Midlife Crisis ? Affair ? or just doesn't love me ? .....

[user1470296287]

March 26th my husband of 18 years totally out of the blue told me he was unhappy didn't love me anymore and just upped and left us. I have been very confused and trying desperately to make some sense of this as it was something i never would of expected from him.
He was very stressed with work(financial) and for whatever reason has blamed me for this saying he lost respect for me and as a result his feelings have changed. I had no running or financial control of his business at all so its down to his bad management alone its not something i have had a hand in.
This also coincided with him going up North more frequently for the weekend to go out drinking with his friend and his friends sister? and since he has left he goes up there every other weekend saturday to Monday, we live near London so a long way to go for just a pint with mates isn't it ?. He has stayed away from us totally and only ever contacts me through email and then it is only very basic issues to do with house. We have a 15 yr old son together he sees him once a week for about 2 hours for dinner and they make there own arragements. He always asks my son how i am and whats been happening which I'm not happy about as i want my son to enjoy his 2hrs with him and not be reminded of the devastation thats been left a home for us all to cope with.
He lives in a rented room about 5 mins from the house and has been popping to the house to still use the garage and store his motorbike, he took the garage keys so i haven't got access to garage only through the back door and all of his tools are still there. His post still comes to the house. Its 5 months almost and he hasn't really moved on to much as far as still using the house for post and storage and it really annoys me as i feel he should of sorted this by now if he really doesn't want us anymore.
Im really struggling with whats happened and have been in a very low place because of the hurt and rejection i have only just started to dust myself off from this and try and move forward i.e. selling the family home and have cut all communication as a way of dealing with the pain. Im on antidepressants and about to start counselling which is my way of gaining control. I really want to start a new life for me and my Son renting our own house as there won't be enough money to buy a place as house prices and my part-time NHS wage(even full-time) would not stretch to this, i need to stand on my own 2 feet and never have to see him or speak with him again if i have to, it sounds drastic but I'm on my knees with hurt and just can't make sense of why this has happened to us.
So my question really is as i have been obsessively scouring the internet trying to find answers to the reason why as my title says one day i think its definitely Midlife Crisis as he fits the selfish cold way he has done this and i really feel there is someone else OW in the background, then maybe its grass is greener syndrome and he is feeling that he wants more as he told me that he has feelings for me but its not enough as he needs more ? it took 18 years to decide this so who knows. Or he just totally doesn't love me anymore and I've got to accept this and see it for what it is, find that hard as i have never ever doubted his love for me before this and find it hard to get into my head after 18yrs and the fact that we were still having regular sex and he was still saying he loved me until the day he left ???

Sorry for the long post but I'm really interested for any advice or ideas on what the cause of this could be as sometimes other opinions help to un- jumble the thoughts if that makes sense.
I totally don't want the selfish prick back as his treatment of the family has been disgusting but would be interested what the general opinion to his behaviour is.
Thankyou in advance for reading this far and look forward to seeing your comments.
Kind Regards Michelle x

I just want to say I think you should be proud of yourself- you have achieved so much and set a great example to your son.

Unreasonable behaviours you could maybe use:
-The drinking weekends away- could be seen as drinking to excess

-financially irresponsible- the business failure directly impacting up your security for family, the house sale and buying flash cars/generally burning through the money

-the regular trips away- lack of contact with family, potential other woman etc

-unreasonable lack of contact- just email, won't address or talk about it with you

His behaviour IS unreasonable- just make a list of everything he's done and pick from there!! I bet there are loads of other things too x

A massive well done op for moving forward in practical terms although people say it takes a long time to recover emotionally but I'm sure with the love of your friends and family you will get through.
You have proved beyond doubt that you can manage and cope without him and whilst at the moment he may well be showing to lavishnin his new life the material things won't bring him the happiness he's expecting will they?
You on the other hand can hold your head high as you and he both know he's acted appallingly and once the dust settles he will realise that and have to live with the guilt not you.

And remember karma has a good way of rearing her head eventually.

