture your life without him?

JellyBelli · 23/08/2016 00:25

Please go and talk to Rape Crisis or Womens Aid. This is not a normal relationship and you need more support than you can get here.

24 hour freephone number for womens aid;
0808 2000 247

www.womensaid.org.uk

Mc314 · 23/08/2016 02:35

yes OP very brave to have stuck with the thread. So often OPs disappear because beginning to acknowledge the truth is so difficult. That's no criticism of other OPs but smeagol you are brave.

Goingquietlyinsane · 23/08/2016 07:13

OP I agree you're being very brave to stay on this thread.

I'm stunned at the language he uses with you, and that you think it is normal. It isn't. He is foul and pathetic, and you and your daughter will be so much better off without him.

I also think your alcohol problem is down to him. So don't make the mistake of "trying to really sort hat out before leaving" because it won't work that way

Shakey15000 · 23/08/2016 07:24

for you.

But I agree with others lovey, you're relationship with him is really not normal. His comments, including the "get on your knees" and his saying it'll be x amount of days are SO beyond what's normal it's clear your perception has been skewed by him over the years. It happens when a clever, controlling manipulator grounds someone down and you are NOT at fault.

And it becomes hard to see and when realisation hits, it can be hard to accept and even more daunting to stop it.

For me it was fear of what people would think. That I'd be perceived as stupid. But it was relief beyond relief when I broke free, not least for all the people around me who could see what I couldn't.

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