You've bullied me in to marrying you

[rhubarbandpear]

So this is what my partner said to me last night.

We have been together for nearly 9 years. I have only recently seriously broached the subject of marriage (but it has been something we have talked about being "in the future" for years). He keeps coming up with reasons for why we can't marry in the next few years, keeps shifting the goal posts. But on holiday this year we saw a wedding venue we both loved and could see ourselves getting married in. He somehow agreed for us to put our names down for a date in 2018. He now says that I have given him a deadline for him to propose by, effectively an ultimatum. He says that I am bullying him into marriage.

Cost isn't an issue- my parents will be paying for most of the wedding which will only be an intimate one anyway. I let him do his own thing - he is going travelling in Peru with his mate later this year (which is costing him a lot of money) and I haven't battered an eyelid. He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I don't want to marry him after accusing me of bullying him into it. I have been fair to him and feel like he's taking me for granted. Am I being too sensitive over that comment? I feel like I should just walk out on this relationship. :(

Gin that's exactly what I have come on to say. OP you've set the date for the wedding, you are past the point of a proposal.

OMG no, don't do it and please don't bring children into this relationship. He doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't see you as his life partner. He is slowly extracting himself and will be absolutely ripe for affairs if you go ahead.

Let me say this from a position of knowing what I am talking about:

HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU AND ALREADY RESENTS YOU.

You must must must must understand that if you want children this is not the right relationship to bring them into.

You're only 30. I broke away from my (sounds identical) shitty relationship when I was 33. Best move I ever made and I stumbled across the love of my life 3 months later. We have an amazing DD too.

Please OP; life is too short.

This is a classic example of the sunken costs fallacy; having been with him for a decade, you feel compelled to try to salvage your investment in terms of time and emotional energy. Yet it sounds like you already know that this will not pan out to give you what you want from life. At this point - to continue the analogy - it may simply be more sensible to cut your losses and start over. Despite how it feels, you will have gained at least one thing - the wisdom of experience. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide

Please start today getting out and making friends and making your own life. Have a look at activities you like doing or classes you might be interested in and join up, think about whether there are people at work you get on with and talk about meeting up with them outside, think about older friends you might get in touch with. Give yourself the springboard into a new life where you are not dependent on this man.

I bet he has something to do with your friends falling away. You've been together for nine years - he's never wanted to marry because he's not afraid of losing you - if he was serious about marriage and children he would have committed by now. Tell him you refuse to let him paint you as the bully, pull up stakes and leave OP. He has no respect for you.

You know what, you're better than this. Get out now before it's another ten years down the line, do you really want that to be your wedding story for your kids.

Also, these days if you want children, you do not necessarily have to have a partner to do it and it sounds like at the moment a vial of sperm would make a better Dad than your current partner would.

Thanks for all of your messages.

Basically I have no friends because, for various reasons (none of which relate to my partner) I have no self esteem, and have spent the past five years moving around opposite ends of the country (for partner's work). I struggle to make friends mostly due to self esteem but my partner really does try to get me to believe in myself. Am currently on citalopram and having CBT to help with this.

Marriage and having a family are so important to me. I know it's what I want. And I know written down that my scenario sounds ridiculous and of course I should leave.

I hate that I sound like a doormat when I'm not. I have my own career and am moving away from DP next month to start a new job which is very important to me. Maybe this is the natural time to go our separate ways.

Yep I'd get out now..he was willing to put your names down for a venue..so to me there's no need to propose..it's as good as done.

If you were to get married in 2018, there's a possibility that he'll blame you and make you feel you forced him into it. There was a thread on here not that long ago of the H blaming the W for getting married and it wasn't what be really wanted. I'd take his words now as a huge sign that he clearly doesn't want this and is telling you so. Also, the thread I mentioned, they ended up splitting up as the W couldn't carry on knowing it wasn't what he wanted but now have to go through all the divorce process, you can save yourself this hassle.

And if your folks are footing the bill, don't let them waste their money on paying for a wedding when it's quite clear it could all go wrong from his part..

I wouldn't marry him. I have a female relative who married in similar circumstances. About 6 months in to the marriage, there was a death on his side of the family and another woman turned up at the funeral to support him, to the total embarrassment of his wife. His excuse was that he never wanted to get married and she shouldn't have made him

Did you always dream of a husband who would be cruel to you?

If you did, marry him. If you didn't, don't.

OP, I stayed with a man out of loneliness. I didn't have any friends, and had self-esteem issues. He wouldn't even consider marriage, even though we had a child together. It compounded my feelings of low self-worth. Earlier this year, he left me for a twenty five year old (we are both 41). Although it's been tough, I have made a couple of really good friends now, and on better days, I think he did me a favour.

You can leave him and chance it on your own (& you will be ok); or you can work on building a life outside of this relationship. If you pick the latter option, you may actually find your confidence and social life improves to the extent that you may feel you don't need this man!

Right now, he is stopping you from being your best version of you.

