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Original poster

'Amicable divorce', emotional affair and in-laws

132 replies

AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 06:35

Ok, so DH and I are newly separated, still under the same roof and really not doing too bad considering. He has been messaging some woman; I've seen the messages although he doesn't know this and they're pretty graphic. However what bothers me more is how ego stroking they are and how much they encourage him to see himself as a victim and how much there is now a third person involved so I feel nothing we discuss is now between us, but surely gets run by her too.
This isn't the reason our marriage is splitting up. On the face of it we have a MLC, ' love you but not in love with you', him checking out of our marriage ages ago, but it makes me feel humiliated and like my nose is being rubbed in it. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have read his messages- I looked because he told me it had finished and I felt that wasn't true.

So the main reason I'm now posting is that I'm coming under pressure to attend a major family party with his family very soon and I don't want to go. They think it's all amicable, so don't see any reason why I wouldn't. I'm trying to have a civilised divorce and I think maybe one day it can be amicable, but at the moment I feel heartbroken at the loss of my family life and I don't think I can do it.
What would you all do?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:53

Well done, OP!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/08/2016 08:54

Good luck op, you have us vipers at your back, supporting you all the way Flowers

AyeAmarok · 21/08/2016 08:55

I agree with everyone else, it sounds like he's very manipulative and has managed to do a right number on you, which because he's wrapped it in "we need to be amicable for the DC", you feel you have to go along with it.

He's getting it all his own way. I think you need to start thinking about yourself. He is entirely thinking of himself.

Send a card, explain that you hope they have a lovely time but it would just be too awkward and difficult for you given the new partner caused the breakup of your marriage. Then tell him he needs to leave, asap. No more having his cake and eating it.

Flowers for y. It's tough, but you'll get through it.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 21/08/2016 08:56

In a very similar position, newly separated under the same roof, told kids 1.5 weeks ago & 2 events coming up in his family one in Sept, one in Oct. I have simply said sorry I don't feel up to it or comfortable going and that's it. They accepted it fine.

Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 09:03

Just caught up, O P you need to make some changes today!

Separate bedrooms. No more washing, ironing, cooking for him. Don't include food for him in the weekly shop, just take him out of the picture. Get stuff for you and the kids. He wants to be a single man, he can get some practice in, starting today. No wonder he wants it to 'amicable'! Forget amicable, go for detached and civil. You are 'more separated' from today, but having to live under the same roof. You wouldn't run around for a lodger or flatmate, would you. Get tough. Divorce is hard, stop trying make it easy, because you can't. But you can make it less stressful for you, by detaching.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 09:05

We are in separate rooms- but you're right about the rest Cary! Thanks

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 09:06

Your STBXH needs to understand the difference between 'amicable' and 'civil'. Go for civil if you want to. 'Amicable' means friendly. I wouldn't be friends with someone who lied to me, took me for granted, tried to use me to cover up his wrongdoing to my kids and his family, and expected me to be a cook, cleaner and casual sex partner whilst continuing to do all of the above.

museumum · 21/08/2016 09:11

Tell his family that right now you're too hurt and upset to come but that you really hope that in the future you can attend things together.
I know family really worries about the extended family and that every future celebration will be fraught with drama.

museumum · 21/08/2016 09:12

Sorry posted to soon. Meant to add - you need to let them know you're hurt and not all hunky dory with everything. If you don't you'll always be living a lie. You don't need to go into "what he's done" details.

ravenmum · 21/08/2016 09:16

Just before we broke up there was a big family party. At this point I was convinced there was an OW. He was planning to move out. I actually wanted to go, to see his family once last time as they live far away. I made sure we got separate rooms in the hotel. During dinners etc we sat apart, and I made an effort to speak to all my favourite family members. It was pretty OK. Only trouble was that he drove us there, so we had some necessary contact, and he made that as unpleasant as he possibly could. I had a lot of trouble sleeping so was quite delicate the second day. I should have attended completely separately.

If you don't want to go, though, you dont have to actually torture yourself. Polite and reasonable is fine but you do not have to go any further. Be kind and understanding to yourself and not just everyone else.

Lilacpink40 · 21/08/2016 09:16

Agree with the post on being civil rather than amicable. Personally, when my STBXH went off with OW, I was civil in front of DCs. I've held it together for them about 90% of the time.

Separately I've told him in no uncertain terms what a low-life shithead he really is. I found that empowering and he doesn't even attempt to say controlling statements anymore (it took him weeks to realise I couldn't be played). I will also not be playing happy families to make anyone else feel better.

Good luck for the futureFlowers

MillyMoo1113 · 21/08/2016 09:23

We need to get tough and I intend to play hard ball once I've seen the solicitor tomoro. He might be seeing someone else, he has form, I should have done this 8 years ago tbh. But this time I have no real proof.

He's told his mum, went over last Friday to tell them. I think he is delaying cos he may well have the best of both worlds. He won't find that when he's on the settee!

ravenmum · 21/08/2016 09:24

He didn't actually see why we couldn't keep sharing a bed and why he couldn't have a nightly grope until he moved out.

