am I doing the right thing /wwyd

[2protecttheinnocent]

Hi all

I'm going to try and keep this short but don't want to drip feed.

I have a history of being in abusive relationships and suffering dv and emotional abuse.

I am currently free of this in the physical sense but emotionally I still suffer in the deepest part of my soul with that worthlessness (not sure if thays actually a word) that sense of maybe I deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good mum, I have great friends, I'm good at my job in all those senses I have great self worth and confidence but having ensured 10 years of abuse, dv, and mental torture I just can't shake the feeling that maybe that's what I deserve (i don't voice this to anyone and I hope over time it will pass)

Last night a male friend (not sure if this is relevant) that knows the most basic details said a couple of things to me.

"Your going to take this the wrong way but, I have thought sometimes that maybe you deserved what he did to you"

"I've wanted to crack you one, before now and id NEVER hit a women" (not true btw manh years ago he threatened his then girl friend with a bat)

"Have you thought that maybe you're the problem"

I was very shocked to hear this, he was sobber btw.

Today I'm really tearful and struggling to hold it together (i know that's pathetic) I feel like I've been judged and someone else thinks the same way I do, maybe I did deserve it, maybe I am the problem????

I don't know how else to take what he said?

I don't know if I ever want to speak to him again.

I kind of what to say something to him to change his mind / let him know how much he hurt me, but I'm afraid I'll just come over pathetic.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and juding me as it being my fault (ridiculous because very few people even know I am the last person you would think of as a battered wife)

I feel so alone and like I want to sit in a dark corner and just let the world get on without me.

innocent I was reading another thread that you were on this morning
All I can say is think of your grandfather , he valued you highly , you are worth more
This man is a piece of shit
Walk away and don't doubt yourself ever

Walk away from this abusive unintelligent idiot and don't look back. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

I'd say more, but am reigning myself in here, I'm fuming at the things he said to you....Get rid.

2protect

It was a abominable thing for him to say.

Think of it this way. If a child was messy, or rude, or annoying, or argumentative or dressed in a way you disapproved of.

If the child did all those things and you hit them. Who would be fault?

You or the child?

You see my point I'm sure.

And if the child was finally recovering from the abuse they'd received how would you react if a close family friend told the child it was their fault?

You are perfectly fine. This man and the man who abused you - they are broken.

He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near you. Excise him from your life without another word.

Typical abuser "you made me do xxx" "it's your fault I'm like this" "it's not my fault you wind me up" "if you were better/prettier/made more effort I wouldn't have to do xxxx". Absolute bullshit the lot of it. Well done getting away from your relationship and also this guy. What a c u next Tuesday! It is NEVER your fault that you are abused, never. Everyone in life gets wound up/pissed off/stressed out but we don't take it out of people physically or mentally. He's a twat, you're worth more.

Ok you all rock, feel like I'm untangling the head mess (not felt that in years) I'm also remember other things he said last night and I'm starting to get angry. He was on a big I'm the man rant, you talk down to me (i don't and never have talked down to anyone) you said x (i know I didnt) because you said x I think your a lier (I'm didn't say x) and im not a lier, he even told me if i dont speak better to him / treat him better he was going to cut me off - what the actual fck etc. Etc. Etc. you right it's gas lighting and grooming. How fck*dare he, I don't need him dragging me back into hell as I'm climbing out.

The horrible things this twat said were attempts to 'bring you in line'. Whether that was because he wants to have a relationship with you once you've seen the 'error of your ways' isn't important. You don't need someone like that in your life, even as 'just a friend'. If he said it to you as a 'friend', can you image what he'd say to a girlfriend or wife?

Listen, I've been where you are and it leaves deep scars. Even though we go on to rebuild our lives and are happy, it still colours our thinking. Counseling would be an excellent idea. After I left my abusive marriage I went into counseling as I really didn't trust my own judgement. It took 18 months of soul searching and hard work but it was so worth it.

2protect

So even without the terrible comments about you deserving to be hurt it sounds like he is a thoroughly dangerous, nasty piece of work.

Quietly cut him out of your life. He isn't good enough to have any access to you at all.

YY to everything that has been said already. You are starting to be able to identify what abuse is (and it comes in many forms and from subtle right through to physical violence). That's really great.

