Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

I actually feel very sorry for my mother
She has had a very unhappy life in many ways...
Of course for years I thought that was MY fault!
Since dads death I've realised I CANNOT take his place as her crutch
My dad worked ft right up to his sudden death at 67 and I know why

I collected copies of my medical records yesterday. I have memories of stuff happening but couldn't remember exactly how things had happened. I asked my mum many times about those memories and she 'couldn't remember' and 'it was a figment of my imagination' Medical records don't lie, I've gone over and over and over them this afternoon, re-reading each entry. Things are much clearer for me now. The laughable entries are the ones "Bod is an anxious child", "Bod has difficulty settling at school and is anxious", "Mrs X states Bod is unruly in the home", "Mrs X mentioned Bod has difficulty sleeping" < that was the worst one. Perhaps I'd have slept better if she hadn't threatened to put her head in a gas oven. I've seen the things she said written down now. I was between 5 and 8 years old when those entries were made, I was never 'unruly'. I called my aunt this afternoon and she confirmed I was never 'unruly'. I was anxious at school because I had zero confidence, the confidence my delightful mother never gave me. I was 5. There's lots of other injuries detailed as well. I can remember them all now that I see it written down. 7 head injuries in a year when I was between 6 and 7, each one caused by her banging my head off radiators, walls, hit me with a metal ladel, tables and the back of a chair. It's noted in my records as 'temper'. That's what she must have told them. It's opened up a new can of worms for me, remembering it all over again. I'm going to go back for counselling, I need to work through each one of these injuries and talk it over with someone. DH is fantastic but I want to speak to someone to get it all out of my system. One thing is for sure, she won't win. I'm not shit, or fat, or worthless. I'm a good mum and have raised 4 lovely children. I wish I'd told her to her face what a crap mother she was. It's nice to know I'm not alone on this thread .

Can I join?

I finally went NC with my Mother a few years ago. In the end the reason was very simple. Something terrible happened to me, and I couldn't face speaking to her. There was no way I could not mention it and the thought of her joyfully spreading it around the family grapevine and then referring to it for years to come was more than I could bear. This made me realise the relationship was truly toxic and harmful to my own wellbeing.

Since having my DC I frequently remember episodes from my childhood stop and realise that I would, could never do or say the things to my DC that my mother did to me. I boggle at how and why she could be so cold and unfeeling, any situation is always about her.

OP here. Can I just say thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, it has helped me and I know it will help others.

Never have I had so many 'flash backs' since I have posting this thread, based on so many similarities with others' experiences. Reading about threatened suicide, I don't recall mum ever saying that but when my stepdad ever threatened to leave her she would bang her head off the toilet seat until he said he'd stay. We'd all see it, Then the next day? It's like nothing happened.

It's very conflicting I think when you have a toxic mother and you're a mother yourself - the feeling of 'I could never do that to my DC, how could she do it to me?'. I think the answer sometimes is simply that there's lots of bad people in the world, and sometimes they have children.

I would never have said I had a 'bad' childhood and my mum would've said it was fabulous but in the last few years (especially since becoming a parent) I've very much thought otherwise. Absolutely nothing was ever done to please us children. We were never put first, we were an inconvenience that mum tolerated. For example, I recently went to Benidorm on holiday (bear with me on this one I know it sounds random!) to one of those kids-clubby type resorts that's full on forced fun, annoying animation teams dragging you from sun beds and constant noise. Personally it's my idea of hell, but boy did I have a good time because DD was absolutely in her element. She loved every moment, as did the other kids who were there (family hols with ILs). As much as I'd love to do the 'grown up' island hopping style holidays forever, all our holidays will be like that because I want her and DC2 (currently in utero) to enjoy it. FIL asked about my holidays when we were kids and I realised just how bad they were.

When we were little our holidays centered around what stepdad wanted to do. He is Italian and we'd spend 2 weeks a year in summer traipsing round frankly dangerous parts of Naples, sitting in houses of SD's relative for 8 hours a day having to be quiet on sofas while everyone talked in a language we didn't understand. Mum couldn't speak Italian, she'd just sit too making goo goo eyes at SD. I remember having dinner at his sister's once, I detest pasta and she made enough to feed a small army. It had mussels in it and I kept saying to mum I was full, and she didn't want to lose face so made me eat it until I was sick. She was then furious that I was vomiting in her ILs house. I was probably about 8 or 9.

