Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

909 replies

FindingSmeagol · 21/08/2016 15:12

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it Hmm. I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

OP posts:
clam · 22/08/2016 11:01

JackandDiane Please say that you're not suggesting that this would be a good solution for the OP so that she can be available for sex 365 days a year with no excuses?

ArmyInRed · 22/08/2016 11:03

You got in right in your title op, what an absolute prick.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2016 11:03

how he just can't keep his hands off me which then makes me feel ungrateful.

Makes me feel sick.

I'm so sorry you now have this all to think about on top of everything else, but in the long run you could be so much happier.

Either a miracle will occur and he will stop being a manipulative sex-pest (unlikely) or you will find the strength to leave him.

If you start a new thread in Relationships when you're ready, (linking to this one), there will be even more advice and support than you've had here in how you can go forward and make changes/

Good luck Flowers

Mc314 · 22/08/2016 11:05

my x was like this too, a sex pest and i used to give in all the time to make him less angry. it was not enjoyable at all and he enjoyed that it wasn't enjoyable for me i think.
as somebody said upthread, the behaviour was like somebody paying for sex.
he was financially abusive as well. and left all the housework and childcare to me. god he was an arse and i don't miss him at all.

Value your own life OP.

CrepeDeChineWag · 22/08/2016 11:09

WTF jack

Maybe some us don't want to fuck with our hormones just so that we don't inconveniently bleed every month.

PinkSquash · 22/08/2016 11:14

WTF, how is a contraceptive that stops bleeding remotely useful here?

Don't give in to what he wants unless you really want it, don't let him wear you down, easier said than done I know.

I can remember my STBXH pestering me for sex after I'd had a major operation on my cervix, god, they were dark times!

glitterwhip · 22/08/2016 11:17

It saddens me that you feel you can't have a frank discussion about this with your partner and that you don't recognise this for what it is Flowers.
Any kind of cajoling or guilt tripping you into agreeing to sex is abuse ..they even had advertisements on tv aimed at teenage girls to educate them about this very recently.

Being pressured into sexual acts that you don't want is serious! Massively so

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 11:17

gutinstinct I could have written the first part of your post.

jack I don't like hormone contraception as it makes me a bit mad.

OP posts:
glitterwhip · 22/08/2016 11:18

Periods are medieval though?? Wtf seriously?

Mc314 · 22/08/2016 11:22

That is the part that drives people to post on a forum though.

Not referring to anybody on this thread but a lot of posters think that women post here when if they'd only sit down with a nice pot of tea and talk about it the issue would be resolved.

For me that was the point. He didn't want to be reasonable. You can't be reasonable for somebody else. You either bend over backwards to accommodate somebody else's sense of entitlement or you call a halt to the whole charade of a relationship. There's no sitting down with a cup of tea to be reasonable with an entitled man who wants his needs met at your expense. So being reasonable is not a goal for these guys. Talking to them pointless.

Mc314 · 22/08/2016 11:23

Yeh, re periods, isn't it healthy to have everything shed out once in a while. To have not have had a period for 13 years, wow, that can't be healthy.

clam · 22/08/2016 11:25

I don't like hormone contraception as it makes me a bit mad.

Does he tell you that?

Notsoyummi · 22/08/2016 11:33

Sounds like my husband he always likes to get it in before I get my period if I say no he sulks for duration of my period I ignore him so he will often try to start rows fucking nightmare.A few months ago we were at my mums and my sisters friend and hubby were there with new baby he starts going on to the guy about how his sex life will suffer please bring out the violins.and this week in my mum's I was relaying a story about a salesman at the door I said to him I forgot to tell u about it he says that's cause u don't talk to me Hmm is he trying to make my family think I'm an awful bitch probably! I actually was talking to him last week but he had no sex so was a bit frosty.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2016 11:37

'off topic but I am continually amazed women HAVE periods in this day and age. Seems so medieval

Get a coil or take the pill all the time - WAY cheaper and easier. I havent had a period since 2003'

Guess what, ignoramus? Not every woman stops bleeding altogether on the coil or taking the pill continuously. Many experience bleeding as a side effect of these forms of contraception. Along with various other very negative side effects due to hormones.

Lweji · 22/08/2016 11:42

Smeagol

many women have gone through what you are going through now. The slow realisation that they are being abused.

You don't have to decide on anything now, but I think you should really start working on a leaving plan. It is possible and achievable.

Think about what will happen if you stop falling for his sulks and his emotional manipulation. Will he start penetrating you during your sleep? Will he resort to physical aggression? It is likely that it would evolve in those directions, but nobody wants that for you. Nor for you to continue to be a sex object for this man. Or rather, not even a sex object, an object for him to dominate.

