Midlife Crisis ? Affair ? or just doesn't love me ? .....

[user1470296287]

March 26th my husband of 18 years totally out of the blue told me he was unhappy didn't love me anymore and just upped and left us. I have been very confused and trying desperately to make some sense of this as it was something i never would of expected from him.
He was very stressed with work(financial) and for whatever reason has blamed me for this saying he lost respect for me and as a result his feelings have changed. I had no running or financial control of his business at all so its down to his bad management alone its not something i have had a hand in.
This also coincided with him going up North more frequently for the weekend to go out drinking with his friend and his friends sister? and since he has left he goes up there every other weekend saturday to Monday, we live near London so a long way to go for just a pint with mates isn't it ?. He has stayed away from us totally and only ever contacts me through email and then it is only very basic issues to do with house. We have a 15 yr old son together he sees him once a week for about 2 hours for dinner and they make there own arragements. He always asks my son how i am and whats been happening which I'm not happy about as i want my son to enjoy his 2hrs with him and not be reminded of the devastation thats been left a home for us all to cope with.
He lives in a rented room about 5 mins from the house and has been popping to the house to still use the garage and store his motorbike, he took the garage keys so i haven't got access to garage only through the back door and all of his tools are still there. His post still comes to the house. Its 5 months almost and he hasn't really moved on to much as far as still using the house for post and storage and it really annoys me as i feel he should of sorted this by now if he really doesn't want us anymore.
Im really struggling with whats happened and have been in a very low place because of the hurt and rejection i have only just started to dust myself off from this and try and move forward i.e. selling the family home and have cut all communication as a way of dealing with the pain. Im on antidepressants and about to start counselling which is my way of gaining control. I really want to start a new life for me and my Son renting our own house as there won't be enough money to buy a place as house prices and my part-time NHS wage(even full-time) would not stretch to this, i need to stand on my own 2 feet and never have to see him or speak with him again if i have to, it sounds drastic but I'm on my knees with hurt and just can't make sense of why this has happened to us.
So my question really is as i have been obsessively scouring the internet trying to find answers to the reason why as my title says one day i think its definitely Midlife Crisis as he fits the selfish cold way he has done this and i really feel there is someone else OW in the background, then maybe its grass is greener syndrome and he is feeling that he wants more as he told me that he has feelings for me but its not enough as he needs more ? it took 18 years to decide this so who knows. Or he just totally doesn't love me anymore and I've got to accept this and see it for what it is, find that hard as i have never ever doubted his love for me before this and find it hard to get into my head after 18yrs and the fact that we were still having regular sex and he was still saying he loved me until the day he left ???

Sorry for the long post but I'm really interested for any advice or ideas on what the cause of this could be as sometimes other opinions help to un- jumble the thoughts if that makes sense.
I totally don't want the selfish prick back as his treatment of the family has been disgusting but would be interested what the general opinion to his behaviour is.
Thankyou in advance for reading this far and look forward to seeing your comments.
Kind Regards Michelle x

Hey is anyone there? Feeling lost and sad. I thought we might make it but tonight DH told me it's over. He doesn't love me. When we can work out next steps he's leaving. I'm so so so cross. I'm so sad. He's ruining our DC's lives. He's ruining my life. We've been in counselling. I thought we'd make it. I hate him so much right now. He's making a stupid mistake. I said I hope the DC hate him. Was that bad of me? I know I want them to love their Dad. But how could they love him when they know what he's going to do to us? He makes me so cross. He insists I'll be fine. Apparently I'm 'strong'. Sorry, I'm going to swear. I FUCKING hate him right now. Help me MN.

Start, I'm so sorry.It seems to be such a familiar story.Weak, immature men reach a stage where they feel they have to be selfish and put their happiness first.

The wife is usually blamed for everything wrong in their life.

Anger is actually good as it will help you to take action.He's decided he wants out and has emotionally detached.Let him go, even though it feels so difficult.Your children will be OK..Sad but they will cope.