It didn't stop SD having endless affairs with teenagers (including his friend's 16yo DD when he was 42) and colleagues though so I don't know why she so desperately centered everything round him. Never in a million years would we have done a kids club holiday, she sees them as 'very common'.

Also on one Italy holiday we got to go to the beach one day - a real treat as most days consisted of family visits. I was 9yo and I got so badly sunburnt I had blisters up and down my body and was hospitalised. Mum says to this day she didn't put sun cream on me because "I refused as I wanted a tan like the Italian girls". She also said this to the doctors, and even at the time I recall thinking "I don't remember saying this yesterday". I've never ever been one to be fussed about a ran, certainty not as a child. She forgot to put suncream on her DD and wouldn't admit it if it killed her. It would have to be the 9yos fault. Even to this day

I think I always thought 'I had a good childhood' because we did have holidays afterall, albeit very boring ones, and I wasn't beaten every day like some kids are. It took me a while to realise that maltreatment and abuse comes in many forms

Comment of today from my mother when talking about taking the three kids out on my own she told me to "man up" and take them out. Bearing in mind they're 7,6 and 3 and two of them have autism. The youngest is a screamer, won't wear shoes and is non verbal. She also complains frequently how I don't make meals for her. We invite them over for takeaways but I should be slaving in he kitchen again bearing in mind I have to sit on my younger ones floor for up to two hours a night getting her to sleep. Jog on Mum.

I was quite ill 3 years ago
Ended up having to have an op
I remember a nurse saying "oh we all want our mum when we are ill, dont we?"
Er....no!

My wedding! OMG I'd forgotten about my wedding. My parents paid for both my sisters weddings. They never offered a penny towards mine. My mother sat drawing my MIL daggers across the table and refused to speak to her or any of DH's family. During our first dance her and my dad started dancing too, she always had said she was a wonderful dancer. WTF was all that about? She never told me I looked nice or anything on my wedding day either. I remember telling her I was pregnant and she looked at me with disgust and said "well YOU slept with him what do you want me to say" No shit Sherlock I'd slept with him 🙄 The more I think about it the more I can't believe I put up with her shit for so long.

My mum didn't tell me I looked nice on my wedding day either...
I really need to go LC
For my own sanity.

I bet you looked gorgeous Badders 😊 Best thing I did was to NC with my mum tbh. It's odd but I never missed her and was relieved. It took so much stress and pressure off.

Ugh my mum said on my wedding day pictures (we eloped) "you have your hair done like you're going to work".

And she wonders why I ran away to get married

I am almost loathe to bring this up, but...........................

Mothers Day.

It used to make me feel sick. I would keep looking at cards and having to leave the shops because they all said such lovely things and none of it applied to her. "Thanks for loving me and always being my biggest supporter" that kind of thing.

It would take ages to find a card that just said "Happy Mothers Day! and nothing else. And all the adverts showing lovely mums and daughters.....

You know what?
I did! :)
I was 8st 12 the day I got married
Lovely simple dress and long veil, simple flowers, not much make up
My cousins wife said I looked like a model
The photographer had my picture up in his window for months I later found out 😳😁 thank goodness I didn't live near the studio!

happy I find Mother's Day extremely difficult too. I posted on MN about the last one where she got in a strop because we invited both her and MIL too to afternoon tea. She didn't want MIL to come, despite the fact that MIL's own mum had just died.

As for cards, ever since I heard about Moonpig I order mine from there that just say "Happy Mother's Day" and nothing else as I find card shopping very difficult for the same reasons. She thinks I'm doing something extra special and personal for her though by doing that, if only she knew!

Mine was nowhere near as bad ad many talked about here. But she could be plain nasty sometimes. Mothers' Day was an absolute nightmare - I could never get it right. Once, my car broke down on the day. I rang to explain that I would ne coming in dp's car instead and she took offence, telling me "not to bother with her again".

She laughed when I lost my job, she constantly blamed me if dd was ill, and she frequently tried to go NC with me in one phone call, only to phone back in tears five minutes later full of apologies. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

She loved a drama, and would sulk if she wasn't getting attention. Neither me nor my father were interesting enough for her, so she spent all her time and energy on my drama queen of a cousin.

