Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[Dutchcourage]

Well as you said before up thread - a few blokes have said your snappy So either you are OR every single bloke you meet is turning you in to a banshee!

Many moons ago When I first joined MN was told by a well known poster that my then HTB was lazy and abusive and that I should probally leave. Thank fuck I didn't. My Dh is the biggest grafter I know and does his best to make us happy. We love him dearly.

Op take what you read on here with a pinch of salt.

[MadHattersWineParty]

I have read the passive aggressive thread and happily I can say that very little of it rings true with regards to DP.

He IS probe to petulance but he has admitted that. In future I will leave him to his faffing and remind him not to take everything I say as a slight upon his person, I think. He really does care about me and he has now said sorry for not reading the situation this morning and realising I was very anxious and stressed about the appointment. I appreciate all the advice though. I'll try to be less snappy if he watches the sulks. I mean, he is nearly 31.

[LineyReborn]

It's this one if anyone else is interested.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

[Branleuse]

tell him to get over himself. You told him when you wanted to leave. He asked you to wait for him, then he faffed and made you miss your train.

If anyone should be pissed off, it should be you, and now hes sulking because you snapped. Most people would have been snappy in that situation

[MadHattersWineParty]

I am just very snippy particularly when I'm stressed.

now though as I was all ready to bury the hatchet and go home and be all nice to eachother and he's fecked off out to see a bloody film, which I wouldn't give a shit about but he didn't send a text so I can't help but think he wanted me to get home (he always gets in a good hour before me so he would know i'd be surprised if he wasn't there) and be sad that he wasn't home and wonder where he was! I only know he's seeing a film as I text him to see what he wanted to do about dinner. Grrrrr. I'll have a nice G&T and enjoy the peace and quiet I guess!

[Canyouforgiveher]

In his mind a couple of minutes wouldn't make any difference but to me it did because it meant i couldn't catch that specific train which just sent me on an irate downward spiral!

So he was wrong and you were right. Because of his faffing about you missed the train you wanted to get. Why then is he the one in a snit?

Next time, if he says he'll walk with you (or whatever) say "no I'll stick with my plan thanks"

I'd have snapped at my dh too if he was making me late. And while I might have said "sorry to be snappy but I am stressed about the appointment" if I didn't and he refused to talk to me and didn't say goodbye I'd be a hell of a lot more than snappy.

which I wouldn't give a shit about but he didn't send a text so I can't help but think he wanted me to get home (he always gets in a good hour before me so he would know i'd be surprised if he wasn't there) and be sad that he wasn't home and wonder where he was!

I'd be exhausted living with your husband.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Thankfully not yet my husband

[NameChange30]

He is passive aggressive. He's still punishing you for snapping at him this morning. Even though you were justifiable annoyed and you've apologised. Sulking wasn't enough so he decided to go to the cinema and not bother telling you. If that's not passive aggressive I don't know what is.

[NameChange30]

justifiably

[MadHattersWineParty]

i was ready to write off this episode but not telling me he's be out when I got home does feel passive aggressive. He has that cineworld unlimited thing so he does go a lot but he damn well KNOWS a text would have been polite whatever the circumstances. Especially as I was going to cook a FECKIN DINNER. Sorry, just pissed off now! He can sing for his bloody dinner, I've made a chicken dipper sandwich (classy) and have a g&t, apparently he won't get home before 9:30.

[NameChange30]

Does he usually blame you when there are disagreements?

[MadHattersWineParty]

It usually starts with me snapping yes, and it'll be fine, then later he'll go quiet and I'll ask what wrong and he'll invariably say 'I didn't like the way you talked to me earlier....' Then I'll wrack my brains trying to think bloody hell what did I say/was it a horrible tone. Sometimes I have NO idea what he means and think what I said was perfectly reasonable... Then he will say 'you have no idea when you do it!' But then he's not the first bloke to say I'm snappy. Even my lovely dad says I'm highly strung and bolshy. So he can't be completely off the mark!

[Dutchcourage]

Yeah but you didnt cook a dinner did you. Your mad because you were about to cook a dinner.

Your mad because he went to the pictures and didn't let you know immediately.

Your mad because you think he wants you to feel sad because he wasn't home before you.

Maybe he is just pissed off at your snippy attitude. You sound like hard work op and that's something coming from me!

[LineyReborn]

Yes, sounds like he wanted you to walk into an empty house and have to chase him by text. You only know he's out because you texted him a specific question about dinner.

Why are you living with him?

[Costacoffeeplease]

Yep, he's a twat alright

[Dutchcourage]

yes. Go up stairs and pack your bags and LTB op. He clearly is an abusive twat that will suck your soul dry.

😒

[OnionKnight]

You both sound as bad as each other.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Dutch I'm probably being thick but which post is the sarcastic one?!

I AM hard work. So bloody is he right now.

[NameChange30]

Ignore Dutch

[MephistoMarley]

I wonder why you're at such pains to insist he's lovely and you're not. He doesn't sound lovely, I'd have been far more than snippy in your position.

[LineyReborn]

Still wondering why you're living together. You were extremely ill. You have only been together for just over a year. You don't sound very compatible.

[MissMargie]

If you're bolshy about things then you are a bolshy person and others make a bit of effort not to piss you off.

No one in my family would be happy at being made to miss their train.

I'm bad for cutting things fine but if I'd caused someone to miss their train I'd genuinely be sorry and accept all the bollocking they gave me.

He isn't 'nice' if he faffs around like that he's selfish.

[Kr1stina]

Ignore Dutch .

[Kr1stina]

Can I just. He km as well as sulking all day he's now sulking all night ?

And this is to punish you for being annoyed at him when he made you miss your train for an important appointment ?

I wonder how he would punish you if you made a proper mistake . You know, one with consequences , like wasting some money or losing your job?

Or somerhing like making a bad choice about a friend ? Or booking a holiday that turns out to be duff? Or buying a sofa that's uncomfortable ? Or painting the living room and then deciding you hate the colour ?