Look at where you can go, the finances and any legal issues. Women's Aid are a good start. And yes, it's OK to contact them. They are for women like you.

sadie9 · 22/08/2016 11:43

The reason he wanted you at home is not because he misses you, it's because he likes to know where you are. At home. In his house, where you belong. Not at your mother's where he has no control over you.
Look, situations develop over time. People's needs change. Your situation has changed radically - becoming a mum, etc, etc. many pressures. His situation probably hasn't changed that much - men get to just get up and go to work same as when they were 24yrs old. They don't notice their wife has had to transform herself several times over and they don't get the pressures of being a mother and/or being stuck at home.
It's the constant pressure of having the sex hanging over you that is causing this. Have you ever clearly stated how you feel about the constant demands? Is there a chance he genuinely thinks you feel the same as him about sex? Is there a chance he genuinely thinks that 'once she gets into it she really enjoys it'. Do you pretend to enjoy it more than you do?
I'm just saying this out of fairness to this relationship, that maybe he is not aware of how you feel about it all.
My point is, that clear communication has to happen. Not deflecting or putting off, or 'signalling' stuff with body language. Actual words have to be spoken. If you didn't say 'I don't want to give you a blow job', but just shrugged your shoulders and muttered something about pains and made sure the paracetamol pack was in front of his nose..then he might be kind of forgiven for thinking that you are partially in favour of it...

NotYoda · 22/08/2016 11:47

Mc314

I agree

DoreenLethal · 22/08/2016 11:50

OP - this is abuse through and through.

The bad feeling and behaviour when you refuse sex or blow jobs is him training you not to refuse as the sex or blow jobs is a better result than the behaviour or bad feeling if you refuse.

'It's easier to give in'.

What are the options for you moving out when you do move? What's the money situation like? Can you support yourself and your daughter?

DoinItFine · 22/08/2016 11:51

Actual words have to be spoken.

No, they don't.

Women aren't in a default state of consent to any sexual act unless they vocalise their opposition.

You don't get to nag someone for hours on end and then insist on oral sex the following day and then pretend you thought she was up for it.

He knows she doesn't want sex.

He doesn't care.

Or, more likely, her resistance is a turn on.

JinkxMonsoon · 22/08/2016 11:51

The reason he wanted you at home is not because he misses you, it's because he likes to know where you are. At home. In his house, where you belong. Not at your mother's where he has no control over you

This is spot on. And he gaslights you, telling you that it's only because he "misses you so much".

Ditto the constant harrassing for sex, blow jobs, using you as a wank sock. He gaslights you. He's not a sex pest, he just thinks you're so sexy he "can't keep his hands off you".

I know this is a lot to process. But everyone agrees here: he's horribly abusive.

SpeakNoWords · 22/08/2016 12:01

sadie I completely disagree with you about consent. The default position should be to assume that your partner doesn't want sex, until you've got enthusiastic clear consent each time. Don't turn this back onto the OP and suggest that she is responsible for her husband's behaviour.

erinaceus · 22/08/2016 12:01

FindingSmeagol

I feel a bit surprised that no-one has posted it yet, but if you would like to talk to someone for free and in confidence you could call Womens' Aid. The fact that they mention domestic violence on their website does not mean that you have to have experienced physical violence in order to call them. Nor will they tell you what to do.

You do not need to call them today. When you are ready, that is what you can do. My sense is that this thread could be a lot to take in, and, for me anyway, I have been helped greatly during the worst bits of my experiences by having people who I felt able to call, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I am safe now, but there was a time when I was not.

Flowers

www.womensaid.org.uk
0808 2000 247

Landoni112 · 22/08/2016 12:08

OP, are you sure he doesn't like porn? Seems to get his ideas about women from there....always available, always unquestioningly servicing?

Gozo10 · 22/08/2016 12:13

I've had to NC to come on this thread to say that a lot of the responses here will be quite difficult reading and triggering for many people, not to mention the OP. The title of the thread reads in a quite lighthearted way, but maybe there should be a trigger warning due to the circumstances as described.

OP - the language your DP is using towards you is horrible tbh, but you are far from being alone in feeling obligated into sexual acts within a marriage whether you feel like it or not. Many, many women will be reflecting on what goes on in their own marriages after reading this thread - suddenly questioning things that they may take for granted or as a normal part of their sex lives on a day to day basis. To many women giving a "quick blow job" on demand or whatever will just be one of those things that you do to keep your DH happy or to make life easier.

Sorry OP I don't have any useful advice, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone and I think the subject you have raised is something of a minefield, particularly as it's rarely discussed.

DoinItFine · 22/08/2016 12:14

That ocurred to me too, Landoni.

Good call on the Women's Aid contact details, erinacious.