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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Amicable divorce', emotional affair and in-laws

132 replies

AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 06:35

Ok, so DH and I are newly separated, still under the same roof and really not doing too bad considering. He has been messaging some woman; I've seen the messages although he doesn't know this and they're pretty graphic. However what bothers me more is how ego stroking they are and how much they encourage him to see himself as a victim and how much there is now a third person involved so I feel nothing we discuss is now between us, but surely gets run by her too.
This isn't the reason our marriage is splitting up. On the face of it we have a MLC, ' love you but not in love with you', him checking out of our marriage ages ago, but it makes me feel humiliated and like my nose is being rubbed in it. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have read his messages- I looked because he told me it had finished and I felt that wasn't true.

So the main reason I'm now posting is that I'm coming under pressure to attend a major family party with his family very soon and I don't want to go. They think it's all amicable, so don't see any reason why I wouldn't. I'm trying to have a civilised divorce and I think maybe one day it can be amicable, but at the moment I feel heartbroken at the loss of my family life and I don't think I can do it.
What would you all do?

OP posts:
Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 08:02

I haven't been involved in telling his family- he's the one that's told them we're still going to be best friends. I was honest to the DC's, based on information I had at the time. The OW bit came out after because he arranged to go out for dinner with her the day after we told them as ' just friends' and then he told me all about it when he came back because I guess it's force of habit.
MillyMoo I've had similar suggestions about Sunday dinner except they include me making it first. He can get knotted on that one!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:05

MillieMoo: Sounds like he hasn't told his family. Has he been cheating on you? I get so irate when people behave like absolute twats then expect the people they have hurt to cover up for them and accommodate them even further.

Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:09

OP, based on your update he sounds even worse - coming home after blatantly lying to you ('just friends'? With the woman you'd just found out he was having an affair with?) and then expecting to talk to you about his evening? He may be trying to erode your boundaries so you will accept an open marriage/him living at home so he sees the kids/you cooking and cleaning for him type of situation, in my very humble opinion. I would be surprised if he had any intention of moving out at all. Either that, or he and the other woman are getting some serious financial ducks in order before he jumps ship. I would not be having any of it.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 08:11

I don't think so Trifle but he's been messaging her for months while sitting next to my daughter on our sofa. She let that slip when she found out who he was going to dinner with. He's been managing to talk endlessly to her while refusing to talk to me.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 08:14

OP, I get that you read his messages for confirmation of the O W, I would have done the same.

When me ex and I planned to separate, we initially planned to live in the same house for three months. It was bloody awful. Like walking in limbo on eggshells. Things got to breaking point, after two weeks I kicked him out. The relief was palpable.

You must, and Milly Moo, who is in a similar situation, put boundaries in place. These men, well my ex certainly, will stay as long as they can, because they want the best of both worlds. Still in the family home, still having their washing/meals done. And, people still think they are the good guys. That myth needs blowing right out of the water. Stop doing household stuff, I can still remember ex's bewildered look when there were no freshly laundered shirts ready. No more meals when he got home! Make it apparent that he's looking after himself now.The biggest thing to do right now is tell people the truth. Don't enable him to be the good guy in his families eyes. The stress will push you over the edge. I did this, I put on a front with friends and both our families. Crying on the inside, heartbroken, but smiling happily on the outside. You need and deserve support, and they need to face up to what they've done, and if that means a grilling and an ear bashing off their loved ones, bring it on. It's the price they have to pay.

I've waffled, apologies. In a nutshell, make living with you uncomfortable, tell people the truth and lean on them. And most importantly of all, get the best solicitor you can to push ahead with divorce. Put yourself first. Detach. Good luck, I got through it, so you certainly can x

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 08:14

Poor you, this really sounds horrible and of course it's painful.

I think you need to stop communicating with his family through him, and start talking directly - he's told them about the divorce and obviously given a wrong picture. I think I'd email something like 'It's so kind of you to want me there, and I appreciate the support. But, given the circumstances of [me and STBex-H's] divorce, I just don't think it would be appropriate right now. Maybe later when feelings are less raw.'

That way you're not saying anything specific about what he has done, but also making it clear that there is more to it than he has given them to understand.

Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:16

So he is still involved with the OW? To be honest, I would be inclined to take a step back from that issue anyway. I would just say, look, we are getting divorced. Please move your stuff by X date (his problem where to) and get a decent solicitor to sort out finances and contact if needed. He is getting away with murder here.

Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:17

"I can still remember ex's bewildered look when there were no freshly laundered shirts ready. No more meals when he got home."

😂

Mrscaindingle · 21/08/2016 08:17

Sorry you are going through this but pp are right, you need to start getting tough and start thinking about what you want and make some plans for yourself.

I understand wanting to protect your DC from being more hurt than they already are but you don't have to protect his image to anyone else. Tell people what's going on and get him to move out pronto so that you can start to come to terms with this.

Have you had legal advice? Because from what you have written your ex sounds like he will want everything his own way, my ex promised the world initially which over time became only what he is legally entitled to pay. He even tried to get a minute of agreement drawn up which prevented me from ever going to the CSA/CSM in the future.

Get him out of the house as he is getting to chase OW without dealing with the realities of splitting up. Good luck.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/08/2016 08:19

So 'amicable' means 'not blaming him' then?

He is getting you to collude in hiding his guilt from his friends and family.

