You've bullied me in to marrying you

[rhubarbandpear]

So this is what my partner said to me last night.

We have been together for nearly 9 years. I have only recently seriously broached the subject of marriage (but it has been something we have talked about being "in the future" for years). He keeps coming up with reasons for why we can't marry in the next few years, keeps shifting the goal posts. But on holiday this year we saw a wedding venue we both loved and could see ourselves getting married in. He somehow agreed for us to put our names down for a date in 2018. He now says that I have given him a deadline for him to propose by, effectively an ultimatum. He says that I am bullying him into marriage.

Cost isn't an issue- my parents will be paying for most of the wedding which will only be an intimate one anyway. I let him do his own thing - he is going travelling in Peru with his mate later this year (which is costing him a lot of money) and I haven't battered an eyelid. He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I don't want to marry him after accusing me of bullying him into it. I have been fair to him and feel like he's taking me for granted. Am I being too sensitive over that comment? I feel like I should just walk out on this relationship. :(

You say that your self esteem issues are nothing to do with him, but I think that you are underplaying his role in this. For 7 years he didnt make you feel loved, that is going to hit anyones self esteem.

I agree that your new job would be the perfect time to split, and you will be free to make some new friends through work without having to worry about him.

What is it with men saying that they were "forced" into marriage. Were shotguns involved? Were they frogmarched to the ceremony and hypnotised in making vows?!

Basically I have no friends because, for various reasons (none of which relate to my partner) I have no self esteem, and have spent the past five years moving around opposite ends of the country (for partner's work).

I get that you mean your partner is not responsible for your self esteem because of his behaviour towards you but you do realise this sentence is a contradiction?

You have sacrificed the chance to make friendships and a settled life for yourself for his work, yes? That's a huge commitment you have made to him but he is making you feel bad about wanting a big commitment shown back?

Ummm...

Wake up OP, he really doesn't want to get married

You should walk out on the relationship. He sounds awful. You deserve better.

Bin him.
Now.

I agree that the new job sounds like a perfect opportunity to make a new life for yourself away from him.

THIS! Goingtobeawesome
Did you always dream of a husband who would be cruel to you?

If you did, marry him. If you didn't, don't.

Get rid - you'll make friends once you stop wasting your time on this guy.

I'd leave a note that said, "You've bullied me into leaving you" and then waltz off to your new job and have a lovely fresh start - on your own terms, with your own rules, and no joy extractor sitting in the corner of the room like a six foot turd.

You may be lonely at first - but NOTHING is lonelier than being with a partner who doesn't really want to be with you.

And if you feel your self esteem is kinda low, try acting AS IF you had high self esteem. You'll be scared, but doing the kind of things that people with good self worth do is part of becoming that kind of person.

I know, Just5mins - I divorced my ex for far less than all this!

I think the response to that is:

"You've bullied me into leaving you. Goodbye."

He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I was with someone like this once - it was exhausting and utterly demoralising. None of the things he purported to want actually seemed to make him happy in reality.

I felt pretty guilty about it (we had an offer on a house, his lovely parents were over the moon us), but I left him. Best thing I ever did. A lifetime of tiptoeing round sullen moods and feeling like nothing I ever did was good enough would have been a terrible, tragic waste.

I hope he has found happiness, I really do, but I don't think it would have been with me and I would have drowned.

there's a post at the top of the relationships board headed 'listen up' about what a relationship should be. Doesn't sound like it is yours.

I agree - you can do better. And do NOT get pregnant!!

Ditch.
Ditch.
Ditch.

My OH wasn't remotely bothered about being married but he proposed (without any nagging, hinting or prompting from me) because he knew it was important to me.

I suspect your self-esteem issues and general happiness will improve once you aren't shackled to someone who sounds like he sucks the joy out of everything. Do not waste your fertile years with him - you deserve someone who loves you and who wants to be with you.

You should want more for yourself than this.

Sort yourself today.
He doesn't want to marry you.
Don't waste another hour on him.

You sound really lovely and deserve better. There are lots of other things in life besides a man and having fun with girlfriends is definitely one of them.
He sounds like he is treating you with contempt for just wanting a positive life.
New job. New life. New friends. New you.
Make your own self esteem and remember its a process small steps. It works.

I am also puzzled that you both booked a venue for a wedding if there was no wedding on the cards - has he said why he booked it if he hasn't proposed (apart from the bullying comment, I mean!).

Congratulations on the new job, I would certainly use it to give yourself a bit of space from him. I think a bit of distance will clarify things for both of you. You'll see the possibilities ahead of you.

He's showing you clearly how he feels. He doesn't want to be married, he doesn't want to be that strongly attached, and he isn't happy in his life as it is. Still worse, he's blaming you and it hasn't even happened yet. Can you imagine the disaster of children with this man?

You're ready to settle down, so leave this tepid and not very happy relationship and go looking for someone who enthusiastically wants to tow you up the aisle and whose enjoyment of life is boosted by being with you. They are out there, this is not the best you can do.

Lots of sound advice on here op. Do you have children together? Assuming you don't I just wanted to add that in your position I would steadily be making my plans without letting him know. Get all the ducks in a row and leave him. He sounds as if he has manipulated you into getting everything he wants and needs on his terms and so why bother with the committment? There will be a bright future for you if you can value yourself first.

He sounds like a man child, is that what you want?

Just to add: this man has not got the guts to do anything about his feelings or his happiness or take responsibility for them, he'll bumble along moaning and leaving it to you. Other than do you really want to be with someone this weak, I'd wonder whether he actually still wanted the relationship at all but lacked the guts do anything but wait for you to give up and leave him.