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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

992 replies

besshope · 03/08/2016 07:58

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

OP posts:
Natsku · 27/09/2016 12:25

And moving house this week and they told me I can put a block on my address being made public so he can't find out where exactly I live which is great, that way he can never try to force his way into my house again or go nosing round the garden under the pretence of playing with DD

SmellySphinx · 27/09/2016 12:42

Just going to plonk myself because I keep losing this thread!

Glad I'm not alone. Hello Smile

bibliomania · 27/09/2016 13:54

Excellent news, Natsku, and welcome Sphinx.

Natsku · 27/09/2016 15:07

I have to say, it was a very nice feeling hanging up on my ex today when DD didn't want to talk to him and he just wanted to keep telling me how wrong me and the social workers are Grin and I've set all his calls to go straight to voicemail so he can't pester me in the evenings.

nicenewdusters · 27/09/2016 22:23

Great news Natsku that must be some relief.

Welcome Sphinx now you can't lose us!

rememberthetime · 28/09/2016 08:37

My H justified doing less because he earned more - I thought fair enough. But then for the last 6 months we have earned roughly the same and he has done even less.
Like literally nothing, but cook on the weekend. he makes a huge mess in the kitchen, cooking meals that take ages and then expects huge praise (and gets it).
Weekends I do all the washing and drying for the week and usually one big job like the kitchen cupboards, the fridge or the windows.
He doesn't even vacuum.
Now I am leaving (just one week to go) I have gone on strike. I haven't even vacuumed for a week and won't for another week. The house is kinda filthy, but i figure it is his problem once I am gone.

Lilacpink40 · 28/09/2016 09:47

remember does he know you're leaving?

Is it worth keeping things normal so he doesn't suspect? (Sorry if you've explained up thread).

My ex said he doesn't want DCs more partly so I'll have to miss going to a gym. I've got a cheap deal through work and think my recent weight loss has angered him. God knows what he'll be like when he hears I am seeing someone. He pulls faces picking DCs up if he sees me in new clothes. Just control!

Froginapan · 28/09/2016 11:03

Great news Natsku.

Blergh today, just blergh.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 28/09/2016 11:50

Hi everyone. I had a peaceful weekend and no reason to post!

STBEXH introduced his new partner and her DS to my boy this weekend. She came to the drop off in her car. (Part of me wondering if he was putting her on show for me) Hmm

Usually he drops DS and runs about 200 yards from the car. This time he sauntered over and knocked the window to ask for an extra weekend as his other DD will visit. It was his weekend anyway. Grin. But he was just playing the cool father of the year in front of her I guess.

Because she'll think he's an adorable angel who can't do enough for everyone. The first months of a narcs game are crucial to hook in the victim after all....

Lilacpink40 · 28/09/2016 16:47

Ineed that is awful, his GF will, as you said, believe he's a great dad and straight communicator. It will make it harder for her to understand what's going on when control and manipulation happens later. She'll think it's her fault.

My ex's GF was the OW unknown to me for 6 months while we were still together. I don't wish anyone bad luck, but if he is horrible later she will struggle even more as will already know she started in guilty position.

My ex is playing mind games today. Asking me questions about decisions he's making as though we're friends. I'm ignoring as whatever I say gets twisted and I don't want to know about his life.

Froginapan · 28/09/2016 17:41

Ineed

The mask will slowly slip to around his ankles.

On a more positive note you don't have to live with him day in day out

nicenewdusters · 28/09/2016 18:00

I hope your ever filthier carpet is making him uncomfortable Remember.

Lilac I love the idea of you going to the door in slinkier and newer outfits just to wind him up!

Lemonpledge That's so pathetic, he really has no shame obviously. Does part of you wish you could warn her, or do you know she wouldn't believe you anyway?

As for my ex, nothing new, which is good. I can't believe how my feelings have changed since he gave me that weird, blank, almost dead look the other day. Before, I still had some sympathy for him about not seeing the kids every day. I was also still hoping that just maybe we could be in the same room for the kids sake. Now I can't even bear to text him.

Just broke off from typing this to answer a call from my dd. She's trying out a new sport tonight. I texted him to say pick her up from xxx. It's somewhere he knows well. He doesn't reply, so have to ask ds to ring him to make sure he's collecting. Yes, he's on his way.

Cue call from dd that he's not there! Cue call from clueless ex. First time I've spoken to him in over a year. Is dd there? No, she's at xxx, said calmly. He replied "oh, er", I hung up. I phone dd, eventually get through, she's with dad, he couldn't find her. FFS ! If you knew the place it's not difficult.

This knew sport will also happen on one of his days with them. He's just told dd that's fine. However it will involve more randomness, he'll have to be more flexible and organised. He is not good at that (see previous paragraph!). I refuse to pick up the slack on his days, but no doubt will be forced into it occasionally to avoid dd being left stranded, or in some other way inconvenienced.

