Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Can pictures just appear

150 replies

Laraloulou · 08/08/2016 16:17

Hi, I know this will sound stupid but myself and DP run a buisness together earlier his mobile rang so I rushed to answer it. I missed the call but I know this is wrong I checked his phone he's always so secretive with it. I didn't find much but there was 3 pictures of his naked torso with 'goddess' wrote on it. I confronted him straight away he said "I think they're from ages ago, before we met, they must have just appeared" the date on the photos is from Friday. Can photos just appear in the wrong order? I realise how daft I sound.....

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 09:51

I should be honest and say my ex liked me to feel uncomfortable during sex and was always wanting to take photos. I wouldn't have that again.

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 09:57

He reckons it's not an addiction that he only watches that kind of porn every couple of weeks. To be honest we are pretty much joined at the hip we have sex like every other night I can't see where he'd fit it in just the nights I go to bed early I suppose.

OP posts:

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 09:58

Sorry to hear that lilacpink40 glad you've managed to move on now

OP posts:

rominsandals · 10/08/2016 12:29

Nc, ok I wasn't going to put this on here but I am a weirdo as you put it into bdsm. I'm not a Domme before anyone asks

Yes FinDom is a thing, it comes up on twitter I've noticed. Usually amazon wishlists/paying of bills are involved. Some get their kicks with it all being online through certain bdsm websites, no money or meeting up involved just tasks and power exchange. Proper ProDommes do not have sex with their clients. He could also just have done it himself.

Honestly though the trust is gone, why are you tying yourself up in knots? Pun not intended. I would tell him to either tell you the stark truth or that's it. I'm honest and upfront with any new relationship as it's part of my sexuality, pretty much like how I like ladies too, it's always been a part of me from as long as I can remember. I spent many years repressing and I'm not prepared to do that any more. I know it's niche and the majority not into it so if a potential partner isn't, they aren't for me. Anyway not diverting the topic onto myself just trying to give you an insight.

Best of luck

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 14:22

Romin sorry I probably sounded very one-sided, I know other people like different things. Problem with my ex is that he liked me to feel like shite. The ops partner sounds like he likes variety, and as you say hasn't been honest.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 14:31

Lilac

rominsandals · 10/08/2016 15:27

No need to apologise Lilac, it's an unfortunate fact that some people hide behind being into bdsm to be abusive when really it depends upon masses of communication, trust and mutual respect. I'm so sorry that happened to you

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 16:09

I know the word weird or calling someone a weirdo is harsh sorry. At the time I just lashed out its lack of understanding on my part.
So I've seen his bank statements, nothing on there at all. I've looked through his phone and iPad nothing I've looked through almost 300 unread emails nothing. I even searched his App Store all the ones that may be dodgy didn't show up he'd ever downloaded them. In his Google search there was X hamster which I know is a porn site that doesn't bother me and on the search list were hotels he'd looked at for our trip away a few weeks ago so can't have deleted his search history. Now my head is gone. I still can shake the uneasy feeling about the pictures, if he did just take them for himself is that so bad?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 16:38

It's possible to delete specific items from your browsing history, without deleting everything. Depends on how tech savvy he is.

If he took them for himself, it's not bad IMO. It's the fact that you've been dripfed and don't know the truth.

Some women actually have no issue with their husbands using Dommes, as long as no sex is involved. Same with men whose wives like being subs.

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 16:51

Well I'm more tech savvy then him and I didn't know that.
Some of you may think I'm stupid but I believe now nobody else was involved I really think he just did take them for himself. I've even seen his Amazon account orders just the things for us I knew about, I doubt he'd suspect I'd look at that. Then to have no emails or anything pointing to anyone else. He keeps saying if I want to split up because I think he's 'strange' because of the pictures that's ok just as long as I believe nobody else paid or unpaid was involved

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 17:28

I don't think your stupid at all.

I do think if you make him feel at ease, he'll feel more comfortable to be open with you. I know he's been wrong in lying to you, but perhaps let him know you didn't really mean he was weird, it's just that it was a bit of a shock and not getting the truth straight away has been an issue.

It's a shame he won't let you get into the role and be an occasional Domme for him. It could be a lot of fun for you both. Maybe when all is settled down and you've come through this, you can suprise him and take charge.

I read a pretty good kindle erotica book along those lines and it was enlightening.

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 18:03

Thankyou. Yea the lying is a problem he says he just panicked. I shouldn't have looked through his phone we have things to address before we move forward.
It's not that he won't let me he just doesn't want me to feel I have to. I may look into it but like I say alcohol would have to feature heavily

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/08/2016 18:08

The problem with men treating women like complete fucking idiots is that some women take their lead and act like complete fucking idiots.

The lies are so blatant it's unbelievable.

He is feeding you bullshit, stop eating it.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2016 18:13

Lara, please think carefully about this

If you feel you have to get tanked up and force yourself to be something you are not to keep your bloke's interest then there is something very wrong

Your knee jerk reaction of "this is weird" is your true feeling on the matter. You don't have to be pc to the point of erasing your own boundaries in your own relationship.

If BDSM is not your thing it is not your thing. You can't fake it and tbh you even considering trying makes me think you are either being coerced or are so in thrall to this man you are forgetting your own needs

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 18:23

No honestly I don't feel like I NEED to do it, he's never asked me to. It was more of a joke about getting drunk. I probably won't but if one night I fancy something different I may who knows. I would never do anything I didn't want to

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/08/2016 18:27

I am not sure I believe you Lara

BDSM is not something you "might" try for your boyfriend one night when you are pissed

It's something you wholeheartedly are into for your own sake or it's not

Much like any sexual favour to keep a man would be.

NameChange30 · 10/08/2016 18:29

It's such a depressing response to a lying partner.

Anger and distrust turns into a bizarre willingness to please him sexually.

NameChange30 · 10/08/2016 18:30

It's the "pick me" dance isn't it? Fooling yourself that you can stop a man cheating by giving him exactly what he wants in bed. Except that cheats usually want to cheat.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2016 18:32

Of course it is the Pick Me Dance

Please pick me instead of those random Internet women I deep down know you have been contacting

I will dance for you and in doing so demean myself

Come on Lara. You are better than this.

Original poster

Laraloulou · 10/08/2016 18:36

I haven't said anything to him Emma, I haven't actually spoke to him since lunch time. I'm not going to go making him promises I'll be his domme or anything.

OP posts:

oxcat1 · 10/08/2016 18:39

I have also had photos reappear at a later date when I have deliberately downloaded them again from an external storage source such as Dropbox. The question then would be why? What does he want with the photos now?

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 19:40

I'm not saying it's a case of do it or don't, but there are times people do things (now abd again) they aren't wholly keen on for the love of their spouse.

I've had men and women say they give their OH oral sex and it's not really their thing, but they do it out of love.

I've a colleague who says his wife likes foot rubs and he'd rather not do it, but because she responds very well when he does it and out of love he does it.

That doesn't equate to a pick me dance IMO.

NameChange30 · 10/08/2016 19:57

It does if you do those things because you're worried they'll cheat on you if you don't.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2016 20:41

That's not the same at all, Sandy

Isetan · 11/08/2016 08:46

The conversation with him about 'trying', starts with yourself and that's what you're doing right now. If '"being pissed" is the condition you envision being in to try out new sexual endeavours, then the sexual endeavour isn't for you.

Ask to see the photo, download an app which lets you view meta data and the photo's meta data will show on what device it was taken on.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6