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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

909 replies

FindingSmeagol · 21/08/2016 15:12

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it Hmm. I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

OP posts:
george1020 · 22/08/2016 08:16

He is treating you like shit, he is a vile shitty person.
What are you going to do about it? What is your next step? You need to take back some control.

JacquettaWoodville · 22/08/2016 08:26

"He is still expecting a blowjob after work today. Why can't I just tell him where to get off?"

What do you think would happen if you said, "It's been a tough week, I'm knackered, I don't feel like giving you a blow job. I'll let you know when I'm up for sex again." And then if he tried to persuade you, saying, "I said no, and I meant it. If you keep going on, I will go out for a walk" or similar.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2016 08:32

'He still won't let up about the bloody blow job and has agreed it's not going to happen today as I've got period pain but it will be happening tomorrow (according to him hmm)'

Oh, really? That's abusive, OP.

babynearlyhere · 22/08/2016 08:32

Tbh it sounds like your guy is a bit of a dickish teenager. If you have been together since your teens then maybe he hasn't had the experience that other blokes would have had which changes their behaviour from that of a creepy randy teenager to a grown up respectful man (I am in no way sticking up for him by the way, other boys grow out of this with no problems! And I am not saying all teenagers are like this either!). I get that you don't want to look at it as abuse and you came on here to vent but I guess the question is, do you want to live like this for the rest of your life or not? If you want to stay with him I would be having a serious lay it on the line conversation with him along the lines of "when you say things like xxxxxx, it makes me feel like xxxxx, going forward I would like you to do xxxxxx, and if things don't change we will be parting company". If he still can't behave differently after you've spelled out the changes that you want then at least you will know that you have done what you can and can move on. Good luck!

DoinItFine · 22/08/2016 08:33

How would he react if you said

"Eh, no fucking chance I'll be sucking your dick today. Or ever again if you don't stop your nagging."

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2016 08:33

Oh god your every post about him makes me feel more and more nauseous. The constant pestering for sex and the expectation of the bj after work...I am speechless.

I totally understand that you don't want to tackle this whilst this other bit of your life is coming good. How long do you think that will take to come to fruition? If its a matter of a few months I would wait, get that all bedded in, whatever it is and then tackle this. I was going to suggest relationship counselling but as your dh has been like this for so long and has slowly pushed the boundaries, I am not sure how much impact it will have. He might change for a bit and then just go back.

Just for a bit of context, after dd was born, I felt deeply unsexy. First baby anxiety, flabby stomach, sore bits, milk leaking out etc etc - just wasn't up for it. My dh waited for a whole year before I felt ready to have sex again. He was thrilled when it happened but not from the relief of the physical act itself but the closeness it brings to us as a couple, that sort of 'bonded' feeling. I know that is probably quite unusual as a year is a very long time but not once, in all that time, was the subject even raised. He just waited for signals from me that I was ready. Compare that to this entitled, whiny, demanding and cruel man who can barely cope with a few days of period.

You deserve better OP.

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 08:36

OP, is it in any way possible that you haven't told him how uncomfortable this makes you feel? Does he think he is being funny? It's just that you said you don't feel you can look at it as abuse, and the only way I can reconcile that with what you have said is if your partner thinks this is 'banter' when, actually, he is treating you and making you feel like an object, ignoring your sexual preferences and pushing you into acts you don't want to perform. If he knows (through either your telling him or your obvious reluctance in bed) that he is only sometimes considerate and he is often actually pushing you into things you don't want to do, how can that be anything other than abusive?

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 08:38

No, I've never witnessed domestic violence before.

The idea that he knows I'm not up for it and he gets a kick out of knowing I'm going to do it anyway make me feel disgusting. If that's what's going through his mind that's really low. I'd never viewed it like that.

He's considerate as in making sure I have pleasure too if it's a romantic one. If he just needs a quick fuck before work then yes it's just him quickly doing it from behind and yes it can feel a bit degrading but not to the point of abuse.