Pure untouched entitlement. Mine actually asked "What kind of a wife throws her husband out of his bed?" This is the kind of thing that finally drove me to snoop on his emails Sad.

faffalotty · 21/08/2016 09:30

Hi OP

I'm in a similar situation to you (although stbxh is only living partly at home) and started a thread the other day www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2707111-Facebook-profile-picture-what-would-you-think . I can really sympathise with you and find it interesting to see through yours and others posts how similar patterns occur in relationships going through break up. I get the impression that like me, you put others before yourself and like to try and keep everyone happy?

We agreed to keep things amicable, but when I think about it that really favours him (the one who has lied and cheated) and I can see that our relationship is still following the same pattern as during our marriage where he has the power and if I ever question it, he appears hard done by and I back down. This is all very subtle and I'm not even sure that it is a conscious act by him, it's just how he now naturally acts. Has this been the case in your relationship?

I've not got any family gatherings to attend, but he did go to visit his parents last week and messaged me saying his mum wanted to know what I wanted for my birthday and also that she wanted a link to the house I'm buying. I just find it very uncomfortable to carry on any relationship with his parents as they seem to interpret 'amicable' as 'nothing has really changed'. I did tell him that it wasn't fair for me to effectively keep covering for him, so he said he's told his parents the breakup is his fault, but with no details. So no doubt, they've responded with 'I'm sure it wasn't all your fault, these things happen blah blah...'

I definitely don't think you should be going to the family event - personally I would find it a huge emotional strain. Tell them you can't and don't give them any opportunity to persuade you otherwise.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 09:32

Raven- not just me then. They're unbelievable

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 21/08/2016 09:50

Lots of wise words from PPs. I seem to remember that there is a legal definition of being separated which is determined according to whether you eat together, sleep together, etc etc. I can't remember why this is important in the scenario where you're still living under the same roof, but perhaps someone else could throw more light on this?

Good luck, OP - as others have said I think you need to abandon the "amicable" and go for "civilised".

Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 10:04

My solicitor told me that I could start getting tax credits as soon as I told her we were separated, but still in the same house. I applied and they were back dated to the day I had my first appointment with her. Sol asked me if we were in separate bedrooms (hell yes!!), and if we ate together, so yes, Optimist, I think that's right.

faffalotty · 21/08/2016 12:31

Thanks for pointing that out cary. I got the forms a while ago to be ready for when I move, I've just got them out and read them and see that you can claim individually as long as you aren't living as a married couple.

Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 12:34

Get claiming faffalotty, and get them backdated! Good luck.

faffalotty · 21/08/2016 12:40

Yes I will. Thanks!

SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 12:53

I've been doing everything I usually do. He didn't actually see why we couldn't keep sharing a bed and why he couldn't have a nightly grope until he moved out.

That ends now. As they say when dealing with a cheating cake eater "put on your bitch boots" and show him you're no pushover.

Here are a pair for you.

'Amicable divorce', emotional affair and in-laws
Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 12:56

Ready boots...get walking...

Mummydummy · 21/08/2016 13:20

I'm not sure I understand what amicable means. The end of such a significant relationship is always difficult and wrenching and being asked to put on a front for everyone else is not kind or fair on you. People are quite naive to expect you to. Amicable is a place you want to get to over time. Its trying, with dignity, to manage things well for your and the children's sake. I've managed it well - school shows, parents evenings, birthday dinners for the kids, but I wouldn't want to do anything more than that. We have never socialised together.

Send the card and explain, 'however hard we are trying to make this an amicable break it is still necessarily difficult and painful for us and I couldn't personally put myself or the children under that strain - though I would very much like to share in your celebrations and give my warmest love and affection to you all.' Be honest.

On other things - well if you are separated what he does with the other women is none of your business. Sorry that sounds harsh but I'm thinking of your self preservation. Disconnect. Don't look. Move on. Who cares? The fact you know he's lying is horrid - but its a useless drain on your resources. Its underlines why you shouldn't be together - why its a good decision. You should apply all your energies to your life, to things you want to do, making yourself happy, your simple pleasures and things to look forward to, your flirtations, whatever. He's history. Get him out of the house and move on. Which is why you don't have to go to the family party - because you dont want to and it wont make you happy. Thats all that you have to worry about now. You are not beholden to anyone. Feel the freedom and enjoy it.

I'm still in bed and its lunchtime. I'm doing what I please and no one but me to judge me. (Though I do need to get up now...!)

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 13:23

Thank you!! ( not sure I could walk in those boots!)
Letter written to send tomorrow. I think I've worded it so there's no room for discussion.
Will move on with the rest of it ASAP

OP posts:
bikerlou · 21/08/2016 13:33

I'm afraid that's exactly how I'd do it HughLaurie's. Sod that. There will be no family gatherings for the forseeable future.

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