Midlife Crisis ? Affair ? or just doesn't love me ? .....

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March 26th my husband of 18 years totally out of the blue told me he was unhappy didn't love me anymore and just upped and left us. I have been very confused and trying desperately to make some sense of this as it was something i never would of expected from him.
He was very stressed with work(financial) and for whatever reason has blamed me for this saying he lost respect for me and as a result his feelings have changed. I had no running or financial control of his business at all so its down to his bad management alone its not something i have had a hand in.
This also coincided with him going up North more frequently for the weekend to go out drinking with his friend and his friends sister? and since he has left he goes up there every other weekend saturday to Monday, we live near London so a long way to go for just a pint with mates isn't it ?. He has stayed away from us totally and only ever contacts me through email and then it is only very basic issues to do with house. We have a 15 yr old son together he sees him once a week for about 2 hours for dinner and they make there own arragements. He always asks my son how i am and whats been happening which I'm not happy about as i want my son to enjoy his 2hrs with him and not be reminded of the devastation thats been left a home for us all to cope with.
He lives in a rented room about 5 mins from the house and has been popping to the house to still use the garage and store his motorbike, he took the garage keys so i haven't got access to garage only through the back door and all of his tools are still there. His post still comes to the house. Its 5 months almost and he hasn't really moved on to much as far as still using the house for post and storage and it really annoys me as i feel he should of sorted this by now if he really doesn't want us anymore.
Im really struggling with whats happened and have been in a very low place because of the hurt and rejection i have only just started to dust myself off from this and try and move forward i.e. selling the family home and have cut all communication as a way of dealing with the pain. Im on antidepressants and about to start counselling which is my way of gaining control. I really want to start a new life for me and my Son renting our own house as there won't be enough money to buy a place as house prices and my part-time NHS wage(even full-time) would not stretch to this, i need to stand on my own 2 feet and never have to see him or speak with him again if i have to, it sounds drastic but I'm on my knees with hurt and just can't make sense of why this has happened to us.
So my question really is as i have been obsessively scouring the internet trying to find answers to the reason why as my title says one day i think its definitely Midlife Crisis as he fits the selfish cold way he has done this and i really feel there is someone else OW in the background, then maybe its grass is greener syndrome and he is feeling that he wants more as he told me that he has feelings for me but its not enough as he needs more ? it took 18 years to decide this so who knows. Or he just totally doesn't love me anymore and I've got to accept this and see it for what it is, find that hard as i have never ever doubted his love for me before this and find it hard to get into my head after 18yrs and the fact that we were still having regular sex and he was still saying he loved me until the day he left ???

Sorry for the long post but I'm really interested for any advice or ideas on what the cause of this could be as sometimes other opinions help to un- jumble the thoughts if that makes sense.
I totally don't want the selfish prick back as his treatment of the family has been disgusting but would be interested what the general opinion to his behaviour is.
Thankyou in advance for reading this far and look forward to seeing your comments.
Kind Regards Michelle x

If you get back with him now, you'll have half the money (because he's blown his share), a very, very confused son and daughter, resentment coming out of every pore and an inability to ever trust him again.

Seriously, it's not worth it.

You're obviously a lovely woman and yes, he doesn't deserve you.

Another voice saying don't waste your love and care on someone who threw them away so carelessly.

Focus on the good things in your life. Show your family by example that you respect yourself. All the very best.

Thankyou for your very sensible replies,
i find it a comfort to see that although he tried to blame me for this situation it was his selfishness all along and had nothing to with me at all. I think that is what has kept me trapped in this never ending cycle of thought that i had done something terrible and he was punishing me. It was him all along !!

I have come a very long way in just under a year and i really think he didn't expect me to be as strong as i have and to move on as far as i have in terms of practicalities .

Its just the emotional stuff to deal with now and the rejection still stings but I'm getting there.
Maybe he sees what a mess he has made maybe not , its like everything since this nightmare started I'm guessing all the time as he has been to coward to come forward with the truth.

Thankyou all so much it helps to read this thread when I'm feeling low and see how things have changed in such a short space of time.
Your help is always welcome and the advice priceless .

Many Thanks

Have a lovely day

Mxx

Its Valentines day and it is also my Wedding Anniversary I'm so sad its all come back and slapped me in the face today. Im so sad at the waste of 18 years everything we worked for all gone...Why ??