Keep working on not taking ANY shit of ANY man. Read books, look for assertiveness classes in your area and keep doing all you can to help yourself realise you deserve to be around people who treat you equally, with respect and consideration and who you feel yourself with (and that yourself, is good enough).

Um stupid question can anyone tell me. How do I block someone on whatsapp and Facebook messenger?

I've sorted my mobile, and email, but don't know how to do whatsapp and Facebook messenger

Messenger: open a window as if you were going to message them then click the blue i in the blue circle at the top right then go to the block option at the bottom.

Whatsapp: Open a chat window with contact click on the 3 dots top right of the screen, then the more option at the bottom. Block option then appears in another list.

Well done OP.
Glad you are starting to spot what abuse looks like.
This guy is a full on abusive twat.
Did you do the Freedom Programme after your previous abusive relationship?
If not then give Womens Aid a call and sign up to do it.
It will be very good for you, your boundaries, spotting red flags and your self esteem.

you can do the freedom programme online too for £10 it is brilliant.

Iamnotamindreader thank you.

Have I missed any thing? Done my mobile, messenger, whatsapp??

Women's air in my case I kind of slipped through the net. Never did the freedom programme, but if I can do it on line I'll give it a go

Feeling rather sad atm my heads a bit of a mess and I feel like I've lost another person. I know it's no great loss, but it just seems so nasty. I would love to rant and rave at him and make him feel as upset and hurt as I do right now but I know it's pointless but what sort of person does that? It's like ripping open someone's skin and pouring salt in the wound.

No decent person would ever have said that to you. He's yet another abuser. Stay well clear of him.

If you rant and rave at him he won't feel bad, he will feel as though he has achieved something and twist it to you being unhinged therefore proving his point (in his mind).

The absolute best thing you can do is walk away, have no contact and get on with your life. Aside from the good it will do you, it will show him that you won't put up with his shit and you don't need him, that's the thing that will hurt him most.

I know your right but don't you ever just want to take the low undignified road however much it is a bad idea?

I used to listen a particular song a lot and one of the lyrics was

"He's the one who will be missing you, you'll only miss the man you wanted him to be"

Seems to some of up about right.

Just ignore me in seriously rambling in self pity atm

I get exactly how you are feeling, and have chosen the undignified road more times than I care to remember.

It might help to write it all down on a piece of paper, everything you want to say, every insult you want to give him, then, when you're ready, burn it.

Ramble away, that's what we are here for

Wow, what an utterly disgusted human being!

You are definitely doing the right thing my blocking this man - you don't need that type of person in your life. You didn't deserve what happened to you and you deserve more than this asshole!

Keep your chin up OP

Disgusting* - stupid autocorrect

I know your right in my head, it's just emotionally Im just exhausted, I don't know what I feel - broken i suppose. This bloke has been perfectly nice for 2 years then he just turns into a wankstain. I can't help feeling in someway that maybe it is me, maybe I bring this out in people.

No, you don't. I think it's not that he has been fine for 2 years and just turned, but more that your head was so trapped in the abusive relationship mindset that you didn't pick up on the cues. Now your mind is fighting it's way out of that fog and you are starting to see things differently his behaviour suddenly pinged your long dormant twatdar.
Keep going this is actually a good sign. The fact that you didn't just automatically accept his opinion as right means you are redefining your own sense of self and boundaries. Keep on with it. Best wishes.

Blaming someone for being abused, is, in itself, abuse.

He threatened his ex with a baseball bat?! Enough reason to cut contact right there.

Abusers are masters at reading body language - and this one knows you, know what you've been through. He knows you're a little unsure of yourself, that you're not yet confident enough to outright tell him to fuck off, so he tested the waters, to see how much you'll take from him, trying to see if you'll put up with his bullying dickish ways.

Don't underestimate yourself OP, your instincts are there. Look how quickly you went from upset, to angry, to blocking him. You KNOW you don't deserve that. You should really take a minute and congratulate yourself for that

Also, don't be afraid of counselling on your own. The general advice is to never do joint sessions if there is abuse because the abuser will manipulate it and use it against the other person, but on your own you're just untangling your own thoughts and feelings in a safe place