He is making his choice and knowing the heartache he is causing to his family.

You will be OK, women thrive on their own and usually do much better than men.

Do you suspect OW? Is there anything in his behaviour such as phone secrecy?

Don't blame yourself, get support from family and see a solicitor.Keep your cards close to your chest however as he's no longer working with you, that will become apparent and it's a shock when you realise you are now the enemy.

It will take months for you to reach the same detachment as him but it will come.
I'm 4 months down the line, mine never said he wanted to leave, guess he was cowardly so treated me dreadfully until I told him to go.Then of course he can blame me! I would not go back under any circumstances and making the changes so I have a good life with family and friends.

It will be the same for you.

Thanks so much. I need to hear all that. He's being so horribly selfish but he's blaming me. Our conversations go round and round. Our older DC's have big exams coming up so no point in telling them yet. They will be so devastated. Honestly we had what appeared to be a loving, happy marriage. I don't think there's an OW, but I think there's the prospect of a new life with new love. Ugh, bastard, he's hurting me so much. Thanks again, really appreciate your post.

Its ok to feel some pity for him if his life is going down the pan and the grass isn't as green as he'd hoped. However, keep your boundaries and don't get embroiled in it, because as he so charmingly told you once "he's not your problem any more".

My ex was having a hard time a year or so ago, had split up with his new woman (not OW) and was generally depressed. I felt sorry for him and we had a chat and I gave him a hug. But that was it, just some words of comfort from someone who knew him well. I'm totally happy with my current DP and have no intention of going back to XH, but it doesn't mean my heart has hardened towards him.

If your boundaries are strong enough not to get sucked in, there's no reason you have to be cold and aloof to your XH. In fact, in a cynical way, being caring and sympathetic but then walking away to get on with your happy life, while he's left there feeling shit and seeing what a wonderful woman he lost might be harder on him than ignoring him!

Start I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this too. Do you have a thread of your own that we can post on to save it getting confused with user147etc

Hi I'm still stuck in the same limbo of feeling hurt and lost and its now a year since this all started.
I really struggle to understand what he has actually gained in this year as he is now without family, business and no permanent home just his third rental of a 1 bed home.

Was life with me so unbearable that he prefers to live like this, if i was a bad person i would understand but my only crime was to love and trust him and he destroyed that and threw it all away.

Still no concrete evidence of OW but still goes up north but not as regularly.
I really find this hard not to take it personally but i always come back to it being something he found lacking in me to do the hurtful things he has done.

Trying to work out how to let go and move on but its very hard, I'm stuck.

M xx

I think the part that I struggle with the most is as you said was life with me so bad that he prefers sofa surfing, being constantly broke, never seeing his DS and just generally living like a tramp. Obviously it was.

Sorry User287 you deserve better. I've set up my own thread as the pp suggested. Hope we can stay in touch here or there. Be strong 🌷

Hi i just thought i would update my first year of being left by my H.

Im no further on from finding out about OW but am totally convinced there was an attraction up North and it was a safe bet for him as it was unlikely to come out. He still goes up there but not nearly as much as he used to, he has made no plans to move up that way so far.So i don't think that lasted very long.

In this year i have suffered heartbreak like i never knew possible to feel and had a total breakdown and had to take 2 months away from work.
I bounced back and started to climb out of that hole by cutting all contact and if i ever hear from him which is very rare its by email and i always reply with a short sharp answer.That is all the contact i will allow.

I have sold the family home all on my own with no help from him and moved to a lovely little rental property.
I have now bought a share in a beautiful 2 bedroom house that has just been built and I'm now 4 weeks away from moving again, its mine and no one will ever take it away from me.
I managed to get some more nursing qualifications (don't ask me how) and have increased my hours and pay and managed to stay in a job i love.
My DS has got his place at his chosen college and is just about to sit his GCSE's he is happy and just as loving and well behaved as he has always been and gives me a cuddle and i love you Mum everyday (Priceless) Im very proud of him.
My daughter is planning on buying her first home and hopefully starting a family this year. Im also very proud of her and so lucky to have my lovely children with me all the time.