Its still a guessing game for me and i have still not seen him or spoken face to face since last May its hard to believe he thought so little of me and the life we had together its heartbreaking.

Im being strong everyday and pushing forward and the nuts and bolts of our lives are now in place my Son i happy and doing well, but i feel so very sad and hurt i just want it to stop.

Sorry to whinge but just had to try and get some relief from this awful heavy feeling in my chest. Thought writing it down would make it feel better.

M x

I've just read your post after the worst Valentines day of my life. Your strength and good sense have meant a lot. Why men do this to good wives who loved and cherished them for so long is a mystery to me. Don't feel low today - you are on a journey and despite the twists and turns you are in control, creating the next sentences and chapters that might mean next year's Valentines Day isn't quite so bad. Not necessarily because either of us have found new love, but because we've stayed strong and true to ourselves. What more can we do?

Startoftheyear2017 so sorry your in this horrible time as well its shocking isn't it especially when you didn't have a clue it was going to happen.

I have many positives in my life and i really feel that I'm nearly through the worst of it practically but definatly not emotionally.

Sending you lots of strength and a hug as like you said yourself what more can we do. The best thing is put your eyes forward and keep moving on I'm sure your right this time next year we will be in a totally different place.

Take care
M xx

Hi
I have read your story from the beginning
It is so similar to mine, it could be me writing it
I have not seen mine since May last year also, have moved house like you, trying to settle into our new home.
We were married for 20 plus years and have three children.
I have good days and bad, but since the new year seem to cry everyday and feel so so low.
He left in January last year for a younger woman with no children.
I'm always here for you, its only when you have walked in our shoes that you totally understand the rollercoaster of emotions involved.
I think Valentine's Day just hilights what ourselves and our children have lost, our family unit and shared history.
I still feel in shock that they can walk away and move on leaving us to pick up the broken pieces of a shattered family and the emotional pain our children feel.
I think we have done so so well and our continuing with our lives but it can be so hard.
Start of the year 2017, sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday,
I felt so bad on Valentine's Day last year as mine had only just left six weeks before.
The emotional pain felt unbearable, but this year the pain is there,but it isn't as painful.
How long is it since your husband/partner left.
I understand that we all want the pain to stop.
I feel like that all the time and worry what my future holds.
But I just thnk I really don't want to be with someone who treated us with such disrespect and walked out at Christmas with such disregard for myself and our three children.
I am sending you both big hugs and 🌺🌺.
Always here for you to chat.
❤xx

Thanks to both of you lovely women. I'm some steps behind you both. It's still a horrible, painful secret - we've been in couples counselling and he's recently stopped that and started with his own counsellor. I can't think of anything else. All day long I think about this new reality. I would have struggled even more without MN. Reading your and other posts and beginning to see I might survive this and be able to protect my 4 DC has really really helped. Sending you my best this morning.

To all going through this. I have walked in those shoes - 30 years together. OW. Denial. Lies. Deceit.

The sadness lingers but becomes less obvious and buds of happiness begin to burst through. Nurture the buds and they grow and happiness in life becomes greater than sadness.

We are all stronger than at times we think we are.

It so lovely to hear that there is light at the end of tunnel,
I just don't seem to have much hope that this fog of despair will clear.
How long did it take for you to start feeling better raeofsun and how are you and your family now.
I worry how my childrenwill fair with all the lies, deceit that they have witnessed.
My son has been very depressed with it and my daughter doesn't want to see him because he made little time for her when he first left.
I just worry how about the future and really don't want to end up stuck in the past or an angry bitter woman.
Would love to hear how you got to embrace happier times 🌺🌺❤xx

I realised being bitter and sad wasn't hurting him but was hurting me and would have hurt my children. What's gone is gone. Yesterday is yesterday. The sun always rises every morning. Every morning is time for a new way to embrace life. I counted what I had - my DC, my family, friends, I love my job, my health. And I realised I was the only one who could change my life.

Continuing to hold bitterness and sadness extends his control over you. Break free of his control. Take back control. Head high, back straight, smile and breathe life into your body. You can be a role model for your DC that not everything goes according to plan but when you get a setback you don't give up or give in you look at the positives.

Sorry but of an essay in the end [embarrassed]

Ladies i really believe that happiness can not be built on someone else's sadness and i truly believe that is what the future holds for our ex's it might not be whilst they are riding the crest of that wave when everything is sweetness and new, but last thing at night before they go to sleep they have to face the guilt of what they have done and i know i would rather have a good nights sleep.

