Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[NameChange30]

Talk about reading between the lines. You are basically rewriting everyone's posts in your head.

[microferret]

You aren't horrible at all. Neither is he, although he was a bit inconsiderate. You need to be honest and communicate over what has upset you and how tense the whole situation with your health makes you - being direct will make you feel less irritable. Often I find myself getting annoyed with my lovely DH over silly little things, such as the permanent pile of discarded clothes in the bedroom that he always leaves for me to tidy - and he is the same. We always apologise after being snappy whilst explaining what caused it in the hope that the other person will try to change the behaviour which caused it. A little black humour can also be good to address the problem whilst diffusing the tension.

Don't feel bad about yourself. Health problems are really stressful and it is natural to feel annoyed when your other half doesn't seemed to have grasped the gravity of the situation. I hope you feel better soon!

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Actually Johnny Depp was charged with abuse, whether you believe it or not, it was a joke and I think you're stirring because I simply replied with a grin instead of your repeated attempts to goad.

Also I never actually said the OP's DP was abusive. I merely disagreed with you saying everything in this row was her fault and you just took it from there. I'd never posted on this thread before now... Though I notice you were scornful to a PP who hadn't noticed you had posted before.... Shrug

Hope this insane derailment has given you a laugh, OP! the internet can be a bit crackers

[Dutchcourage]

Talk about reading between the lines. You are basically rewriting everyone's posts

emma I feel like you have done Exactly the same. Pot kettle black and all that. Calling me a 'dick apologist' and that op do is abusive when she has said her self she didn't recognise that in him, suggesting I want 'her to suck his dick to apologise' . Don't be a hypocrite.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

suggesting I want 'her to suck his dick to apologise

No she didn't. I made a sarcastic comment about her prostrating herself and Emma responded to me with a blowjob joke...

Just don't engage Emma, I'm not going to either from now on. Let's just say I've seen certain posters on other Relationship threads.

[Dutchcourage]

special where have I said I didn't believe Jonny D was guilty of assaulting his gf. where? How on earth are you jumping to that conclusion?

Where did I say this was all her fault?? where ???

Scroll back and you will see I said 'this is just two people pissing each other off'

I think you have got your own agenda here. Have a nice day

All kinds of crazyness.

[Dutchcourage]

Apparently she does
Maybe suck his dick as well for good Measure

Right ok....

[Dutchcourage]

Just don't engage Emma, I'm not going to either from now on. Let's just say I've seen certain posters on other Relationship threads

Oh do link please.

[NameChange30]

Dutch

Well I think you are a dick apologist. You seem to think his dick behaviour is no big deal, and you're blaming the OP.

News flash: people experiencing abuse don't always recognise it as abuse straight away.

I didn't actually say he was abusive although I did agree with PPs who suggested it - I said that it sounds like subtle emotional abuse and it could well get worse.

Some of us have resorted to a bit of humour, which you obviously don't appreciate. Too bad.

[NameChange30]

Lots of cross posts! I agree Special.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I specifically said do not get triggered by my choice of term, Dutch, but there you go.

Emotional abuse can be very insidious in its backhanded, subtle manipulations of the hidden agenda. Each incident by itself can be considered petty leading to more blame on the victim of being too sensitive: shaming the victim for noticing they have been offended/insulted/having feelings ...which is a cornerstone of the mean one's objective to get the target to second guess herself, be emotionally numb to his actions, and to shut up.

He used her for ego supply, not the day before or the day after the appointment, but calculatingly the very time the OP needed his cooperation- and she didn't need him until he stepped in and said he'd walk with her creating an expectation then studiously avoided fulfilling it. That was on purpose because she was originally going without him. She walked out and he had to catch her up so he sulked because his game of making her late for the appointment wasn't going to work. He lost a ridicule jewel of laughing at her/shaming her for being late to a very important appointment. He could have gotten a lot of mileage out of that one.

His over protection early on in the relationship was infantilizing the OP. She told him to stop it. Now he wants to sabotage her so he can continue the infantilizing campaign. He wants to prove his superiority over her.

Her anger is a result of frustration manufactured by him. His anger...and this set up is anger as passive aggressive ...is a predator kind of anger.

