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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You've bullied me in to marrying you

138 replies

rhubarbandpear · 12/08/2016 11:16

So this is what my partner said to me last night.

We have been together for nearly 9 years. I have only recently seriously broached the subject of marriage (but it has been something we have talked about being "in the future" for years). He keeps coming up with reasons for why we can't marry in the next few years, keeps shifting the goal posts. But on holiday this year we saw a wedding venue we both loved and could see ourselves getting married in. He somehow agreed for us to put our names down for a date in 2018. He now says that I have given him a deadline for him to propose by, effectively an ultimatum. He says that I am bullying him into marriage.

Cost isn't an issue- my parents will be paying for most of the wedding which will only be an intimate one anyway. I let him do his own thing - he is going travelling in Peru with his mate later this year (which is costing him a lot of money) and I haven't battered an eyelid. He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I don't want to marry him after accusing me of bullying him into it. I have been fair to him and feel like he's taking me for granted. Am I being too sensitive over that comment? I feel like I should just walk out on this relationship. :(

OP posts:
DragonRojo · 12/08/2016 13:52

Many of us know someone who didn't really want to get married and ended up divorced after 6 months. I know 2 cases like this. Don't waste your parent's money. He doesn't want to do it and you will end up very unhappy

DistanceCall · 12/08/2016 14:06

Andbabymakesthree, you said (I quote):

"Don't let it been known you are in a long distance relationship - you'll be best placed to meet people and seen as datable if you don't broadcast this!"

If you are in a long distance relationship, you are not datable. The OP shouldn't be "seen as datable". She should be datable. By dropping the twat that she's currently burdened with.

Andbabymakesthree · 12/08/2016 14:15

Distance go argue with someone else. I've explained exactly what I meant.

Original poster
rhubarbandpear · 12/08/2016 14:20

I really appreciate all of your messages.

I have had warning signs in the past but chosen to ignore them. He is not a bad man, I wouldn't be with one, he is actually lovely. I think he would make a great husband and father with the right woman. I am just so, so sad that is not me.

OP posts:
todayitstarts · 12/08/2016 14:32

OP. Just want to say that you have been given great advice and all of it has been that you are still young, and don't sell yourself short.

I was in a similar situation in my 20s. My BF at the time did not want to make any commitment. We 'took a break' - his idea, not mine, which lasted a lot longer than I wanted. I met him a couple of months later in a supermarket and told him that I was dating someone - I was, very casually. By the time I got home, he had called my house about 5 times, then sent me letters etc begging me to come back to him. I called him to talk about it but he refused to speak to me until I came back to him. Although I adored him, it was only then I saw that he just wanted to be the one in charge. So I didn't. It was painful but it was right

Fast forward 3 years and I married the man I was casually dating. He is wonderful and we have 2 dc. That was 20 years ago and I'm still v happy.

Don't short change yourself

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 12/08/2016 15:24

I think there are over 100 posts on here not describing him as lovely at all.
He is very quick to blame you for what are actually his issues.
He is a dreg, and you have accepted his crappy standards towards you and what is acceptable in a relationship because you don't feel you deserve better. You are wrong.
Cancel the venue, invest a very small portion of the moneythe wedding would have cost you in therapy or classes to raise your self esteem.
If you had free time and could say yes to things instead of going home after work to look after Mr Selfish you would make many acquaintances quickly, some would become friends.
Please stop clinging to this relationship! the grass everywhere else, (not just the other side of the fence) Is greener

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2016 15:27

On any level you look at it, cancelling the venue and using the new job as a break is good. Sounds like you both need this to work out what you need.

Reading this, he needs to stop passively sleep walking through his life and using you to be the one keeping him positive and moving along.
And you need to find yourself, independent to any DP.

Maybe, along the way, it could turn out that you are the right woman (once he works out what that means to him) but I agree with you, you are not the right woman right now and this is heading for disaster.

oldestmumaintheworld · 12/08/2016 15:34

It's really brave to recognise that he is not the man for you and you've done that. Move away and move on. And for next time you meet someone nice - if he hasn't put a ring on it after a year then ditch and move on. Good luck

mimishimmi · 12/08/2016 15:39

I think you are mistaken OP. Lovely men don't string their partners along for years and then whinge about being bullied when asked to make a committment. Cads who think they might have a better option do. He sounds exactly the type to go off and get married after you break up with him, have the children and then have a string of affairs.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/08/2016 16:11

He isn't lovely to you..

arsenaltilidie · 12/08/2016 19:08

You'd be surprised of how many women left dead end relationship and were married a feed years later.

At 29 you are still young.

Overthinker2016 · 12/08/2016 19:16

Dump.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 12/08/2016 19:39

Darling - you are selling yourself short. A lovely man isn't shitty towards you. They don't 'settle' whilst they wait for a better prospect to come along - which is exactly what he is doing to you right now.

