am I doing the right thing /wwyd

[2protecttheinnocent]

Hi all

I'm going to try and keep this short but don't want to drip feed.

I have a history of being in abusive relationships and suffering dv and emotional abuse.

I am currently free of this in the physical sense but emotionally I still suffer in the deepest part of my soul with that worthlessness (not sure if thays actually a word) that sense of maybe I deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good mum, I have great friends, I'm good at my job in all those senses I have great self worth and confidence but having ensured 10 years of abuse, dv, and mental torture I just can't shake the feeling that maybe that's what I deserve (i don't voice this to anyone and I hope over time it will pass)

Last night a male friend (not sure if this is relevant) that knows the most basic details said a couple of things to me.

"Your going to take this the wrong way but, I have thought sometimes that maybe you deserved what he did to you"

"I've wanted to crack you one, before now and id NEVER hit a women" (not true btw manh years ago he threatened his then girl friend with a bat)

"Have you thought that maybe you're the problem"

I was very shocked to hear this, he was sobber btw.

Today I'm really tearful and struggling to hold it together (i know that's pathetic) I feel like I've been judged and someone else thinks the same way I do, maybe I did deserve it, maybe I am the problem????

I don't know how else to take what he said?

I don't know if I ever want to speak to him again.

I kind of what to say something to him to change his mind / let him know how much he hurt me, but I'm afraid I'll just come over pathetic.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and juding me as it being my fault (ridiculous because very few people even know I am the last person you would think of as a battered wife)

I feel so alone and like I want to sit in a dark corner and just let the world get on without me.

Oh thats not short in the least. Sorry

That is abuser talk. Straight up. Don't ever talk to him again, block him etc etc. Is he trying to line you up for a relationship, I wonder?

What he said was appalling. I would cut the friendship and not speak to him again. You are not responsible for the abuse you suffered.

He's a twat.

Don't speak to him ever again and drop him from your life.

Yes I think he is / was trying to line me up for a relationship.

Appalling. You don't need this "friend" anywhere near you. I agree that he might be lining you up for a relationship. Get away now. No ifs, no buts.

Drop him. He's not a friend, he's a potentially dangerous person who threatened a girl with a baseball bat. That's not normal or ok.

What he said to you is bollocks. No one deserves to be abused and mentally tortured. No one. Not you. Not anyone. Run a mile from him and fine some nice positive people for your life.

So it's not just me being senstive or something it really is an horrid thing to say? It felt like I was being emotionally abused tbh but obviously I know that's really emotive and didn't want to put it in my op.

Oh, and even if he's only a friend atm: do not stick around just in case he changes. Do not waste your energy trying to change his mind. Leave the situation immediately.

My advice would be to never speak ti this nasty piece of work ever again. Remove him from your life.

Have you read 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. If not, I recommend you do. It was an eye opener for me.

It's not about you, it's about him.

No, OP, you're not just being sensitive. Telling someone they deserve abuse is ALWAYS an appalling thing to say. Leave now.

You DID NOT deserve what happened to you.

Normal people don't feel like cracking someone one when they get annoyed by them. They walk away/end the relationship/agree to disagree/whatever.

This is him trying to groom you imo.

Please have a look at the freedom programme and give it a try. It is very easy to get sucked into a cycle of abusive relationships (been there) when you don't feel like you're worth more

He's a nasty cunt. Cut him out of your life immediately OP. Nobody deserves to be abused in any way

I'm fortunate to have never experienced any form of DV, so in that sense I feel my opinion is likely not to be clouded, if that's what your worried about from your point of view?

What he said is not normal or acceptable in any way at all.

Jesus - ditch this person. block phone numbers, delete off social media and never speak to him again! He is NOT your friend.

Ok, thank you everyone I have read all your wise words. Ok so block him, I can do that, just block him everywhere.

Why would it be me being a problem? It's just something that was said over and over and over to me in every different way possible. You make me behave like this, if you were better, nicer, prettier, less annoying, cleaned the house better, it's something that get bored into your soul. After a while your so broken that you start believing it (or I did) that's what makes it so hard to leave you get to a point where it's almost like trying to break free of your own mind.

I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve any of the things that were done to me (maybe if I keep repeating it it will sink in)

Willconcern, no I haven't read it but I'll order it on Amazon prime and make start. Thank you for the recommendation.

Even if you were a complete bitch you would not deserve physical violence.

A real man walks away to cool off rather than 'crack one' on his girl friend.

Your friend sounds like a complete twat.

'You're going to take this the wrong way but...' Is a lead-up to gaslighting.

I.e Saying something awful whilst making you doubt yourself by telling you your feelings and reactions are wrong.

Your reaction was 100% right. Trust your instincts. He is not your friend. He is a potential abuser

You don't deserve violence or abuse from anyone, for any reason.

Jeez what a twat.

No one deserves abuse. Even when you have been furious with someone I'm betting you never threatened them with a bat! Because functioning, normal people don't. Block.

I hope you manage to find a way forward. Have you maybe considered some counselling to try and get these feelings in order a bit? xx

I think some counselling might help. I've stayed away from it because it was one of the things my ex would do, take me to couples counselling he would just use it to get more torture in with the back up of "professionals" so I've don't have a whole lot of trust in therapist but there must be a good one somewhere. I also find it really hard to trust people I tend to be quite shut off emotionally (probably self defence).

He's an abuser and you are developing your self esteem which has enabled you to see it. You need to give yourself credit for that. X

He is not your friend. He's a dick. A potentially abusive sad little dick.
Please please block him on all media/phone etc. Make someone in real life that you trust aware of what's he has said. Maybe see your GP for some counselling and mention it to them.

You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. You didn't. You never asked for it. You never did anything wrong.

I'm glad you've ordered that book. Onwards my lovely

And yes I agree with the above ..you're developing self esteem which is enabling you to see the potential abuse in this new situation.

Look after yourself.