I agree with setting up boundaries and also with talking to the inlaws directly. I agree that you need to get him out as the terms of this 'amicable' divorce have changed now you know about the OW. This is so unfair on you, making you feel guilty for stirring up problems and making you feel like the bad guy in this.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/08/2016 08:21

Just trying to be clear here: you didn't know anything at all about the OW until after you'd agreed to separate and told the children? If that is the case then your dh is a revolting little maggot and you are well shot. Fuck amicable! Tell his family that you are sorry but you won't be going to the party as you are no longer a couple. Simple as. Feel for you op Flowers

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 08:25

I have got an excellent solicitor. We are meant to be starting mediation over finances shortly. I want to negotiate grounds for unreasonable behaviour to get it over and done with. If he won't do that I might mention ow.
I keep telling myself to get a grip, honestly!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:26

Why is he reluctant to mention the OW in the divorce? It makes no difference to any outcome, it's just the truth.

Wolpertinger · 21/08/2016 08:27

Ah, so your posts make it clear your ex hasn't a clue what divorce actually is except it should have no consequences for him at all because he's panicking he's ruined a good thing. Ideally he'd like to continue his family life with you exactly as it was plus shag his new woman too - and you'll go along with it to keep it 'amicable' and not upset the kids Hmm

Get your message out and stop him controlling the information. Like as not, he's told his parents a pile of bullshit. Just ring them up and say you like them very much but obviously now is not the time for you to be going to family parties with him seeing as he has a new partner bet they don't even know or come round for Sunday lunch as usually as you are no longer a couple. Same for anyone else you used to as a couple who is more his friend than yours. Make sure your truth is known because his version will be that he is a living saint.

And get a solicitor if you haven't done so already. And copies of every bit of paperwork in the house.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 08:30

Bibbity I knew she existed, I knew she fancied him the first time she came over and introduced herself. He claimed she was just a friend and not the sort of person he would ever be attracted to ( protest too much?)

OP posts:
Brankolium · 21/08/2016 08:34

Surely amicable means being nice and remaining friendly. Texting his OW and ignoring you isn't being nice, it's just pretending to.

That's not to say you need to make it nasty; there's a lot to be gained by both of you letting a few things slide in order to keep things pleasant for the kids. But there needs to be a trade-off for that to happen. He needs to be respectful of your feelings while you are living under one roof! Could you point that out in a non-confrontational way? Something a long the lines of:

"I know we are trying to keep this amicable for the kids, and I think that's a great plan. However, that requires some mutual respect. If you would like things to remain pleasant I really need you to either move out of this house to carry on with your OW (I know your are in touch), or knock it properly on the head while we sort all this out. Otherwise you are not being amicable, you are being cruel and leaving me to do all the compromising."

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/08/2016 08:35

wolpertinger is exactly right. From experience, I would say you absolutely have no idea what he has been telling other people. If he is lying to you and omitting telling you things, then he is with others.

Tell the family that you are sad not to be able attend but also feel it would be too difficult under the circumstances, given his new partner. Tell them directly, don't leave it to him. And don't feel you need to give them any more information than this as that would be his responsibility.

Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:37

Brankolium: I would agree with this 100% if her husband hadn't already shown himself to be incapable of behaving with respect, or like an adult. He is a proven liar, so an approach like that will just be a cue for him to tell more lies, unfortunately. The problem here is that the OP is fundamentally decent and expects others to be decent as well. And he just isn't, he's a dick.

12purpleapples · 21/08/2016 08:38

Your situation sounds really difficult. Are you keeping things entirely separate in the house, ie doing nothing for him? Thats not being mean or petty, that would just be the reality of the circumstances you are in now.

I think as others have said, being friendly or amicable is something that may come in time. A marital breakup is traumatic and you will probably find that as you process your feelings around it you will probably feel a lot more negative about him, and then after that maybe move back to a more neutral position.
Its inappropriate for you to go to his family event. My ex is like this too, trying to minimise what separation and divorce mean.
Good luck, it sounds like you are doing great, but don't forget your own needs in all this.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/08/2016 08:39

He claimed she was just a friend and not the sort of person he would ever be attracted to ( protest too much?)

So you knew she existed and was attracted to him...... but you didn't know that she was OW having an emotional affair with your husband at best and a full affair at worst?

I agree with you, he has been lying to you and covering up exactly when she came on the scene as someone he was being unfaithful with.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 08:39

I do hope you've stopped doing the things a wife would for him. Like cooking /laundry or whatever else you did.

Don't go to the event.

Brankolium · 21/08/2016 08:44

True Trifle.

Sorry OP Flowers it's a horrible situation for you. Living together needs to end quickly for you sanity.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 21/08/2016 08:49

Ha ha- no I've been doing everything I usually do. He didn't actually see why we couldn't keep sharing a bed and why he couldn't have a nightly grope until he moved out.
Right, I think I have rediscovered my backbone so I will go and take some action and call back in later!
Thank you all so much Flowers

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 21/08/2016 08:49

I agree with setting up boundaries and also with talking to the inlaws directly. I agree that you need to get him out as the terms of this 'amicable' divorce have changed now you know about the OW. This is so unfair on you, making you feel guilty for stirring up problems and making you feel like the bad guy in this.

^This.

I'd also stop asking him when he's going to leave. He's not leaving. He's stringing this out as long as possible. I think you need to give him a deadline. Considering his behaviour and that he could go to his mum's or the OW my deadline would be very short like yesterday. But that's just me....

Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 08:52

Glad you have a solicitor OP. Tell him you are divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour, and he needs to move out by a set date. You need to do this for your own piece of mind. Get control, he is, like other posters said, holding too many cards here.

If he doesn't agree, tell him you will change the grounds to adultery. Whether you do or not is irrelevant; you need to hold a mirror up to this weak, selfish man, and force him to accept the truth.

Your head will be so much clearer when he moves out, I promise.