Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You've bullied me in to marrying you

138 replies

rhubarbandpear · 12/08/2016 11:16

So this is what my partner said to me last night.

We have been together for nearly 9 years. I have only recently seriously broached the subject of marriage (but it has been something we have talked about being "in the future" for years). He keeps coming up with reasons for why we can't marry in the next few years, keeps shifting the goal posts. But on holiday this year we saw a wedding venue we both loved and could see ourselves getting married in. He somehow agreed for us to put our names down for a date in 2018. He now says that I have given him a deadline for him to propose by, effectively an ultimatum. He says that I am bullying him into marriage.

Cost isn't an issue- my parents will be paying for most of the wedding which will only be an intimate one anyway. I let him do his own thing - he is going travelling in Peru with his mate later this year (which is costing him a lot of money) and I haven't battered an eyelid. He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I don't want to marry him after accusing me of bullying him into it. I have been fair to him and feel like he's taking me for granted. Am I being too sensitive over that comment? I feel like I should just walk out on this relationship. :(

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 12/08/2016 12:40

Oh good lord ditch him. Well done on your new job, sounds like a perfect opportunity for you to start again.
Tell him to bugger off to darkest Peru and not come back.
You are at just the right age to start again by the way. I met my now husband at 34 and have two lovely kids now and am SO happy.

This man is NOT good enough for you, end of.

RosieThorn · 12/08/2016 12:42

My BIL is like your partner in this situation OP. Been with a girl for about 8 years, kept finding excuses to put off getting married. No idea what happened last year but he finally proposed to her - her parents are about to spend a small fortune on their wedding. His entire family have doubts that marriage is really what he wants. Several of them have privately asked him if this is what he wants and his replies have ranged from that it's financially practical to that it buys him more time before she 'goes on' about kids - not once has he said that he loves her, wants to spend his life with her, wants to make that commitment to her, wants to start a family with her (that will probably be the next thing he strings her along about). It's not like this is just his personality either as he apparently was very open about his feelings of love for his ex and when his mother asked him if he loves the girl he's about to marry he shrugged his shoulders. I feel so sorry for this poor girl (and her parents who are about to waste a fortune marrying their only daughter to someone who can't say he loves her!) she's so excited, she thinks marriage is going to make everything rosy and it most likely won't because he simply does not love her enough but lacks the balls to break it off. If he doesn't love you enough before marriage he most certainly won't love you enough after to sustain it and no man who loves his partner strings her along or accuses her of 'bullying' him into marriage!

BoGrainger · 12/08/2016 12:46

Why does he have to propose? You've agreed a venue, you've been together 9 years, if you're not on the same page regards marriage (e.g. Having to wait for him to propose) then it's not going to happen. And why would you want it to? It will be something he will bring up in the years to come about being forced into it. By letting him hold all the cards means he can effectively do nothing. Use this split as the beginning of a new life, you are still young and in the near future you will meet someone who wants the same things as you do.

Jackiebrambles · 12/08/2016 12:50

And I'd be willing to bet money that your low self esteem is caused by HIM too.

MissMargie · 12/08/2016 12:53

You are expecting your DCs to provide attention, companionship etc etc for you as you have a disinterested OH and no friends.

Think about it, poor DCs. DCs want a happy mummy. I would say give up this guy. Examine your childhood and work out why your self esteem is so low and work to improve your life now. don't expect DCs to fix it.Then you might find a partner who cares about you.

ravenmum · 12/08/2016 12:57

My ex said after 20 years that I had bullied him into marrying him - he said it to his OW, so it might have been an exaggeration, but I was angry that he never indicated to me that he was anything other than happy to be with me. Your partner is at least being honest to you up front about how he feels, and giving you the chance to get out before it is too late. That isn't to say that you really are bullying him, though: you're just acting in a normal way and thinking that a serious relationship will go further. If he never wanted to get married he should have been more honest from the start.

Sometimes it takes a big, scary event to give us the fire in our hearts we need to tackle life face on, and stand up to our fears. I hope that happens to you.

mimishimmi · 12/08/2016 12:57

MissMargie - OP doesn't have children

SandyY2K · 12/08/2016 12:58

He is all I have, I don't have any friends or anything.

^^^ You need to change this. Never put yourself in the position where a man is your everything.

If I were you, I'd let him know you've cancelled your name of the list.

The question is after 9 years, does he really want to marry you? I don't know your age or if you want kids, but it's a long time to be a girlfriend.

Andbabymakesthree · 12/08/2016 12:59

Hold on! You are moving away from him for work soon?
Great! Perfect opportunity to start again. Don't let it been known you are in a long distance relationship - you'll be best placed to meet people and seen as datable if you don't broadcast this!

Goingtobeawesome · 12/08/2016 13:02

RosieThorn - I really hope you tell that poor girl or at least her parents what he really thinks. Don't be a cruel person who lets another woman be shafted.

DamaskRose · 12/08/2016 13:03

Even if he does marry you, his accusations take away your chance for emotional security in the marriage.

I wonder if some of the partners in this category actually do want to get married but need to have it be 'because she bullied me' or 'to keep her happy/shut her up' or whatever, so he has a get out clause and anything going wrong is your fault. The power is always with the least committed one in the relationship. For those who can't power share, they need to actually be or appear to be less committed.

CotswoldStrife · 12/08/2016 13:06

Going it's not always that easy is it - I suspect a lot of women know that their partner is not committed but have their own reasons for pressing on. Perhaps they think their partner will change or come round but I wouldn't recommend this approach!

