'Amicable divorce', emotional affair and in-laws

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

Ok, so DH and I are newly separated, still under the same roof and really not doing too bad considering. He has been messaging some woman; I've seen the messages although he doesn't know this and they're pretty graphic. However what bothers me more is how ego stroking they are and how much they encourage him to see himself as a victim and how much there is now a third person involved so I feel nothing we discuss is now between us, but surely gets run by her too.
This isn't the reason our marriage is splitting up. On the face of it we have a MLC, ' love you but not in love with you', him checking out of our marriage ages ago, but it makes me feel humiliated and like my nose is being rubbed in it. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have read his messages- I looked because he told me it had finished and I felt that wasn't true.

So the main reason I'm now posting is that I'm coming under pressure to attend a major family party with his family very soon and I don't want to go. They think it's all amicable, so don't see any reason why I wouldn't. I'm trying to have a civilised divorce and I think maybe one day it can be amicable, but at the moment I feel heartbroken at the loss of my family life and I don't think I can do it.
What would you all do?

I really hope you have found your backbone now because so far your version of "amicable" has meant he gets no consequences and you act like a doormat

Amicable only works when both parties are equally fair and reasonable. Otherwise it just means the injured party has to ship up and it up. I would sing like a fucking canary. No way would I be protecting the reputation of a bloke like this underthreat of what, exactly ?. Who gives a fuck what he thinks, nor his family and your kids need the truth not to see an example of utter manpleasing right under their noses.

*put up and shut up

You don't need to walk in those boots OP, a swift kick up his amicable backside will suffice.

And well done for writing the letter.

Yep. Their not for walking, hence the spikes to give him a swift one up the rear like Cary said.

In those circumstances no way would I go to a party with him and his family! You don't want to g so don't you please don't be guilted into this you'll be a mug if you go.

It's so good you've come on here, OP

I agree he has done a number on you, and it's to your credit that you've been trying to do the best for your children. But in the long run it's to in their interests and certainly not yours to let him call all the shots.

You are doing really well

You must be going through an emotional wringer continuously. It must be truly difficult just getting from one day to the next. I think you're right not to go.
At some point, it's a good idea to be nice to his family. They're still related to your children and having lines of communication might be helpful in the future. For now though, just trying to get through each day is as much as you can expect of yourself. Playing happy families is too much for anybody.

I'm going to go against the grain slightly, not re going to the family party but wrt being under the same roof etc.

When me and eXH split we lived in the same house for eight months while we waited for things such as finance etc to go through. It was hard, very hard but apart from ourselves we had DS to consider. I still did the shopping, the cooking etc, because eXH came home at around dinner time and to make a specific point of not cooking for him in front of DS would have seemed incredibly spiteful and brought DS into a situation where he had to witness very deliberate exclusion iyswim.

We no longer did family days out and DS understood that this was because we weren't together any more, even to the point that eXH took DS to his family for New Year and I took him to mine just before Christmas. We slept in separate bedrooms and eXH did his own ironing. But stuff which included meals etc we did do together.

There is a middle ground between being best friends and Sworn enemies at this stage.

WRT your eXH's family I would just say to them as you are newly separated you don't feel it would be appropriate for you to go but that you wish them all the best. I wouldn't be talking about the OW or making reference in that area. They're his family, and from the sounds of it they still hold you in some regard. He's already told them his side and while it won't be what you would have told them they're never going to take your side in this and it could possibly alienate you from them. You don't have to be married to him but I would stay on decent terms with his family for your DC's sake. They haven't actually done anything wrong. And obviously he will still be able to take the DC to the party.

WRT reading his messages, you're not together. You have no place reading his messages. And to whoever suggested telling him that if he doesn't move to change the divorce to adultery it's not that simple. Adultery has to be admitted or proven. If he hasn't slept with this woman then it's not adultery, and even if he has, he has to admit having done so. it's far better to go down the unreasonable behaviour route at this stage.

