am I doing the right thing /wwyd

[2protecttheinnocent]

Hi all

I'm going to try and keep this short but don't want to drip feed.

I have a history of being in abusive relationships and suffering dv and emotional abuse.

I am currently free of this in the physical sense but emotionally I still suffer in the deepest part of my soul with that worthlessness (not sure if thays actually a word) that sense of maybe I deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good mum, I have great friends, I'm good at my job in all those senses I have great self worth and confidence but having ensured 10 years of abuse, dv, and mental torture I just can't shake the feeling that maybe that's what I deserve (i don't voice this to anyone and I hope over time it will pass)

Last night a male friend (not sure if this is relevant) that knows the most basic details said a couple of things to me.

"Your going to take this the wrong way but, I have thought sometimes that maybe you deserved what he did to you"

"I've wanted to crack you one, before now and id NEVER hit a women" (not true btw manh years ago he threatened his then girl friend with a bat)

"Have you thought that maybe you're the problem"

I was very shocked to hear this, he was sobber btw.

Today I'm really tearful and struggling to hold it together (i know that's pathetic) I feel like I've been judged and someone else thinks the same way I do, maybe I did deserve it, maybe I am the problem????

I don't know how else to take what he said?

I don't know if I ever want to speak to him again.

I kind of what to say something to him to change his mind / let him know how much he hurt me, but I'm afraid I'll just come over pathetic.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and juding me as it being my fault (ridiculous because very few people even know I am the last person you would think of as a battered wife)

I feel so alone and like I want to sit in a dark corner and just let the world get on without me.

Well i don't know what actually happened I have never met her and it was 20 ish years ago. He told me the story a while back. Said he just pick it up, but also said she would only see if afterwards in public with a friend present. What actually went I will never know.

No, love, it's NOT you. It's definitely them.

Listen, you put energy into this friendship. You probably also put a bit of your hopes and dreams into it too. Now it's gone (and good riddance) it's only normal that you feel a bit down. But it will pass. And you will be stronger and realize that you deserve much better than someone who blames the victim for the abuse she's suffered.

And I agree with MindReader. I think there probably were things you ignored subconsciously or possibly explained away in your mind. To a certain extent, that's why you're emotionally exhausted. Because you've let go of the belief you had to work so hard to hold on to that he was a 'nice guy'.

Can I have and it's so bloody stupid if you met me in my professional capacity you'd think I had everything so sorted. How can someone be so strong in one aspect of life and so weak in another.

In all honesty I've felt there was something slightly off about him in the couldn't put my finger on it kind of way for a whilse so maybe my twatdar has been coming back.

I think I may give counselling a try, how do you find a good one???

I'm in the US, so can't really answer how. Here you just pick up the phone and start calling. I think I've seen other threads where people tell others to start with their GP?

But one thing you should keep in mind is that you need a counselor with whom you have a rapport. So don't be afraid to speak up if you see one that just doesn't mesh with you. I found the right counselor on the third try. It's not that she told me only what I wanted to hear, it was that she 'got me' and could see where I wanted to be in my life. The things she suggested for me made sense to me as ways to change. I didn't always like what she said, but I always understood why she said it.

Listen, if you had asked any one about me 'back then' they would have told you that I had it all together. And in some things I did. But our lives are made up of separate threads interwoven into one tapestry. Just because one thread is strong doesn't mean that another thread isn't weak. It's a matter of finding the weak threads and replacing them carefully.

Tbh my gp is a bit on the useless side, tebds to push antidepressants on me rather than counselling, I might just try phoning around and seeing if I can find someone to go and give a try.

I'm still feeling a little annoyed / hurt/ worried/ guilty / whatever else but I feel better for stoking him contacting me again.

I've not told anywone in rl yet, I'm worried if I do they may agree with him and I'm don't think I have it in me to be able to survive emotionally if they do.

Well, just take a look at the consensus on this thread. If anyone in RL told you that they agreed with him then that person is a either a fool or an abuser themselves.

Could you try calling WA and asking them if they keep a list of counselors? Hopefully someone will come along that's in the UK and has an idea of how to get the ball rolling.