You are worth SO much more than this. You need to value yourself. Ditch the miserable twat, focus on your new job and work on developing a social circle and some friends. Penny to a pound that once your confidence starts to build and you begin to enjoy life, a nice fella will appear who will knock your socks off.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/08/2016 20:04

You will be surprised at how your self esteem will improve when you take power into your own hands, leave this guy, move and make plans to have some excitement.

It makes me mad when ye found a venue that he agreed to marry in 2018. For goodness sake he has known you for 9 years why not next year. Don't let him be the one who ends this. Making a solid definite move yourself will lift your head and turn you into the woman you really are. He is dragging you down. You sound like you have a supportive family. Lean on them now. Go into that new job with an excitement for the future. Actually ld like to see his face when you tell him it's over and sail off to your new life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/08/2016 22:04

In the month left before you move, how about you stop being the cheerleader? Try spotting when you are saying or doing things to manage his mood and/or his decisions then don't do it.

LowAMH · 12/08/2016 22:38

Op he doesn't sound great. Why would you want to be with someone who is so lukewarm about you? You deserve better.

You're still young. I would get out now and take back your life - the sooner you do the sooner you can meet someone who wants to marry you and isn't afraid to commit.

I met my DP at 29, planning wedding at 30!

chipmonkey · 12/08/2016 23:42

I can guarantee that he would also say that you "forced him" to have children and if it's 3am and the baby wakes up, he will make it feel as if it's your job to pick baby up because YOU were the one who wanted kids.
A lovely guy would not treat you like this. Trust me.

MissMargie · 13/08/2016 07:30

A lot of posters describe their, apparently from the post, selfish and inconsiderate DPs as 'lovely'.

I'm beginning to think that using that term is a bit of a red flag. Perhaps it's used because DPs can turn on the charm when it suits them.
If someone was 24/7 'lovely' I think I'd feel they were probably too soft for their own good.

Ireallydontseewhy · 13/08/2016 08:12

I don't usually comment on relationship threads. But one thing stood out to me. You ask if you are being too sensitive about the 'you are bullying me into marriage' comment. If my dd, or a friend, were to say that an oh had said that to her (or him, in the case of a friend!) i would be very very concerned. So no you are definitely not being too sensitive - trust your feelings!

Could your oh be depressed? It sounds as though it is at least possible - nothing to look forward to, career a failure etc. That is a separate issue but you could suggest he sees his fp anyway, regardless of what you decide about the relationship.

Ireallydontseewhy · 13/08/2016 08:15

Gp not fp.

And i second the suggestion above/below to try meetup.com if it's active in your new area! (It isn't dating but socialising based on shared interests.)

What was your dp's reponse when you decided to move away - did you discuss your relationship then?

timelytess · 13/08/2016 11:50

the proposal was no longer going to be a surprise like he wanted it to be but a formality and he was disappointed by that.
We had this on a similar thread recently. A DP who didn't propose on a recent holiday but might propose on a future one.
To heck with his rubbish.

MatildaTheCat · 13/08/2016 11:59

Of course he can be lovely. Almost anyone can be in the right circumstances. So when he's allowed to be having fun with no real commitment or responsibility he's lovely. He just doesn't want any more than that. A Manchild.

You move along and start your new job and have some fun alone. Then you will no doubt find a real man. It will be painful but much less so than staying.

sarahnova69 · 13/08/2016 12:21

OP, I want you to imagine your future married to this man. Let's say the two of you do make it to the altar, and are planning a family. And then - maybe after a few months, maybe years in - the inevitable crisis hits. Perhaps you're struggling with a newborn and PND, perhaps your sex life has hit a rough patch, perhaps one on your parents starts failing and needs hands on care. What will this man do?

Will he have the hard, honest conversations about his needs and feelings? Will he work with you to make the messy, difficult compromises that keep a relationship going through thick and thin? Will he be willing and able to put you and children first sometimes?

You already know the answer, don't you? He's shown you who he is. He would rather string you along to keep getting what HE wants than have the hard conversation or the integrity to go his own way if he can't give you what he needs. He might even believe that line of bullshit about how he was just having a moment of stress, but behaviour speaks louder than words - he's been stalling for years.

I'm sorry you're in this situation - but please go find a life for yourself, the wonderful life you deserve.

happypoobum · 13/08/2016 13:51

I think it is a blessing that you are moving away soon. I wonder if you will find that once you are properly away from him, your self esteem lifts considerably?

Please don't marry or have children with a man who makes you feel like this.

He wants you to feel grateful he has deigned to marry you. What a wankbadger.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 13/08/2016 14:40

Wise counsel from SarahNova

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