We get to walk away with our self respect and also never have to live in an empty home with no love or respect from the people that used to give that to us freely, i think its incredibly sad for them, they might not realise now but the implications for what they have done will go on for a very long time for them I'm sure.

I still feel hurt and have that big hollow in my tummy every time i think about it but my life is moving on and I'm going with the flow, I'm surrounded by people that truly love me and that gets me through.

All the best ladies i know we will come through this and I'm almost certain we won't be the losers.

M xx

Both your posts are inspirational and so so true,
I'm going to read them over and over when things get tough.
Our stories are so alike op and just reading how far you have come is brilliant.
Yes I do believe the implications for their actions will go on for along and our children know the full story and can make their own minds up about their future relationship with them.
I really hope things keep improving for us and as they say time will help us.
We have our family , friends and that really is priceless.
They have shown their true colours and revealed how shallow they are as they threw away their family for a pipe dream.
Take care ladies, onwards and upwards,
We may hsbe bad times and hit brick walls on the way, but you have given me hope we can get there❤🌺❤

OP, do not feel pity for him, remember he shat all over you and there was no guilt then was there?

No doubt the OW up North has ended it and that's why he's having his pity party; he sounds an incredibly nasty selfish git and you'd be mad to get involved with him again, even on a civil basis; this is the person that ripped your world apart remember.

Keep going, see you can do it, you've done it already!

Hi Adora10 thanks for your post, i wouldn't go there again as you rightly said he was a spiteful selfish git, just find the whole thing shocking when i think of how he turned against me for something he 'd done.

Onwards and upwards for me

M xx

How are you doing OP? I'm having a tough week.

Hi Startoftheyear2017,

Sorry to hear your having a tough week, its awful when one minute you think its ok i can do this, then the next all the painful memories and words that have been spoken come back and put your in that horrible place again.

I still get days even nearly a year on when it hits me and I'm so ver sad for what has been thrown away it doesn't seem possible that someone can do this much damage does it.

Try keeping your eyes forward and a bit by tiny bit it will all start to sort itself out and the pain won't be so sharp.

Im with you on this so try not to feel to alone, always reach out and i will answer.

Take good care
Big hug
M xx

Thanks. Wonderful helpful words.

Hi ladies
Yes, startoftheyear, so sorry to hear you are having a hard week.
I am like the op , it is so difficult and them tough times are horrible but so normal.
This time last year I was literally a quivering wreck and really didn't feel I could carry on.
Yes I still have bad days , keep to a format a lady who had walked in our shoes told me, think only a minute or half an hour at a time, try not to think to far ahead as it becomes so scary.
Keep posting on here, we are with you all the way , I wish I had known about mumsnet then, I felt so alone at times, even though I had great friends and family.
My children felt devestated too and I had to help them.
Like op says, it doesn't seem possible that someone can do this much damage to your family unit . ..... but they have and that reality is what sends you into shock and why the pain is so intense.
I'm with you also, reach out here and we will help you. 🌺💗

Thanks both. Means a lot. I have great friends IRL but you seem to understand exactly what I need to hear (read). Thanks.

Hi all
I'm devastated at the moment. My husband has been depressed/mid life crisis for 9 months. Basically since I fell pregnant with our second child. Now she is two weeks old and I'm sleep deprived I just can't take anymore. He blames me says I control his life and have sucked the life out of him.

I'm going to ask him to leave for a few weeks as I cannot function. He still comes in from work asking what's for dinner which makes me so angry.

He will not acknowledge that he's ill, he changed overnight and is destroying what was a beautiful marriage.

I've read about three stages of midlife crises and that the partner is encouraged to keep still give them space etc etc. Has anyone ever managed to do this?? I don't hear any success stories it's heart breaking

Xx

Me again, does anyone have any information about support groups available for people who's partners are depressed?

Hi , so sorry your going through this its horrible and can really do a lot of emotional damage to you and especially as you have just had a baby, if your not careful your mental health will suffer.

I can't help with any support groups but maybe having a chat with your GP will help.
Also it might be an idea if you can do a bit of digging and find out whats triggered this depression/mid life crisis. My husband try to make out he was depressed and i was the cause without anything to back this up with, it was a horrible time. He was feathering his nest elsewhere.

Sorry your having to go though this as it really takes its toll on your health.
Take care and keep posting if it helps.
M x