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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

909 replies

FindingSmeagol · 21/08/2016 15:12

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it Hmm. I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 13:14

Yes, that's the big life change and it would be easy to pin the blame on him but ultimately it's my choice to open a bottle.

I felt I needed to mention it as avoiding major stresses in the short term are helping my sobriety. Changing our relationship as suggested is a major stress factor.

OP posts:
Gozo10 · 22/08/2016 13:15

Alice - I'm sorry if you find my comment disgraceful. It was a genuine question. This thread has brought up a lot of issues for me about my own marriage and I'm genuinely surprised by the strength of some of the responses. That's not to say they're wrong. I have nothing but sympathy for the OP and hope she is finding this supportive. Anyway, sorry to derail.

Lweji · 22/08/2016 13:16

So, you just yield to sex you don't want?

Don't reply if you don't want to, but what stresses are you trying to avoid?
Do they include his moods?

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 13:17

I imagine servicing him as and when required is a stress factor too 😥

Give it a go. Just say no without negotiation. I am betting - and I appreciate I may be wrong - that you will feel liberated and even stronger knowing that you aren't drinking AND you are only having sex that you want to have.

pictish · 22/08/2016 13:17

I think his moods would make life bad for me.

Like AF says...there's your answer.

clam · 22/08/2016 13:19

I wouldn't suggest blaming him, but it might explain why.

Did he tell you you were drinking too much, by the way?

Lweji · 22/08/2016 13:19

Actually, my best advice is not to say no to him.

It's just to walk away. Don't tell him, just sort out what you need and go.

He will find a way of making your life miserable and to push you into submission if your plan is to say no.

CodeBreaker16 · 22/08/2016 13:32

This thread is a bit of an eye opener. Not re my current relationship but it's reminding me of some parts of my 5 year university relationship. (Over 15 years ago). I just kind of laughed about him having such a high sex drive and I used to feel I had to 'let' him have sex or he was really hurt. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't in the mood as I worried that meant I didn't love him anymore. Kind of thought it was part and parcel of relationships especially with an 18 year old. I hope he's calmed down now and is more respectful. I never would have thought he was being abusive though because we were 'in love' but some comments in this thread are really making me think.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2016 13:53

Op, are you saying that if you invoke your right to say no to sex his resultant coercion might drive you to drink ?

I hope you are reading this back as if someone else was making the responses. What would your advice to that person be ?

erinaceus · 22/08/2016 13:56

Gozo10 I can. It may seem discontinuous with the rest of what I have posted, but that is because in my case the abusive situation was not in my current relationship but between me and the people who were taking care of me at the time and among those people as well. I am asked very directly about my relationship with my DH precisely because abuse can set up a pattern that goes down multiple generations.

Women's Aid did not exist fifty years ago. Nor did Mumsnet.

MrsHam13 · 22/08/2016 14:14

My dh can be a bit like this sometimes. It's not that I wouldnt want it had it just got to bed time and he'd tried. I probably would be up for it, but when he's gone on about it all day non stop, completely presumptuously it totally turns me off and makes me look at him as a bit of a creep However if it comes to bed time and I'm not up for it he won't pressure me. It's just the constant comments all day.

He got up today though and straight away it's 'oh I can't wait for tonight' really fucking annoys me and if I say oh stop going on. He will reply you should appreciate that I still fancy you and want to have sex with you so much. urgh.

AliceScarlett · 22/08/2016 14:19

Oh sorry Gozo I thought you were being goady and saying that everyone shuts up and puts puts up sometimes so it's fine. Apologies.

OP. If you let someone treat you like this your self esteem must be on the floor... Do you think his behaviour is a reason why you drink?

DoinItFine · 22/08/2016 14:21

you should appreciate that I still fancy you

Hmm

These are the men that think women should be flattered to be felt up on the train.

Fucking nasty creeps.

No, you should not be grateful that he wants to have sex with you.

I'm sure you are a very attractive woman who could find a competent, respectful lover if freed from this nasty lecherous git.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2016 14:39

You don't have to answer this, Smeagol but how long was it after your DD's birth before he asked/pestered? I work with young women who often have boyfriends who are abusive and they seem to find this is a very difficult time.