Good luck in your new home and life

New poster here but had pretty much the same situation two years ago. ExH left out of blue, denied affair, sold house split money etc. I ended up allowing him to divorce me for adultery (primarily as I was too exhausted, and skint, to do it myself). When the divorce was stalling (there was a disagreement about child maintenance, as he dropped it without warning when he moved in with OW and her children) he threatened to come after the house that I had bought as it was still a marital asset! So please, if you are econsidering buying a new house to rent out, divorce before you do so. Before I allowed him to divorce me I considered divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour. There hadn't been any in the marriage so I was similarly stuck. I drafted the following (he hadn't confirmed the OW at that point but I'd have mentioned it under point iii if I'd known):

Background:

The respondent announced his desire to end the marriage on XXth June 2014. He immediately took steps to vacate the marital home; taking up tenancy of a new home on XXth July 2014 without the Petitioner’s consent and finally removing all personal possessions from the marital home on XXth July 2014. Since that date the Respondent and Petitioner have lived apart.

Unreasonable behaviour:

i. The Respondent has moved out of the family home.

ii. The Respondent has refused to communicate on any meaningful level with the Petitioner.

The Respondent refused the Petitioner’s request to discuss the marriage in the hope of saving it. The Petitioner suggested counselling sessions but the Respondent refused to consider them.

iii. The Respondent has stated his intention to look for a new relationship with a new partner as he considers the marriage ended.

As the Respondent vacated the former marital home suddenly, without the Petitioner’s consent; has refused to communicate about the marriage and now considers himself ‘single’ the Petitioner can no longer tolerate being married to the Respondent.

Hi Michelle. You need a good solicitor. Regards the finances, if he has a higher pension pot than you, then you are entitled to more money from the equity than he is. Also, if you put your career on the back burner to raise children, and he did not, you are entitled to "economic recompense", ie. more money from the pot. A good Sol will put you right. You need a good separation agreement. Get all the money that you are entitled to. Or you will regret it.

I would also get all of his stuff out of your garage - let him pay for storage.

I hope you are getting child support for your son? That runs until he is 19 (unless he goes to Uni at 18, in which case it would stop then).

x

Example.

Property worth £200,000
Mortgage left £100,000

Equity therefore available £100,000

His pension pot (at time of split) £70,000
Your pension pot £40,000

£100,000 equity
+
£110,000 pension pots x 2

= £210,000 assets

divide by 2 = £105,000 each

So, you get £65,000 cash + your £40,000 pension

He gets £35,000 cash and his £70,000 pension

I have lived with an ex long term partner and subsequently rented a room temporarily. Neither were places that I enjoyed spending my free time.
Are his sister or brother single, or do his parents live up north. At his age, you have few friends where you can doss every other weekend. It might be his only escape.
Shared houses can be really unwelcoming and hard work for certain personality types.

I remember reading your post OP, and it mirrored what happened to me. I'm so glad that you have a new home and a little more peace and stability in your life now. When I moved into a rented property following my separation I threw myself into making it how I wanted and loved doing the garden - you only have yourself to please now, which can feel quite empowering. It's still early days though for you, and you will still cry, but the times between tears will get longer. Big hugs for you.

Thankyou all for the lovely messages of support and I'm sure i will start to pull myself out of this sadness that seems to follow me and bite me on the bum when i least expect it to.

I have decided now to concentrate on my nursing career and getting more qualifications it will give me something to get my mind working away from the constant thoughts of what he has done.

Th day started with me feeling on a low but has turned out to be a good day, my wonderful clever son had an interview for his chosen college and was offered a place on the course he had his heart set on, I'm so proud of him he is such a lovely young man. He has joined a gym and seems very settled in our new house and is happy to see his dad one day a week, that is a comfort that this hasn't hurt and affected him to much. Im a lucky lady my children are a huge comfort , i also have a 29 year old daughter who is a community nurse and I'm very proud of her and the choices she has made in life.
Overall i think my life is so much richer than my ex i go home to my family and we share everything together, he goes home to an empty house everyday. i get to walk away with my self respect , he has to live with his guilt.

I will be fine I'm sure.
Thankyou all so much for the support it really does make a huge difference to me especially when I'm feeling down.
M x

Lots of love M - 'keep your pecker up!'

Another update i wanted to share in the hope someone who has been thrown into this mess can have some hope that it will get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have just been offered a brand new house on the shared ownership scheme and can buy my share outright and once again have some security and stability for my DS and myself, the relief is beyond expression i feel like i have been handed the Get out of Jail card.
The house is back to our local area and around all of DS's friends so he is very pleased. Its in this finishing stages of being built so we will be the first to live in it and its beautiful.

My ex on the other hand has broken his silence with an email telling me of his fight for his future and how he is now having to start from scratch. He also said the guilt for what he has done is killing him and he is now learning to deal and live with it.