Original poster
rhubarbandpear · 12/08/2016 13:13

He's been crawling back this morning, even came home for lunch early to see if I was OK and to take me out to say sorry (doesn't usually make such gestures). Says he didn't mean what he said, that he just felt pressured with everything, and that the proposal was no longer going to be a surprise like he wanted it to be but a formality and he was disappointed by that. I don't believe him. I don't know how you can say something like he did and not mean it on some subconscious level. I don't want to give him the opportunity to bring that one out again. It's such a shame because I do love him.

OP posts:
LazyFemme · 12/08/2016 13:15

He doesn't want to get married and I'm not sure why you do, if it's to him?

Cosmo111 · 12/08/2016 13:15

My best friend has just split up with her DP of 8 years, she is 30, they shared a home together and he had proposed she even started the wedding planning but the date was moved to 2018. He ended things and she's left devasted, she had seen marriage and children with him and now that's all ended for her. Don't stay and waste the best years of your life to someone who won't fully commit to you. It's easier said than done to leave and break all ties, I wish I had not put up with half the stuff my ex used to say to me and do but only you can decide is it worth putting up with or walking away.

DistanceCall · 12/08/2016 13:16

Andbabymakesthree, if the OP moves to another town and makes herself available for dating, surely she should end her relationship first? What you are suggesting is that she remain in her current (and crap) relationship but lie about it. Which is rather disgusting.

Not least because she won't get rid of her drag of a boyfriend. And because lying to potential partners is really not a good way to start a relationship.

magoria · 12/08/2016 13:18

Cancel the wedding you or your family life £££

Use the new job to make some new friends and reassess this relationship.

You still have time to meet someone who wants to marry and have a family with you.

Don't settle because you have nothing else.

Bogeyface · 12/08/2016 13:19

I suspect that he sees his cozy set (as a PP said, everything he wants and needs on his terms) slipping away and doesnt want to deal with that.

It doesnt alter that he said what he said and I think you are right Rhubarb that it didnt come from nowhere, these are feelings that he has.

SandyY2K · 12/08/2016 13:20

I have my own career and am moving away from DP next month to start a new job which is very important to me.

Maybe this is the natural time to go our separate ways.

I agree. A natural time to split.

Jackiebrambles · 12/08/2016 13:23

Agree with Bogeyface - he's worried about his status quo being in jeopardy.

You said in a PP that you fear he'll change his mind about kids too.

Please, please don't hang around and waste your childbearing years on this man. I know too many women who did this and once they had removed themselves from the relationship it was too late to have their own family. The men of course fucked off and had babies with other, younger, women.

CiderwithBuda · 12/08/2016 13:25

I completely agree that your self esteem issues will be caused at least in part by your relationship. So please don't think it's all just you.

So. Ask yourself are you willing to settle for someone who claims you bullied him into marrying you, says he has nothing to look forward to even as you have booked your wedding. He should be looking forward to starting a new chapter with you. It sounds like he is not happy either to be honest.

The great thing is you are still young. Very young. Don't stress about turning 30. It sounds like you met him at around 19/20. We change a lot in our 20s and often outgrow relationships and friendships during this time.

Your new job sounds like it has come at the perfect time. You have an opportunity to make new friends and a new life for YOU. Become comfortable being on your own for a bit. Develop as a person. Develop friendships. Find new interests.

Fwiw I was in a similar position to you at your age. With a guy who wasn't keen on marriage or children. He was career focused. I was panicking at getting older etc. I stayed with him and we moved overseas for his job. Great lifestyle but the relationship wasn't great. Moved back to uk and bought a house together. Got married. Went overseas again. I was desperate for children but he wasn't keen. Put huge strain on relationship and we almost split a few times. We did have a child and we are still together. I love him and I know he loves me but in my heart of hearts I know I should have left him early on. It has never been the kind of marriage I wanted as he is not th man I should have married. And although we are happy enough (and get on much better now) I do wonder if I might have been happier with someone else. Obviously I might have been unhappier too!

So take this opportunity to make a new beginning for you.

RosieThorn · 12/08/2016 13:25

Goingtobeawesome - it isn't my place to say anything, I'd be accused of interfering and I doubt she would listen - if she really wanted to see it as it is she would. Not saying anything doesn't make me a cruel person, it just means I am able to respect others rights to make their own mistakes.

GeekLove · 12/08/2016 13:33

There are fewer things more depressing than being the eternal cheerleader. I've been there and it sucks. If you have been with him for so long that could be the reason you have no friends- he doesn't seem like someone who keeps them.

I made the mistake of thinking a former DP was depressed. He wasn't. I think was his actual personality coming out and it wasn't pleasant.

The only reason stopping him from dumping me it turned out was that I could run my life and he wanted a safe bet. I was overly invested and had passed up several reasonable times to dump him. It wasn't until he dumped me that it came to end, when he said that my attempts to minister to his depression, copy my lecture notes etc made him scream!

Sieze the initiative and put an end to this relationship which does seem to be limping on.

Andbabymakesthree · 12/08/2016 13:39

Distance not that's not what I'm suggesting at all.

I'm suggesting as she gets to know people at work etc she doesn't broadcast that shes in a relationship which she may be able to end. I suggest she doesn't mention it and let people see her as a potential date for their brother, single mate etc as they get to know her better.

By highlighting baggage it's a barrier to meeting people so please save the moral lecture for someone else!

tinymeteor · 12/08/2016 13:50

I hope you're ok OP. Reading these responses must be tough.

Truth is, this isn't what a good, equal relationship looks like. He feels 'bullied'. You feel (or felt) unloved. That's no way to live, and you don't have to settle for it.

Good luck whatever you choose to do next.