support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Purple, the court can order the police to provide records - talk to your solicitor.

Well I had a right rant at exh Monday night, DD came back Sunday night quiet and not herself and seemed really upset - I can understand she would miss her Dad but its his job to make her feel happy on drop offs - am I right?!
Next morning she said her Dad had said it was all my fault for the break up and was crying so I explained briefly what happened to try and smooth it over.
This played on my mind all day, I thought why is he still being so bitter and selfish about it all after 2 yrs (which he bleated to me just a few months ago when I asked him back!) so I emailed him quite politely to not talk about it whats done is done, he got another gf and Im now seeing someone, lets all move on. Oh and youre not paying enough child maintenance - which he isn't and I don't see why he shouldn't pay the going rate which should be over double.
The email I got back was very caustic, saying Ive obv looked into my crystal ball and seen what they all been talking about and hes got better things to talk about etc etc, his contribution is more than enough!
I replied with nice to see your being adult about this!
Then another caustic one the next day saying I was going to keep screwing him etc etc - so I retaliated and corrected every lie he put in his email to which he didn't like very much and stated I would be going to CSA.
Then he sent through a white flag?!! calling a truce and that he was being a tw*t!!
I said yes you are and sent a link to the CSA so he could do his own calculation, he soon came back with a better counter offer.
FFS - why do these men think they can just bung their exes a few quid and be Disney dad EOW without any proper parenting and that makes everything OK?! Im well rid..

They do it because it's all about control.

Yep, the control. You've rejected him. Crappy partner, crappy dad, so now bitter, small minded ex. Hope he makes good on his offer, and you don't still have to go through the CSA. I remember you saying he was scared of them, so that's good.

Thanks Biblio. Glad you are having some peace in your life.

Oh joy.

I've asked ex to confirm whether he's going to pay the maintenance that the CMS have told him to pay.

No response.

the child maintenance amount just cracks me up - what right minded person thinks it's oK to pay 16% of their salary on their children and keep 84% for them - oh yes these total fucking narcissistic wankers (and their colluding families)!!

Seriously it has to be the very definition of a dead beat dad!!!

having said that my ex twat doesn't even pay that as he doesn't work (does't have to he is loaded)

Utter fucking lying wanking bastaaaaaaaaaaards - very angry today sorry!!!

My ex somehow managed to talk me into signing papers so he has to pay no child maintenance! Still don't know how he did that. Luckily the State pays the minimum where I live if the other parent can't/won't pay so DD isn't losing out but it makes me angry that he pays nothing towards her care.

Are you in the UK? Thinking not as you said you live in a state? These men are just a disgrace!

donners god yes. Mine doesn't even pay that much and still resents it even though he splashes the cash on himself. Fully supported in this view by some of his family too, and seemingly by the government. The whole thing is a fucking disgrace, I can't even talk about it these days it frustrates me so much.

nice thank you so much for your post, it's really made me feel that I can give mindfulness a go. Switching off from it all so I can get on with other things is what I need, I can't imagine being there but do feel more able to try now.

frog have you had the schedule of payments come through yet? Try not to worry too much about the silence, my ex does this a lot too and it's because they know you will be stressed and worried at the lack of response and 'not knowing'. Control control control. Is he employed?

Not in the UK. Going to raise child maintenance when I finally get to file for sole custody. My lawyer has just written her reply to the appeal court asking for supervised visits, hoping they will consider it (at first they said they wouldn't but she's trying anyway)

So my ex has been texting regarding the house we own together. Me and the kids are living in it and paying everything. He wants to sell what does he expect to happen to me and the kiddies?
Also refused to pay maintenance so cms are now involved in hate him

Friday night flowers to all .

Life If you own the house together, you are the primary residential carer, and the children all live with you, do you have a strong case to argue that he shouldn't be able to force you to sell?

Thanks for the * dusters*, I'm on the ! Here help yourselves everyone and give your minds a rest from the lying, nasty, self centred pricks for a while xx Our day will come.

Awww thanks purple, don't mind if I do

I'm being ignored again but so far, for tonight anyway I'm pretending it's not happening. Which has to be better than stressed and worried. Baby steps.

for everyone to go with the and emotional armour ready for the weekend for those who need it xx

Nice well he is taken my to court to try and force sale. He started proceedings last week. I have letters from my councillor and health visitor about how it will effect my kids but just another bloody fight with him.

He can fight for this but can't even send a text to ask how his kids are or see them! It's been 4months for ds and 6 months for dd and that was when she was born!

Bit early in the morning for but I'm handing it round in case anyone has run out after Friday night! Scary that there are so many of us on here

My ex had a lovely childish hissy fit via email yesterday which 24 hours later is actually quite funny. My middle child is getting some hassle from some older boys at school and she only told me the other night. I emailed school about it an hour after she told me and then went to bed. Because I hadn't mentioned it to XH he sent a lovely email which included lots of, and ended with 'it's not fair'. I can just see him stood there stamping his feet!! I've not replied yet and it's only a minor irritant this time but I'm very tempted to send him a list of the things he's done that aren't bloody fair .... I mean, where to start, the most would take days to write!!

list not most

Just caught back up with the thread. I'm crap with names but am doubling my wine handing out efforts

There are some utter fcukwits out there. We could give Eastenders a run for its money

Fidelia do you have any formal contact arrangements in place?

My ex constantly tells the kids how much he misses them, then doesn't appear til the Friday or Saturday that he has them (we switched from eow and every Wednesday to Thurs-Mon eoweek as his mum always ended up doing the Wednesday overnight). It's awful to see your kids upset and being used

Ah yes the 'feel sorry for me' game. Maybe we could invent a board game or write a book called 'how to feel sorry for fcukwits'

It's crap though when you have to document everything and see your kids upset just because one person is a pita

I hate how these men can't just grow up and stop being so bloody awful.

The CMS have done a schedule for us. I'll just have to let them deal with it if he doesn't pay but given the billions owed in the UK by parents not paying their child maintenance I have little faith they will actually do something about it if he doesn't pay.

One of the first things he said when we first found out I was pregnant was that he didn't want the government chasing him for the next 18 years for money. Given that he's as mad as hell I had him arrested and he received a conviction (though in the myriad of lies he's staying in court he merely received a caution according to him) I'm thinking he will want to provide maintenance about as much as he would want to have a root canal without anaesthetic.

I posted days ago and I'm having similar issues to others here. My STBXH has delayed financial separation and now blames me. Won't have DCs overnight as it doesn't suit him. Is Disney dad when he briefly sees them. Constantly looking to tell me I'm not doing enough with DCs or that I'm being too strict with them. Said if he has them fortnightly overnight for one night he'll drop CM payments. It's mind games all the way.

Now his mum has made our eldest upset by telling her mean things about me and saying that she shouldn't blame him (for OW and negativity) and she should want to live with him.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree it seems (both rotten).