am I doing the right thing /wwyd

[2protecttheinnocent]

Hi all

I'm going to try and keep this short but don't want to drip feed.

I have a history of being in abusive relationships and suffering dv and emotional abuse.

I am currently free of this in the physical sense but emotionally I still suffer in the deepest part of my soul with that worthlessness (not sure if thays actually a word) that sense of maybe I deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good mum, I have great friends, I'm good at my job in all those senses I have great self worth and confidence but having ensured 10 years of abuse, dv, and mental torture I just can't shake the feeling that maybe that's what I deserve (i don't voice this to anyone and I hope over time it will pass)

Last night a male friend (not sure if this is relevant) that knows the most basic details said a couple of things to me.

"Your going to take this the wrong way but, I have thought sometimes that maybe you deserved what he did to you"

"I've wanted to crack you one, before now and id NEVER hit a women" (not true btw manh years ago he threatened his then girl friend with a bat)

"Have you thought that maybe you're the problem"

I was very shocked to hear this, he was sobber btw.

Today I'm really tearful and struggling to hold it together (i know that's pathetic) I feel like I've been judged and someone else thinks the same way I do, maybe I did deserve it, maybe I am the problem????

I don't know how else to take what he said?

I don't know if I ever want to speak to him again.

I kind of what to say something to him to change his mind / let him know how much he hurt me, but I'm afraid I'll just come over pathetic.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and juding me as it being my fault (ridiculous because very few people even know I am the last person you would think of as a battered wife)

I feel so alone and like I want to sit in a dark corner and just let the world get on without me.

Thanks hellsbells and across

I'll be back to update after I've spoken to her. I'll take your points on board so thanks for that.

Hopefully she will think she can help. The only thing is don't really know what to say to her. Do I just explain a little about what I went through and mention a few bits that still seem to be a problem, e.g. flash backs, scared of people being angry, feeling the need to seek approval for even the most mundane decisions??? Not sure what I need to tell her.

Hopefully she will lead the conversation.
You tell her as much as you are comfortable with in the first discussion.
You go into as much detail as you like.
The more the initially knows the better though.

Ok cool thanks hellsbellsmellons

One more question. Is there anything I should ask her???

Hellsbells suggestions are right on.

It should result in her explaining to you what she feels is the best way to help you move forward. She should be able to explain her methods in language you understand and/or give or suggest reading material if you feel confused or unsure.

If she doesn't, you ask her how she sees herself helping you to move forward, what methods she thinks would best benefit you.

Well I've spoken to her for about 45mins ish she seemed very nice. We talked in brief about what happened (she asked me to give her 2 or 3 examples) and what is still affecting me (again just a couple of examples), and what I'm hoping to achieve e.g. better self esteem, being able to put things behind me and move on. more self confidence. Etc

Why I'm thinking about councelling now etc.

How she works and why she thinks she can help me. How regularly she recommends sessions to start with and why.

She can't get me in for a week but she has given me an appointment for then. Just good luck that I happen to be off from work on that day.

I feel pretty good about it. She certainly seem very professional, etc. She explained it going to take a while to go through the whole history of what happened before we can really get into counselling, how lots of people find it very upsetting to begin with and I may find it exhausting. She seemed like a good fit but I suppose only time will tell.

Oh I'm glad. Sounds as if she's realistic and has given you an idea of what to expect.

I think you'll find a sense of relief even after the first session. Just the knowledge that you've taken that step.

I hope your right acrossthepond.

Hi folks. The OP has asked us to move this over to Relationships as she's found all the advice really helpful and doesn't want it to disappear in Chat after 90 days. We'll move it over in a tick.

Hi Iona

Thank you. Very much appreciated.

So pleased you have session booked.
This could be the new positive start you deserve.
Good luck with it all.

Well i had my first councelling appointment today. She was very "nice" (not the right word but the best I can come up with). We went through a bit of the history just started really it's going to take a while to go through 10 years of history.

She's given me some home work (feels a bit like I'm back at school).

I felt quite positive and also very emotional at the same time. It's difficult to explain. I suppose I feel positive because I'm doing something to help myself move forward. Emotional because it's kind of like opening up a scar you know you need to drain the puss out but it still hurts.

Got my 2nd appointment early next week.

Oh good! Yes, it is exactly like opening a scar. But you feel so much better once all the gunk gets gone.

I think the way I felt about my counselor was 'stability' and 'understanding'. You're right 'nice' doesn't quite cover it. It's just someone who is so nonjudgemental and unshockable. Who hears and reacts with calmness.

You're on the road now!