Ausernotanumber · 28/09/2016 18:02

Marking spot to read the thread. My days are almost at an end (yay!) oh how I wish I'd had mumsnet 30 odd years ago.

Ausernotanumber · 28/09/2016 18:03

Days of co parenting. Not my days literally. 😀

rememberthetime · 28/09/2016 21:35

Lilac - yes he knows. Literally told him at the end of August and now moving at the beginning of Oct. 6 weeks to arrange and I don't think I could bear a day more.
I think it has hit him like a ton of bricks. I don't believe he thought I would do it. he made it hard at times then at others he couldn't be more helpful. What I learned though is that this was something I had to do myself as I couldn't trust him - even though he told me he would make the path smooth for me.
This time next week I will be in my new home (probably trying to put together a bed with no tools!). I will be tired but happy and wondering what life in the future holds.
Best of all i won't be hiding in my office upstairs while he plays stupid guitar riffs with his new amp that he spent hundreds on...and annoys the neighbours with. Honestly, we could all do with a little peace and quiet, but he has to get his "creative spirit" out through his expensive guitars!
I wouldn't mind so much if he actually played well but it is mostly random riffs which he plays repeatedly over and over. I sound like a right cow.

Lilacpink40 · 28/09/2016 22:50

Remember you don't sound like a cow you sound like someone at the end of their tether. Freedom fast approaching. I think you should celebrate with CakeFlowersWine

Nice when my ex left I was used to opening my wardrobe and feeling useless that nothing in it would please him. I put on weight because I wasn't happy and if I did lose weight he'd tell me well done for doing it for him and I'd feel like a 'pleaser' not a person. So a bit of me loves his annoyance that I'm slimmer (I did it for me so even better feeling). Good your DD is ok despite her dad's inability to turn up early and make sure she's ok.

Lilacpink40 · 28/09/2016 22:54

Ause are your DCs leaving home?
Just wondering when coparenting ends!

besshope · 29/09/2016 14:41

Just checking back onto the thread to say hi to everyone, welcome to newcomers, and congrats to ausernotanumber if you're nearly done with it all Grin
Like a few other posters have said I think, the episodes do get spread out a bit the further down the line you are, and overall it's a case of finding coping/managing strategies where you can I think. I'm so glad that this thread is one of them for many of us Smile
Brew Cake to you all

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 29/09/2016 18:29

Thanks for starting the thread Bess. It's good to hear that things usually settle down.

Can anyone help me with this question...do I tell my ex that I'm seeing someone before DCs mention it?

I don't want to make them keep it a secret and my youngest is likely to say something soon. He only knows I have a friend, I'm taking things slowly, but he may randomly say something to ex. I don't want DCs to face nasty questions, but then it isn't any of ex's business.

Froginapan · 29/09/2016 19:09

Lilac

Only you really know your Ex.

I personally wouldn't, especially if all they've witnessed is you having a 'friend'.

nicenewdusters · 01/10/2016 19:47

As Frog says, only you know best Lilac. From what you've said about your ex, I personally wouldn't either.

You're right, it's none of his business. He'll most likely be difficult about it whether you say nothing or tell him now. He's just a friend, not impacting upon your children's lives, so no concern of his. Even if he was more involved than that I still wouldn't tell him. Don't give him any info, any shot at control.

greencarbluecar · 01/10/2016 20:57

Ex is being reasonable, in an abrupt about-face. My spidey senses are tingling...not least because I've uncovered yet more of his lies.

In a sense this makes me more uneasy than when he's showing his vile self. Calm before the storm?

Lilac I agree with frog and nice. Don't give him any more information than you have to, knowledge is power as they say and we all know how they like to use that. Does he keep you informed of what he's up to?

Natsku · 02/10/2016 11:16

I always get suspicious when my ex starts acting reasonable - I reckon they do it to lull us into a false sense of security before doing something really outrageous.

Ex called yesterday and I explained DD was at a friend's house and she'd call him later. Of course that's not good enough for him so he demanded I give him the phone number for the friend's house, I said its not my place to give out people's phone numbers but he tried to insist that I must because its his legal right to be able to contact DD at all times and know where she is all times. I just told him to get lawyer to contact me about that supposed law... Grin

Fidelia · 02/10/2016 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleThursday · 02/10/2016 16:42

Sorry for lack of posts, just been dealing with it all really Confused Quick question for anyone out there... What do you do with the all the chewed up feelings when the kids come home? They are due back in a couple of hours and I know he has been doing his 'Disney Dad' routine with gifts and emotional pressure on them. I almost don't want to see them as I am in such a gritted teeth mode when they come back full of absolute shit about him, completely oblivious to the legal crap and lies he is putting me/us through behind closed doors. How do I deal with it? Any coping strategies or tips. I'm so keen to see them but dreading so much too.