You know, I really hate doctors that push pills for people who just want help in figuring out how to have a better life, especially because it seems that that's their first reaction to a woman who says "I need help" or "I can't cope". That was standard treatment when I was a young woman, 30+ years ago: "There, there dear, you're just overwrought. Here, take this little pill and you'll feel all better". Sigh, I'd hoped we'd moved beyond that.

Not that anti-Ds don't have their place in treatment, they do. It's just that I think other options aren't explored because that little pill makes you feel better. But feeling better isn't the same as 'getting better' iyswim.

The thing is I not depressed, I just need help untangling the mess of emotions in my head and relearning what is appropriate.

For example I went to the hairdressers for the first time and she asked me what I wanted and I reach for my phone to call my xh to check what he wanted. That is not normal, but their are hundreds of others things I do each day (I've spotted some and even stopped a few) that I am sure are not normal. But they are normal to me, but having left a abusive relationship I don't want to be stuck in the prison iyswim??

I want my lif3, my voice which was taken from me in tiny pieces each I want it back but I don't know how to undo it all on my own.

Anyone about I'm feeling rather wobbly. Just realised I'm going to have to see him this weekend (mutual friends wedding)

Counseling. With the right counselor, you'll get your voice, you'll get your life back. Not overnight, but in time. Don't try to do it all by yourself.

As far as the wedding this weekend, remember that you don't have to go if you don't really want to, you can always plead a last minute D&V bug.

Another strategy would be if you have a friend who will be going to the wedding in whom you can confide, even a little. Tell them that you really don't want to speak to your ex or be near him. Ask them if they can stick to you lie glue for support and run interference if he approaches you.

Overthepound I'm sure your right, will start looking for a counsellor on Monday

I really can't cry off in in the bridal party.

It's not that I'm frightened to see him I just don't want him to have a chance to teust the knife in anymore.

Suppose i shall just have to do the head up shoulders down, I'm fabulously happy and haven't given you a thought smile, look at me without a care in the world routine. Fake it till you make it right.

Fake it 'til you make it - indeed!
Fab MN moto.
Get through the wedding.
Have a few vinos and enjoy yourself.

No, I guess you can't cry off! But just remember that you don't have to engage with him. Again, see if you can get a friend to run interference if he tries to speak you. Try to stay amidst groups of people rather than sitting or standing on your own. And you are perfectly entitled to walk away if you see him approach you. And remember that in the long run of your life, this will only be a few hours. A few hours compared to the years you have ahead of you.

I think you'll be happy you went to counseling. It made all the difference to me in making decisions and realizing that I am a good person who deserves good things in life.

2protect in someways it's good (though very hard of course) to see him now while you still remember quite how dreadful he was to you.

You don't owe him anything. You don't have to give him an explanation, you don't have to listen to an apology, you don't have to forgive him or make up.

Not for anyone's sake.

Big smile and just pretend he's not in the room.

If he approaches you just calmly and politely say that you don't want to talk to him and walk away.

Practise the scenario in your head a few times so that you are prepared.

If anyone else asks what happened you don't have to tell them if you don't want to. Just say you discovered that he wasn't your friend after all and it's not worth discussing. Change the subject.

If he or anyone else tries to cause any drama just don't take the bait.

It may be (and probably will be) completely fine.

You have done incredibly well breaking away from an abusive ex. This is just some bloke you know. You can deal with this.

Good luck

The thing I would suggest anyone who wavers about if they 'deserve' being hit or not is to consider all the other people in the abusers life they somehow are able to control themselves around.

Abusers seem to be able to manage not to hit their friends, boss, parents, police etc (in general) yet can't help themselves with their partner - I know they wrap it up in psycho babble about love and being themselves with the partner etc but really you have to see it is a choice.

This man is a horrible dick - the only thing you are at fault for is surrounding yourself with arseholes - break the cycle - only accept people who cherish you in your life.

We all have self doubt but frankly I say fuck em - that's a good starting point actually every day go to a mirror and reconfirm your love and support of yourself and say fuck you to any tormentors in your life (before getting rid)

I'd give him a polite wide berth at the wedding - if he challenges you I'd calmly tell him that I did not appreciate what he said to me (about deserving it) , that it was horrible and not true and I'd also say that he is mistaken in thinking he knows you - that was then this is now I won't ever accept that treatment again - so if you don't mind I'm off for a dance and suggest you get a grip of yourself - am sure someone more eloquent will be along shortly to give you some sharp one liners - stay calm and cool but stand up for yourself

Find the sort of counsellor you want here in your area: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Be aware that because you've been abused you are likely to be 'tested' by future abusers (as we all are) and pass the test as someone who will put up with it because your boundaries are fuzzy.

