Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[NameChange30]

Also (sorry!) you've had a difficult few days, with your medical appointment and your friend's funeral. A decent partner would have been supportive and wouldn't have created stress, arguments and drama over small things like leaving on time and doing the washing up. His behaviour is so far from decent let alone "lovely" that the mind boggles at how you could describe him that way. I do wonder if he's convinced you that he's up on this pedestal and you're far down below

[Dozer]

It concerns me that he "likes a sulk", has a family history of this and is like this, has not been there for you at times of illness/stress, and creates drama and seeks to make you feel like you're in the wrong/have treated him badly on days when you're under stress (hospital appointments, funeral) when it's clear that HE is being unsupportive.

[Dozer]

Some of the things you say about him bring to mind Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive".

Or, better but still not great, he could just be selfish.

[Nellyphants]

Mad hatter please get away from this man. He is not lovely. I could have written your posts on the train/hospital appointment & Friday dishes. He is trying to control you with his sulks. You're only together A year, it should still be all hearts & roses. Project yourself a year from now with nothing changing, is this what you want. Endless moods, walking on eggshells?

[Kr1stina]

So you had a long day on Friday - you went to a friends funeral ( how distressing ) then worked late, I assume to make up the time .

He however finshed early and went to the pub, so you both got in at 8pm. You suggested he do HALF the washing up and you would do ALL the cooking , which you did but he sulked all night .

You know, he's not sounding very lovely from where I'm sitting

[Doublemint]

I think he sounds incredibly self centred and childish to be honest. Not necessarily abusive though, just not thinking about anything from his partners perspective and/or how he can support her. Next time just wash up half the washing and cook dinner for yourself!

[baringan]

Hmm.

OP you sound very anxious (not surprising) and as though you are on high alert a lot of the time. Your dp sounds more laid back - yes, irritatingly so. Do you do anything to help you relax?

[Kr1stina]

It seems to be that is " laid back ness " is about him avoiding doing things he doesn't want to - like taking any share of the chores or providing emotional support .

And making sure everything is about him " stop worrying about your medical appointment and help me choose a flavour of crisps " .

I'd be up tight too living with a " partner " like him . He sounds EXACTLY like my 16 yo . Well nearly all 16 year olds TBH.

If you ask " how was your day ? " you get " Why are you always going on at me ? "

If you don't ask, it's " you didn't even ask how my maths test was , you don't even care about me < door slam > "

Nothing you do is ever right. They blow up over nothing and sulk for ages .

[SauvignonPlonker]

OP, I think he is punishing you for asserting yourself eg asking to do dishes, leave house in time for appt.

How DARE you make demands on him? He'll put you in your place for that.

Try stepping back from your relationship & looking in

You are lucky that you are not married to him & do not own property jointly. You can leave at the end of a tenancy agreement. Very easy.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Well, he was still feeling sensitive from the Wednesday snappiness and subsequent fallout apparently, so he took it as nagging him and harrasing him 'the moment he got in the door' (I've told him this is absolute bollocks, and pointed out that he was relaxing in the pub and hadn't immediately walked in from work like I bloody had)

He doesn't have much experience of relationships actually. I'm his first LTR since he was in his early twenties and he's never lived with anybody.

Maybe I just make poor choices! The last one was a twat. The one before that was truly wonderful but we were very young when we met and it just ran its course after six years.

[madgingermunchkin]

I think you're too aware of the fact that you've been labelled "bolshy" in the past, and now so tiptoe around men and make allowances for them "because it must be you being difficult, not them". Which is bollocks. You can stand up for yourself and point out being treated poorly.

[Costacoffeeplease]

It sounds like this one is a twat too tbh

[Aranpoo]

I have one of these "nice" men too who is also good at the silent treatment... I'm not I speak my mind. I've learned that "nice" doesn't necessarily mean doesn't get cross or shout. "Nice" means considerate and empathetic. Your DP didn't sound very nice or empathetic this morning, he sounds stressful and child-like. Being the responsible adult in an equal relationship whilst the other one wastes time and gaffs around is going to make you angry. You let your anger show, so what.

Don't apologise, OP. He needs to learn. Give him the silent treatment right back!

[Bingybongybashy]

ToastDemon - can I agree that whilst sulking is childish and horrible, and may come across as passive aggressive, I strongly disagree that it is 'power play'. I speak from the position of a 'reformed' 'sulker' and have many good reasons for this long standing behaviour which has stemmed from a difficult adolescence. I am not a horrible person by any means, I have suffered emotional deprivation in my most formative years which has caused me to develop this ineffective coping strategy. i don't believe it is a character trait and if it was, it's certainly not the worst. Maybe look up 'emotional deprivation/neglect' under 'schema therapy' and maybe you'll not be so quick to judge next time. Be interesting to work out what your 'character traits' are....

[Bingybongybashy]

Toptoe - your remark that anyone who sulks past childhood won't change and will get worse is total bollocks!! If you want to change you can, if you don't want to change you won't , same goes for anyone and their own types of behaviours. It's certainly not exclusive to 'sulkers'.

[Dozer]

Sulking for days is just unacceptable.

[blinkowl]

I'm sorry you had to go to your friend's funeral

I hope it went OK.

Did he ask you about the funeral by the way? It's hard to tell from this snapshot but it's possible he's acting like this because he know he should be being supportive of you but he is compelled to make it all about him. I went out with someone like this and it took me awhile to work out that his bad / odd behaviour towards me often coincided with ossasions when actually I could have done with his support. But somehow, he had to make it all about him.

Does this ring any bells or am I way off?

[ToastDemon]

Bingy your snide dig at me kind of proves my point about sulkers, as does you making something massively about you that you've supposedly "reformed" from.

[MadHattersWineParty]

He was actually very supportive about the funeral prior to it. It's a friend from school who sadly was ill all her life and had not been expected to reach the age she did, so I know this sounds awful and I'm not trying to say it wasn't tragic but it was not a 'bolt out of the blue' kind of thing and if anything I'm relieved she's not in pain anymore. I knew it was coming before I even met him. He did offer to take the day off work and come with but I didn't think it was necessary and I didn't 'need' him there IYSWIM. Maybe he was upset about that as he likes to be there for me but I'm used to dealing with things quite independently.

Anyway since all the stupid arguments and childish sulks he has been full of apology. He bought flowers and a sorry card. I'm just enjoying the opportunity to think and have a bit of breathing space at the moment as he's away all week now with work.

[YvaineStormhold]

Bin him.

Get a flatmate.

Seriously. He sounds like an absolute bloody nightmare.

And stop describing yourself as 'bolshy'. Like 'feisty', it's one of those words you never hear used to describe a man.

I think you sound reasonable, good humoured, sensible, brave, and very pissed off because you live with a man who is totally rubbish.

[Bingybongybashy]

toastDemon - oh I'm not sulking about it. Am being open and honest with you about it. Sulking involves not talking. My snide dig was overtly mentioning it.

[SauvignonPlonker]

I think he prefers you vulnerable, OP.