I am happy for you, Dutch, that you don't understand this because it means you have not had to deal with/endure it (unless you are one that needs the superiority fix). People that are the target, in the moment, sometimes have a hard time figuring out the dynamic. One offs can be just that. But the OP's example was at a critical time for her and he attempted to throw a wrench into her plan, so it is suspect.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Oh, the temptation is too great.

where have I said I didn't believe Jonny D was guilty of assaulting his gf. where? How on earth are you jumping to that conclusion?

Me: Emma I hear Depp is all the rage now... *clinks wine

You: Oh Jesus - op dp is now a violent abuser....

I assume you misread my post. Though I don't believe it

Me: She apologised for snapping on a VERY stressful day and she moaned on here about him being gone.
What else do you want her to do? prostrate herself before him?

Emma: Apparently she does
Maybe suck his dick as well for good measure

Emma was clearly saying in addition to prostrating herself, maybe she should suck his dick too.

Either you're wilfully misunderstanding or you have absolutely no reading comprehension.

[NameChange30]

Maybe both

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

And now I've made it evidently clear who said what without your twisting, I'm off to enjoy some shite telly.

[SauvignonPlonker]

Brilliant post Andthebandplayedon, hope OP is still reading.

[MadHattersWineParty]

I am still reading thank you. It was indeed a good post. Good for thought! DP and I had a bit of a bust up last night, he's at work and I've gone to visit a friend.

Did have to laugh at the rimming/sucking derailment though

[MadHattersWineParty]

*food for thought!

[KinkyAfro]

What happened op?

[toptoe]

Wading in way too late but wanted to say that sulking is behaviour that is always passive aggressive. Anyone who uses it past childhood is going to be a nightmare to live with because they won't change and they will most likely get worse.

Incidentally, the having a go for walking slightly ahead is classic behaviour from someone who wants to control. They'll pick on anything you do (and can't really help doing) and have a pop at you about it (after some sulking) for 2 main reasons: 1. they want to lower your esteem so you're easier to control 2. they really believe they should set the pace as they are superior to you.

Are you sure you're snippy? Or have you had the bad luck of having to put up with controlling behaviour before? It's just that none of what you got snippy about was unreasonable. You explained why you needed to be on time, what train you were catching and when you were leaving. He then decided that he was going to make you late. Then sulk. Then go out and not let you know where he was going. All to piss you off on the day of a stressful appointment, the day before a friend's funeral. I'd be flippin snippy if I had to put up with that bs.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Oh it was so stupid. Basically I got in from work and DP was at the pub with colleagues (total non issue by the way, we often go to the pub on a Friday with friends) I worked late anyway and was back about 8, then he said he was on his way back around the same time. Kitchen was full of washing up from previous nights. He came bounding through the door full of beans and pleased to see me so that was nice, (he'd obviously had a few drinks, he finishes at 4pm on Fridays)so we sat down for ten min then I said, can you wash and I'll dry and we will just get this done quickly (tiny kitchen, there was no room) so I can shove some dinner on then we can sit down with a glass of wine. Honestly, his mood soured just like that. Made a big show of saying 'oh I'm just going to the loo IF THAT'S ALRIGHT' and was just generally in a foul mood! It sounds so petty written down. Apparently is ruined Friday night by having a go at him and not giving him any down time. My argument was, he'd already started his Friday night by relaxing in the pub, but I'd really only just stopped working, it wasn't like he'd had no down time at all. We did do the dishes and it took no time whatsoever, but dinner was a pretty cold affair. It was just so odd!

[MadHattersWineParty]

It's been a long day anyway as I'd travelled back from being at the funeral to be at work by 11. I just wanted to relax but it was not a nice atmosphere.

[MadHattersWineParty]

*it had

[NameChange30]

Oh he's such a twat OP. Such a twat.
I was reluctant to share this before but I wonder if you could please read these signs of emotional abuse and see if anything sounds familiar. "Abuse" is a big word (and it's clearly offended a PP or two!) but it does start small and it wouldn't hurt for you to be aware of the warning signs.

[NameChange30]

PS You didn't "have a go at him" (not based on your description, anyway) you just asked him to help with the washing up! But of course you're not allowed to ask His Highness to contribute, so he punished you by spoiling the evening with his bad mood.

[Dozer]

The last example was shit behaviour on his part. "Wind down" after hours in the pub? Accusing you of ruining the evening for politely asking he do a share of domestic work?