Hi all
Please bear with me, this is quite an essay.
I met my girlfriend while married (not proud) and we both separated from partners to be together. I have two children from the marriage. We followed each other round hotels with my work and the first year or two was great, proper steamy romance the turned into love. we moved in together and although good, cracks appeared and I was kicked out for six weeks, while I got my own bank and put in to the house. She then became close mates with our neighbour about six years older with four kids of his own, he was living with his girlfriend and still is, although fast forward and they’ve moved about ten miles from us now. She fell pregnant and our baby was born, only then were the other kids allowed near. My partner never wanted kids full stop so this was huge for her. Nothing has been done right and I’ve taken the brunt, add to that she has huge past issues (lost her brother in Afghan, abuse as a child) and you can see she’s pretty messed up anyway without my input! We’ve given it one last shot for years but there hasn't been intimacy in the relationship for three years since our girl, and probably been really close four times in the last year. Just when I get close, something pushes her back and I’m back to square one frustrated. We knew we were close to the end with arguments along these lines, and I’d been working away every week when suddenly a text from the next door neighbour arrived at 11pm one night, just friends she said. Work carried on and a few weeks later I came home to a fine letter showing her car in a pub car park for four hours while I was away and our girl was at nannies. I quizzed her and she said she met the old neighbour (she didn’t have to say him, it could have been anyone). She swore on lives it was just mates and I got over that, but then intrigue got the better of me a week later and I checked her phone (again, not proud) where i saw deleted screen shots of messages between the two where HE declared how he felt and there was a message from him saying he “couldn’t help it, devil on his shoulder” and that hed found her “sexy and fit for years” there was a deleted selfie from him (just smiling) and my mrs has tried to send a legitimate selfie back to him (about 15 deleted selfies, she says not used) but obviously didn’t feel confident to send one. I approached the subject and she told me they met two weeks later (little girl at nannies again) but this time they mistakenly kissed at the goodbye stage (lips sealed, longer than a peck) she said she didn’t say anything as she was trying to forget (again, she didn’t need to own up to the kiss, I didn’t have a clue) but this one has really hurt. She’s just started a course of anti depressants and I’m talking to a counsellor about my insecurities and trust, plus relationship OCD. I love this woman so much and want it all to be mates who made an error. After a week of her meds she called a separation while we both sort our heads, and then “if we’re meant to be it’ll happen” kind of thing. So now I’m in the process of moving out, her meds have kicked in on the second week and she’s back to her old self, albeit in fits and spurts. She’s showed signs of amazing happiness at how I’ve learned from previous mistakes and the house is working again, we’ve been amazing and chatted and giggled etc, regularly cuddling and pecks on the lips despite us separating. It’s worth noting I contacted the blokes partner to ask him to call me and she didn’t reply, despite being a friendly girl. He kicked off at my partner saying he’d already told her and this had caused more issues and that I shouldn’t have contacted her (if he hadn’t told her, she would have replied surely, so could be the case he has?) my partner says she will still message him and won’t be dictated to by anyone who she meets, she only has a couple of friends anyway.
I guess I’m asking, do I trust my partner is going to get the help she needs and sit tight in my new place trusting it was a genuine error mainly fuelled by his feelings towards her, how I’ve made her feel for years, and two vulnerable people have made an error, and maybe she’s even enjoyed the attention, also seeing the signs that show she could want me back, or do I move out next week and let whatever happens happen with them two? I’m in the mindset that I’ve been shunned so that she can explore what was beginning with him but with no challenge, but then I think I’ve seen enough to show she is coming back to me, wants to forget the kiss and stay friends with him, but has to park me as she cannot concentrate on her mental health and a relationship with me around doing the same? It’s worth noting she is very remorseful for what she did in terms of no intimacy shown for years (her mindset is she has nothing to give to anyone, body hangups post pregnancy and obviously depression, doesn’t even tell me exciting day stuff, and now letting me down with the old neighbour.
Help, I’m losing the woman I love and no matter what I say or do, I’m making it worse with these unwanted thoughts of what happened that night and could still be?
The more I pick up on her good days and random ‘false hopes’ as progress for the future, the more she slams me down with the “see what happens” line.
Just want her back and to be able to trust nothing is going on. I never had this issue for the five years before today, but now I cringe when she says she’s going for a drive or going out with her only other mate (female) I do trust her but hate the thought of being played while trying to change myself, and the moment I’m gone she’s gonna meet him again.
Any help appreciated
😢