Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[Missgraeme]

It's just the fact he ignored your request that's wrong. Then when u dared to be stressed (how dare u!) he took the huff (child).. Maybe men just have fish memories and don't hear us??? . My ex bought me a bar of Galaxy after knowing for 8 years I ONLY like Cadbury - 'oh but I thought u might like it' wtaf!!?? Prob contributed to him becoming an ex - he never listened to the big stuff but never to the little stuff either. It does matter and they just don't get it. Hope your app went OK anyway.

[ToastDemon]

OP to be honest I don't really like the sound of him. That is classic passive aggressive behaviour and very controlling.

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

Goodness, at this stage in the relationship it shouldn't be like this. Really it shouldn't.

You make him sound as though he is very self centred. The texting you angrily and then only texting you to see how your appointment went, an hour after angry text...that would be enough for me.

If he's like this now, he won't get any better. I'd venture to say you might find its worse as your tolerance for bullshit fades.

Relationships are meant to enhance your life - what's the point otherwise?

[DrWhy]

It sounds to me like you have totally different ways of approaching your time. I am a faffer so I build in extra time - the my DH normally builds in some more as he doesn't particularly trust me to manage the first time.
I would never aim to leave at 8.08 for a train, too much chance of some kind of unexpected event derailing that - I'd aim for 8 and be fine leaving at 5 past with 3 minutes to spare at the station. I had a hospital appointment at 8.35 this morning, the parking can be a nightmare so we allowed 20 mins for that, expecting it to take 10 or so - wanted to arrive around 8.15. The journey is around 20-30 mins but can be longer so leaving latest by 7.45, aiming for 7.30. At 7.30 DH had just got in the shower so I had breakfast, at 7.40 he was ready to leave, I was faffing - we went out at 7.45. Traffic moderate, parking easy, we were 20 mins early. No-one cross.
I think that your husband treats time more like I do, you sound more like the way my sister operates. Handling this requires you both to know how the other one works and communicate. If I had made my DH late for something because he had told me he needed to go out at a precise time and I had faffed, he would rightfully be cross about that but I probably wouldn't tell him I could make it unless I knew I had ages.
I think your husband trying to make you feel guilty about it is pretty horrible though.

[MadHattersWineParty]

We get on like a house on fire 90% of the time. I do have very rigid time management and I'm not a particularly related person. I do get snappy. I can be a bit brusque. He's not the first bloke to have said it, although I think I'm better than I used to be.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Tell him to grow up and take responsibility for his behaviour. You have apologised for snapping but it was a reaction not a stand alone behaviour and I don't think it was outside the range of reasonable responses to the situation.

If he behaves badly to you (which he did) you may become annoyed with him and exhibit annoyed behaviours. It's not rocket science and he is not a poor picked on abused partner.

[Naicehamshop]

Yup - controlling and passive aggressive. Classic signs.
Stand your ground on this one OP because I don't think things are going to get easier with this guy and could get a hell of a lot more difficult. Good luck.

[LazySusan11]

You're not mean, you had a plan and in that plan was getting the time of train you needed to help not only manage your stress but give you enough time. Your dp faffed about and you missed your train which caused you more stress and now he wants you to apologise to him for spoiling his day?

If he had any clue he'd know you get stressed with these appointments and rather than pissball about he'd have made the effort to help you keep calm. I'd be annoyed too and no I wouldn't be bloody apologising or making him a 'nice dinner'

[Costacoffeeplease]

He's a twat, I would have just gone without him, how dare he text to say you've upset him?? FFS

[TurnipCake]

My ex was a passive aggressive shit.

We were due to fly and he always wanted to make a point about being the last one on the plane. So, shopping until the screen announced the plane was boarding and just as we were about to walk on, he just had to go to the toilet. The staff announced his name on the tannoy, I was mortified. Last holiday we took together.

I went on a diet, he'd fill the cupboards with sugary foods, you name it

[Toria2014]

He sounds super needy and controlling.

My DH is a faffer, it drives me nuts, and I do snap at him. I like to leave when we have planned to. He has a total inability to be on time, we have been together 16 years and I doubt he will change now, but he has got better, as I have had to spell it out to him just how annoying it is to be told he'll be back at a certain time and then is late, time and time again. He is a great husband and its probably his only flaw, in my opinion anyway

Sounds like you are with someone who is going to make your life a misery, controlling and childish. I would respond to his angry text with something equally as stroppy. Who the hell does he think he is!

[Kr1stina]

I agree he sounds passive aggressive and controlling .

So YOU have a worrying medical appointment that brings but frightening memories of a potentially life threatening condition. But he has to make it all about HIM and HIS FEELINGS.

Does he make other occasions about him and his feelings ? Like your birthday or when you do something well at work ?

I notice that he wouldn't leave you alone aftre your crap day at work even though you asked him to . You needed to console him for his hurt feelings .

