Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[LineyReborn]

Christ I couldn't be arsed with all that shit.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

He sounds bloody controlling.

Agree with a pp: look up Lundy Bancroft's 'Mr Sensitive'.

[CocktailQueen]

I realise this was at the start of your thread but

He's text me to say I've made him upset and angry at work from speaking to him so harshly.

You haven't MADE him do or feel anything, OP. He has made himself feel like that. He needs to own his own emotions - not blame you for them.

[Dozer]

OP your eyes are open: reflect on your relationship to date and observe how he has treated and treats you, including instances like the recent ones where he definitely fell short (the reasons/excuses for why he did/does X or Y are much less important in this than his actual actions towards you). you will get a picture of whether this is someone who is likely to be good to you long term. That is questionable at present.

[ToastDemon]

bingy your snide dig was about my supposed character traits. Which have nothing to do with anything on this thread.

[SauvignonPlonker]

I think he prefers you vulnerable, OP.

[Bingybongybashy]

toastDemon - oh I'm not sulking about it. Am being open and honest with you about it. Sulking involves not talking. My snide dig was overtly mentioning it.

[YvaineStormhold]

Bin him.

Get a flatmate.

Seriously. He sounds like an absolute bloody nightmare.

And stop describing yourself as 'bolshy'. Like 'feisty', it's one of those words you never hear used to describe a man.

I think you sound reasonable, good humoured, sensible, brave, and very pissed off because you live with a man who is totally rubbish.

[MadHattersWineParty]

He was actually very supportive about the funeral prior to it. It's a friend from school who sadly was ill all her life and had not been expected to reach the age she did, so I know this sounds awful and I'm not trying to say it wasn't tragic but it was not a 'bolt out of the blue' kind of thing and if anything I'm relieved she's not in pain anymore. I knew it was coming before I even met him. He did offer to take the day off work and come with but I didn't think it was necessary and I didn't 'need' him there IYSWIM. Maybe he was upset about that as he likes to be there for me but I'm used to dealing with things quite independently.

Anyway since all the stupid arguments and childish sulks he has been full of apology. He bought flowers and a sorry card. I'm just enjoying the opportunity to think and have a bit of breathing space at the moment as he's away all week now with work.

[ToastDemon]

Bingy your snide dig at me kind of proves my point about sulkers, as does you making something massively about you that you've supposedly "reformed" from.

[blinkowl]

I'm sorry you had to go to your friend's funeral

I hope it went OK.

Did he ask you about the funeral by the way? It's hard to tell from this snapshot but it's possible he's acting like this because he know he should be being supportive of you but he is compelled to make it all about him. I went out with someone like this and it took me awhile to work out that his bad / odd behaviour towards me often coincided with ossasions when actually I could have done with his support. But somehow, he had to make it all about him.

Does this ring any bells or am I way off?

[Dozer]

Sulking for days is just unacceptable.

[Bingybongybashy]

Toptoe - your remark that anyone who sulks past childhood won't change and will get worse is total bollocks!! If you want to change you can, if you don't want to change you won't , same goes for anyone and their own types of behaviours. It's certainly not exclusive to 'sulkers'.

[Bingybongybashy]

ToastDemon - can I agree that whilst sulking is childish and horrible, and may come across as passive aggressive, I strongly disagree that it is 'power play'. I speak from the position of a 'reformed' 'sulker' and have many good reasons for this long standing behaviour which has stemmed from a difficult adolescence. I am not a horrible person by any means, I have suffered emotional deprivation in my most formative years which has caused me to develop this ineffective coping strategy. i don't believe it is a character trait and if it was, it's certainly not the worst. Maybe look up 'emotional deprivation/neglect' under 'schema therapy' and maybe you'll not be so quick to judge next time. Be interesting to work out what your 'character traits' are....

[Aranpoo]

I have one of these "nice" men too who is also good at the silent treatment... I'm not I speak my mind. I've learned that "nice" doesn't necessarily mean doesn't get cross or shout. "Nice" means considerate and empathetic. Your DP didn't sound very nice or empathetic this morning, he sounds stressful and child-like. Being the responsible adult in an equal relationship whilst the other one wastes time and gaffs around is going to make you angry. You let your anger show, so what.

Don't apologise, OP. He needs to learn. Give him the silent treatment right back!

[Costacoffeeplease]

It sounds like this one is a twat too tbh

[madgingermunchkin]

I think you're too aware of the fact that you've been labelled "bolshy" in the past, and now so tiptoe around men and make allowances for them "because it must be you being difficult, not them". Which is bollocks. You can stand up for yourself and point out being treated poorly.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Well, he was still feeling sensitive from the Wednesday snappiness and subsequent fallout apparently, so he took it as nagging him and harrasing him 'the moment he got in the door' (I've told him this is absolute bollocks, and pointed out that he was relaxing in the pub and hadn't immediately walked in from work like I bloody had)

He doesn't have much experience of relationships actually. I'm his first LTR since he was in his early twenties and he's never lived with anybody.

Maybe I just make poor choices! The last one was a twat. The one before that was truly wonderful but we were very young when we met and it just ran its course after six years.

[SauvignonPlonker]

OP, I think he is punishing you for asserting yourself eg asking to do dishes, leave house in time for appt.

How DARE you make demands on him? He'll put you in your place for that.

Try stepping back from your relationship & looking in

You are lucky that you are not married to him & do not own property jointly. You can leave at the end of a tenancy agreement. Very easy.

[Kr1stina]

It seems to be that is " laid back ness " is about him avoiding doing things he doesn't want to - like taking any share of the chores or providing emotional support .

And making sure everything is about him " stop worrying about your medical appointment and help me choose a flavour of crisps " .

I'd be up tight too living with a " partner " like him . He sounds EXACTLY like my 16 yo . Well nearly all 16 year olds TBH.

If you ask " how was your day ? " you get " Why are you always going on at me ? "

If you don't ask, it's " you didn't even ask how my maths test was , you don't even care about me < door slam > "

Nothing you do is ever right. They blow up over nothing and sulk for ages .

[baringan]

Hmm.

OP you sound very anxious (not surprising) and as though you are on high alert a lot of the time. Your dp sounds more laid back - yes, irritatingly so. Do you do anything to help you relax?

[Doublemint]

I think he sounds incredibly self centred and childish to be honest. Not necessarily abusive though, just not thinking about anything from his partners perspective and/or how he can support her. Next time just wash up half the washing and cook dinner for yourself!

[Kr1stina]

So you had a long day on Friday - you went to a friends funeral ( how distressing ) then worked late, I assume to make up the time .

He however finshed early and went to the pub, so you both got in at 8pm. You suggested he do HALF the washing up and you would do ALL the cooking , which you did but he sulked all night .

You know, he's not sounding very lovely from where I'm sitting