If I wasn't obliging he'd just make me feel guilty and then try again later. He doesn't give up.

OP posts:
Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 08:42

I have told him how it makes me feel but that just goes full circle back to his feelings being hurt and me feeling guilty. In those circumstances it in honestly easier just to be obliging.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 08:42

"just him quickly doing it from behind and yes it can feel a bit degrading but not to the point of abuse."

Why is it not to the point of abuse? Is it obvious that you are not enjoying it and that it feels degrading to you?

And when you say "No", what is the tone of his attempts to make you feel guilty? Nagging? Begging? Bullying?

maddening · 22/08/2016 08:43

I would tell him that everyone else's, including your own, lives do not revolve around his cock

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2016 08:43

If he just needs a quick fuck before work then yes it's just him quickly doing it from behind and yes it can feel a bit degrading but not to the point of abuse.

Good grief - ok feel sick now. That makes it sound as if you are just an orifice to use.

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 08:44

Okay, OP, just read your last post. You have told him how this makes you feel. As difficult as this might be for you to accept, this is abuse. I can't remember whether you said you had kids, but what would you say if your daughter or sister told you her partner behaved like this? What would you advise her to do?

Lweji · 22/08/2016 08:45

Yes, it's easier to be obliging, but it's also harder on your self worth and self esteem.

Wouldn't a life without a sex pest (read: sexual abuser) be so much easier?

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 08:45

Sorry, of course you have your daughter, who was in hospital!

JacquettaWoodville · 22/08/2016 08:45

Oh my god, OP.

Sex is not a need, it's a want. Someone might need breakfast before work, they don't need a quick fuck.

How dare he?

scootinFun · 22/08/2016 08:46

'just needs a quick fuck' - nobody needs this. He may want it but that doesn't excuse him from treating you as a handy hole. I have read the whole thread and feel really sad on your behalf. Please have a think about this. He acts like this sexually but does this lack of regard flow across into other areas of your life? I'd give serious thought to leaving him after you get this other thing in your life sorted because he isn't treating you with the sort of respect that will get you through life together.

babynearlyhere · 22/08/2016 08:50

Oh,
"if he just needs a quick fuck before work"....
That sentence makes me feel a bit weird. This isn't normal behaviour in my house but then both me and hub have a lowish libido!

Does this happen a lot?

Costacoffeeplease · 22/08/2016 08:50

With every post it just gets worse

This is sexual abuse, does he realise you could call the police?

JacquettaWoodville · 22/08/2016 08:50

I think the lack of regard is pretty plain by the fact that he moaned about you not coming home after your DD got out of hospital because you were shattered (and probably unsafe for a 3 hour drive)

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2016 08:51

I agree with scoot. You say you are in your 30's - can you really imagine being guilted/pestered into sex and being degradingly used as a hole for the next 40 years?

If it were me, I would print out a price list - £x for sex, £x for a bj - as this is how I would feel if I lived with this man, like a hooker. He doesn't care about what you want, only his own selfish needs.

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 08:52

Nagging, making me feel bad, not bullying. He's got a very high sex drive obviously. When I've described my feelings to him before I've jokingly said I feel like a 'wank sock' which of course he dismissed and said lots of flattering things about how he just can't keep his hands off me which then makes me feel ungrateful.

OP posts:
JacquettaWoodville · 22/08/2016 08:53

"His feelings being hurt and me feeling guilty. In those circumstances it in honestly easier just to be obliging."

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings; he certainly feels no guilt. So don't you consider him worthy of your feelings of guilt.

cexuwaleozbu · 22/08/2016 08:53

It boils down to this: does your body belong primarily to him or to you?

He thinks the answer is him.
You would like to believe that the answer is you, but you tend to behave as if the answer is him in order to avoid confrontation.

Original poster
FindingSmeagol · 22/08/2016 08:55

My body absolute belongs to me. I'm not of the frame of mind it belongs to him at all. This is really unsettling me. Anything I say now will make him sound like a shot a me like a doormat. I'm not like that.

OP posts: