Midlife Crisis ? Affair ? or just doesn't love me ? .....

[user1470296287]

March 26th my husband of 18 years totally out of the blue told me he was unhappy didn't love me anymore and just upped and left us. I have been very confused and trying desperately to make some sense of this as it was something i never would of expected from him.
He was very stressed with work(financial) and for whatever reason has blamed me for this saying he lost respect for me and as a result his feelings have changed. I had no running or financial control of his business at all so its down to his bad management alone its not something i have had a hand in.
This also coincided with him going up North more frequently for the weekend to go out drinking with his friend and his friends sister? and since he has left he goes up there every other weekend saturday to Monday, we live near London so a long way to go for just a pint with mates isn't it ?. He has stayed away from us totally and only ever contacts me through email and then it is only very basic issues to do with house. We have a 15 yr old son together he sees him once a week for about 2 hours for dinner and they make there own arragements. He always asks my son how i am and whats been happening which I'm not happy about as i want my son to enjoy his 2hrs with him and not be reminded of the devastation thats been left a home for us all to cope with.
He lives in a rented room about 5 mins from the house and has been popping to the house to still use the garage and store his motorbike, he took the garage keys so i haven't got access to garage only through the back door and all of his tools are still there. His post still comes to the house. Its 5 months almost and he hasn't really moved on to much as far as still using the house for post and storage and it really annoys me as i feel he should of sorted this by now if he really doesn't want us anymore.
Im really struggling with whats happened and have been in a very low place because of the hurt and rejection i have only just started to dust myself off from this and try and move forward i.e. selling the family home and have cut all communication as a way of dealing with the pain. Im on antidepressants and about to start counselling which is my way of gaining control. I really want to start a new life for me and my Son renting our own house as there won't be enough money to buy a place as house prices and my part-time NHS wage(even full-time) would not stretch to this, i need to stand on my own 2 feet and never have to see him or speak with him again if i have to, it sounds drastic but I'm on my knees with hurt and just can't make sense of why this has happened to us.
So my question really is as i have been obsessively scouring the internet trying to find answers to the reason why as my title says one day i think its definitely Midlife Crisis as he fits the selfish cold way he has done this and i really feel there is someone else OW in the background, then maybe its grass is greener syndrome and he is feeling that he wants more as he told me that he has feelings for me but its not enough as he needs more ? it took 18 years to decide this so who knows. Or he just totally doesn't love me anymore and I've got to accept this and see it for what it is, find that hard as i have never ever doubted his love for me before this and find it hard to get into my head after 18yrs and the fact that we were still having regular sex and he was still saying he loved me until the day he left ???

Sorry for the long post but I'm really interested for any advice or ideas on what the cause of this could be as sometimes other opinions help to un- jumble the thoughts if that makes sense.
I totally don't want the selfish prick back as his treatment of the family has been disgusting but would be interested what the general opinion to his behaviour is.
Thankyou in advance for reading this far and look forward to seeing your comments.
Kind Regards Michelle x

Your husband has made his choice, so now he has to live with the consequenses !

Which will probably be that he will have to pay for house until your son is out of education

If he is paying for the house, there is probably no way you can deny him access to the garage

I would suggest, start divorce process asap

Go back to work full time and save up some money

A while since i posted on this thread but felt i needed to update it.
Its been a tough couple of months and lots has happened. I have sold the family home and i am to move into a little rented house 19th Dec. I have done everything myself and have not had any help or input from stbxh except him stating how much he wants in his bank on completion day.
I am almost 99% certain there has been OW all along and he is still going up north every other weekend, its so heartbreaking i feel i am losing everything i have worked for because he is so selfish.He has acted in such a cowardly way and i feel so low and worthless that he felt so little about me after 18 years that he has swatted me away like an annoying fly.
Sorry for the rant just feel so lost and scared even though its been 8 months now i should be feeling stronger.
I feel he is riding the crest of the wave and having a ball and his new life is all sorted and happy, whereas myself and my son have a major upheaval and I'm still crying everyday from the rejection.
Thanks for listening i just had to get my thoughts and feelings out there in the hope of some relief from the horrible situation i find us in now. M x

It's completely natutal to have these feelings, you are responding to the loss and will grieve.

For what it's worth his grief will come later and by then you will be living a better life.
Women usually cope much better then men with divorce.
The novelty will wear off and the grass isn't greener.My friends husband left her for OW, yet 5 years on he's looks like a broken man as the impact of what he has done hits home.OW is not as lovely as his wife!!

Good relationships need commitment and communication and your H doesn't have form for either of those.

I am just separating from my H, not sure if there is an OW but he has been angry and blaming of me for a long while which is often the sign of OW.

We are the same age and I will also have to sell the family home and uproot my son to a new area.It is daunting but just believe that your life will be better and you will be happy again.

It's a horrible time OP. I was like you - married for 20 years - he suddenly said didn't love me any more as I had been unsupportive during a lot of our marriage apparently (news to me!). I suspected OW, but he denied, denied, denied. Be prepared a few months down the line for him to suddenly present a 'new' love interest - only she probably won't be that new; she will be the OW responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. You sound like you are doing so well - you have a new start in a new home. Wallow in the freedom you now have - focus on you and your son, and lean on friends and family when you have down days. 8 months isn't long. You will have sad days, but you will have lots more good days as time moves on.

Livelove the OP's husband is responsible for the breakdown. He was the one bound to her in terms of love and loyalty don't try and deflect her anger by making the other woman responsible for this. Typical!

OP you are doing all the right things, taking back control and moving on with your life. It's hard at first but try not to think about what he is doing or who the OW is, it doesn't help. Good luck in your new home and I hope you find happiness again xxxx

(Ps I am very happy single mum, it's so much easier longer term once you have recovered) xxx

Thankyou for your replies, it is so scary to hear of so many women in the same situation isn't it.
My stbexh came to empty the garage last night it was the only thing i asked him to do as its full of his tools, he did this in the dark as he is to much of a coward to let the neighbours see what a selfish idiot he is. He will only contact me through email and now the garage is empty and its only 3 weeks until the house is gone , i will not have to have any contact with him again only the divorce and he said he is going to do that after a 2 year separation.

This is the worst part just sitting in limbo waiting to move on to a new start. I have got rid of everything in the home apart from my sons personal stuff and everything for my new home is new and mine and my choice only, its a nice feeling i just hope i don't continue to torture myself with these constant thoughts that i was just not good enough and he has moved on to a better women and life it hurts so much.

Hermonie2016 so sorry your facing this situation yourself its horrible isn't it, and your words of his later regret are what has gone through my mind, i hope that is the case as it will prove to me that this is totally his fault and not anything to do with me at all.

Livelovebehappy thank you I'm sure the further i move away from the situation the better i will feel and time will help to heal as i feel broken and still shocked to find myself here through no fault of my own.
Take care ladies be happy and thank you again for your replies it helps to see your kind words. M x

i will not have to have any contact with him again only the divorce and he said he is going to do that after a 2 year separation.

Why are you letting him control the pace of things? Can't you start the process now.

I agree with sandy. See a solicitor, file for divorce sooner rather than later. I waited 2 years (which were up in September 2016) and am now reliving all of the trauma all over again as he is (unsurprisingly) being a dick about it, I wish I'd done it sooner as it'd all be settled by now.

You'll be ok OP, you're grieving for your marriage and going through a rough stage but it will get better. Please don't think that because he is happy now he won't have to deal with it all in the future. He definitely will at some time have to acknowledge and deal with the pain he's caused you and DC. Right now he's so self obsessed he can't or won't acknowledge the pain he's caused. He's justifying his selfish behaviour by minimising the hurt and destruction. But one day it will hit him. It's there buried inside him, and it will eat away until he deals with it. By that time you'll be fine.

Divorce him now! Take control, get it done and dusted. You'll feel empowered by taking control, you will move on quickly, you won't have two years of this horrible black cloud over you.

Also it will show him what a strong, independent woman he has foolishly lost. You didn't want any of this, but show him once and for all that he doesn't get to dictate to you ever again. Then you can work on your new future and leave him to face the reality of what he's done.

I don't think he's having a mid life crisis, he's having a relationship with the OW up North and has been for as long as he's been going there.

He sounds pretty sure about what he's doing, you need to do the same and forget about him as much as you can, he's no friend, he's let you down massively and not worth your time anymore, easier said than done I know, he's also got form for it.

The best revenge on him is for you to show him you are happier without him.

I have done everything myself and have not had any help or input from stbxh except him stating how much he wants in his bank on completion day

What percentage of the equity that will be realised from the sale of the house is he demanding expectng to receive?

I note that it was your intention to consult a solicitor back in August and I am curious as to whether you were advised you to sell the marital home before instituting divorce proceedings?

Hi i did speak with a solicititor in August and he told me it wasn't in my best interest to sell the family home, but i have been relying on my ex to pay half of the mortgage and he couldn't be trusted and i would live in constant anxiety as to weather he would pay, so in order for me to take control of my finances and future I've opted for a total clean break i have found it so hard living in this house with what he has done to us as the memories are overwhelming. I have insisted on 75% of the equity and a years maintenance up front whilst he is still living locally and not paying out for his new woman and her son. I would love to divorce him now but can't afford to and wanted the house and finances sorted first as i just want a straight forward divorce when i feel emotionally stronger. M x

He has an ow and she has a ds? O honey, I want to give you a huge hug and wrap you in a warm fluffy blanket until you are emotionally and legally free of the lying cunt twunt.

Does opting for a 'total clean break' mean that you have forfeited your right to half of whatever's left of his pension that hasn't been allocated to his two exes, and have you signed any documents to this effect?

OP can't you just file for divorce yourself? I think it's about £350 & just cite either his adultery &/or unreasonable behaviour??
It was a happy day when my decree absolute came through
Sounds like you have already sorted financials, but do make sure he provides properly for your DS. As mentioned by goddess have you forfeited your right to his pension & spousal maintenance?? Would be worth looking into before you complete on the house & give him money. Wishing 2017 brings you great happiness & peace.

Thankyou so much and that cuddle and fluffy blanket sound great. He is horrendous with money and his frozen pension is not worth the fight so i settled for the bigger portion of equity and maintenance for my 15yr old until he leaves full time education. Its worth it to me now to just take the money and run to put as much distance between us as i can. Let him learn the hard way about his choice as he will not be able to get a mortgage as his self employed earning are on the books very low and if he is moving up North of which I'm sure he is as he has no one except my son here that wants anything to do with him now. It will be very sad for my son but his dad didn't care enough to protect his family from hurt loss and pain i think when my lovely caring son is old enough he will work this out for himself.
Its heartbreaking leaving my home as my children and home are the center of my life but needs must.
My eldest is 29 and buying a house with her partner, i can't earn enough for a mortgage on a 2 bed house even with 2 jobs where i live as i work for the NHS at a job i love and really don't want to leave but the salary just won't be high enough. Ive put a years rent on the house we are moving too, to allow me time to heal and get strong and work out my next move. My Son has applied for sixth form college in a town away from where we live now and the area is cheaper so might buy something for us both there, if not i will buy a 1 bedroom house and rent that out and it will be an income for me and will at least pay half of my rent on the 2 bedroom place whilst i need it.

So as you can see my wonderful selfish ex has swanned off to his new life without a backward glance or thought as to how i will manage in the future as his reply when i asked him right in the beginning of this nightmare how will i cope he said you are no longer my problem(nice man).
Im strong and i will get past this but this year has been one of the hardest of my life, I'm totally crushed.
M x

Wow, you have done so much since your last post. Look at what you have achieved.

There is nothing wrong with you, only him. He couldnt be arsed to put the effor in to keep your relationship alive, he didn't have the strength to be truthfully or the compassion to treat you and his son with kindness and respect. He put his ego first, took the easy option, which statistically will fall flat once the novelty wears off. He is already ashamed of his behaviour as his nocturnal garage clearance would imply.

You have coped and are moving forwards to a better life. I agree with other posters who say get the divorce moving, why does he want to wait 2 years, sounds like he is hedging his bets. Cut out the dead wood that he is and move forwards. You will feel better soon, honestly xxx

I never stop being amazed at a person who loved you at least once can be so damn cruel, and to the children.

You will be fine, you sound very efficient and switched on. When you are ready, there will be a lovely man for you who does not lie and cheat and desert his family, you will see.

Thankyou for your kind words they really help.

We had some more clearing out in the dark last night i really think he is ashamed and can't face us. He txt's my son asking what my plans are for the daytime to check to see if I'm not around. Its shocking his level of cowardice. He will dress this behaviour up as trying to save my feelings..shocking really.

My house is emptying daily and I'm mentally preparing and i will be leaving the hurt behind with the house and take the good memories in my mind, its hard but i can do this i know i can.

Its shocking the amount of damage one person can do to another when they selfishly decide that you are no longer useful to them, i understand that feelings can change overtime and marriages do come to an end, but i believe when OW is involved it becomes cold hard and very damaging to the partner left behind i don't think this pain will ever leave me its soul destroying.

Onwards and upwards with my beautiful family and amazing friends propping me up and gently pushing me forward.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone its so hard, so anyone reading this who is going through the same nightmare i wish you love luck and all the happiness to follow.
M xx

I would certainly put the block on his post coming to the house because if he is having financial problems with his business he could be getting all manner or credit out against the house without your knowledge.
Detach, be icy cold in your dealings with him.
Get the locks changed on the garage and add another to the house.
He ended it.
Time he moved on and out.

PS you will be just fine! My cheating ex husband doing this was THE best thing that ever happened to me, although it certainly didn't feel like it at the time.
Deep breaths and baby steps. You will be ok.
Promise.

Well its now 2017 I'm in my new house and my 2 dc and i have just had a wonderful Christmas.
I have felt no regret about leaving the family home i have felt only relief as I'm loving my new home and did not realise how heavy and oppressive the old house was making me feel.

My stbx kept his word and paid me a year up front of maintenance, why? i don't know, i have a feeling he is planning on showing his true intentions now he has his pot of cash from the house and maybe i might finally find out the real reason he treated me so badly.
Money talks and i find it so sad that he has traded the love and respect of his family the people who trusted and loved him the most for a Midlife pipe dream I'm sure.
He has now I'm told by my son bought himself a big flashy red sports car to add to the big flashy red motorbike sat in his new garage futhering my belief that this has been indeed a massive Midlife crisis.
I believe when the cash has all gone, and it will in a very short space of time he might just see the true trail of destruction and devastation he has left behind and what a greedy selfish fool he has been. maybe wishful thinking on my behalf i don't know but i have been discarded in a very cruel and cold way and its my small glimmer of hope that maybe he might realise i was worth more and he made a big mistake. I don't suppose i will ever know.

This now leaves me facing a new year with lots to look forward too and with the love and support of my wonderful family and friends, they have been my rock and have helped me in a way i will never forget. I still feel so very hurt and sad at what has happened i just hope i can eventually look back and see that i have indeed had a lucky escape.

A very happy New year to everyone and thanks for taking the time to read my post, it really does help to read it back from time to time and the words of encouragement are a massive help. Xx

Happy New year to you OP and well done for achieving so much. I do think you should get the finances and legalities formalised ASAP and on your terms. Is your equity split and maintenance drawn up in a sealed consent order or was it just an agreement between you? Do formalize things ASAP or else he could have a claim on any other funds that come your way, inheritance, lottery win etc.YOU file for divorce for unreasonable behaviour and you then get more control of the process, timing of filing the absolute for instance.

It is certainly true that almost the worst thing about this process is the coldness and nastiness and rewriting of your combined history that happens. My ex left for OW and for about a month was very sorry, very guilty, very sympathetic and reassuring about money. It didn't last and now he is the one that acts as though I left him, manipulated him and is v v v self-centred. We are well shot of such men. Good luck going forward x

Other than costs is there anything else stopping you divorcing?

If you really feel the marriage is over then divorce as there are risks of remaining married, especially if you want to buy a house or any other assets.

Congratulations OP you are a strong woman.
I'd make 2017 the year of divorce if I were you. As others have said you should disentangle yourself from him legally as soon as possible. Don't let him dictate the timescale. And get the financial settlement nailed down legally so he can't backtrack.

Hi Thankyou for the replies and yes your all correct i really should get the divorce started now.
I feel very sad and still so hurt i don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to cope with divorce but i need to move further forward and away from the lying hateful git.

Would really appreciate some ideas for reasons to cite unreasonable behaviour as i can't prove the adultery and apart from him leaving me with no prior warning and being cold and uncaring i don't know how to word the reasons given for divorce.

This is still so painful even after 10 months i still cry everyday and STILL can't believe that the man i spent 18 years with could do this to me its shocking.
Thanks for listening I'm just feeling awful today and my heart continues to break x