Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[Kr1stina]

Sorry for the typos , on phone

[Costacoffeeplease]

No, he was a twat who made her let when she was stressed going to a hospital appointment and who has now gone out without a word, hoping she'll chase after him

He's a twat

[NameChange30]

Autumn You might need to work on your sarcasm radar

[Stormtreader]

"It usually starts with me snapping yes" but does it really start there?
Or is there a lot of low-level faffing and other annoyances until you snap?

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Any kind if hospital apt is stressful for both of you. I can sympathise as I have many ongoing apts my self to only know the worry and anxiety it can cause to a relationship. I guess maybe he was worried and trying to think of things to distract himself but being thoughtless at the same time.

[blowmybarnacles]

You knew he'd make you late with his faffing. He knew he'd make you late but still faffed. You are both pissed off with him for behaving predictably.


If he knows you get stressed he should just let you get on with it and be supportive.

[Kr1stina]

Just checking in to see if sulky toddler DP ever came home.,

And how you are feeling today OP?

[attsca]

It's often the case that some people bring out a certain amount of bolshiness in those of us that are prone to it. It's the annoying, faffing, time wasting, sulking bastards that start me off usually.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

I don't like the sound of him, and his passive aggressive petulance. I'd bet my mortgage that this is a recurrent theme of behaviour. Have you been apologetic enough to suit him yet, OP?

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Just because he's 'better' than your ex's, des not mean he's a god bloke r 'lovely'. He's a passive, agressive, pita. I'm betting your fruends telling yu that you're bolshy are passive hand maidens.

If I were you I'd get out now, because a lifetime of this will have you demented.

I don't think you'll listen though, sadly.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

God - good.

I'm sure you can work out the other typos/iPad grrr!

[quicklydecides]

I hope he has apologised, though I doubt it.

[buckingfrolicks]

it could be that the OP is a perfectly assertive, confident woman who is therefore easily described/experienced/labled by some men as 'bolshy'.

It seems to me the OP focusses on the task, whatever it is, and kind of 'assumes' the relationship will be okay. While the DP focusses on the relationship (are we okay is she okay fuss fuss) and assumes the task (whatever it is) is going to be okay.

He'll be chasing the OP for emotional connection and managing his feelings of distance by pushing away/drawing her back. While she'll be increasingly distant because he lacks what she sees as the proper attention to the task in hand.

Not a good combo, but feels attractive to each because they experience, initially, the other person as 'balancing' them out.

[MadHattersWineParty]

He did come home but I got up early to go away to a funeral for someone I used to go to school with and I don't get back until later today. He has sent me a message apologising for not being more supportive and recognising I was just bloody stressed out. He does love a good sulk. His dad is EXACTLY the same. So I'm hoping we can be grown ups and discuss it because you're right, sulking in a grown man is s ridiculous trait.

[SandyY2K]

OP

You've been in this relationship for just over a year now. How soon did you start living together?

I just notice that lots of people live together really quickly these days, without really knowing each other very well.

It seems financially driven in many cases. Especially with the price of accommodation in London.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Yes we do live in London and we both house shared previously. We pay the same rent each now as when we shared it obviously have a flat that's just for us so it's better. In an ideal world yes I would have liked to have tried living totally by myself in London, I have before but not here because I can't afford it. We have officially been together just over a year but knew eachother a couple of years previously to that. We actually met online dating, dated for a bit then it didn't work out but we stayed in touch.

[MadHattersWineParty]

We've lived with eachother since around Christmas time.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I am glad he did not ring bells from the Banshee thread. Even so, this episode is a red flag and you are right to not minimize it.

I agree with what Kr1stina said; and Stormtreader 's question (top of pg5) is important to identifying this dynamic.

Perhaps he sees himself as your rescuer...due to your scary PE...in being (overly) concerned about your health from the beginning of your official relationship. He may have targeted you for this as things didn't work with him in regards to the relationship possibility before you were ill. In this rescuer dynamic- may be a distorted thinking process- you would then be in his debt and owe him gratitude/attention/worship/etc...or else get a punishment label of cold, hardhearted, selfish, or oh, bolshie and snappy.

You told him to back off. Rightly so because he was engulfing you.

So now, your health issues get dismissed with his manipulation of the morning of the appointment. That is an act of contempt. Your health concern was his tool to use and you took it away so now it is a tool to punish you.

Some may say this is reading too much into it all, but this kind of emotional abuse (please try not to be triggered by my choice of term) is very very very subtle. It sneaks in with "I only want what is best for you" or what LilacInn said that it is disingenuous "I was just tryyyyyying to be niiiiiice". All of that is just very cheap, quick, and easy lip service. But it puts you on the back foot because it will make someone look bad if they push away someone's "nice-nice".

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I know the two year thing is a guess too; some wait until marriage or for a baby to arrive to display their true character.

It is good he apologized. But I wouldn't forget this episode.

[NameChange30]

I agree with AndTheBand. I think this is subtle emotional abuse and it could become much worse.

[2nds]

This kind of abuse is like he's testing the water. It was this kind of thing that looking back was the beginning of my experience of being in a DV relationship.

One of the very early 'episodes' of his aggression, we were tickling each other as you do in the early days sometimes and I felt him kind of push my chest, nothing unusual there that happens when someone's being defensive during tickling. Well the push was very quick and hard and I fell off the bed.

The impact of the fall meant I hurt one of my hips and this pain just shot right through me. I started crying and he lay there looking at me. I must have been on the floor a good few minutes crying and him. he just lay there on the bed shrugging his shoulders saying it was an accident and that I'd no need to make a drama out of it. My hip was sore for quite a while after that yet stupidly I agreed it was an accident, however no apology came, and he didn't offer to help me up. I didn't see that that was a red flag until further down the line when he first punched me.

The strange thing is I remember his 'reasons' for hitting me on numerous occasions, but I don't remember which punch was the first one, I guess it got blanked out in my head.

'minor' DV episodes before the first pinch and inbetween punches was things like him throwing fruit peelings at me and saying 'it was a joke', and him throwing umpteen little strops in supermarkets ignoring me when I ask him if he wanted a certain product and one day he told me to fuck off because I told him I needed to dash to the loo and when I came back he had a face like thunder and he started ignoring me.

[ShutUpLegs]

Its the sulking and the game-playing that are the red flags for me.

DH is a faffer - the time he chose to cut the hedge half an hour before we were due to leave for holiday has gone down in family history.

I now build in a time buffer - so for your 8:08, I would have said 7:50. We now celebrate if we get to with 15 minutes either way of my set ETD- and even DH will have a wry grimace as the DCs congratulate him on making the deadline. We do take the piss out of him and we regularly leave for a family outing, leaving him to catch up. But he never sulks about it. And nor do we.

I can see that if you are on the melancholic/choleric axis and he is a sanguine type, then he might see your necessary headspace/retreat as a rejection. You both learn to live with each other's needs and understand why they differ. You don't then get grumpy about it.

Sounds like you need to talk. Good luck.

[LucySnow12]

My H had an emotionally abusive mother. He doesn't like being snapped at because it still triggers feelings. Some people are very sensitive and you have to be understanding. You should have just left when you needed to. He wasn't stopping you. You snapped at him. Own up to it and stop trying to rationalise it by saying you were stressed and he made you late.