Everyone thought she was a bloody saint, which made things worse.

Mother's Day and Christmas. I bloody dreaded them as a child. I can't remember which it was but when I was 8 mum opened the preset I had chosen and wrapped the way the Blue Peter special showed me. The present went directly in the bin cause it was thoughtless crap and she picked up her handbag and left for a couple of days. Overreaction much.
Thankfully her birthday is the week before Mother's Day so I can roll them into 1 and write "and Mother's Day" inside the card.

badders bod my mum didn't tell me I looked nice on my wedding day either in fact she cried in the car on the way to the ceremony because I didn't tell Her she looked nice!
She hasn't spoken to me properly since

My mum hates Xmas
That was fun growing up
She worked whenever she could
I go totally overboard now with my children

Fuzzy it's awful isn't it? My DD is getting married next June. She will be told how amazing she looks and she will be given a locket to mark her wedding day (that she probably won't wear but that's perfectly fine). She will always have that keepsake though as well as as a box I'm putting together for her with photos of her life and other little momentos. It's a keepsake chest that she can add to over the years with her own family things.

I don't want to think of the Mother's Days when my mum was alive. When I became a mother myself the day HAD to be about her. I always tell my DS's Mother's Day is about your wife and children not me. I always receive lovely gifts and cards from my children but I will never be my mother and expect my children to fawn over me when they have families of their own.

My sister and I used to really struggle to find suitable Mothers' Day cards. They were all so gushy with stuff about wonderful mothers who are always there for you etc etc and we just couldn't say that about her.

I'm glad she won't be around when my daughter gets married as she would have had the cat's bum face because my DD wants my OH to be on the top table.

This is such a good thread to make me feel I'm not alone. Thanks OP

OP - you've read my mind!
My mum hasn't had the best life but for as long as I can remember she has never had anything positive to say me or any of my (several siblings).
She's very set in her ways despite ( mainly due to her own upbringing and culture) only being about 57.
She still can't get over the fact that I followed my own path in life and when I told her a few weeks ago that I was pregnant with #2 ( DD1 is 2 next month) , her response was "okay". Just yesterday she was still banging on about how what I've done isn't right ( married out of my "race", neither of my parents attended obviously) and pretty much insinuated that DD is a mistake
She's toxic as hell and seeing her just drains me so much. My parents have DD for half a day a week and it's almost like she hates doing it the way she talks about me to my siblings ( today she told my younger sis that I'm an idiot for having another child so close in age to DD1, who will be 2.5 when #2 is here!, because apparently I can barely look after the one I do have).
I'm actually,concerned about DD being around her as she grows older. Would love to never speak to her again but that would be quite tricky as my father ( for all his mistakes too) dotes on DD and the feeling is mutual.

Am I complaining about nothing? Or being overly harsh in how I feel here?

Sorry for double posting :
Just read lots more posts on this thread. It's got me all teary and I've had to come upstairs so DH doesn't ask why im blubber
Feeling somewhat less weird now.

Zan post all you want.

And sorry For triple posting now, stupid phone decided to post the last message before I was done!
Reading all your posts has been eye opening and made me realise I'm not alone. There are worse mothers than mine.
I was so worried when I was pregnant with DD1 that I wouldn't bond with her when she born or that I'd have PND ( I'm pretty sure mine had it with all of us as there seems to be little if any positivity about motherhood)
Then DD was here and I was worried that I was going to be a crap mum. I may not be up for mum of the year anytime soon but I'm pretty confident I'm doing okay.
As much as I look back at my childhood and adult relationship with my own mother and mourn how it could have been better if she was different, I manage to console myself with "well, at least she's taught me what crap parenting is like" so if I do the opposite I must be on the "right" track?
Hope that makes sense......
As it is DD is pretty bloody awesome and loved to bits. Now, I just have to make sure I'm consistent with #2

Spoke to my sisters today about my phone conversation with my mum yesterday - both of them think I'm in the wrong for "not drawing a line under the event" I've her screaming at me on the phone and telling me she was not going to apologise for it.
I've decided that they can act how they want and I'll do what makes me feel better - not having any contact until I feel I can cope with her again. I don't think that will be any time soon.
To all the women who have posted about mothering their own daughters - I bet you are all doing a great job👍