I have two lovely holidays to look forward to this Summer and a very good group of friends also a great social life, a family that loves me.

My ex H is in a rented 3 bed and about to leave that for a rented 1 bed, he has lost his business and now in the process of training for a new business to run, he is shocking with money so it doesn't bode well.
He sees my DS once a week for 3 hours and spends all his spare time in the pub and most weekends drunk so I'm led to believe.
He lost his home, his family and also all of my family who loved and respected him and relies on people in the pub for company. He by his own admission is racked with guilt and is finding it hard to deal with.
All this pain and loneliness and for what...Green Grass that turned to mud. I wasn't perfect but i was loyal and supportive and would of loved him till the day he died.

So its been quite an eventful year possibly the worse of my life so far, but when i look on all the positives i have now in my life i think he may have won the battle but i definitely won the war.

Its so sad really and a total waste but i have got my self respect and along with everything else I'm a very lucky lady.
Bit of a long post but hopefully anyone reading who has just started this awful journey can find some hope that you do eventually start seeing that light and you really will get through this.

Lots of love

M xx

Wow! You've done amazingly well, well done you.
That's some achievement

You're an inspiration! Thanks for posting and good luck in your lovely new house.

Thats so great to hear, for you and all of us on this awful road. We will all make it, and will hopefully be as happy as you one day. Well done xxx

Well done you! You've turned the biggest shock and upheaval to your life around and can look back now with a more positive outlook on your future, a better position professionally, probably better support from friends and family and an XH who has had his karma because his new fling didn't work out to be as he thought!!! 🙌🏻

Thanks for updating us xx

Well done 👍You've done so well,
Are situations are so similar that I could have wrote it myself.
Your amazing
Xx

Mine did the same after 17 years. He never said he wasn't happy just left. Everyone was gobsmacked as they said they thought we were the couple who would never split.
After a while I was glad he left as I never did face the reality that he was a selfish, lazy piece of shit.
Life is better now he's gone.

But to get back to the point I had no idea why either, probably another woman but I can't be sure.

Hi all, do good to hear your positive stories of moving on and finding happiness :0)

An update on me, I finally broke, I wasn't coping and saw my gp. He confirmed I was suffering emotional abuse from my husband and referred me to a women's centre. After a couple of hours telling my story to these wonderful support workers they confirmed the behaviours where that of a dominant partner who for what ever reason was emotionally abusing me and I didn't even realise! He'd made me believe the problem was all me, it's so surreal how someone can control you without realising it. I'm moving on... he won't leave the house but I've started legal proceedings and filing for divorce so that I can move on and be a happy mother to my kids. What sort of man doesn't show any interest in his newborn daughter just to get at his wife. Although it physically hurts I've lost my best friend I am so looking forward to the rest of my life and being happy, making my own decisions. Anyone suffering the same behaviours, I urge you not to out up with it. Be happy xx

M Ive just read this thread from start to finish and I have to say how impressive you come across. You're not lacking a thing, giving him a reason to leave. You're better than him, he's the one lacking, sadly. He's been down this road and not learned his lesson. It's sad he seems to be so low and wrecking his life, but he didn't think twice about you and the kids before things took a downward spiral for him. You can't help him, you can't cure him, you can't carry him. You've got yourself to look after, he's got to look after himself. And the last 18 years weren't a waste. I'm sure you had many happy years, they weren't fake, and you created your son. Plus you created yourself, a strong woman who had forged through all this hurt and got more qualifications and a new house that nobody can take away. I know you're going to be up and down for a while, but you should be so so proud of yourself. You've got a bright future on the horizon, things have turned round..x

Honeyroar, thankyou for your lovely post,your right he has made a mess of his life and now he must be left to get on with it.He has hurt me so deeply with his ability to just walk away and leave me to pick up the pieces. He ha never looked back. It huts so much.