I'm close to his family. I've made a lot of effort with them over the years and also them with me, so I don't want to cut them off. I just can't cope with this do. I will talk to them tomorrow and explain, but I'm not going to change my mind.
What needs to happen is for him to move out at which point everything else will become clearer. I'll give him a bit longer to sort that.

With respect Wannabe your ex may have been reasonable and respectful, which is the only way I can imagine living with your ex. The ops ex does not sound as though he has regard for her at all which is why she cannot allow him to ride rough shod over her and what is best for her.

I have a very entitled ex who expects to make all the decisions and for me to fall in line with whatever he wants. As some sage once said on here you cannot reason with the unreasonable. I agree with not trying to influence his family as they will take his side even if he is a complete shit, but there are men who see reasonableness as weakness and many women fall in to the trap of trying to be reasonable so as not to be painted as the bitter ex who is taking him for every penny and stops him seeing his kids.

There is nothing wrong/bad about having a quiet word with one of his family "Now STBXH is seeing xx I am just not able to do "family" things anymore it is just too painful. I'm sure you understand I need some space"

Amicable seems to equal nothing changes and you get to run round him like his maid still. Don't do a scrap for him. Thinking he could still sleep with you and grope you?! I'd have kicked the fucker into touch right there.

Amicable also seems to mean no fault and he can do sad eyes at his family. Best to set them straight, OP, well done.

OP, you owe him nothing.
What's all this I'll give him longer rubbish?
He isn't going anywhere as he has no reason to go.
You'll have to kick his sorry ass out before you are able to move on from the sham he has turned your life into. for you, please just ask him to leave now.

Believe me I set him straight on the bed thing, we're in separate rooms. I've come a long way. I asked for change- he didn't want to. I gave him a deadline and when he wouldn't do anything I got a solicitor, opened a bank account, started to collect stuff together.
Yes, I need to toughen up and stop expecting him to behave as I think he should. I'll keep working on it.

Guess what! You've got plans that day! Really great that he'll be able to take the kids to see his family! You won't need to find a babysitter!! But you're busy...will send a card to them though- to say thanks- that's no bother!!

It is good to be friendly for the kids sake. 18 months on it has been VERY VERY hard sometimes to be friendly with my cheatingdirty exH. But amicable doesn't mean being a door mat. Amicable is being fair financially, not saying nasty things about him to the kids. Tell the truth to all adult, like his friends though and family though. If he will not admit the truth when told in a calm and polite way- then he is not being amicable.

Have faith that his family and friends will see through any pretence. In fact- they really might not like 'being lied to' if you do keep with this show. Also know- there's every chance they'll forgive him and let him move onto OW without a fuss. Sadly- he is their son/brother- and blood is often thicker even if he's not worth it.

It is very sad that your family as you know it, has come apart. You are allowed to be sad about that and grieve. You don't need to put on a show. But be brave- there's love and life in the world beyond this man. You have kids and new dreams- a different sort of family life waiting for you. Don't let him and his demands hold you back.
Mx

He has been having an affair. He openly went out to dinner with her the day after you told family about the break up.

This isn't the reason our marriage is splitting up. On the face of it we have a MLC, ' love you but not in love with you', him checking out of our marriage ages ago

Wrong. You ARE breaking up because of OW. He had an affair and dumped you for her. Except he wanted to stay with you for nightly gropes and housewifery while giving the love and attention to her.

You aren't angry enough.

Thanks for the encouragement people. I've had a few difficult conversations, but I've made it clear I'm not going and I've been truthful about why. And they were surprised- it was totally news to them!

Well there's a big surprise!!!

Well done to getting those difficult conversations done

Ok, I'm excessively trusting. Haven't ended a relationship for a couple of decades though

It's so sad when those of us who trust and expect the good in others are let down so badly.

it's sad when those of us who are trusting and see the good in people are let down so badly.

Posted twice!! Oops, the computer crashed out the first time and I didn't think it had worked.

It's ok, I feel a mug.