I also wanted to know, but again feel free to just ignore me, was the booze sometimes to make if easier to have the unwanted sex?

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2016 14:42

Op I asked earlier if you knew how a decent bloke behaves when a woman puts sex off the agenda. I wonder if you do as you've been with this sorry excuse for a man for so long.

It might be useful if those of us with proper partners say what happens in their house.

If my dp mentions sex or initiates and I'm not up for it, he will give me a kiss, say he loves me and probably suggest a cuppa. No sulking. No nagging. No threats.

That's it. That's what happens. End of story.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/08/2016 14:52

Smeagol - I am 100% sure that you are less likely to pick up a bottle if you're not being sexually coerced. The temptation to drink yourself into a state of consent is very great. I'm not talking at all about the thorny issue of when-is-someone-too-drunk-to-consent: I mean all those times when you know he wants sex, and you don't, but you know it'll be awful if you say no - so the easiest solution there, am I right (yes), is to have a few drinks, because then you can comply more easily.

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 14:54

It's only ever been him. I really am not blinkered and reading back if someone I knew and cared for was saying this is be appalled on their behalf. I can imagine the 'fall out' from being a little more forthright would make me want to ease it with booze but as I've said that's entirely my fault and no one is making me drink but me.

To know me you wouldn't think my self esteem is on the floor, I've got a good job and a normal life. But I think I struggle with myself.

I don't remember when we started having sex after childbirth. It never really stopped during pregnancy but I honestly can remember when we started again. It was fairly soon.

OP posts:
NotMyMoney · 22/08/2016 15:00

How soon after giving birth did you have sex? already know the answer who initiated it?

If I was you I'd be putting my ducks in a row

DoinItFine · 22/08/2016 15:01

Yes, using drink or drugs to make it easier to deal with coerced sex is not uncommon.

A fair number of prostitutes do this.

And he does treat you like a prostitute.

Good idea BitOut

In my house we rarely talk about sex beforehand - asking for it doesn't really arise.

If DH initiates (through kissing or touching) and I don't "escalate" (iyswim) things from there, we will just have a cuddle and a snog.

At the start he was reluctant to initiate sex at all because he hated the idea that I might feel obliged, so he just waited for me to do it.

Our sex life improved after he was able to accept that I didn't feel any obligation and would only have sex if I really wanted to.

I found that kindvof annoying at the time, but now I appreciate where he was coming from.

Lweji · 22/08/2016 15:01

It certainly isn't his fault if you drink, but it is his fault that you have that stress in your life. You could have developed depression, or could have reacted in different ways.

However, you have a choice to drink or not to drink, yes. And you do have a choice to stay with him or not stay with him.

You chose not to drink. You can also choose not to put up with his abuse.

Once you make that choice, all you have to do is figure out how. But you need to make the choice first.

QuintessentialShadow · 22/08/2016 15:04

Did you post about a habit of staying up drinking after your dp had gone to bed a couple of weeks ago?

If so, do you think your drinking too much could have been related to his constant demands for sex, to "numb" you a bit?

NigellasGuest · 22/08/2016 15:14

Sounds like you've faced your drinking head-on and are taking steps to deal with it. I know it's hard! Why not put everything into one bundle in your mind - the drinking and the suffering DH is causing - and deal with them both together, rather than thinking alcohol is one problem and that DH is another that you can deal with later. Just an idea for getting through.

SWIMonBluelight · 22/08/2016 15:18

I know you are emphasising that you own your drinking issues (they really drum this into you in AA believe me I've been there) but it doesn't hurt to consider that he may be contributing factor. Lots of people with drug and alcohol issues are self medicating a shitty situation.

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 15:34

No that wasn't me. I posted about worrying I might be sliding into alcoholism. I barely mentioned Dp.

I certainly guilty of using booze to make myself feel better about life in general.

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 22/08/2016 15:50

OP, maybe just come up with a solid plan for the next couple of days to give yourself time to think and reassess. What is your strategy for the next day or two in terms of dealing with him? I think key to this is: who is around to support you? Family/friends?