The sort of things to watch out for are:

• 'you do x and it upsets me.' x is usually something small and inconsequential but dressed up to be 'rude' or unkind, like walking ahead or not listening for long enough etc. It's designed to make you feel like you owe them something. They also feel superior to you and think you sshould show them this.
• 'my ex used to do y and they were controlling.' This is a warning to you not to stand up for yourself.
• 'you wind people up/ you irritate people.' This is preparing you for abuse. In reality, if someone is irritated to the extent that they shout/hit/push then they have issues themselves. Kind people just don't say this.

Basically, a kind person doesn't make you feel shit. Anyone who does: drop them. You may well have been conditioned before your abusive relationship to accept unkind behaviour eg as a child. A good therapist will explore this and show you it's not your fault but totally natural reactions to being abused. You build up a belief that you deserve to be ill treated. But you absolutely do not. It's just abusers test people out and when they say the above and someone says 'oh, really? I'm sorry..' instead of 'fuck off' then they know they've found someone who they can abuse.

You are used to saying 'I'm sorry' rather than 'fuck off' because of how you'e been conditioned in the past.

Thank you everyone, I'll definately check out the link.

Hair and make up is just about to start, everyone is really happy and i don't want to ruin anyone's day so I've decided not to say anything to anyone in the bridal party.

The dresses look gorgeous and I'm really looking forward to today so I've decided no one is going to bring me down, ignore, ignore, ignore.

I've spoken to one of the ushers that I'm really close to (the groomsmen are getting ready next door - but country estate wedding) and said could we keep each other company during the evening do. Bless him he looked at me and said "of course, what's wrong" told him I didn't want to say atm but would tell him tommorow. So that's that sorted.

The evening do is the biggest risk as it's really informal party (don't want to say too much and out the bride or myself) but think fish and chips and bacon butties, with a smoores bar, live music and fireworks / sparklers, lots and lots of dancing (but not the sort of dancing you can just join in with).

Morning all. Well i (we) had a wonderful time, it was a lovely day and it felt really great to be surrounded by friends old and new and just have everyone happy, laughing and just having a good time. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be free and just enjoy yourself.

He tried to talk to me a couple of times, and managed to corner me outside the ladies bathroom. But I managed to laugh at him, told him he was a pathetic excuse for a man and just turned on my heels and walked off. The look he gave me was a cross between pure hate and total surprise it was quite something to see actually. just went over to my friends and got on with having a good time. (Think I did pretty well under the circumstances???)

The usher and I had a fantastic night and we where still dancing when the last song was being played, shame the night had to end sometime

We are going off for a long walk along the cliffs (it's gorgeous here) to clear the remaining hangovers and have a chat.

Oh god get rid he is no friend of yours how dare he say any of that to you cut contact you dont need him in your life,

Reading your update good for you friend my arse

👍👍

Good for you!!

Very glad it went well!

Well i think I may have found a counsellor. Feeling a bit nervous so can wise mn just check I've been sensible.

I've looked for local counsellors
Found a few that do state they have an interest / specialisim in dv, abuse etc.
Checked they are certified.
Read their bios etc.
Phoned up 3 (1 is away on holiday, 1 has a long waiting list, 1 is very busy but has offered to speak to me this evening on the phone to see if she thinks it's something she can help with and when / if she could get me in)

Does this all sound sensible??

Sounds good to me.
Certainly nothing to lose by having a phone conversation with her.
You will need to chat with them first to see if they 'feel' good to you.

I think it sounds very good! Especially since the counselor also wants to be sure that she will be able to help you. Hopefully this will be a good 'fit' for you. But remember, if by some chance she feels not, it is NOT a reflection on you. Rather that she feels her method wouldn't be the right one to provide you with maximum benefits. And remember too that you have the right to say that you don't feel her method will work for you.

A great first step! Be sure to let us know how it turns out.