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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Amicable divorce', emotional affair and in-laws

132 replies

AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 06:35

Ok, so DH and I are newly separated, still under the same roof and really not doing too bad considering. He has been messaging some woman; I've seen the messages although he doesn't know this and they're pretty graphic. However what bothers me more is how ego stroking they are and how much they encourage him to see himself as a victim and how much there is now a third person involved so I feel nothing we discuss is now between us, but surely gets run by her too.
This isn't the reason our marriage is splitting up. On the face of it we have a MLC, ' love you but not in love with you', him checking out of our marriage ages ago, but it makes me feel humiliated and like my nose is being rubbed in it. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have read his messages- I looked because he told me it had finished and I felt that wasn't true.

So the main reason I'm now posting is that I'm coming under pressure to attend a major family party with his family very soon and I don't want to go. They think it's all amicable, so don't see any reason why I wouldn't. I'm trying to have a civilised divorce and I think maybe one day it can be amicable, but at the moment I feel heartbroken at the loss of my family life and I don't think I can do it.
What would you all do?

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ShipwreckedAndComatose · 22/08/2016 21:56

Don't though. The whole point of relationships and marriage is that you trust your partner. totally. And that doesn't just switch off suddenly.

I can remember that moment when I did realise my ex was, in fact, a total stranger to me and behaving in ways I could not predict.

He did this. Not you.

AyeAmarok · 22/08/2016 22:00

Don't feel like a mug.

It was a marriage, you're not supposed to have to think things like this are going on.

Be very proud of yourself for having those first difficult conversations.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 22/08/2016 22:22

I've just read back through - almost unanimous. Wow, the wisdom of mumsnet.

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Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 00:40

He' s gtone out. Told me he's gone out with her ( didn't want to know) Said he wasn't going to be late. Dd knows where he is and is not happy. Quite clearly he's out screwing OW isn't he. I don't know this man anymore. I know we've agreed to separate, but really? Behaving like this when we're still under the same roof. How the hell can this be amicable ?

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Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 01:08

And now I'm too wound up to sleep.

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AyeAmarok · 28/08/2016 07:23

That's really cruel and selfish of him Sad Is he trying to rub it in your face?

This man is not your friend anymore. He's not on your team, working with you for the collective good of your family. He's very much on his own team; what he wants is the priority and to hell with the consequences on anyone else.

It's time to batten down the hatches and do the best you can for yourself and your DC.

I hope you managed to get some sleep Flowers

LippyLiz · 28/08/2016 08:21

Hi again x

I have just been catching ip on your thread as I've had a tough few days myself. There are quite a few of us all going through the same thing with similar sounding STBXH's. It's heartbreaking. I have wobbles and I keep reading through other posters threads to give me strength. Mine is being emotionally manipulative with eldest DD at mo, trying to show how much he loves me and misses me and then when she told him I wouldn't forgive him anytime soon, he emails me about taking half finances etc, which benefits him more immensely.

I feel for you that he's still in the home and behaving like this. At least mine left (this week for the final time). You are doing so well, as we all are, it's incredibly painful when the person you loved and trusted does this and then trys to manipulate you more into being amicable and fair. I've counter proposed a different financial split and I feel bad and guilty for it but as I've read, why should I help pay for him to have no mortgage and to live comfortably when he's betrayed me and is willing to saddle me and DDs with debt.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 08:28

He did come home about 2:30. I know we're separated, but does he really have to rub my nose in it?
I've done better this week, sorted some financial and other stuff, done some nice things with the kids. Then he does that and I feel on a back foot again. I know detach, but it's not so easy, is it?
I'm shocked how many of us are I the same boat.
Liz - I e read your thread and your financial proposal sounds fair to me and in line with the sort of split my solicitor was saying too.

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LippyLiz · 28/08/2016 09:11

No it's not easy to detach at all, I'm getting there, so long as I don't know what he's doing, but I can't help but wonder. Hopefully that'll pass soon.

