What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

I want to see by testing the withholding tonight's bj plan and see what his reaction is like with 'fresh eyes' after this thread. I still can't truly contemplate that I might be being abused so dragging in support for something so embarrassing might be a massive miss fire.

That is a good start. It is very easy for the rest of us to sit behind our keyboards and say LTB but it isn't like that.

Refuse the BJ, and then listen very carefully to what he says. Think very carefully about what he says. Try to be cynical about what he is saying. Don't be swayed by him saying that he loves you etc. Any man worth his salt would refuse any sexual contact from a woman who is un willing to give it.

Good luck tonight. Remember you have choices - you are not obligated to give a BJ or have sex, you can say No. As others have said, listen carefully to his reaction. If he tries to persuade you, tell him "I've told you I don't want to and that's the end of this discussion."

I can totally see why you have a problem with alcohol. I would guess that if you were not being being subjected to this sort of abuse then you wouldn't have a problem with alcohol

Good to try it, OP.

You could start the conversation around how sex driven he is and how women can possibly just say yes to keep them happy. See what your friends' and relatives' reaction is. You will know from that who will support you.

But, you don't have to tell anyone the reason for leaving him, just that you want to is good enough.

That is a good plan, BTW. I know you won't leave right away.
Make sure you tell him no to the BJ and that you don't want any pressure or any sly remarks at all. Just to be left alone.

At the very least you shouldn't have to continue having sex with him without really wanting to. So, saying no it's a definitive good start.

I do hope he respects it. I sincerely hope he would turn into someone who respects you. Sadly, I doubt it. But fingers crossed for the best.

I found my x only relinquished me (so to speak) when the words that were coming out of my mouth did the opposite of feed his ego.

I'd tip toed around him for so long. He's accuse me of not loving him and blah blah blah then I'd spend hours persuading him I did, not because I did but to get him to stop torturing me.

When I finally (and I'd already physically LEFT at this point) started saying ''I do not love you'' and ''I do not like you''

''I do not enjoy being with you''.

Only then did his ego not get topped up.

So if he accuses you of being selfish and cold hearted etc etc etc

agreee it's the quickest way to get away.

Don't try to persuade him you're not selfish or cold hearted or cruel or whatever tricks he'll use to make you continue to do what he wants.

So if he accuses you of putting him last, AGree say, yes, that's right, what you want no longer matters to me.

In my house, sex happens when initiated by one of us, if the other one is in the mood as well. It tends to begin with a bit of a cuddle. Sometimes one of us will be tired or not in the mood (am also pregnant) and in that case we will either make non-verbal signs that we're not up for taking it further (kiss on the cheek and roll over type of thing) or say so. That applies equally to us both.

Good luck! Stick to your guns and remember, no explanation required! You do not need to justify yourself or make any compromises whatsoever. Just say no, you don't want to. See what happens from there.

Would it be worth you maybe rehearsing some responses to the phrases you know he'll come out with.
So, "But we agreed. You promised." Response, "I felt coerced and I've changed my mind."

Any other suggestions?

Do any other posters feel concerned for OP's physical safety? Is that one of those questions one is not allowed to ask?

I honestly don't feel concerned for her physical safety from what has been said here. I feel more concerned for her state of mind. Obviously it goes without saying that safety is paramount.

I don't see any indication of possible violence from what she's posted on here.

I feel comforted by that. "Different boat, same sea" and all that. (Adapted from "we're all in the same boat" which someone said to me once.)

Absolutely not erinaceaus. Don't be inflammatory.

Sorry x-post!

Yup, listen carefully with fresh eyes. My bet? He'll ramp up the sulky nastiness when he realises you're standing firm. But if you don't manage to stand firm that doesn't mean you can't come back and ask for help here with what happened x

No problem Hearts

I have been asked whether I am safe with DH more times than I can count. I no longer respond as if it is an inflammatory question.

I hope I have not freaked anyone out with the question, as that was far from my intention.

OP

It's not inflammatory. Rather, and sadly, a possibility, yes. Not today, but eventually.
Once an abuser sees you as his property, and they feel they are losing control, who knows?

Smeagol, you are best placed to judge from his background, but it could happen out of nowhere. If (fingers crossed it doesn't) it does happen, don't fight back. Just keep safe until you can go.

Good luck Smeagol.

It shouldn't be a case of "I'm not up for sex because I have my period," but simply, "I'm not up for sex."

It shouldn't be a case of "I'm not up for sex because I have my period," but simply, "I'm not up for sex."

A simple 'no' should be enough.

If he just needs a quick fuck before work then yes it's just him quickly doing it from behind

He really is just like the zoo monkeys :(

That's a good line clam.

I agree.

Rehearse lines that are v difficult to argue with.

Don't prioritise sparing his feelings when you construct these statements.

Well done on tackling the booze. Nowt better than a clear head for telling him you don't want sex.

And when he turns on the butthurt act, remember that it's all about his balls aching and nothing to do with his emotional wellbeing. All that's going on in his head is frustration that he can't control you. There is not one iota of concern about how YOU feel. It all comes from a place of pure selfishness and is accompanied by about as much emotional maturity as a child who has been told they can't have any chocolate.