[Dutchcourage]

Hmmmm I don't think he is as bad as posters are making him out.

Is he just as inept when it's an important appointment for him? well if he is anything like my Dh - then yes.

My Dh is not a nasty man but can drive me round the bend due to his piss poor time keeping and faffing - on anything . He just has sense of urgency.

He made you a cup of tea but it was hot outside and you didn't drink it. He misjudged the situation and got a bit narky about it. You got narky that you didn't leave st the specific time you wAnted to leave st because you were anxious.

No body is perfect, including you which you know.

My life is a zillion more times better with Dh in it. Although he minorly pisses me off daily (I'm highly strung) if your life is better with your dp in it work on your control issues (I have them too)

[mummytofourbabys]

Op you sound exactly like me haha..

Like a PP said must be hard for you to hear people who don't even know you or your partner judging your partner based on this thread.

To be fair I don't think he sound controlling just quite needy and likes attention. Not always a bad thing depending on the type of person you like. :)

Hope all went well with the appointment though

[tootiredforthissh1t]

I do this sometimes when I'm stressed OP. I find that saying, "I'm really stressed about this DH" and acknowledging that you become tetchy when stressed will help him to understand what's going on for you. Also, just saying it gives me some perspective and reduces my stress levels a bit.

[MadHattersWineParty]

I told him I'm sorry I snapped but he didn't seem to grasp that I was under stress and the sulking since has been doing my head in. He needs to get over it before I get home because it's been a long day and I want to relax later. Haven't heard anything more from him at the moment.

I've been out with faffers far worse than him to be fair. But, in my mind, if I say I'm leaving at 8:08, that's when I'm locking the door behind me. In DP's mind, that's when he's 'ready' but actually he still has to put his shoes on and grab his wallet/keys/jacket/make sure he has his phone. I KNOW it's only seconds we are talking but it pushes the time and it gets to me!!

I was extra stressed this morning so I don't think it would have taken much to set me off. i have said I'm sorry for snapping but he seems to have really taken it to heart. I'm not apologising anymore. I don't think in the scheme of things I've committed a huge crime!

[tootiredforthissh1t]

So stop beating yourself up now OP. You were stressed, he faffed, you snapped and apologised. End of.

[Kr1stina]

It's not that he doesn't understand . And it's not that he's taken it to heart. He enjoys sulking and he enjoys making you feel guilty.

And most of all it makes today all about him . Bingo

[ToastDemon]

I cannot abide people who sulk. I think it's one of the worst character traits anyone can have. Horrible, childish, passive-aggressive power play.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He usually leaves later, so in his head, whatever time the two of you left, providing it was sooner than 8:20, he was early.
The silent treatment and not looking your way on the tube because you were anxious about catching your train was plain childish. Nice to hear he did eventually ask how your appointment went.

Is it possible he was trying clumsily to act normal and do mundane stuff to try and distract you from the appointment ahead? It backfired because his faffing held you up and you were irritated. Perhaps then he projected what he was thinking and feeling on the inside onto you, so he could disassociate from it and absolve himself of any blame or responsibility. He knew you were apprehensive so on edge, and he knew you felt he'd let you down.

Btw don't knock yourself for being 'bolshy' at times. Opposites attract! You probably balance each other out ordinarily. If the PA does annoy you then it's something you have to raise with him under the general umbrella of Ways We Sometimes Drive Each Other Mad.

Hope the next time you need to be somewhere on time you press on by yourself.

[SauvignonPlonker]

OP, there was a really interesting thread on here a wee while ago, about passive-aggressive behaviour, called "Does he make you as angry as a banshee" or something like that. You can search for it.

Fascinating insight into passive-aggressive behaviour, and how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone with these personality traits. Lateness is one of the traits.

Tread carefully......

[LineyReborn]

I remember the 'banshee' thread. It struck me as a really important one - how women could be driven to quivering rages which they had to absorb and which were making them feel terrible, because of the actions of partners.

Lateness, faffing, sulking, it was all there.

OP The fact he asked about your appointment after he'd had a go at you for the way he'd chosen to feel at work is really bloody awful. He's awful. Be careful. Why are you living with him so soon?

[Naicecuppatea]

He sounds like an irritant you're better off without. Are you reading all of our posts saying that actually he doesn't sound nice, and you were not in the wrong, OP? I think it's unanimous, so please for the love of God stop apologising for being horrid as you weren't.

[MadHattersWineParty]

In going to look for this 'banshee' thread.

[2nds]

Lagging behind choosing crisps (a ridiculously unimportant thing to prioritise) could be a way to 'play down' your medical issue (something that might well have taken your life). This is common red flag, and these men will make a big hullabaloo over something they suffer like a sore arm or a slight headache and make out like your issue was a walk in the park compared to what they've been through.