I have so much in my life to be grateful for and my children are my greatest achievement i feel so much pride when i see what nice respectful people they have become. It is them that has kept me from totally falling apart.

I look back on this last year and can't believe how far we have come and we have so much to look forward to.

Having said that i still miss the man he was ,the man i had so much trust and faith in. its shocking how much damage one person can do to another when you are no longer of any use.

Thankyou again for your kind words of encouragement it really means a lot and helps to have other peoples opinions on my situation.

M xx

Oh forgot to say in my update I've legally changed my surname back to maiden name and its a wonderful feeling to be that person again the one who had new hopes for a happier future.
Try it its Great

Love M xx

User - I think you are doing mighty fine and underestimating how much you've achieved and how far you've come. I know you'll continue to excel, you're made of strong stuff.

What an inspiration you are, User287. It's wonderful that you were able to achieve so much, and come out out a horrid situation so strong. Lots and lots of for you.

Well how ironinc is this !!!

Its exactly a year today since he left and i have been beating myself up all year racking my brains as to what i have done wrong to have deserved this disgusting treatment and his total lack of care for us.

Well i now have my answer, i was looking around on Facebook not something i tend to do often and looked on the page of the mother of the women up North that i have expected all along and there they were all having a lovely mothers day meal !!
My gut instinct is usually strong and i have believed this to be the real reason all along but he was just to coward to be honest, well at least i now know the truth and it hurts like hell.

He looked totally miserable in the pic and everyone else seemed to be smiling and having a good time ...he didn't.

You reap what you sow .

Gutted tonight but tomorrow i have to pick myself up and continue on my new path.

M xx

I'm 2 weeks into discovering H' s affair, after 22 years of marriage. He swears it was never physical, but it hurts like hell. He wants to be forgiven and move on, I'm still in shock and grief.

Update....19 months on

Hi just thought i would raise this thread again and update where i am in terms of moving on.
I am loving living in my new house and enjoying having my security again and especially not having to worry about ex dh and his terrible debt problems. Money is very tight for me but i can pay my bills and don't owe a penny to anyone.

My son has passed his GCSE's with fantastic grades and now settled into college, still tells me he loves me everyday and is a great pleasure to be around.

We have now got a beautiful little dog and she has made our lives complete i feel so much happier with life now and its nice to get out for the regular walks to clear the mind, it has also given me something else to focus on.

So I'm getting on and living a life this time last year i would never of imagined its been tough at times but I'm grateful the nightmare first months are far behind me.

My ex is now living in a 1 bed tiny rented flat, he has moved 3 times, he has in the last year owned and sold 2 x vans, one big red sportscar, 2 x motorbikes and has been on 5 lads holidays.
He closed our business, retrained and not completed a course for his new business but only works a few days a week as he has not been signed off as competent. The business has failed to take off.
He has gained 3 stone and drinks every night in the local pub and every night at home as well, he goes on his holidays with the local lonely old 72 year old man who he met in the pub.
He doesn't seem to go up North as regular now maybe once a month but i don't think whoever turned his head has turned out to be his happy ever after.
He sees our son 2 x a week for dinner and every time always asks how is everyone at home and also told my son he really misses my cooking(haha) he lives off pub dinners and microwave meals.

A friend commented on a pic she had seen of him on FB and said he looks like a broken man and has aged quite considerably.

None of this has made me glad to hear as i think its all so very sad that he threw everything away for what I'm sure he thought was greener pastures to end up in this position at his time of life(49).
He may be happy as larry but i have a strong gut feeling he is totally miserable.

So in answer to my original post title..i think it was(is) a Midlife Crisis resulting in an affair that never worked out.

Thanks for listening but felt i had to update as for some reason I'm feeling so heartsore and sad that our Sons life and security has been turned upside down for what seems to me absolutely NOTHING but his selfish need to prove he was worth more than his family.

Thanks again
M xx