You've bullied me in to marrying you

[rhubarbandpear]

So this is what my partner said to me last night.

We have been together for nearly 9 years. I have only recently seriously broached the subject of marriage (but it has been something we have talked about being "in the future" for years). He keeps coming up with reasons for why we can't marry in the next few years, keeps shifting the goal posts. But on holiday this year we saw a wedding venue we both loved and could see ourselves getting married in. He somehow agreed for us to put our names down for a date in 2018. He now says that I have given him a deadline for him to propose by, effectively an ultimatum. He says that I am bullying him into marriage.

Cost isn't an issue- my parents will be paying for most of the wedding which will only be an intimate one anyway. I let him do his own thing - he is going travelling in Peru with his mate later this year (which is costing him a lot of money) and I haven't battered an eyelid. He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I don't want to marry him after accusing me of bullying him into it. I have been fair to him and feel like he's taking me for granted. Am I being too sensitive over that comment? I feel like I should just walk out on this relationship. :(

I have no friends because, for various reasons (none of which relate to my partner) I have no self esteem, and have spent the past five years moving around opposite ends of the country (for partner's work). I struggle to make friends mostly due to self esteem

Seven years in a relationship where you feel undervalued and not shown love, will do that to your self esteem. Moving to totally new areas for someone else's benefit when you struggle to make friends, will do that to you too.

You're feeling older than you are and feeling under time pressure for your future because you've invested such a long time with this man. The initial gloss has definitely gone off the relationship, but it doesn't sound like there's too much underneath to secure it.

I agree with the sunken costs fallacy here and really think you could have a much happier and brighter future starting over. I say that not to be cruel but because I have a DC who was in a similar situation. Eventually they wised up and ended it and although it was a bit miserable at first, it gave time to develop as an individual and find fresh happiness.

Don't buy into the sunken costs fallacy.

' I will soon be 30 and I know I will want kids in the next five years but I am starting to think he will resist this too. '

He will because he doesn't want to marry you or have kids with you. EVER.

STOP wasting your time.

I did at that age. Now I'm married and have had three children. I could be childfree not by choice and miserable had I wasted more time.

It's so good to read the responses on here, I am in a similar situation except my dp has been absolutely honest that he doesn't want to get married. I have decided that i do, and we have decided to go our seperate ways.

Please have some dignity and do the same.

So it took years for him to make you feel loved? Don't waste anymore time on him.

I know I will want kids in the next five years but I am starting to think he will resist this too.

Why would you even be contemplating marriage unless you already knew his position on kids in the future? And given his comments over the marriage, how could you trust him now even if he said he did want kids? This is too important just to use the "cross fingers and hope" method of life planning.

Use the new job as a natural break and go find someone who will respect you.

My sil wasted years on two really crappy relationships.she tried to change these men she is now 49 and it's game over for kids unfortunately. She is now so bitter about life she has driven away some of her friends.

I wasted 8 years on a similar asshole. Left the relationship at 29 and met and got married to my amazing husband 2 years later. He was holidaying in my country and I moved to UK 6 months later after he proposed. We've been married 11 years and have a beautiful daughter. All this to say it's not too late but it could be if you don't free yourself up to meet someone amazing.

OP, this guy does not want to marry you or have kids with you. Don't waste your life on him. Like Mittensonastring's sil.

Project yourself forward to five years.
Are you going to be sat on your own with a baby and no support from your DH because 'you bullied him into marriage and it was YOUR decision to have a baby'?
If there's even the slightest chance of this leave leave leave.
You have time to find someone else. Someone who deserves you.

You're not even 30! Why are you writing yourself off? He's waving red flags so Maybe splitting is the best thing. He might realise he took you for granted, or your self esteem could shoot up again and you could meet somebody who is perfect for you. You never know. But you can't carry on when he's accusing you of bullying marriage. It's setting it up to fail. You deserve better. You know you do.

rhubarbandpear
I was looking for something else on Mumsnet and came across your thread. Did you go on to marry him ?

I read the thread and it seems you understand you must move on. I just wanted to say I was in similar with the resentment and all of that. I get how you feel but being out of such a toxic relationship now, I can tell you the grass is so much greener. Find your grass, girl!

Oops! I read the date of this thread and thought it was only a few days ago. I only now see the year. Sorry! It's late where I am. :/