Is he showing signs of moving out? You need to make life pretty uncomfortable for him so that he doesn't want to be there. How are the DCs, I can't remember if you've said how old they are? Anyhow if they are of an older age (mine 11 and 13) him doing this whilst under their roof won't go down well. Mine would be absolutely livid and would destroy the relationship even more...

poppledopple · 28/08/2016 09:16

This is hideous. He needs to leave right now. This is not a situation that you want to model for your DD so that she believes that this is acceptable behaviour by a DH/DF and that she should keep smiling when a man checks out of the marriage and destroys the family (doesnt matter if it was EA or PA) and carrys on shagging the OW while you are all still under the same roof.

This will kill / pollute you emotionally and turn you into the mother you dont want to be.

You agreed an amicable temporary set up post separation but he has since moved the goal posts - so this needs now to be renegotiated - ie he needs to be told that he needs to leave asap. What were the timelines originally for his departure. He needs to move out now for your MH which will impact your chldren
I

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 09:20

Yes, that's how I feel Popple, exactly.
Now I just have to do it.

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Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 09:28

Time to put Sandy's bitch boots on!

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LippyLiz · 28/08/2016 09:57

Think I'll join you Wink

poppledopple · 28/08/2016 10:05

You need to protect yourself and your DD/DC from this seething ticking time bomb - he is boiling the frog. You have no requirement here for leeway or compromises - he has burnt that amicable bridge by his v v entitled and disrespectful and flaunting behaviour to you and your DD/DC during the marriage....how dare he sit next to your DD and text graphic shit to the OW.

But you can do this efficiently and calmly and be in control.

What are the steps you need to take?

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 12:03

I've told him I need him to move out. He said when the place he's organising goes through. I've said now.
I can't actually make him though, can I, if he won't. I can make it less comfortable for him to be here though.

According to him this is my fault for refusing to accept the status quo any longer- ie refusing to be a doormat for the rest of my life.

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Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 12:03

Go Liz Flowers

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Helmetbymidnight · 28/08/2016 12:04

He's a shit- treating you badly is one thing- expecting you to like it is another...

AyeAmarok · 28/08/2016 12:15

According to him this is my fault for refusing to accept the status quo any longer

The only response to this is a very unemotional "yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel like less of a shit".

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 12:19

I'll use that Aye because it's a lot shorter than what I keep saying which isn't registering anyway!

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Cary2012 · 28/08/2016 12:51

Stop cooking for him, leave his laundry in the washing basket, just ignore his stuff.

My breaking point was when we had agreed to separate but agreed we could stick it for a couple of months so daughters finished their A levels.

But he really rubbed my nose in it, I hated being in the same house as him, he was like a stranger, so cold and cruel.

He stayed out two nights, no warning, didn't tell me just went to work on the Monday and came home the Wednesday night. I couldn't stick another minute of being treated like a mug. I threw him out. He stayed in a B&B. I honestly don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't left.

Yes, make home as uncomfortable as you can. It's awful for you.

poppledopple · 28/08/2016 12:53

What are the timelines for his place being ready? Surely he can find a friend/short term accommodation in the interim?

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 28/08/2016 15:16

8 weeks I reckon😓 He's acting like I haven't said anything now.

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poppledopple · 29/08/2016 09:46

That takes you to NOVEMBER - you cant do this. You need to let him know that as he is now involved with someone else (EA/PA) that it is not reasonable for him to be in the home.

LippyLiz · 29/08/2016 10:04

I agree, if he had a pair, he'd leave.

He wants the best of both worlds. Sounds like he's not ready to leave you or the home (just like mine) but yet he knows that he can have OW and there's nothing you can do. He's an arrogant twonk. Make it so uncomfortable for him to be there.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 29/08/2016 17:12

We had a major discussion around boundaries last night. His attitude is totally different today, much better. If I can't make him move out ( and I can't ) then maybe I just have to keep enforcing this, as well as not making it too comfortable at home.
Yes Liz, so much like yours. How are you today?

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