When i think of the terrible mess he made of our lives last year with his selfish decision to chase his freedom without any consideration for us i find myself with no feelings of sympathy for his new situation. Also in his email there was no mention about the pain and confusion he caused us it was all about him, his own little pity party.

Just wanted to share as i feel now i can really move forward and start again with firmer foundations.
M x

well done to you! ...you must revel in what you have done and made of your life now you are shot of the ex!

do you think the OW has thrown him over? All the talk of starting afresh and the apologies?

I think now maybe the grass just wasn't greener and he is now looking at what is left and apart from his motorbike and red sports car it isn't much.

Also the trips up North are no longer a regular thing, i get the feeling he can now see what he threw away without giving serious thought to the future.

Sad but I'm still only guessing

M x

.

Just deleted my previous post. So starting again, here goes.

Im really feeling low at the moment and would appreciate some advice please.
Last weekend i went out dancing with friends and i was chatting to an old mutual friend of ex and mine, he told me that ex was sat in the pub on his own all night and after a brief 10 minute conversation he told him all about his woes that he is struggling with financial problems and is drinking really heavily. He also has put on a large amount of weight.
He told my friend to say that he said hello to me and would quite understand if i told him to f off as i probably hate his guts now.

I had a few emails about old bills (that have been paid) and a txt telling me his new phone number, i have not heard from him in months and now since last week I've had a few attempts at contact.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but my gut feeling is telling me that maybe he is now seeing what life is truly like alone without his family ? i don't know but i hate to think that he is all alone and in a bad place even after everything he has put us through.
I won't contact him but wish this feeling would leave me as its making me feel unsettled again.

Any advice would be really appreciated.
Thankyou
Mx

He's made his bed, now he must lie in it.
That may seem heartless, but this is all of his own doing.

Op

Please please dont open that particular can of worms, his new relationship may have ended but if he truly loved you like you deserve he wouldnt have gone there in the first place,. He might be seeing that far away hills are not always greener but as he told you when he said that you were not his problem anymore, he is not yours, He has done this to himself with no thought for the effect on you or his kids,
you sound like a lovely person with a warm heart, dont let him use that against you.xxxx

He's peeved because his life hasn't turned out to be as exciting and carefree as he'd hoped. Sounds as if OW is off the scene, too. It's not your problem though. Look forward, OP, you're doing well.

No, don't go back. My dad did something similar to my mum after 35 years and after he had a relationship which didn't work out he begged her tearfully to take him back. She told him to fuck off. He got over it. You are not responsible for him choosing to fuck up his life. Keep your self respect.

While he never came clean this was almost certainly started by him having an affair. He then chose to leave you and your DS without a thought for you would both feel or how you would both cope. Now the OW has kicked him into touch he wants you to feel sorry for him. Please please Show him the same level of care and consideration that he showed not only you but your DS. He really doesn't deserve it, this is all about him the whole thing, what he wanted, what he felt, what he thought. He was completely and utterly selfish and no one should be able to treat another person like that and then try and contact you now his life has imploded.

Spot on Red.

Thankyou you are all right of course and i won't be going back there but it is so sad and i feel like 18 years of my life have been wasted on someone who was once a very good husband and then turned hateful spiteful and didn't respect me anymore, i didn't deserve that I'm not perfect but I'm not a bad person.
Maybe this has now reached its conclusion and I'm moving on and living a good life with lots to look forward too even the possibility of a new relationship with a life long friend who has helped and cared for me all the way through and has loved me since we were 15 he is such a lovely caring person who has been through the same thing 7 years ago.Im just not ready yet i suppose.

I still feel i haven't had closure on this as he just upped and left and i was devastated.

His problem and his bed.

Thankyou xx

M x

If it had worked out with his 'friends' in the north he wouldn't have spared you a backward glance - he proved that when he left you to flounder in the dark alone.
He will ruin your hard won, settled, new life and use you as a stop gap until something new catches his eye and it will be ding ding, round 2.
You've come too far to risk throwing it up in the air OP - you're worth more than he can ever offer you.
Good luck - you're one awe inspiring lady.

You sound like a genuinely nice, warm, insightful person and I wish you all the luck in the world moving forward ....maybe extend your eh DH the same courtesy that she showed you- nothing!!!! You're worth ten of him!!! X

Sorry...that HE showed you x

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