God, women put up with a lot of unsatisfactory men, don't we?

Not just evil, abusive or adulterous ones. But every-day just not-good-enough-for-us nonsense men.

Also, here are things you can do to make connections and new friends (some may be wide of the mark but still):

1. Fitness classes/clubs/parkruns/zumba
2. City Socialising - my chum moved to Glasgow, friendless 4 years ago, now has a "squad"
3. Local book groups
4. Volunteering - check VSO website
5. Never underestimate who you can meet through dog walking (if you have a dog) - always say hi and smile to other walkers

Finally, so many of my chums were in relationships from the end of uni until 30ish. Many of them ended in the past couple of years when both parties realised they were not on the same page.

The position you are in is common; it won't make you hurt less nor feel better but making the break from a deadweight could be the best thing you do for yourself, your future and your happiness.

God, I want to give you a hug so bad.

It took seven years before he made you feel loved ? (why did you stay in a relationship you didn't feel loved in for seven years if you've only felt loved in the last teo ?)

He doesn't want to get married -and his making the right noises but doesn't want to propose

He doesn't want to spend his time off with you preferring to spend large amounts of money holidaying with friends

I do understand you feel you've invested nine years in this relationship - but sometimes you need to step back and ask yourself realistically how much longer can you wait for him to change or will you be better off cutting your losses and deciding you are the one who needs to make you happy and not rely on someone else who isn't someone who makes your life better but leaves you feeling not good enough or inadequate.

Get out of the house, sign up for meet up and start to expand your social life as an individual. Their activities aren't about dating but about making friends doing a massive variety of activities . He has a social life - get yourself one too and stop waiting around for him . Broaden your horizons , you don't need to end your relationship if you don't want to ,,,,,,but with broader horizons you might just find he's not the catch he's telling you he is !!

For your own happiness, you need to leave him and move onto something much, much better. It's got nothing to do with "bullying him into marriage" (which is complete bullshit, btw.) Turn it around and you will realise that no one wants to marry someone who makes them feel they have dragged them to the alter. You deserve to have someone who enthusiastically wants to marry you. Otherwise, it will always be a weight around your neck, and a doubt about whether you "forced" him there. That would be a terrible situation to be in.

I was in a similar relationship for 10 years, and only ever very gently mentioned marriage and kids, but he always just dismissed it. After I ended it, I realised I just felt amazingly light and happy and unburdened. I was 31, went out an had a couple of years of fun single life, dating in a not serious way, and then met my husband, who always showed he was crazy about me, and it felt so wonderful and such a contrast to my exdp, who always somehow felt lukewarm. I promised myself I would only ever marry someone who I didn't feel like I was pushing into a relationship. I deserved it and so do you. He's not being fair or decent with you, but he will probably never see that, so you should end it and get on with your life asap.

but my partner really does try to get me to believe in myself

Not really, not if he cancels any positive stuff out with 'bullied me into marrying you' esteem-denting bollocks.

All it takes is for you to make a decision, sort a few logistics and you're free.

Free to find whatever is out there for you.

dacre. When I asked repeatedly for my ex to try and find work, or quit his weed habit, his response was always 'FFS, I don't hit you and I don't cheat; there are worse men out there than me'! Well, one out of two ain't bad (he cheated)

Sometimes I really do have to shake my head at myself.....

He's not that into you
You're settling
You deserve better
Walk away
You are SO young

Op that sounds like a great plan. New job, new home, take every opportunity to go out and meet people and get to know people there. Make yourself so busy having a great time you'll quickly see how he has held you back.

Hmm, you might not think your self esteem issues are because of your partner but were there 'little' things in the beginning like a bit of stonewalling/silent treatment when you did not behave in ways he approved of? Little 'helpful' asides which keft you feeling what you studied /trained for not being terribly useful or exciting - flat responses when you were excited about something not related to him?

Walk away OP,although I'd be running away.

9 years and no proposal and he says your forcing him into marriage,he's talking out of his arse.

Me and my DH had been together 8 months when he proposed,he'd been married before(she'd been abusive and cheated on him)I'd been married before(he was really abusive to me for years)and I had young DC.

If it's right and you want to get married then you just know,2 years for me I think would be long enough for a proposal,9 years is madness.How the hell he can say your pressuring him I don't know!

Walk away now,concentrate on yourself and your own happiness and this time 2 years down the line you could be organizing your wedding to a man who knows they don't want to live without you!

Glad to hear he's an ex Jess

9 years?? You've been with him 9 years and he is still refusing to make a commitment to you??
Marriage isn't the be all and end all but when you've been with someone for so long then putting down some foundations, even just an engagement, would be a natural step. It doesn't sound a great relationship to bring a family into so I think you are better off walking away and finding someone who can fulfil your hopes and dreams.

Just seen your last post about the new job Congratulations I think what you've said is spot on use that new chapter of your life to really start living for you,new job,new home,new friends and you'll have room for a new man